A cave, somewhere in (redacted for security purpose). Self-described Secretary Of State Nola Shumway is being led to a small room. She is blindfolded and wearing her BurqAlaïa. She is sat down in a chair. Enter a man that could be 1. An extra on Homeland when they film in Israel but it is supposed to be Lebanon or 2. A leader of Al-Qaeda. He is reading a book ‘How To Win Friends and Influence People’
Al-Jazeera: (just kidding, that’s a news station. Gotcha!)
Al- Atosis: Take off the fataah’s blindfold.
Nola: If you just called me fat I swear to G – Allah I will drop a drone guided missile on your mother’s house. I kid! I kid! We already did that.
Nola takes her blindfold off.
Nola: First I would like to start this meeting off by saying I would rather be raped than beheaded. Just throwing it out there.
Al- Atosis: Hahahahaha. (To Al-Anon) I like this one. No raping. I wouldn’t lie down with you filthy infidel.
Nola: Am I going to be beheaded?
Al- Atosis: This is the problem with you infidels; you think all we do is rape or behead.
Nola: And blow things up and crash things into buildings. Yes, that is pretty much my working knowledge. Also, you make really cheesy propaganda videos.
Al-Atosis: We are so much more than that and this is precisely the reason we brought you here. Al-Anon (he waves) has been watching you. We are very interested in what you can do for us. Please listen.
Nola: What exactly can I help you with?
AL-Atosis: What are your thoughts about Al-Qaeda?
Nola: Disorganized, lacking a clear mission statement. Wasteful. Incompetent.
Al- Anon: Filthy Bitch!
Al-Atosis: Let her talk! (he shoots Al- Anon) Please, go on.
Nola: You’re past your time. The planes thing? I’ll give you that. Well executed.
Al- Atosis: Pun intended?
Nola: Of course. But since then really nothing. In the meantime the Baja Cartel, Tea Party, Hipsters – they’ve all grown by leaps and bounds. I mean over the summer, the cartels had an Allahdamn recruitment film running in American Theatres called Savages.
Al- Atosis: Al-Yankabitch, why do we not have such a thing?
Nola: Who’s your PR guy?
Al- Atosis: Praise be to Allah he rests with the virgins now.
Nola: Osama? That was your marketing guy? Ineffective, for obvious reasons, but my God- Allah, he was terrible on camera. No charisma. And he’s dead. Al- Yankabitch, you seem theatrical.
Al-Yankabitch: You’ve seen Afghan Idol.
Nola: Nobody did, there weren’t enough antennas.
AL- Yankabitch: (sad) I was a finalist.
Nola: Correction you were a semi finalist moved to finalist after they shot the woman because she swayed – probably wobbly from heat stroke – but she swayed a bit and you shot her in the head.
Al-Atosis: You watched Afghan Idol.
Nola: I was there. Big mistake shooting the woman. Women are what you need and your recruitment strategy is all off. Sure promising 72 virgins to a man in exchange for blowing up the consulate is a good idea, it’s actually genius. But do you know what a woman imagines when she’s promised 72 virgins? The worst 4-minute gang bang of her life. That’s hell, my friend. Which reminds me. We need a kindler gentler Al- Qaeda, which is why we will no longer be referring to them as infidels. They will now be called Friend-fidels. Ps. You’re all pissed off about all the sex happening down here, but it seems like your idea of heaven is a whole lot like an orgy. What if I told you I could give you heaven on earth?
Al- Atosis: Go on.
Nola: Have you ever heard of a little town in Russia called (redacted for obvious reasons)?
Al- Atosis: I mean go on about ideas in regards to Al- Qaeda.
Nola: Well, you guys need a serious rebrand of this organization. Just a few thoughts of the top of my burqa – Fire on your CFO. (They do. They kill AL-Yankabitch) Finances. They’re tied up in the American markets. Remember this: You should trust the Americans in the markets the way you trust an Arab at the market.
Al- Atosis: (laughing) That’s good. I like that joke.
Nola: Also, suspicious packages? Ridiculous. You know what’s not suspicious? (throws newspaper desk) A Newspaper bundle at a newspaper stand. Simple.
Al- Atosis: (jumps) Holy Shiite!
Nola: (laughing) Relax. I’m a scare-orist. It’s just the Moscow Mull. Look at the front page. That’s Vladdy and I at that Ballet.
Al- Atosis: (relaxes a little) Okay, what do we do first?
Nola: Bring in AL-Ly, Al-Ice, and Al-Exandra. From now on we’re a friendly fair-orist organization. Al-Ly, press release. We’re going public – use Twitter not VHS. Al-Ice, get Dimon on the phone – we’ll have GS underwrite the offering: stock weapons. Al- Exandra, get me the President.
Al- Exandra: His head?
Nola: No, on the phone.
Al-Atosis: Americans don’t negotiate with terrorists.
Nola: No, but they do business with them.
Al- Atosis: we have nothing to offer.
Nola: You make one hell of an IED and I think Americans would love to see those on the side of the road in the dreaded lane merge situation. You know that asshole that always drives up the shoulder and cuts in at the last moment? Boom! Yeah, he’d think twice if he knew there were strategically buried IEDS along the road. That alone could win over the hearts and minds of the Americans. Also, you’re our way into Saudi oil. We’ll get you uniforms and you’ll look like a better friend than the Pakistanis in no time. And finally, you can’t kill Americans in bunches anymore at the same time. You have to do it slowly, subtlety – think Mcdonalds, Camel, and Reality Television. Americans love to be killed; they just like to do it on their own turns. It’s what we call Freedom.
Al- Atosis: Do you think it could work?
Nola: You’ll sadly never be around to see the day.
Al- Atosis: I suppose it will take such a long time.
Nola: No, literally I will turn this thing around by tomorrow morning. Your problem is that you’re eating a banana dipped in Ricin.
Al- Atosis: Infidel!
Nola jumps over the dirt table and puts a knife to his throat. He is dying. She whispers:
Nola: Friend-fidel, my friend, Friend-fidel.
And far away at the Half-White House O receives a text message: