Our sweet, pretty, young Nola was (very) recently asked to attend the HopeForHaitiNow telethon in Los Angeles. After laughing at Obama for five minutes:
Nola: You’re kidding. They’re calling it Hope for Haiti. No. Come on. (Rolling around on the floor in the oval office) Stop. (Pounding the ground with her hand) Stop! You’re kidding me. Uh. Hahahahahahaahahha. Hahahaahhahhaha.
Obama: Nola, I’m quite serious. Now look, I have a few requests.
Nola: (gets up, tears rolling down her cheeks) Hahaha. Okay. I’m good. I’m done. Ha. Wait. hahaha. No, I’m not. Hahahaahhaaha. Hope for Haiti. What’s next? Optimism in Africa.
Nola: I’m going… I’m going…
… Nola was on her way.
Cut to the telethon headquarters:
A frazzled assistant carrying a clipboard greets Nola in the celebrity holding tank, or, a bar.
Assistant: Hi, umm…. (looking down at clipboard) Nola? Is that how you say it?
Nola: No ma’am. I would say it a little less like you’re talking to a subordinate and a little more like you’re talking to royalty.
Assistant: Uh… huh. Great. Alright, here’s the seating arrangement for taking calls. We rotate celebrities in and out every fifteen minutes.
Nola: (winks) Oh, gotcha. yeah wouldn’t want any awkward run ins between exes.
Assistant: (smiling) Right. So I have a few questions, just to figure out where to put you in this rotation.
Have you ever slept with Drew Carey?
Assistant: Um, yeah, just kidding. But, seriously, have you ever slept with Steven Spielberg?
Nola: Jew? No.
Assistant: Samuel Jackson?
Nola: That motherfuckas here? Let me get at him. Where he at? (to assistant) You know I worked with his cousin Jules on the Prop 8 campaign.
Assistant: But have you slept with him?
Nola: No. Almost, but no.
Assistant: Ben Stiller?
Nola: I don’t sleep with angry little men.
Assistant: Eric Dane?
Nola: Eh, I’m not into Herpes.
Assistant: Justin Timberlake?
Nola: Or syphilis.
Assistant: Keith urban?
Nola: Is that the drunken Aussie with the flat ironed hair over hair?
Nola: No. Never. Hey, Is that little bitch Kanye West here?
Assistant: No, Kanye doesn’t care about really black people.
Nola: Good. I wouldn’t want him to come face to face with me. That little jackass was very mean to my Swifty. Okay, I’m bored of you. Who do I get my gift bag from?
Assistant: Gift bag?
Nola: Yeah. And, um, I know this year’s celebrity must have is a Haitian baby, but just pull mine out and toss it in a dumpster. I don’t want that baby shitting on my new Diorettes. (pause) They are giving us the new Diorettes, right?
Assistant: No! No gift bags! And I’m not throwing your gift bag baby in a dumpster. (she composes herself) You get two guaranteed close ups and we air one of your best phone calls.
Nola: Will there be bottle service?
Assistant: Yes, but only during times when we’ve cut away from the studio to show footage of Haiti.
Nola: Alright, I can handle this for a bit. Can you get me a White Russian?
Assistant: Um, now. Wait. You’re eight.
Nola: (skipping off to her seat) I kid. I kid. (winks) Besides, I already have one.
Nola sits down next to Jennifer Aniston. After a few minutes of pleasantries, a few lines of coke and one intense make out situation, Nola takes her first call…
Nola: Nola Shumway here. Are you going to donate a lot of money or just a little bit of money?
Assistant comes running over and hangs up phone.
Assistant: You can’t do that Nola. We don’t want to make them feel bad about not giving a lot of money.
Nola: It’s only implied. I’m a skilled diplomat, let me do my job you crazy cracker.
Assistant throws up her hands, pops a Xanax and leaves. Nola puts her head down next to her phone and waits for a call.
Phone: Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring.
Phone: Ring ring Ring Ring Ring.
Jennifer: (leans over and grabs Nola’s phone) Hello. Hi. Yeah, no, she’s right here. (elbows Nola)
Nola jumps up on the desk and screams like a little girl. She starts crying.
Jennifer: oh, Nola. Sweetie, wake up, you were just having a nightmare. Here, Vlad is on the phone. He wants to talk to you.
Nola: Vladdy! (grabs the phone) Vladdy. Yes, Да, младенец, I’ll получает вам автограф. Да, I’ll дает ему ваш сценарий. Я тебя люблю слишком младенец.
Hangs up phone.
Nola: (to Jen) I’m dying of boredom. Where can I get a seat filler?
Jen: Oh, sweetie, you have to wait until someone rotates you out.
Nola: (eyes wide) Jen! Don’t turn around. I think radbay is taking the tagesay. Awkward. (stands on the desk and screams) Help! Help!
Assistant: (panicked) What happened? Are you okay?
Nola: Yes. I was calling for the help. I’m ready to rotate out.
Assistant: (throws clipboard) Fine! You know what? I don’t care! I don’t care about Haiti, I don’t care about celebrities, I don’t care that I’m not going to get a chance to make out with Robert Pattinson at the after party.
Nola: Oh, sweetie, that wasn’t ever going to happen. You’re a five… tops.
Assistant: I don’t need this! I was in Africa for three years, but I have never seen anything like this!
Nola: (confused) Electricity? (pause) Bottled water? A room full of HIV-free adults?
Magic Johnson rotates in.
Nola: Scratch that last one. Look, plain Jane… May I call you plain Jane? You have to understand, we’re all busy important people here. Okay. And we’re pretty. I get that the Haitian children are suffering and all that, but we’re suffering too. Okay. Look, I’ll be nice. I’ll stay for another fifteen minutes okay. You take this (Nola hands assistant a date rape pill) and put in Robert’s water bottle. You two go relax in the green room okay. I’ve got this.
Nola takes a seat next to Drew Carey.
Nola: (staring at Drew) Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
Drew: Oh, well, hello little girl. Who are you? You’re cute.
Drew: (puzzled) Okay. Well, I’m going to get back to the phones.
Nola: (watching Drew) Hahahahaha. Hahaha. Hahahaahahaha.
Drew: (answers phone) Well hello there. I’m Drew carey, and who do I have the pleasure of speaking to? (pause) Yes. Drew. Carey. C-A-R-E-Y. No I wasn’t that guy on Saturday Night Live who died. (forces smile for his close up) Nope, wasn’t in the Great Outdoors. Yes I did love that movie. Hello? Hello?
Nola: Hahahaha. They hung up on you? Hahahaahaha. Let me guess, they wanted to talk to Robert Pattinson.
Drew: No, Leonardo Dicrapio.
Nola: Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha.
All of sudden the lights are turned down and all attention is to the stage. Beyonce saunters out and begins a song.
Nola: (singing, quite loudly) All the single Haitis! All the single Haitis. All the single Haitis.
Drew: Nola! (chuckling) Quiet.
Beyonce: Everywhere I’m looking now I’m surrounded by your embrace. Haiti I can see your halo,
Record skips. Nola jumps up and rushes Beyonce.
Nola: B! B! Stop. Haiti’s Halo? That’s a dust cloud… from debris. (Grabs the mic.) You are fired. Now, I must ask you to collect your things and leave the building.
Wyclef walks by
Nola: Refugee!!! Hey, come here. (snapping her fingers) Come here. I have an idea for you.
Wyclef: I don’t even know you.
Nola: Yeah, if it weren’t for this telethon, I wouldn’t know you either. But I heard you were the guy who got famous after doing a cover of a song. Right? Well… you need a comeback, right?
Wyclef: Um, I guess.
Nola: Let’s cut the shit Clef, on January twelfth, you lost your fan base. So look, here’s the angle. You need a song. A beautiful catchy song that connects people to the tragedy. Remember how Katrina telethon had that Hallelujah song. And now when people hear that song it reminds them of….
Cut To Justin Timberlake
Justin: Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. I heard that ….
Nola: Okay, well for awhile they heard that song and thought of New Orleans. Anyway, You take a cool eighties song and cover it. I’m thinking ‘We Built This City’ but you change it up a little to ‘We Built This Shitty.’
Wyclef: You’re joking.
Nola: No sir, I never joke. I am always one hundred percent serious in the wake of tragedy. And since I was born on Skid Row to two junkies, I guess you could say I’ve been serious my whole life.
Wyclef: Whoa, okay, chill out little white devil, you’re killing my high.
Nola: Okay, so the next thing you need to do is ride the coattails of a catchy campaign. A perfect fit for us would be NOH8. We’ll add a TI to the tape and start filming celebrity endorsements.
Wyclef: Why would we want NOH8TI?
Nola: You’re a refugee. Use your noggin. I’m not allowed to say this on your record, but I can tell you that the Obama administration wants to make it clear that if the rebuilding of Haiti did not happen and refugees were forced to move on, we would gladly accept them here in the good ol’ for now United States of the white Americas. You’ve seen how Americans open their hearts in the midst of tragedy. We think this will go over well with the populists.
Wyclef: Child. Are you crazy? I don’t want no crazy machete waving Haitians running up on my house. I’m gonna help em, but I’m gonna help em over there. Know what I’m saying.
Cut to stunned camera man who just caught that whole exchange on live television..
Camera man: ughhhhhhh……
Nola’s phone rings.
Nola: Hi, O. You saw? Yeah, it was perfect. The administration’s policy on refugees is clear. It’s also clear that a former refugee wants no part of it. Right. I’m on my way back; just have to stop at an after party. Yes. I’ll behave. Ish. Press conference? Absolutely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to brief at the White House. Ciao.