Tag Archives: reform

Nola’s Back… In the way that the debt crisis is averted.

We once again return to the Oval Office.  Barack sits, smoking a Newport and  listening to the radio.

Barack: You’re still cool baby. You’re still cool.

He receives a text message :

He turns on a radio and let us now listen in:

Hola y recepción a otra tarde de secuestre la radio.

Obama: Oh Jesus. Can I get a translator in here?

(from Radio) Nola: No need for a translator O, I’m taking over the radio show tonight. Tell  Archuleta she can go back to falsifying the voter registration cards.

Obama: Can you hear me? See me?

Nola: No O, I’m on the radio. I can’t hear you or see you. I just know you that well. Which is exactly why I thought it was time to get in touch.

Obama (to an agent) cancel Archuleta, make sure this line is secure. Cut feed to any other signals.

Nola: And don’t worry about cutting feed to any outside signals. Nobody, save a few sad Colombians, is listening to this program. The hours are dreadful and the show is a bit – ugh, hopeless, if you know what I mean. Oh – hold on we need to play a request right now Call in and we can talk.

Cut to the radio station in Bogota. Nola sits in an old disc jockey booth playing 8 tracks.  A line of Columbian women and children stand at the door waiting for their turn to talk.

Nola motions to an old woman to step up to the mic:

Poor Colombian woman: Hola, mi nombre es Guadalupe Manore y quisiera decir mi marido Jose que aunque él puede todavía ser perdido en la selva con los gorilas I ámelo y esperanza que él se volverá pronto.

Nola: That was Guadalupe hoping that her crazy husband Jose will stop playing around with the Gorillas in the jungle and come home and help her raise their 58 children. Now I’m going to take a call from a sad and desperate man who is mourning the loss of his cajones. Go ahead O, say hello to the Colombians.

Obama: Nola! I am still your President. You can’t talk to me that way.

Nola: My president? O, in case you forgot you and your party totally abandoned me after the Whale trial. And everybody knows your balls are at this moment sitting in Boehner’s briefcase.

Obama: Nola, there were some non approved extracurricular assignments you involved yourself if you remember correctly.

Nola: Ah, the terminal tot squad. We were ahead of our time.

Obama: Where have you been?

Nola: O, we don’t have time. I’ll be back soon and explain everything.

Obama: In great detail I’m sure.

Nola: Sorry, hold on, gotta play another request:

(radio voice Nola) This song is dedicated to all you hostages out there in the jungle from all your women back here in Bogota. They’re just trying to survive papis just like you. And to the little mamisetas, I hope you’re hugging Sancho tight tonight:

<Music plays>
I don’t practice Santeria, I aint got no crystal ball…

Nola: O, okay back to you. This debt ceiling. No way you can do it without some revenue. I don’t care that you guys made poor Giffer come down there and vote. It isn’t going to help O. We’re broke.

Obama: Nola, it’s dead. No revenue. I can’t utter the word tax without Boehner crying like a little bitch.

Nola: Has anyone found his secret room yet?

Obama: Nola!

Nola: He has one O, I’m telling you. Classic signs of a pervert. He cries too much. Anyway, this debt issue – You’ve got to outsmart them. Remember that time we were at Old Ebbit’s and you wanted to leave the waiter a 10% tip and we argued?

Obama: I just don’t think what she did was worry of more than 10%.

Nola: You’re half black, I get it. You don’t have to constantly remind me. But, more importantly, what did I say when you said ‘what is it with white folks and tipping’

Obama: It’s the way we pay for our white guilt quietly, without having to admit to white guilt.

Nola: Bingo! O hold on- I just won.

Let us cut to Nola’s radio station/Bingo Hall

Nola is waving her Bingo card in the air while 100s of angry old Columbian women stare her down.

The bingo caller tries to wave off the bingo

Nola yells:  Escucha el asshole, yo quiere el pollo. I don’ cuidado de t si I’ m en el teléfono. Jugaba y pagué mi botella de Tequila mi tarjeta. ¡Quiero mi pollo! ¡Gané!

Sorry O, little mix up on the bingo game. Any who, You’ve got to level with these white rich people. You’ve got to speak their language. You can’t raise taxes. You have to call it taxes with a tip – or TWATs

Think about it. Who tips for everything?

Obama: Rich white people.

Nola: They tip at least 20% on everything. 20% to the Koreans for their nails even though they never do them quite as good as white people. 20% to Starbucks baristas even though they mostly screw up their super simple and not at all obnoxious ‘half skim, 2/3 decaf, steam to 500 degrees then put in the ice’ coffee-esque concoctions. 20% to the guy who washes the car even though they have to kindly remind him he missed the tires again. 20% to the guy who checks their coat. 20% to the guy who parks their car, the guy who mows the yard, the maid who cleans the house, the door guy who stands in front of their apt, the Persian who tailors their clothes, the dry cleaners, the fruit stand guy, the homeless people. The only people white people don’t tip are their families and other rich white people (their doctors, CPAs and lawyers) because as they say they ‘already pay for his second home in Barbados.’

You know that part of the reason tipping is structured into our culture? Because white people along time ago loved feeling like they were doing something for somebody above and beyond. They love that feeling more than anything else in the world.

And… it’s a win/win because it just so happens that those on the receiving end of the tips are people in a lower status. They can unload some of their white guilt and at the same time gain feelings of power. It’s really brilliant, actually. We just need to use it for our purposes.

So here’s your proposal. You add a federal Income tax tip bracket. You make these ‘tips’ visible to the public. I’ve already talked to Buffett

Obama: How are you in contact with Buffett? In Colombia?

Nola: Oh, O, there are a lot of things you don’t know about Buffett. Anyways– he’s on board. Once he starts tipping on his taxes – and twatting about the TWATs , they’ll all start tipping on their taxes. The one thing the richies can’t stand is for someone to tip more than them. You know Steve Wynn will ask his accountant ‘how much did Forbes tip on his taxes’ It’s just in their nature.

Obama: I can’t thank you enough. When are you coming back?

Nola: Not sure O, not sure. I’m rather enjoying this gig. I’m learning a lot about how to overthrow a government.

Obama: Nola!

Nola: Relax, in 2012 you’re going to thank me because you’re not getting reelected.

Obama: I think it’s up to the people.

Nola: That’s actually the problem.

Obama: Anyway, thanks so much my Sweet, Pretty, Young Nola. Anything else that could help my chances in 2012?

Nola: You have to push for Universal Healthcare. I know, I know you think the people hate it. But listen, you aren’t selling it right. What you need to do is present it to the folks like this: Universal healthcare means filling out only one New Patient form – ever. If that don’t get the old folks along for the ride I don’t what could. Ciao for now Comrade.

(radio voice) Let’s get back to soft hits with Nola ‘the kidnapped-love doctor’ Shumway.

Nola: Has your love been kidnapped by rebel guerilla forces? Are you missing your government sympathizer tonight? Come down and send them a message tonight on Kidnap Radio Bogota. (looks at pic of kidnap victim) I mean this guy just has the face of a hostage you know.

Back at the Oval office:

Barack: Get Carney in here. And get me the VP.

William Daley: Biden? I haven’t seen him in months.

Barack: Not Biden you idiot, my veto pen. We’re taking this thing back. Oh, and go get Boehner’s briefcase, I’ve got to get a couple of things out of it. And Daley?

Daley: yes, O?

Barack: Prepare the Lincoln bedroom, I suspect Nola will be around soon.

Nola talks to the press, leaves (almost) no question unanswered…

You’ll need to know (if, in fact you don’t already. Shameful)–

Jon Favreau: (not the director) actually, head scriptwriter  speechwriter for Obama.

Robert Gibbs: Press Secretary (follow him on twitter!)

(We find our sweet, pretty, young Nola, backstage at her first press conference.)

Robert Gibbs: And stop calling it a press conference. We call it a briefing. Conference portrays an image of togetherness. Briefing is what we’re doing. We talk, they listen, we leave.

Nola: (standing behind blue curtain, peeking out, watching the press take their seats) this is worse than the Oscars. Is it really pertinent to make sure everyone sits in their assigned seat?

Robert Gibbs: (looking up from his notes) huh, well I personally think it’s all a bunch of bullshit. But, real estate is real estate I guess.

Nola: I guess. Hey, Gibbs, can I call you Gibbles and Quips?

Robert Gibbs: No you may not.

Nola: Got it. Hey Gibbler?

Robert Gibbs: (annoyed) Yes Nola.

Nola: I have some ish-hues with this speech.

(Jon Favreau comes running in from-well- from nowhere quite frankly.)

Nola: Where in a fat girl’s belly button did you come from?

Jon Favreau: It’s not important. Don’t touch that speech Nola. It’s perfect. O signed off on it. I know how you like to get on your little Milk crate and lecture and rant and rave, but not today. Everything has been carefully loaded into the teleprompter. We are not going off script on this one.

Nola: The speech needed edits.

Jon: That speech is a dream.

Robert Gibbs: Hey! Hey! Gentleman (looks down at Nola confused)

Nola: Little woman is okay by me thank you.

Robert Gibbs: Gentleman and little woman. Some perspective. We are about to go out and tell the Press, and more importantly, the Republican attack machine-

(Nola and Jon start mimicking Rush Limbaugh’s fist pumping at the Miss America pageant.)

Robert Gibbs: Guys. Guys. Stop. I’m serious. We are about to go out there, you know, and tell them that an eight year old, who may or may not have ties to the KGB-

Nola: Oh I do, Gibbles, I do.

Robert Gibbs: (stares at her) Right, okay… that an eight year old, with ties to the KGB has the ear of the President.

(All of a sudden The Black Eyed Peas tonight’s gonna be a good night comes on- probably from Favreau’s IPod. Nola and Jon start fist pumping like crazy)

Robert Gibbs: I give up. (Pause) Weren’t you two fighting?

(Music stops)

(Sexy Intern walks in.)

Sexy Intern: Two minutes Mr. Secretary.

Nola: (To Gibbs) I’m (waving her hand in front of his face) bringing my Milk crate on. (Waves hand) Hello? Robert? What is wrong with you?

Jon: He still isn’t used to all the sexy females around here.

(Nola kicks Gibbs in the groin)

Nola: Hey Jerk. Mary Catherine Gibbs is a smart broad. Don’t fuck it up on some skanky coquette with connections. Intern- put your shirt back on. Jon- here are the edits to the speech. Let’s do this!

(Nola and Jon push Gibbs out on stage. They peek through the curtain to see what is going on)

Nola: (to Jon) oh for the love of Turkish bathes, I told him not to do the Ann Curry joke. It isn’t funny, and nobody is going to get it. It’s like the time that little spelling bee kid tried to do a Napoleon Dynamite joke. Wrong audience. What a schmuck.

Let us cut to the Briefing:

The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release                                                                                                                                March 10, 2010

Briefing by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs and Special Advisor to the President Nola Shumway.

James S Brady Press Briefing Room

934 EST

Robert Gibbs: Good morning, good morning, everybody in the news this morning, good morning. Today, in response to an overwhelming abundance of gossip and hearsay, the administration has decided to make available for the Press and public, a close adviser to the president, Nola Shumway. She will give a short statement and take no questions. She is unfortunately due at another engagement at 1000 am. Thank you. Without further delay, I give you Nola Shumway.

[Nola Shumway walks out from behind the blue curtain. She passes the podium. She sets down a Milk crate, labeled ‘In Memory of Harvey’, steps onto Milk crate and begins to speak.]

Let us cut to the oval office, where O, Jon and a few cabinet members have joined to watch Nola on the feed:

Obama: (inhaling) I think she’s going rogue.

Jon: No, she’s going to do the speech.

Hillary: After what that little slut said about me and Bill? I hope they crucify her.

Obama: (laughing) Nola would enjoy that. Ever since she got back from the New Testament she can’t stop talking about the kinky crucifixion role play she wants to do with Vladimir.

Jon: Eww. That’s like talking about my little sister.

Obama: (laughing) hey, Hill, you wanna hit this?

Hillary: Actually, yes. Fucking bill. You know, Nola was right though. It is burgers or bitches with him. It’s like, if he’s not shoving a burger in his mouth he’s shoving his cock down some slut’s throat.

(O and Jon laughing hysterically.)

Jon: You wanna piss him off? I’ve wanted to fuck you since I was twelve.

Let us cut to The Briefing Room-

[Nola steps on a Milk crate labeled ‘In Memory of Harvey’ and looks down at the speech Jon Favreau prepared]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nola: You know what, this statement is retarded. I’m going to go ahead and take some questions.

[Gibbs faints.]

Let us cut back to the Oval office.

Obama: (choking on smoke) Oh Jesus, she’s rogue!

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Okay wait! Hold on. Let me get my seating chart.

 [Nola jumps up onto the podium, sits on it, swinging her legs over the front. She begins.]

Nola: Okay. Let us open the floor for questions. Helen?

Helen: Well, Nola. May I call you that, Nola?

Nola: You my dear may even call me late to din din.

[Chuckles in the room]

Helen: Well Nola, I must say I speak for this entire room when I say we’ve been anxiously waiting for when the time would come when we were finally given access to you. We’ve heard quite a bit about you. What I want to know is… is it true? Do you indeed have the ear of the President?

Nola: [reaches into her pocket and pulls out a brown plastic ear] I do indeed.

[Chuckles in the room]

Nola: Jake.

Jake: Hi Nola, Jake Tapper, ABC –

Nola: – I know who you are. I follow you on Twitter.

Jake: Wow. Thanks.

Nola: You aren’t funny. A dry liquor cabinet at your inlaws’ house when you’re staying the weekend is funnier than you. An HIV-infected child prostitute is funnier than you.

Jake: Ouch. Okay. Well speaking of HIV.

[Nola laughs]

Nola: See, HIV is funnier than you.

Jake: My sources tell me you were recently heard making disparaging remarks to an assistant at the HopeforHaitiNow benefit in regards to HIV positive adults.

Nola: Yes.

Jake: My source says you also told the assistant; I quote “you can throw my gift bag Haitian baby in the dumpster.’

Nola: I’m looking for a question. Does anybody see a question floating around here?

Jake: Well, my question… I suppose… is…

Nola: Yessss……

Jake: Do these statements reflect your true nature?

Nola: They do. (Looks down at her chart.) Jesus on a Leash, lemme just get this one out the way. Wendell.

[Wendell stands up begins to speak]

Nola: We know, we know. Fox News, row 2, seat 4. Nobody cares. Go.

Wendell: Are you a Socialist?

Nola: I enjoy a good cocktail party now and then.

Wendell: Are you a Communist sympathizer?

Nola: Well, if you’re referring to the time I accompanied Kim Jong Il to the opening of Ballet of the Fat in Moscow, then I must admit I am. In my defense, the poor thing’s date backed out at the very last moment. Its bad manners to leave a friend in a church, isn’t it?

Wendell: You mean ‘lurch.’

Nola: Oh no, I’m quite certain I mean church thank you. Sheryl.

Sheryl: Can you comment on the nature of your relationship with Prime evil, pardon, Minister Vladimir Putin?

Nola: Sexual.

[The room collectively gasps]

Nola: I kid! I kid! Geesh. We also hang out together. We really like to walk together around his duck pond. But mostly we really like Fu-

Let us cut to the Oval Office:

(Obama, who has passed out, is being fanned. Favreau is hiding all of the drugs and Hillary is laughing so hard she has just pee’d in her pants.)

Let us cut to FOXNEWS breaking news ticker:

PRESDENT’S EIGHT YEAR OLD AID ADMITS PURLY S XUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH PRIM MINSTER VLADIMIR PEWTIN

Let us cut to a mobile home in Mobile, Alabama:

Wom’n: See, I knew it. That Obama is selling that sex trade to the Rushins just like Rush talked bout.

Man: An that money is goin straight to pay fer his birf certificate doctrin.

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Okay. Okay. Settle down. Please. We need to stay on track. I really do have a ten o’clock.  Alright. Any-many-miny-Oh! (Looks down at seating chart, her finger placed on) Jennifer-

Jennifer: (crazy woman who talks to Nola like a baby) Hi! Hi! Hewoh! Can you tell us your… favorite…color?

Nola: Light skinned Negro. (Pause) of all of those fat fingers that you’re waving at me, can you tell me which your favorite was?

[Confusion on Jennifer’s face. Nola snaps her fingers at two huge, scary, white Russians who come and remove Jennifer from the room]

Nola: (screaming) DOES ANYWODY ELSE HAVE ANY QWESTIONS FOR WA LIL GIRL?

[Silence]

Nola: Good. Chip.

Chip Reid: Word in Washington is that you and the President differed on his idea to extend a safe haven for Haitian illegals in the US after the earthquake. Is this true?

Nola: True.

Chip Reid: Can you speak as to why you disagree with his policy?

Nola: I’ll only say to my Mexican friends who unlike their Haitian rivals, don’t come here with Machetes and bad music to rape and pillage the country: Ruegue para la lluvia, mis amigos, ruegue para much alluvia de mierda. (pause) Ed.

Ed Henry: I’m holding here a chart that was obtained by sources close to the RNC.

Nola: A Leak.

Ed: Um, (red faced) well, I can assure you I have no knowledge of-

Nola: (kicks Gibbs, wakes him) Gibbler, there’s a leak. (Pointing to ceiling) it seems like water. You should go check it out. Okay, Ed. Go ahead.

Ed: Oh, okay. So, this is a chart that seems to be signed by you.

Nola: Excellent journalistic work, Ed. Get to the pointed question.

Ed: is this a joke?

Nola: It is not. It is a clear and simple approach to Health Care Reform.

Ed: (laughing) But you can’t, seriously, think that a ‘Conservative Plan’ that leaves out preventative medicine because they ‘pray to God for that’ will be taken seriously.

Nola: Well, as you know, I spent a great deal of time in the New Testament chasing down Jesus. What I learned is that people, who believe in God, believe that God has a plan.  If God plans on you developing colon cancer than it’s against God’s plans to go in for a screening. I’m just abiding by the beliefs of god fearing people. (Pause) Yes, Mike.

Mike: Yes, Mike, from Time. I’ve done my research and it’s pretty interesting. You’ve had your little hands in everything from Prop 8 to gangs, even the banking crisis. That is quite a schedule for a little girl.

Nola: yes, well I have to keep busy. Can’t let this girlish figure get fat. Vladdy doesn’t do fat.

Mike: Well, I appreciate the transparency. You’ve been honest and answered every question directly. I think I speak for the entire press corps when I say it’s a refreshing change.

[Every (cough) journalist, save for one in the back, gets up and applauds]

Let us cut to the Oval Office:

Obama: (smiling) My Sweet Pretty Young Nola. I’m amazed. They love her.

Fav: (sad) she didn’t even say one of my words.

Hillary: (stunned) I think they’re mesmerized by her nipples. How is she getting away with not wearing a shirt?

Fav: Strategically placed suspenders.

Hillary: Is that allowed?

Obama: She’s been working with Christian from Project Runway. It’s art.

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Oh, please sit.

[Gibbs pokes his head out from behind the blue curtain and signals for her to wrap it up]

Nola: Okay. Okay. Please stop. I know you love me. Geesh, I didn’t think we would have to break out the drool buckets. (Laughing) Okay. I have to skedaddle. I’ve a very important case starting in a few days. It’s a whale of a tale this one. That’s all, that’s all. Tata.

[From the shadow in the back of the room the lone seated journalist stands and yells one final question for our sweet little Nola]

Journalist: Ms. Shumway, What have to say about your years spent as an operative for the Republican Party?

[Fav’s IPod skips just as Gibbs dives from behind the blue curtain. Gibbs pulls Nola out and the live feed goes dark]

Nola’s Health Care Reform chart…

Early this morning at the Oval office:

Nola and O sit together in the Oval office. She is irritated that her Press conference-

Robert Gibbs: It’s a briefing Nola.
Nola: Shut up Gibbs, let the writer, ugh, write.

As I was writing… Nola and O sit together in the Oval Office. Nola is irritated that her Press Briefing has been put off for the Health Care Summit.

Nola: O, will you at least present it?
Obama: Nola, it isn’t an option.
Nola: You’re right. There are three. Come on… Will you at least look at it?

He does:

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Obama: Absolutely not.
Nola: But O!
Obama: Nola! Study with Gibbs, you need to be ready tomorrow.
Nola: Fine. (slowly gets up and walks sloooooowwwwwllllllyyyyy across the room)