Tag Archives: Prop 8

Nola does Charlie Rose

Charlie Rose: Tonight on our show, a lil girl who in her short time on this planet has managed to accumulate more accomplishments than those five times her age. Only eight years of age and she boasts an impressive resume: As the so called right hand lil girl of the most powerful man in the free world she has taken in a ballet with the late Kim Jong Il, been involved in the debt talks and has influenced policy – though to what degree we are not aware. For the other side of this lil girl is a dark, highly secretive nature in which she works. She answers directly, and only to the President, and her methods have led to some embarrassing moments for this administration. What is it about this lil girl, who critics have called the most dangerous person in the world? My guest tonight, Nola Shumway. (to Nola) Good evening, Miss Nola Shumway.

Nola: (blushing) Hello Charlie.

Charlie: I want to start with the text message not heard round the world. Take me back to California, just before the election.

Nola: I was out in LA.

Charlie: I’ve heard, though most of my information comes from sources unwilling to go on record, I’ve heard that the then Democratic nominee President Obama had misgivings about you campaigning on the issue?

Nola: Let’s just say the only fags the B.O. was down with at that point were his Newports.

Charlie: But you campaigned anyways. What was the slogan? The first time I heard it I remember thinking ‘this girl has something special’

Nola: No to the Same old, Same old. Yes to the Same same, same same.

Charlie chuckles

Charlie: It didn’t work out though did it? You got arrested?

Nola: Exit Polls, firearms and Soapboxes! Don’t it smell like an election? They missed that quote in the paper. One of my finest if you ask me. But yes, arrested I was. But I was sprung in no time and headed to the Half-White House.

Charlie: Ah, the fateful first meeting of the President and his men.

Nola: And little girl.

Charlie: Were you nervous?

Nola: I prefer a big entrance in those moments. I busted in and screamed ‘Shumway, Nola Shumway. I like my olives garish and I hate martinis

Charlie: Understood, but here you are the youngest aide to the first African American President amidst the most important men in the world. It’s got to get to you.

Nola: Only one of them got to me.

Charlie: Ah. Vladimir Putin. Your rumored beau.

Nola: I can’t confirm or deny because I’m told it’s illegal. I could marry my cousin in about 20 different states but I can’t shack up with an old man until I’m 18. I’ve negotiated treaties between countries, infiltrated terrorist networks and the government wants to tell me I, as an 8 year old, can’t make decisions about who I’m humping? It’s radicchio.

Charlie: Do you see why some may be concerned?

Nola: I was sent by the President of the United States to gain intel on one of the most closed off societies in the world using any method deemed appropriate. And you know what people get hung on?

Charlie: The ballet?

Nola: Yes, that I attended the ballet with Kim Jong. It’s preposterous. We’ll move on now.

Charlie: Of course. Just to be clear-

Nola: (jumps up on the table slides across and as she swings behind Charlie she produces a rope from her boot and fastens it around his neck) We’ll move on here, or I’ll move on here.

Charlie: (laughing) Alright. We move on here.

Nola sits down

Charlie: You know if I were younger and you were older-

Nola: Come on Char, we both know you don’t want me any older.

Charlie: So, after that meeting you got to work on the banking crisis.

Nola: We needed to sell a depression to the American people. They needed to get interested. The only way to get ‘Mericans interested in anything other than food and reality television is to put on a tournament. To coincide with March Madness I created the 2009 March to Nationalization Tournament

Charlie: And that didn’t go well.

Nola: There is always a bigger distraction than the impending doom facing America. It keeps us busy.

Charlie: You were sent back to California to deal with some domestic issues?

Nola: Gayangs.

Charlie: Gangs.

Nola: Gay-angs.

Charlie: Alright. Gay-angs. Where you went undercover as Nola the Chola and met Nolo the Cholo. You got into some trouble there?

Nola: Shout out to my homie Nolo, rest in peace dawg cuz I know you taken a nap at your mama’s crib

Charlie: You were sent- what did Obama say to you?

Nola: After the gay-ang debacle he said he needed to send me somewhere to hide out. Somewhere nobody would look for me.

Charlie: Ah. Yes. And where did he send you.

Nola: The New Testament.

Charlie: And then you disappear for the summer and Fall. But I have it on good authority that you and Larry Summers had some heated battles about the President’s Healthcare Reform.

Nola: Summers is the cat’s bark. Nobody likes the guy. He’s one of my best friend’s but I can’t stand that guy.

Charlie: You fought over the selling of the Health reform to the people.

Nola: I wanted straight forward plans. I made a chart myself. I also wanted to sell it to the old folks first, without even worrying about the youngens.

Charlie: What I heard is you came up with a kind of 1 form 1 time slogan.

Nola: Yes. Old people hate filling out forms. Government healthcare could have alleviated that problem. It would have worked but Summers threw a tantrum and got his way.

Charlie: And you were sent to the Hope for Haiti telethon?

Nola: Punishment, I thought at first. But when I got there I realized it was just a party. It was fantastic.

Charlie: And when you come back from the telethon there is so much public interest in you. Who was this little girl who had the power of men 8 times her age. President Obama decided you were ready to meet the press.

Nola: I had been dreaming of briefing the press at the Half-White House since I was a littler girl.

Charlie: One of my favorite moments in the press conference was the moment you were asked if it was true if you had the ear of the President. And you produced this brown plastic ear and threw it down on the podium. (laughing) Is that still true almost four years later?

Nola: No.

Charlie: It’s not?

Nola: I’ve got the balls of the President now. Why do you think he finally came out in support of gay marriage? It took some time but I’ve built up such an arsenal of information about this President that he can’t do much but tow the line. My line.

Charlie: Interesting. Let’s talk economy.

Nola: I won’t do it. First class or private. Only.

Charlie: I mean, Greece. Debt. What are your thoughts on this latest round of damn the banker? Jaime Dimon is a friend of yours I know.

Nola: Jaime Dimon? He’s a hedgehog. But I love the guy.

Charlie: You’ve defended, famously, a whale before-

Nola: Yes. An alleged killer whale.

Charlie: Any truth to the rumor you may be representing the London Whale?

Nola: I have other plans.

Charlie: I’m curious. Going back to the press conference. You answered all but one of the questions there. I think you know what I’m referring to.

Nola: I was.

Charlie: You are confirming then that you did indeed spend time in the Republican party during the Reagan administration working as an operative?

Nola: I did. I wanted to come on the show tonight and announce to the world that I in fact have never actually left the Republican party and have been working for them all along. The failed first term of the President can be directly linked to me. Failed bank reform. You’re welcome. Failed debt resolution. You’re welcome. Failed Universal Healthcare. You’re welcome. Failed Equal Rights for Gays and Lesbians. You’re Welcome. Failed Campaign Finance Reform. You’re Welcome.

Charlie: Have you spoken to the President recently?

Nola: No need. Haven’t you noticed? Me and Biden have gone rogue.

Charlie: But we will see more of you?

Nola: Oh yes. There will be much more of Nola Shumway to look forward to.

Charlie: Well Nola, thank you for your time. I can’t get over how grown up you seem compared to the girl I met at the ugh- that I met four years ago. I look forward to this next chapter.

Nola: A Presidency will do that do you.

Charlie:  Nola Shumway ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps former aide to the President of the United States.

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No to the same old, same old. Yes to the same same, same same!!

Jules Winnfield speaks out against Prop 8: “What you gotta do is ask yourself ‘Is there some bad shit out there we ain’t lookin at? Is this bad shit badder than the shit I’m bout to vote against? And if it is badder shit, then shouldn’t we be out there worryin’ ‘bout that shit? I mean you got motherfuckerin kids settin some homeless motherfucka on fire for kicks. Motherfucker don’t even have a dollar for ice cream and these little badasses set him on fire. And you wanna tell me God is worried about two motherfuckers kissin’ up in his church? Love ain’t ever bad shit, man. The baddest shit is that love ain’t tolerated. We tolerate some fucked up motherfuckers. I mean my auntie Janisa once got into a fight with a church lady. razored her face. And now she’s up in that church every Sunday prayin’ for crazy bitches such as herself. I love my Auntie Janisa. I don’t think anyone should ever razor a face but I love my auntie. And if motherfuckers are worried about too much fuckin up the ass, it’s cuz they did it and liked it, more than a bitch.”

Wedding planners speak out against Prop 8: “I for one am very tired of planning straight weddings. Bor-ring! I’m tired of lying to the bride about her hideous color scheme.”
“ I’m tired of dealing with pregnant brides who can’t keep their emotions in check.”
“ I’m tired of having to dress up a venue that doubles as the ‘church’ and reception hall. “I’m tired of brides who buy from outlet malls.”
“I’m tired of BRIDES! Give me grooms. Grooms who have taste. Grooms who have well behaved children as their flower girls- not their own daughters born out of wedlock- which explains the quickly thrown together wedding!”

Henry Hasten of Statistically Speaking Magazine speaks out against Prop 8: “Statistically speaking, the sanctity of marriage is in danger of slipping into dangerously low approval ratings. With one out of every two marriages ending in divorce, people are starting to question the validity of marriage. The best way to improve the stats of marriage is to allow an influx of marriage. What we need is a marriage surge! So unless there is a surge in unplanned pregnancies, the only other option is to allow gays to marry, ugh, statistically speaking.”

Ted Haggard (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Haggard)speaks out against Prop 8: “I now believe that God would want us all to be happy and be able to have conjugal visits from the man of our dreams.”

Not so nice, Nola speaks out against Prop 8: “Some people argue that gay marriage is detrimental to society. I don’t agree, but, let’s just say I did (which I don’t) but if I did, I would have to say that there are a few (thousand) more pressing detriments to society. And all, save one (see if you can spot it) are accepted and legal in America; no questions asked- and by questions I mean put to a vote- …. I’ll list just a few: Michael Jackson (Yeah, I said it. Just like Katt Williams: Fuck Michael!) . Roman Polanski. Americans who finance everything. Kids having kids. Scientology. Religion. Fast food. Straight men who just want their mothers. Straight women who let men have their mothers. Girls that don’t say no. Fat girls who put down skinny girls. Skinny girls who put down fat girls (Girls, fat and thin, we must unite! We must fight the true enemy: Fat and skinny boys!) Reality shows. Rockstar. Oscar De La La La LA Hoya and his music career, The lack of any regulations on bands in L.A.- why is that just anyone can start a band? Myspace. Facebook. Mustaches, CNN, MSNBC, The View, Tyra, Dog Strollers, Malibu (Barbie, city, liquor) Words such as-Chillax, like, stoked, fubar, fupa, muffin top. PDidddy, Sean Combs, Puffy, People who don’t take off their Bluetooth devices, boys who think they are great in bed, boys who call girls ‘opinionated’, women lying about size not mattering (it does! It matters how small our waist is and how big your dick is!) Jaegermeister, Men calling women sluts on Halloween because they have finally dressed up the way men have been hoping they would dress up all year!, Dr. Phil, Oprah’s book club, The Jonas Brothers, small children, Food Network, Herpes, Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong and his creepy demeanor, a quarter of the governments in Africa, Half of the South, most of California, Songs like Grillz, The thong song, and any song that starts with Diddy proclaiming ‘this is the remix’ . Any food sold as an “ultimate bowl”, Chris Matthews, Katie Couric and Bob Costas’ new little boy Frankenstein looking hairpiece, people who honk their horns more than once a week.
The list could go on forever. It’s all bad. We are alllllll baaaaadddddd. We are probably all going to hell, in a hand basket, woven no doubt by Oscar De La LA La La hoya!
But gay marriage is our BIG problem? How can we single out gay marriage as the flaw in an
already much too kinked chain? Like Jules said- “way badder shit out there than people lovin on each other”
I say gay marriage, just like Obama, might just be change we need. Everything else in America is f’ed. Maybe we should start with the reinstitution of marriage as an institution of love, faith and commitment. Heteros have had their crack-Let’s see what the gays do! I for one think it will be fabulous…. and if not, it should have been!
Dedicated to all my gay friends, in and out of their closets, everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And just so that i’m completely clear- HoneyBunny speaks out against Prop 8: “NO ON 8 OR I KILL EVERY LAST MOTHERFUCKIN’ONE OF YOU!!! “
 
 
 

(CONTINUED FROM ABOVE BLOG (NO TO THE SAME OLD, SAME OLD, YES TO THE SAME SAME, SAME SAME):

 

EXIT POLLS, SOAPBOXES and FIREARMS! Don’t it smell like an election…….

Asked outside of his polling station in Bell Gardens Precinct 123672aa how the vote went, Jules had the following response: “Vote? Motherfuckas wouldn’t let me in the mothefuckin community center. What kind of motherfuckin community center got metal detectors. And why are those motherfuckers on during an election? What? Is a motherfucka gonna run up in his own polling station and shoot up some motherfuckas votin for the same shit? Little woman over there wouldn’t even let my ass through the door. No on eight, Motherfuckas.”

 

We caught up with one of our wedding planners making a mad dash to her car outside the Manhattan Beach polling station and she had this to say: “I wasn’t registered! Can you believe that? I’ve been so busy registering these stupid, idiotic brides at Target, I forgot all about registering myself. (looks at watch) Damn. And now I have to get all the way out to Encino in an hour to pick up some doves for a six o’clock wedding. I’m not going to make it! Bye, (shouts back as she runs off) Please vote No on 8–I hate doves!!!!!!!”

 

Henry Hasten, sitting on the curb outside his downtown polling station, had this to say: “What were the odds that they would have lost my mail in registration. I mean the odds were in my favor. I know they were. I suspect this has something to do with an interview I gave to one Nola Shumway a few days ago. No on eight. Statistically speaking, we still have a chance.”

Ted Haggard speaking from Sacramento State Prison: “I had no idea we weren’t able to vote. I’m hopeful though. I’m leading prayer tonight so I’m going to have to cut this short. No on 8! It’s never too late to come out in support of that which is your truest nature. And god loves everyman!

Wait a gosh darn sec! You mean to tell me, or more appropriately, I mean to tell you that not one of our Fiesty ferocious do gooders voted on Prop 8?

Wait! What about Nola? Where is she? Where’s Nola?

We now join Nola Shumway at her polling place somewhere in the vicinity of Pico and Robertson on the westside of Los Angeles…

We find Miss Shumway standing in the center of a local community center, on a hand painted crate that says SOAP screaming into a megaphone: “And let me tell you sum’tin else!!! Anyone who has ever benefited from civil rights legislation owes us a vote. Any lame ass comedian who has pulled out a gay joke for an easy laugh owes us a vote. And for that matter, for poisoning the world with your stupid comedy, you owe us a two vote minimum. Any man who’s ever said ‘That’s gay’ owes us a vote. You all owe us a vote and today we collect! Ain’t that right HoneyBunny? No on 8! Pay up you freeloaders!!.”

Nola is immediately escorted outside and we catch up with her just as they are about to put her in the squad car. “Okay, okay, maybe the soapbox was a little much, but come on! You’re telling me this shirt (Nola is wearing a grey shirt that reads “it’s okay to be an ass today”) is a problem? What, Is it against the law to try to persuade voters at the polls? (Nola is told it is) Fine, but in my defense it’s not like that lady isn’t doing the same thing. (camera pans over to a slightly overweight woman who is reading a tabloid, drinking a McDonald’s latte and humming a Rascal Flatts song.) She should be escorted out as well! She is just as obviously trying to persuade voters!” (Nola is tucked into the car and as they drive away she screams silently through the back window no on eight, no on eight, this is an injustice, I’ll say hello to Ted for you…….”

 

So kids, what’s the moral of this very convoluted story? The moral is that it is not enough to be passionate about a cause. You have to act. VOTE! Vote because Jules, Wedding planners, Henry, Ted and Nola didn’t.

But what about HoneyBunny? Where in God’s hell is that H.B. (heinous bitch)

Oh- your story teller forgot– HoneyBunny didn’t vote. She was busy filming a reshoot for her last scene in a previous blog:

On a sound stage somewhere in the Valley HoneyBunny enters polling station and with guns out screams at the frightened voters: “everybody vote no on eight or I execute every last motherfuckin one of ya………..