Tag Archives: Obama

Rape and Pillage & Everything Nice

In an undisclosed location in Manhattan, Nola Shumway – 8, a brat, sometimes aid and sometimes terrorist to President Obama – sits in the 9 O’clock position at an oval-shaped wood table. Directly across from her at 3 O’clock is Jaime Dimon – President and active Board Member of JP Morgan Chase & Co., and sometimes friend and sometimes foe to the Obama administration. Counter Clockwise (yes, always the opposition) from Jaime we round out the table with the remaining board members: Linda Bammann, James Bell, Crandall Bowles, Stephen Burke, James Crown, Nola’s seat, Timothy Flynn, Laban Jackson Jr., Michael Neal, Lee Raymond, William Weldon.

 Hanging on the wall behind Nola, 3 flat screens play the news of the day from 3 different networks: CNN, Bloomberg, C-Span.

Dimon: Nola Shumway. At long last we have the privilege-

Nola: -You’ve always had the privilege Jaime.

Dimon: You didn’t let me finish.

Nola: And that should take… what… another 20 seconds?

Dimon: (laughing) We could have been something, you and I. Alright, let’s talk about why we called you in. We’re interested in hearing your thoughts on PR.

Linda: How long have you been handling the PR for Russia?

Nola: About as long as I’ve been handling the President of Russia. (winks)

Linda: Can you expand on some of your key responsibilities?

Nola: Change-making, transform-doing, ball-juggling. (winks at Dimon)

Dimon: (clears throat) Nola, (glances down at Nola’s CV) can you walk me through what Sin-Ops-I.S. is?

NolaShumway_CV_1of2 NolaShumway_CV_2of2

Nola: Sin-Ops-Is… you know… what I’ve been up to. I think you call it a SEC filing.

Nola looks down at her phone and notices a text from O.

ObamaText_RPEN

 Nola: Well 2 ladies and 8 gents, I’ll be back. Gotta run next door and take care of a little prop bet. I’ll be back in about an hour.

Nola leaves the room and as she does CNN breaks in with this headline: I.S.I.S. IN US?

A video on the screen shows eight US soldiers on their knees in front of 8 terrorists, all dressed in black with only their eyes visible. Each terrorist holds a knife to the throat of the soldier in front of them. The little terrorist in the middle steps to the camera and holds out the knife while speaking.

Terrorist: Americans, these eight men are guilty of heinous acts. For the past 4 years your government has been covering up the events that took place on March 11th, 2011. We urge you to seek answers from your government. If they don’t release the documents, we’ll release these heads from their shoulders. You have until 3:00pm. Operation DYOD will commence.

CNN anchor (it doesn’t really matter): We’ve received only 1 part of this video, but have been told by unnamed sources that at 3:00pm a second video will be released on Bloomberg, our sister’s station.

In the next room Obama sits in front of the same three TVs, at the same kind of table. Somehow he makes it looks much cooler though.

Obama: CNN’s anchor just said sister’s station. Now it’s just sad. (To Nola) Did you bring me a plate? Where have you been for the past 45 minutes?

Nola: O, I was in a meeting and then I had to make a call. And, I can’t just make you a plate. White people think it’s tacky to take home unused food. Unless it’s photographed… and a write-off.

Obama: Fucking white people.

Nola: What’s up? Why am I being summoned?

Obama: The video. It’s disturbing.

Nola: I saw. CNN broke.

Obama: I’ve gotta say, because the extremist talking seems to be about your height. And I’m going to have to ask you a series of questions now. And I wish I could have been here sooner but I’ve been snowed in. (he wipes the tip of his nose)

Nola: Yep got it. Snowed-in. (she wipes the tip of her nose and slides a hand down her left arm)

Obama: Did you use any of the money we gave you to make that video?

Nola: I did not.

Obama: Did you make any of the agreed on propaganda films for the DOD?

Nola: Are you talking about the Friend(s)-fidel show? Basically a Friends reboot in Yemen?

Obama: Yes.

Nola: I did not. Couldn’t secure locations. Like, we couldn’t guarantee that a location wouldn’t be bombed out before we could wrap one day on the pilot.

Obama: So you have the money. (He wipes his nose, rubs his arm, coughs and pounds his chest)

Nola: I do not. (She wipes the tip of her nose, rubs her arm, coughs and wipes her nose again)

Obama: Where is the money!

Nola: I bought a shit ton of weapons.

Obama: Nola Shumway!

Nola: What? A little gun buyback program never hurt anyone. Isn’t that U.S. Policy? For once I tow the line and you’re pissed? So I took a few RPGs off the streets in Damascus. I think the word you’re looking for here is Shoo-Kran.

Obama: Hmm. Shoo-Kran. Is that the Syrian dialect?

Nola: Really, O? Not the time.

Obama: I just want to make sure you aren’t being blackmailed.

Nola: Oh sure. I’m being black maled. I’ve been black-maled, white-maled, half black-maled, yellow-bellied.

Obama: Yellow-bellied?

Nola: It’s a thing they do in the mountains of Kashmir. Trust me, you don’t want the specifics.

Obama: You haven’t answered the question.

Nola: You’re snowed in. I don’t answer questions in unsecured rooms. Tata. I must get back to my meeting. Oh, O, I’ve got a joke for you. (Wipes the tip of her nose) Do you know where to find the chairman of the SEC on a Saturday afternoon around (glances down at her watch) 2:55pm?

Obama: No. Where?

Nola: Goldman’s gym. Floating face down in their dark pool. (Winks, wipes tip of nose and rubs right arm)

A former Yankees player comes sliding in from who the hell knows and almost takes out a secret service guy. He stands up immediately and brushes himself off.

Nola: Hey Jeter.

Jeter: Nola. Lunch tomorrow?

Nola: Sure. (To O) I’ll see you later O.

Jeter to Obama: she’s been setting that bit up for weeks. How are you my man?

Back to the other room:

Nola enters the conference room and jumps on the table.

Nola: All right gentlemen. Let’s get down to it. Who’s interested in a little asset stripping?

Dimon: (to a horrified Linda) She’s crazy. I love her.

Nola: So, today is your last day.

Crandall: Hypotheticals are so much fun. I want to go first!

Nola: Sweetie, I’d say this is highly un-ethical, but I guarantee it is not a hypothetical. Today, Jaime, you and your board are going to perform one last circle jerk, and then be executed through your pre-arranged exit strategies. You can take a poisoned pill, do a golden parachute – oh, and the way we do golden parachutes is:

A woman comes bursting in the doors, dressed all in black. She moves to the windows and opens one. She then picks up board member James Crown by his neck. She walks him over to the open window and slowly places him so that his hands attached to the ledge are the only things keeping him from falling to his death. The woman then drops her pants and begins peeing all over his hands and the ledge. He slips off at about 30 seconds. She pulls up her pants and walks calmly out of the room.

Nola: Easy-pee-sy, 2 ladies and 7 gentlemen, that’s what we like to call a golden parachute. Now, there is one final exit strategy you can employ.

Nola pulls out two guns. Aims one at Dimon in the 3 o’clock position at the table and the other at Crandall Bowles, sitting at the 12 O’clock position.

Nola: That third option, mentioned in my summary, is the one in which I explode my talents all over your faces. So, first up, you guys love a good metaphorical circle jerk. You sit on this board, I sit on this board, and we are the unelected governing body of the world. HAHA aren’t we cute? Well… I’m not into it. It doesn’t do it for me, know what I mean? So, today you’re actually going to circle jerk. Get your dicks out gents, and get ready to jerk each other. Not turned on? Don’t worry – I have your tastes queued up in 3… 2… 1…

Behind Nola on the CNN screen a breaking news banner scrolls across the screen (misspelled of course)

CNN anchor (it still doesn’t matter): We’ve just received the full version of the video and rather than source it, we’ve decided to play it on air, live for the first time. We’ll all watch together. Without any commercial breaks we present to you: OP DYOD (does not stand for ‘do your own dishes’)

Roll Video: 

Our previous 8 militants stand behind the kneeling US soldiers. The little militant (the one who spoke in the previous video) beheads her soldier. As she holds his head in her left hand she speaks directly to the camera.

Little Militant: On March 11th, 2011, these 8 men brutally raped a fellow female soldier. It was reported, investigated and sealed. No charges were filed. To distract the American public, the military started publishing more and more stories of brutal gang rapes – happening in India, happening in Pakistan. These were not new stories, but all of a sudden they were news stories. We’ve given the military, the government, our fathers, our teachers, our priests, our preachers, more than 200 years to deal with the terrorism we face on a day-to-day basis. Instead, they focus on liberating non-whattheybelievers into capitalist money hungry Americans. We have some good old fashioned domestic terrorists here in the US of A-holes.

Militant removes head covering, and it is revealed to be Nola. The other 7 militants remove their head coverings. They are all women. They behead their soldiers and stand emotionless behind Nola. A little girl, maybe 8, walks into frame and stands next to Nola. She holds a legal pad and begins to read aloud from it:

Little Girl: Today, February 14th, henceforth referred to as ‘not your sweetheart day’ our revolution begins. Not our peaceful protests, our half jokes, our cries of no received as screams of yes… our true revolution. The era of militant feminism. We’ve been watching you all, you patriots, you American men, who hurt our sisters.

Cut to Nola in the Board Room:

Nola: (to a horrified Dimon) When she says sisters, you get that I mean that in an African-American general sort of way, right?

He looks at her. He can’t speak.

Back to Video:

Little Girl: Nola has been building an army. Training and diligently reprogramming the indoctrinated minds of the women forced to grow up in this sick society. In a round of unprecedented Series A funding investment, we are happy to have the US government backing, so that we can say we are now the first US State-sponsored fair-rorist organization.

Back to board room:

A large thud  from next door.

Linda: What was that? What the fuck was that?

Nola: It’s just O fainting. He’s a big guy. He’ll be fine. Are you guys on board so far? Pun intended. I mean, I gotta say the branding opportunities are endless. Fair-rorist organization. Who comes up with this stuff? Oh yeah… I do. We’re Unicorn Status.

Back to video:

Little Girl: With coordinated strikes today, Operation DYOD launched to much success.

Video cuts to a hip museum. Several men standing in line. A local anchor, holding a microphone that says DYOD, interviews one of the men in line.

Anchor: Are you excited to see this new installation by the elusive artist ‘Bangsy?’

Man: A friend of a friend told me it’s like Banksy and Pornhub had a babe, and that babe is just 18 so we get to fuck it.

Anchor to camera: You’re charming. (To Camera) Little is known of the artist, Bangsy, given that name because of her similar work to the elusive artist Banksy, but you know, she’s a female, so… sex. Her installation is called ‘Womb to Tomb’ and little is known about the experience other than the participant enters a pink dome all by himself. Nothing is known of what happens once you get inside. For the first time our cameras will be allowed to go inside with one of the participants to capture the experience.

The camera follows a man inside the installation. There are stacks of dead bodies, all men. And as the man walks toward the center of the small room, he looks down, and looks left and then a gun comes into frame from his left and point blank shoots him in the head.

Back to the Board room:

Everyone is still horrified. Well, except Nola, who seems to be in a great mood.

Nola: Dimon, why aren’t you aroused? My IT guys tell me… well, you probably don’t want me to tell these people what my IT guys tell me you’re into. Get to jerking each other.

Back to Video:

Small town America, a football field. Players stand at the 50-yard line. A big banner behind them says ‘Homecoming.’ Cheerleaders dutifully march out to the field with roses in hand to give to the players. As they make their way to the field the PA system comes on, and a familiar voice begins speaking:

Nola: Last Saturday night the Varsity players decided to celebrate their 5th straight loss of the season by getting a JV cheerleader black out drunk and filming themselves rape her unconscious body.

A video of the assault starts to play on the replay screen

Nola: Parents and local authorities were contacted, and given this video, and since we’re all here celebrating the homecoming game tonight I think you can all guess that nothing happened.

The cheerleaders pull knives from their skirts.

Nola: But I also guess you can’t even fathom what’s about to happen now. Commence Operation Deepthroat Your Own Dick.

Before the players understand that this is not a joke, the cheerleaders slice the throats of the players, slice off their dicks and then shove them deep into their throats.

Back to the Board Room:

Nola: Did anybody see that coming? Tell the truth. I feel like maybe I missed my calling sometimes. I think propaganda videos are my thing.

Nola shoots the gun in her left hand aimed at the board member at 12 O’clock – Crandall Bowles.

Dimon: You just murdered one of the most influential women in American finance.

Nola: See, you say murder, I say market correction.

Nola moves her left gun, so that it is aimed directly at the board member sitting in the 1 O’clock position.

Nola: It’s 3:05pm Dimon, and you have until 3:15 to figure out your exit strategy.

Dimon: That isn’t enough time to get you money.

Nola: Ugh. Awkward. I never said anything about money. I don’t know if you pay attention, but we got our Series A. We’re beyond good, bro, we’re Unicorn Status. Okay, wait, you guys this is the finale. Pay attention.

Back to Video:

Now we’re in a faux press conference. A banner scrolling at the bottom of the screen reads: Nola Shumway delivers her sermon on the mount. Nola walks out in all black (because all people who wear all black are crazed lunatics who should not be trusted) and steps up to her podium. Her podium is just bodies of dead men stacked on top of each other.

Nola: Today is a day that shall live in infancy. Out of the baby steps that we have taken today, the feminist movement will actually move. A new brand of feminism is the norm now: militant feminism. Boys and gentlemen… we are coming for you. You have not yet known the kind of violence we are accustomed to. But you will. We’re not terrorists, as the media will claim, we’re fair-rorists, here to liberate you from the dicktatorships you have been brutalized by. And let me be clear, because I know subtleties go over your small brains, when I say ‘liberate you from your dicktatorships’ I mean we’re coming to slice your fucking dicks off and cram them down your throats. We’re coming for the rapists, the date rapists, the cat callers, the career stallers, the anti-abortion pro-anal good ol’ boys, the misogynist men who rap about bitches and hoes and live with their single mothers, the country boys who think ‘we all deserve a whistle’, the politicians who want to legislate and penetrate our vaginas, the bosses who award jobs to likeable girls and pit them against the unlikeable girls, the casting agents and prodouchers who cut women off from roles if they don’t flirt, the married men who treat their wives like second class citizens… None of you are safe, and even if you aren’t guilty you’re all harboring known terrorists. We can get to you because we are your wives. We can get to you because we are not your wives. We can get to you because you think you’re smarter than us and you think we’re too kind to wage the kind of wars that you legitimize under the banner of patriotism. You’ve mistaken our kindness for weakness. We’ve tried the peaceful thing and we hit a wall. But at the foot of a wall is there not a great uprise? We’ve been Martins… but today we become Malcolms. We are coming for your sons, your fathers, your brothers – frat and biological, your co-workers, wingmen, accomplices. You are not safe. Today we impose She-ria law in America… and your asses aren’t ready for the kind of brutality we plan on exacting. Well, we’ve had a lovely evening gentlemen. Don’t call us… we’ll call on you. Tata.

Back to the board room:

Nola: It’s tough to get the tone right on a speech like that, but I think I got it.

Dimon: I don’t understand what I have to do with Militant Feminism. I have two women on this board.

Nola shoots all remaining board members and aims both guns at Dimon.

Nola: Had. You had two. (sigh) You really don’t… due… diligence… do you? If you had you would have realized that I tend to get a little off message. The only reason I’m here is to right a wrong and deliver a message from your old pal Barry.

Dimon: Which is?

Nola: Bye Fiducia!

She shoots Dimon in the face.

Nola is covered in blood, and brain matter. She pulls out her Iphone.

Nola: Siri, can you remind me to update my CV?

She walks to the bloody conference table and starts making a plate of miscellaneous donuts and muffins to take back to Obama. Crandall Bowles lifts her head.

Crandall: Is it safe?

Nola: Not yet, but I’m working on it.

Nola Shumway: Purge and Ac-Quisitions Specialist

A cave, somewhere in (redacted for security purpose). Self-described Secretary Of State Nola Shumway is being led to a small room. She is blindfolded and wearing her BurqAlaïa. She is sat down in a chair. Enter a man that could be 1. An extra on Homeland when they film in Israel but it is supposed to be Lebanon or 2. A leader of Al-Qaeda. He is reading a book ‘How To Win Friends and Influence People’

Al-Jazeera: (just kidding, that’s a news station. Gotcha!)

Al- Atosis: Take off the fataah’s blindfold.

Nola: If you just called me fat I swear to G  – Allah I will drop a drone guided missile on your mother’s house. I kid! I kid! We already did that.

Nola takes her blindfold off.

Nola: First I would like to start this meeting off by saying I would rather be raped than beheaded. Just throwing it out there.

Al- Atosis: Hahahahaha. (To Al-Anon) I like this one. No raping. I wouldn’t lie down with you filthy infidel.

Nola: Am I going to be beheaded?

Al- Atosis: This is the problem with you infidels; you think all we do is rape or behead.

Nola: And blow things up and crash things into buildings. Yes, that is pretty much my working knowledge. Also, you make really cheesy propaganda videos.

Al-Atosis: We are so much more than that and this is precisely the reason we brought you here. Al-Anon (he waves) has been watching you. We are very interested in what you can do for us. Please listen.

Nola: What exactly can I help you with?

AL-Atosis: What are your thoughts about Al-Qaeda?

Nola: Disorganized, lacking a clear mission statement. Wasteful. Incompetent.

Al- Anon: Filthy Bitch!

Al-Atosis: Let her talk! (he shoots Al- Anon) Please, go on.

Nola: You’re past your time. The planes thing? I’ll give you that. Well executed.

Al- Atosis: Pun intended?

Nola: Of course. But since then really nothing. In the meantime the Baja Cartel, Tea Party, Hipsters – they’ve all grown by leaps and bounds. I mean over the summer, the cartels had an Allahdamn recruitment film running in American Theatres called Savages.

Al- Atosis: Al-Yankabitch, why do we not have such a thing?

Nola: Who’s your PR guy?

Al- Atosis: Praise be to Allah he rests with the virgins now.

Nola: Osama? That was your marketing guy? Ineffective, for obvious reasons, but my God- Allah, he was terrible on camera. No charisma. And he’s dead. Al- Yankabitch, you seem theatrical.

Al-Yankabitch: You’ve seen Afghan Idol.

Nola: Nobody did, there weren’t enough antennas.

AL- Yankabitch: (sad) I was a finalist.

Nola: Correction you were a semi finalist moved to finalist after they shot the woman because she swayed – probably wobbly from heat stroke – but she swayed a bit and you shot her in the head.

Al-Atosis: You watched Afghan Idol.

Nola: I was there. Big mistake shooting the woman. Women are what you need and your recruitment strategy is all off. Sure promising 72 virgins to a man in exchange for blowing up the consulate is a good idea, it’s actually genius. But do you know what a woman imagines when she’s promised 72 virgins? The worst 4-minute gang bang of her life. That’s hell, my friend. Which reminds me. We need a kindler gentler Al- Qaeda, which is why we will no longer be referring to them as infidels. They will now be called Friend-fidels. Ps. You’re all pissed off about all the sex happening down here, but it seems like your idea of heaven is a whole lot like an orgy. What if I told you I could give you heaven on earth?

Al- Atosis: Go on.

Nola: Have you ever heard of a little town in Russia called (redacted for obvious reasons)?

Al- Atosis: I mean go on about ideas in regards to Al- Qaeda.

Nola: Well, you guys need a serious rebrand of this organization. Just a few thoughts of the top of my burqa – Fire on your CFO. (They do. They kill AL-Yankabitch) Finances. They’re tied up in the American markets. Remember this: You should trust the Americans in the markets the way you trust an Arab at the market.

Al- Atosis: (laughing) That’s good. I like that joke.

Nola: Also, suspicious packages? Ridiculous. You know what’s not suspicious? (throws newspaper desk) A Newspaper bundle at a newspaper stand. Simple.

Al- Atosis: (jumps) Holy Shiite!

Nola: (laughing) Relax. I’m a scare-orist. It’s just the Moscow Mull. Look at the front page. That’s Vladdy and I at that Ballet.

Al- Atosis: (relaxes a little) Okay, what do we do first?

Nola: Bring in AL-Ly, Al-Ice, and Al-Exandra. From now on we’re a friendly fair-orist organization. Al-Ly, press release. We’re going public – use Twitter not VHS. Al-Ice, get Dimon on the phone – we’ll have GS underwrite the offering: stock weapons. Al- Exandra, get me the President.

Al- Exandra: His head?

Nola: No, on the phone.

Al-Atosis: Americans don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Nola: No, but they do business with them.

Al- Atosis: we have nothing to offer.

Nola: You make one hell of an IED and I think Americans would love to see those on the side of the road in the dreaded lane merge situation. You know that asshole that always drives up the shoulder and cuts in at the last moment? Boom! Yeah, he’d think twice if he knew there were strategically buried IEDS along the road. That alone could win over the hearts and minds of the Americans. Also, you’re our way into Saudi oil. We’ll get you uniforms and you’ll look like a better friend than the Pakistanis in no time. And finally, you can’t kill Americans in bunches anymore at the same time. You have to do it slowly, subtlety – think Mcdonalds, Camel, and Reality Television. Americans love to be killed; they just like to do it on their own turns. It’s what we call Freedom.

Al- Atosis: Do you think it could work?

Nola: You’ll sadly never be around to see the day.

Al- Atosis: I suppose it will take such a long time.

Nola: No, literally I will turn this thing around by tomorrow morning. Your problem is that you’re eating a banana dipped in Ricin.

Al- Atosis: Infidel!

Nola jumps over the dirt table and puts a knife to his throat. He is dying. She whispers:

Nola: Friend-fidel, my friend, Friend-fidel.

And far away at the Half-White House O receives a text message:

Nola in a new (non-sexual) position

Somewhere in the Middle East.

Anderson Cooper: Tonight on AC360 we finally sit down with one of the most controversial figures in the President’s first administration. Tonight is particularly special because I’ve been trying to get an interview with this little girl for 4 years. Finally, tonight, she has agreed to sit down in an undisclosed location – we keep her location secret for fear of her safety – and discuss her plans for the future.

Nola and Anderson are sitting on chairs on the top of a bombed out building.

AC: Nola Shumway, at last we meet.

Nola: Anderson Cooper, at last you’re out. As-salamu alaykum

AC: (giggling uncontrollably)

Nola: I take issue with your lead in. Controversial Figure? I think you and I both agree that the majority of white males over the age of 42 think I have a pretty bangin bod.

AC: (very serious all of a sudden) That’s sad.

Nola: Truly. Perhaps if O had dumped Biden and ran with me on the ticket we could have improved on the ‘white males on the average have small dicks’ percentage.

AC: I think you mean ‘White Males on the average don’t vote for Obama’ –

Nola: That too yes.

ISRAELI ROCKET LANDS 10 FEET FROM THEM

AC: So we’re here to talk about you and the future. The last I saw of you was an appearance on the Charlie Rose show.  You said some pretty damning things about the administration. Where is your relationship with the President these days?

Nola: It’s no secret I have issues with the President.  He still refuses to allow Vladimir and I to stay in the Lincoln bedroom when he comes over and he’s completely opposed to talks with Ahmadijenead. I mean have you seen this guy? He’s hilarious. He’s batshit, but he is hilarious.

AC: You seem to have sympathy for the Middle East in a way that many Americans don’t tolerate.

Nola: Sympathy? It’s not sympathy. I have sympathy for Kanye West. Kanye on that Watch the Throne album sounds like he was from make a wish – and you know what his last wish was? To record an album with Jay Z. I mean he sounds straight retarded. Huuuhhhhhhh. Huuuhhhhh. I mean someone should really check him out. I’m worried about him. But sympathy for the Mid-E? Never. But what I want to talk about more than anything is my new video.

AC: Yes, you are launching a pop career.

Nola: Yes. Under the name SOS.

AC: Help?

Nola: I’m going to try Anderson. My first video is set on the strip. Though I think after the Israelis are done we’ll have to start calling it the Stripe.

AC: (giggling) Why haven’t we always been best friends?

Nola: I told you. I don’t associate with closet gays in position of power. You should all come out. Unless you have bad taste like Bachman’s husband. Then I encourage you to stay in the closet until you figure out something appropriate to wear.  Anyhow, we’re here in the Strip and I play Lady Gaza.

AC: Lady Gaza?

Nola: Lady GAH-za. And I’ve just interrupted a super secret meeting of the world leaders. I walk in and I have Hamas –

AC: I’m sorry Hummus? You’re eating hummus.

Nola: Anderson, just be pretty, sweetie and let the big kids handle the news, k. So there are Hamas and Israeli soldiers flanking me on either side. I’m wearing a BurqAlaïa.

AC: What is that?

Nola: Azzedine Alaia has come out of retirement to design a specially made burqa for me. As a pop star I feel it’s important to pay homage to the beliefs and customs of the people I have stolen from in the name of art.

AC: You’re working with some really interesting people for this video. Can you talk about how you found them?

Nola: I actually can’t because it’s classified information. I can tell you whom I’m humping to obtain my classified information. Do you want to know whom I’m humping to obtain my classified information?

AC: Who says humping?

Nola: I’m literally humping this guy in the EDIT  named EDIT  because he likes his leg humped. He did a lot of years over in East Asia so I think there are some PTSD issues. If you think any politician over the age of 19 can get off without some kind of weird sex than you my frenemy have never made the rounds in DC.

CNN  TICKER: PARTS OF MZ SHUMWAYES INTERVIEW HAVE BEEN RED ACTED BECAUSE CLASSIFIED INFO WAZ DISCUSSED

Nola looks down as the ticker moves across the screen

Nola: Is it that all of your staff went to schools where you all get a trophy just for trying or are you guys truly an equal opportunity employer and the equal opportunity is explored through people who can’t spell. Or articulate. Or, apparently, read.

AC: Video.

Nola: Okay, so I walk in with my backup, and I press play on a tape player. And you hear this:

Lady Gaza Clip 1 

AC: Wait, that doesn’t sound like you.

Nola: It’s Otto Tuned.

AC: Why?

Nola: I’m SOS okay. I can’t have people knowing what I sound like. It’s a security thing. So Otto, my IT guy decided to give me a little mask of the voice.

Nola presses play again

Lady Gaza Clip 2 

AC: So are you dancing during this video?

Nola: Your knowledge of the MID-E is so sad to me Anderson. Do you know what kind of trouble I’d be in if I was dancing? Did you see Afghan Idol? That chick was in hiding for shuffling her feet. Of course I’m dancing! And so are the soldiers. But only during the Ramadan chorus. Towards the end the Israeli gets a little gay and the Palestinian shoots him in the head. The video is cutting edge. I’m using the same director who shot the fake Syrian rebel hostage video for Assad. Do you know how difficult it is to keep robes clean on a set in the sand? Top-notch crew working here.

Lady Gaza Clip 3 

AC: I think it sounds too much like Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance.

Nola: I’d like to see that little Pop tart come after me. (Directly into the camera) Hey Gag, I’m in Gaza and I’m armed. I stole your song. Come and find me.

AC: So a pop career? For once I love that you’re acting your age.

Nola: A pop career? Who said anything about a pop career? I’m not an idiot Anderson.

AC: But you’ll be known as SOS? Help.

Nola: Oh god I hate you. Secretary of State. Hill’s out in January and I’m shooting my little video to show O that I’m the lil girl for the job. It’s down to me and Kerry and Kerry’s still on a sandy beach somewhere looking for his flip-flops.

AC: You can’t be serious.

Nola jumps up from her chair, slides under Anderson’s and pops up behind him, knife at his throat.

Nola: I’m always serious.

Anderson starts crying and pees his pants.

Nola looks into the camera.

Nola: From Gaza Strip or Stripe this has been the night of your life. I have been wonderful. ‘Merica, get ready because there’s a new breed of Foreigner Policy coming your way and most of you aren’t going to like it. I’m future Secretary of State Muhammad Nola Shumway. You’re Welcome. ma`a as-salāma! Don’t forget to check out my full song at (she holds up a sign with the link – of course she can’t trust CNN to get ot right) LADYGAZAFULLSONG!!!! 

She waves us out.

For the full set of lyrics visit: Lady Gaza Lyrics

Nola on set of her latest music video.

Nola does Charlie Rose

Charlie Rose: Tonight on our show, a lil girl who in her short time on this planet has managed to accumulate more accomplishments than those five times her age. Only eight years of age and she boasts an impressive resume: As the so called right hand lil girl of the most powerful man in the free world she has taken in a ballet with the late Kim Jong Il, been involved in the debt talks and has influenced policy – though to what degree we are not aware. For the other side of this lil girl is a dark, highly secretive nature in which she works. She answers directly, and only to the President, and her methods have led to some embarrassing moments for this administration. What is it about this lil girl, who critics have called the most dangerous person in the world? My guest tonight, Nola Shumway. (to Nola) Good evening, Miss Nola Shumway.

Nola: (blushing) Hello Charlie.

Charlie: I want to start with the text message not heard round the world. Take me back to California, just before the election.

Nola: I was out in LA.

Charlie: I’ve heard, though most of my information comes from sources unwilling to go on record, I’ve heard that the then Democratic nominee President Obama had misgivings about you campaigning on the issue?

Nola: Let’s just say the only fags the B.O. was down with at that point were his Newports.

Charlie: But you campaigned anyways. What was the slogan? The first time I heard it I remember thinking ‘this girl has something special’

Nola: No to the Same old, Same old. Yes to the Same same, same same.

Charlie chuckles

Charlie: It didn’t work out though did it? You got arrested?

Nola: Exit Polls, firearms and Soapboxes! Don’t it smell like an election? They missed that quote in the paper. One of my finest if you ask me. But yes, arrested I was. But I was sprung in no time and headed to the Half-White House.

Charlie: Ah, the fateful first meeting of the President and his men.

Nola: And little girl.

Charlie: Were you nervous?

Nola: I prefer a big entrance in those moments. I busted in and screamed ‘Shumway, Nola Shumway. I like my olives garish and I hate martinis

Charlie: Understood, but here you are the youngest aide to the first African American President amidst the most important men in the world. It’s got to get to you.

Nola: Only one of them got to me.

Charlie: Ah. Vladimir Putin. Your rumored beau.

Nola: I can’t confirm or deny because I’m told it’s illegal. I could marry my cousin in about 20 different states but I can’t shack up with an old man until I’m 18. I’ve negotiated treaties between countries, infiltrated terrorist networks and the government wants to tell me I, as an 8 year old, can’t make decisions about who I’m humping? It’s radicchio.

Charlie: Do you see why some may be concerned?

Nola: I was sent by the President of the United States to gain intel on one of the most closed off societies in the world using any method deemed appropriate. And you know what people get hung on?

Charlie: The ballet?

Nola: Yes, that I attended the ballet with Kim Jong. It’s preposterous. We’ll move on now.

Charlie: Of course. Just to be clear-

Nola: (jumps up on the table slides across and as she swings behind Charlie she produces a rope from her boot and fastens it around his neck) We’ll move on here, or I’ll move on here.

Charlie: (laughing) Alright. We move on here.

Nola sits down

Charlie: You know if I were younger and you were older-

Nola: Come on Char, we both know you don’t want me any older.

Charlie: So, after that meeting you got to work on the banking crisis.

Nola: We needed to sell a depression to the American people. They needed to get interested. The only way to get ‘Mericans interested in anything other than food and reality television is to put on a tournament. To coincide with March Madness I created the 2009 March to Nationalization Tournament

Charlie: And that didn’t go well.

Nola: There is always a bigger distraction than the impending doom facing America. It keeps us busy.

Charlie: You were sent back to California to deal with some domestic issues?

Nola: Gayangs.

Charlie: Gangs.

Nola: Gay-angs.

Charlie: Alright. Gay-angs. Where you went undercover as Nola the Chola and met Nolo the Cholo. You got into some trouble there?

Nola: Shout out to my homie Nolo, rest in peace dawg cuz I know you taken a nap at your mama’s crib

Charlie: You were sent- what did Obama say to you?

Nola: After the gay-ang debacle he said he needed to send me somewhere to hide out. Somewhere nobody would look for me.

Charlie: Ah. Yes. And where did he send you.

Nola: The New Testament.

Charlie: And then you disappear for the summer and Fall. But I have it on good authority that you and Larry Summers had some heated battles about the President’s Healthcare Reform.

Nola: Summers is the cat’s bark. Nobody likes the guy. He’s one of my best friend’s but I can’t stand that guy.

Charlie: You fought over the selling of the Health reform to the people.

Nola: I wanted straight forward plans. I made a chart myself. I also wanted to sell it to the old folks first, without even worrying about the youngens.

Charlie: What I heard is you came up with a kind of 1 form 1 time slogan.

Nola: Yes. Old people hate filling out forms. Government healthcare could have alleviated that problem. It would have worked but Summers threw a tantrum and got his way.

Charlie: And you were sent to the Hope for Haiti telethon?

Nola: Punishment, I thought at first. But when I got there I realized it was just a party. It was fantastic.

Charlie: And when you come back from the telethon there is so much public interest in you. Who was this little girl who had the power of men 8 times her age. President Obama decided you were ready to meet the press.

Nola: I had been dreaming of briefing the press at the Half-White House since I was a littler girl.

Charlie: One of my favorite moments in the press conference was the moment you were asked if it was true if you had the ear of the President. And you produced this brown plastic ear and threw it down on the podium. (laughing) Is that still true almost four years later?

Nola: No.

Charlie: It’s not?

Nola: I’ve got the balls of the President now. Why do you think he finally came out in support of gay marriage? It took some time but I’ve built up such an arsenal of information about this President that he can’t do much but tow the line. My line.

Charlie: Interesting. Let’s talk economy.

Nola: I won’t do it. First class or private. Only.

Charlie: I mean, Greece. Debt. What are your thoughts on this latest round of damn the banker? Jaime Dimon is a friend of yours I know.

Nola: Jaime Dimon? He’s a hedgehog. But I love the guy.

Charlie: You’ve defended, famously, a whale before-

Nola: Yes. An alleged killer whale.

Charlie: Any truth to the rumor you may be representing the London Whale?

Nola: I have other plans.

Charlie: I’m curious. Going back to the press conference. You answered all but one of the questions there. I think you know what I’m referring to.

Nola: I was.

Charlie: You are confirming then that you did indeed spend time in the Republican party during the Reagan administration working as an operative?

Nola: I did. I wanted to come on the show tonight and announce to the world that I in fact have never actually left the Republican party and have been working for them all along. The failed first term of the President can be directly linked to me. Failed bank reform. You’re welcome. Failed debt resolution. You’re welcome. Failed Universal Healthcare. You’re welcome. Failed Equal Rights for Gays and Lesbians. You’re Welcome. Failed Campaign Finance Reform. You’re Welcome.

Charlie: Have you spoken to the President recently?

Nola: No need. Haven’t you noticed? Me and Biden have gone rogue.

Charlie: But we will see more of you?

Nola: Oh yes. There will be much more of Nola Shumway to look forward to.

Charlie: Well Nola, thank you for your time. I can’t get over how grown up you seem compared to the girl I met at the ugh- that I met four years ago. I look forward to this next chapter.

Nola: A Presidency will do that do you.

Charlie:  Nola Shumway ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps former aide to the President of the United States.

Nola’s Back… In the way that the debt crisis is averted.

We once again return to the Oval Office.  Barack sits, smoking a Newport and  listening to the radio.

Barack: You’re still cool baby. You’re still cool.

He receives a text message :

He turns on a radio and let us now listen in:

Hola y recepción a otra tarde de secuestre la radio.

Obama: Oh Jesus. Can I get a translator in here?

(from Radio) Nola: No need for a translator O, I’m taking over the radio show tonight. Tell  Archuleta she can go back to falsifying the voter registration cards.

Obama: Can you hear me? See me?

Nola: No O, I’m on the radio. I can’t hear you or see you. I just know you that well. Which is exactly why I thought it was time to get in touch.

Obama (to an agent) cancel Archuleta, make sure this line is secure. Cut feed to any other signals.

Nola: And don’t worry about cutting feed to any outside signals. Nobody, save a few sad Colombians, is listening to this program. The hours are dreadful and the show is a bit – ugh, hopeless, if you know what I mean. Oh – hold on we need to play a request right now Call in and we can talk.

Cut to the radio station in Bogota. Nola sits in an old disc jockey booth playing 8 tracks.  A line of Columbian women and children stand at the door waiting for their turn to talk.

Nola motions to an old woman to step up to the mic:

Poor Colombian woman: Hola, mi nombre es Guadalupe Manore y quisiera decir mi marido Jose que aunque él puede todavía ser perdido en la selva con los gorilas I ámelo y esperanza que él se volverá pronto.

Nola: That was Guadalupe hoping that her crazy husband Jose will stop playing around with the Gorillas in the jungle and come home and help her raise their 58 children. Now I’m going to take a call from a sad and desperate man who is mourning the loss of his cajones. Go ahead O, say hello to the Colombians.

Obama: Nola! I am still your President. You can’t talk to me that way.

Nola: My president? O, in case you forgot you and your party totally abandoned me after the Whale trial. And everybody knows your balls are at this moment sitting in Boehner’s briefcase.

Obama: Nola, there were some non approved extracurricular assignments you involved yourself if you remember correctly.

Nola: Ah, the terminal tot squad. We were ahead of our time.

Obama: Where have you been?

Nola: O, we don’t have time. I’ll be back soon and explain everything.

Obama: In great detail I’m sure.

Nola: Sorry, hold on, gotta play another request:

(radio voice Nola) This song is dedicated to all you hostages out there in the jungle from all your women back here in Bogota. They’re just trying to survive papis just like you. And to the little mamisetas, I hope you’re hugging Sancho tight tonight:

<Music plays>
I don’t practice Santeria, I aint got no crystal ball…

Nola: O, okay back to you. This debt ceiling. No way you can do it without some revenue. I don’t care that you guys made poor Giffer come down there and vote. It isn’t going to help O. We’re broke.

Obama: Nola, it’s dead. No revenue. I can’t utter the word tax without Boehner crying like a little bitch.

Nola: Has anyone found his secret room yet?

Obama: Nola!

Nola: He has one O, I’m telling you. Classic signs of a pervert. He cries too much. Anyway, this debt issue – You’ve got to outsmart them. Remember that time we were at Old Ebbit’s and you wanted to leave the waiter a 10% tip and we argued?

Obama: I just don’t think what she did was worry of more than 10%.

Nola: You’re half black, I get it. You don’t have to constantly remind me. But, more importantly, what did I say when you said ‘what is it with white folks and tipping’

Obama: It’s the way we pay for our white guilt quietly, without having to admit to white guilt.

Nola: Bingo! O hold on- I just won.

Let us cut to Nola’s radio station/Bingo Hall

Nola is waving her Bingo card in the air while 100s of angry old Columbian women stare her down.

The bingo caller tries to wave off the bingo

Nola yells:  Escucha el asshole, yo quiere el pollo. I don’ cuidado de t si I’ m en el teléfono. Jugaba y pagué mi botella de Tequila mi tarjeta. ¡Quiero mi pollo! ¡Gané!

Sorry O, little mix up on the bingo game. Any who, You’ve got to level with these white rich people. You’ve got to speak their language. You can’t raise taxes. You have to call it taxes with a tip – or TWATs

Think about it. Who tips for everything?

Obama: Rich white people.

Nola: They tip at least 20% on everything. 20% to the Koreans for their nails even though they never do them quite as good as white people. 20% to Starbucks baristas even though they mostly screw up their super simple and not at all obnoxious ‘half skim, 2/3 decaf, steam to 500 degrees then put in the ice’ coffee-esque concoctions. 20% to the guy who washes the car even though they have to kindly remind him he missed the tires again. 20% to the guy who checks their coat. 20% to the guy who parks their car, the guy who mows the yard, the maid who cleans the house, the door guy who stands in front of their apt, the Persian who tailors their clothes, the dry cleaners, the fruit stand guy, the homeless people. The only people white people don’t tip are their families and other rich white people (their doctors, CPAs and lawyers) because as they say they ‘already pay for his second home in Barbados.’

You know that part of the reason tipping is structured into our culture? Because white people along time ago loved feeling like they were doing something for somebody above and beyond. They love that feeling more than anything else in the world.

And… it’s a win/win because it just so happens that those on the receiving end of the tips are people in a lower status. They can unload some of their white guilt and at the same time gain feelings of power. It’s really brilliant, actually. We just need to use it for our purposes.

So here’s your proposal. You add a federal Income tax tip bracket. You make these ‘tips’ visible to the public. I’ve already talked to Buffett

Obama: How are you in contact with Buffett? In Colombia?

Nola: Oh, O, there are a lot of things you don’t know about Buffett. Anyways– he’s on board. Once he starts tipping on his taxes – and twatting about the TWATs , they’ll all start tipping on their taxes. The one thing the richies can’t stand is for someone to tip more than them. You know Steve Wynn will ask his accountant ‘how much did Forbes tip on his taxes’ It’s just in their nature.

Obama: I can’t thank you enough. When are you coming back?

Nola: Not sure O, not sure. I’m rather enjoying this gig. I’m learning a lot about how to overthrow a government.

Obama: Nola!

Nola: Relax, in 2012 you’re going to thank me because you’re not getting reelected.

Obama: I think it’s up to the people.

Nola: That’s actually the problem.

Obama: Anyway, thanks so much my Sweet, Pretty, Young Nola. Anything else that could help my chances in 2012?

Nola: You have to push for Universal Healthcare. I know, I know you think the people hate it. But listen, you aren’t selling it right. What you need to do is present it to the folks like this: Universal healthcare means filling out only one New Patient form – ever. If that don’t get the old folks along for the ride I don’t what could. Ciao for now Comrade.

(radio voice) Let’s get back to soft hits with Nola ‘the kidnapped-love doctor’ Shumway.

Nola: Has your love been kidnapped by rebel guerilla forces? Are you missing your government sympathizer tonight? Come down and send them a message tonight on Kidnap Radio Bogota. (looks at pic of kidnap victim) I mean this guy just has the face of a hostage you know.

Back at the Oval office:

Barack: Get Carney in here. And get me the VP.

William Daley: Biden? I haven’t seen him in months.

Barack: Not Biden you idiot, my veto pen. We’re taking this thing back. Oh, and go get Boehner’s briefcase, I’ve got to get a couple of things out of it. And Daley?

Daley: yes, O?

Barack: Prepare the Lincoln bedroom, I suspect Nola will be around soon.

Whale of a Tale Part 2: The defense calls…

Let us rejoin the  courthouse:

Judge: Defense.

Nola: ZzZzZ

Judge: Defense!

Nola: (waking up from her deep slumber, confused) What…Huh… Are you my mother?

Whale: MUUUU. MUUUUUUU. MUUUUUUU.

Nola: What? I don’t speak whale. (to the judge) Does the court reporter speak whale?

Court Reporter: Que?

Nola: Never mind.

She pulls out her Idon’tPhone and babelmammals the text:

 

Nola: Oh, we’re up. Sweet.  Cnn guy! Yes, question, (pulls out two pictures and shows to the visit) Can you tell the difference between these two people?

Cnn guy: No.

Nola: Tea partiers, note the witness cannot tell these two apart. Defense exhibit A and B. One picture of Kathy Rundle looks just the same as one picture of Katherine Harris. (Nola walks to her table, and high fives Al Gore, who has been sitting quietly the whole time.)

Nola: I’m done with this witness. Get him out of my sight. I would like to call my first witness! (To Al) Cue the music.

Lady Gaga’s instrumental of Bad Romance begins to play it. Over it a Tiger’s roar. The lights dim, the court doors fly open and in walks Montecore

Music: Rawr Rawr, Rawr Rawr Rawr, Rawr Rawr, RawrRawrRawrrrrr, Rawr Rawr, RawrRawrRawrrrrrr

After twenty five laps inside the witness stand, Montecore settles in and sits down

Nola: Hello Kittay! (They air kiss on both cheeks) Muah. Muah. Lovely to see you.

Montecore: Hey girl.

Nola: So, you were raised in captivity?

Montecore: Ohmagawd girl, you already know that. You’ve been to my house like a million times.

Nola: Monte, we’re in court. (whispers) you gotta pretend we aren’t beasties.

Montecore: Oh, gotcha. (loudly) No, we never met before. (winks)

Nola: Again, you were raised in captivity?

Montecore: Yeah.

Nola: By Siegfried and Roy?

Montecore: Yeah, sugar, they were my daddays.

Nola: What happened on Oct 2003?

Montecore: Sugarnipslooook,Im gonna be straight wich chew. There was this tacky ass bitch in like the fifth row, andshewasalllikewhisperingovertoherfriendlike ‘ya’ll see that half black Tiger?’ AndIwaslikeoohmygawd,didshejustsaythatlikeRoyI’mgonnabitethatbeetch.AndhewasalllikenoMoMo Vie hav to do sie show. And so then I don’t know, like you like when you get a feelin’ you know and you just can’t control yourself, I just ripped into Roy’s neck. And plus I was pissed at Roy.

Judge: I’m sorry, can the court reporter read that back slowly?  I think we missed some of that.

Court Reporter: Shugar neeps luke. Im go-nah be straight wich chew. Dare was dees tacky

Judge: Stop! Do we have a translator for the court reporter? Nevermind. (to Montecore) please speak slowly.

Montecore: Okay because sometimes when I get dee nerves I speak fast.

Judge: Well breathe. Proceed Nola.

Nola: So why did you try to rip Roy’s face off?

Montecore: Because he was prrr prrr hitting prrr prrr me a lot and stuff like that.

Nola: Can you describe his penis?

Prosecutor: Objection! Leading!

Nola: I’m trying to establish a pattern of sexual abuse endured by the witness at the hands of his captor.

Judge: he never said anything about sexual abuse.

Nola: No, he didn’t, (motioning to the jury) but they heard it. False seeds produce true fruits. Right?

Nola high fives Montecore

Judge: Medic!

Nola: (licking the blood from her hand) I’m fine, I’m fine. Geesh. (winks) Defense is finished with this gorgeous witness. (pause)  Ladies and gentleman of the jury, let the record show that this animal snapped after suffering years of abuse. Abuse, that the For Now United States of America condoned by allowing this sexual act to go on.

Judge: Nola.

Nola: What? I’ve seen their act your honor, it’s very homo erotic. Middle America loves it.

Judge: Prosecution?

Prosecutor: Yes, your honor. On that note,  Montecore, do you think the fact that you were raised by gay parents had a lot to do with your behavior?

Montecore: No, biotch, I think the fact that IM A FUCKING TIGER HAD A LOT TO DO WITH MY BEHAVIOR! If someone don’t geet these beetch outta my face.

Prosecutor: You may step down.

Montecore leaves

Music: RAwr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr…….

Nola: Your honor, for my next witness I’d like to call Steven H Chimp, brother to deceased chimp Travis.

Steven H Chimp enters the courthouse, swears on all 20 forms of religious articles and then takes a seat

Nola: Hi Steven. Can you tell us a bit about your brother Travis.

Steven: Um, well, until that bitch Sandra started medicating him he was a nice enough guy. He was always a little strange, you know, growing up the way he did. But then when he started that anxiety medication, it was like a bomb went off inside of him. So, one day, he just went crazy and ripped that lady’s face off.

Nola: (holds up a picture of a lady) Steven, can you tell me what this looks like to you?

Steven: It looks like a woman who has had her face ripped off by a monkey.

Nola: It does. And, can you tell me who this woman is?

Steven: It’s the prosecutor.

Nola: It is…She is ugly, isn’t she?

Steven: Yeah, she’s pretty ugly. (he poos and then flings it at her)

Nola: Hahahahaha. Hahahaha. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha.

The courtroom erupts with laughter

Judge: Order! Order in the court!

Nola jumps up on the judge’s bench

Nola: Cheeseburger and fries please.

Judge: If I get a side of onion rings will you split them with me?

Nola: Sure!

Prosecutor: Objection! Why do we always eat where she wants to eat?

Nola: Because I’m cute.

Judge: Sustained.

Nola:  Okay. Back to my case. Jury, I think what this witness is trying to convey is that his brother suffered abuse at the hands of his capture. His only recourse was to rip the face off the prosecutor.

Prosecutor: Objection! Defense threatens!

Judge: Sustained. Counsel, watch yourself.

Nola: Fine. Sufferin Succotash you people are so serious. Defense calls Sea World penguins to the stand.

45 minutes after a line of penguins marches into the courtroom, Nola begins her examination

Nola: You suffer from claustrophobia, true?

Penguin: Yep.

Nola: Your honor, I’d like to play a video now for the court. Penguin number 1, what do you see on this video?

Penguin: (Opens his beak)

Nola: (interrupting) yes, that’s me! Genius wasn’t it? Best way to outsource your own protest is to show up to an immigration protest. Those darn illegals, they had no idea what those signs I gave them even said.

Let us cut to KCal newscast about protest at City Hall:

‘Hi, I’m Rick Garcia. (Chuckles) Seems some people got mixed up about what they were protesting down at city hall today. Ha-ha. Let’s cut to the video.

Let us cut back to the courtroom:

Nola: (to the jury) Do you see the pattern that is developing? Innocent wild animals forced to live in captivity and treated awfully. Penguins, you may step down.

In the meantime Nola has had the entrance to the stand sprayed down with snow, so that as the penguins leave the stand they flop on their bellies and slide out.

2 minutes later:

Nola: Your honor, defense calls its final witness, Steve Irwin’s crocodile. Now obviously, in interest of keeping the court safe, we’ve had to tie his mouth shut, so he’d like me to read a statement:

Dearest esteemed court, and members of the tea party jury,

My name is Crocodile. I was one of the crocodiles used during the filming of the ‘Crocodile Hunter’ Let it be known that during filming I was never compensated, I had to go without meals, and I was continuously harassed by Mr. Irwin and his offspring.  I don’t wish to go into details, but those were the most painful years of my life.

Sincerely,

Crocodile

(Nola puts away the paper and addresses the Judge)

Nola: Your honor, the defense takes a nap. Croc, you may step down.

Judge: Okay, well let’s recess and start with closing statements in the morning.

Prosecutor: (leaps out of her chair) Hold it! Prosecution calls rebuttal witness to the stand.

Nola: Huh? The croc had me read a statement. You wouldn’t even let him open his jaw. Who could possibly have anything to say about his testimony?

Prosecutor: Prosecution calls Stingray to the stand.

Court gasps….

Judge: Order! Give me my order!

Nola: Your honor, I need a moment to interfere on behalf of my client.

To be continued….

Whale of a Tale Part 3: Wingslaps, Whale tale high fives and double dutch.

We return to the third and final installment of Whale of a Tale:

StingRay is placed on the stand and the swearing-in books are placed in his tank.

 Just as he is about to place his barb on the books the Judge interrupts –

Judge: Witness may proceed without swearing in.

Prosecutor Rundle: StingRay.

StingRay: Gooday.

Prosecutor Rundle: Care to tell us how it is that you came to kill Steve Irwin?

StingRay: Alright, sure, mate. That croc over there ‘proached me to do a deal. Said he needed to get rid of that crikey white devil. Said he pay me ten squid to off him. So that’s what I did.

Prosecutor Rundle: No further questions.

Judge: Defense.

Nola: Sting Ray Can you tell me which of these two is the croc that approached you about murdering Steve Irwin?

StingRay: The one on the left.

Nola: You’re positive?

StingRay: I’m positive.

Nola: (to jury) Let the record show witness has admitted to being HIV positive and also that he is sure that the ‘croc’ on the left is the one he spoke too.

Prosecutor Rundle: Objection! Defense is salamandering the witness.

Nola: Fine. I strike my statement. Let the record show witness denies being HIV positive and believes that the croc on the left is the croc he spoke with.

Prosecutor Rundle: Oh Jesus! I give up!

Nola: Let the record show that both of these pictures are in fact of the same…. Alligator!

Court gasps!

Nola: Witness can’t tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile! Remove him.

StingRay slaps Nola across the face with his wing. She flies across the room, hits the wall slides to the floor, gets up and takes her seat next to the ‘Alleged’ Killer Whale.

Judge: Closing statements. Prosecution?

Prosecutor Rundle stands at her table and addresses the jury –

Prosecutor Rundle: I need a drink.

Judge: Very well. Defense?

Nola throws herself on the ground and goes on a fifteen minute tantrum

Nola: I don’t wanna- it’s not fair, you can’t make me… waaaa…. Waaa. And another thing…. I don’t wanna… It isn’t fair!

Fifteen minutes later

Nola: (rolling around on the floor) I don’t think it’s fair! I don’t wanna!

Judge: Nola.

Nola: But it’s not fair! I don’t wanna!

Prosecutor Rundle: This is childish even for a child. I can’t believe I’m here.

Judge: NOLA!

Nola: Yes?

Judge: I think we get it.

Nola: Great. I’ll be outside playing double dutch with the homeless. (She skips out) Lalala lalala lalala….

Judge: Jury, please remove yourselves to deliberate.

Let us now cut to CNN

Nancy Grace: Well Wolf, the texts just keep on comin’ in and I’d say our little Miss Nola is going to have to put up a big fat L on her forehead because the case that the prosecution presented was just too much to argue with. Who can argue with ‘I need a drink’, who? I certainly couldn’t. It looks like I’m not going to get to throw my babies off the Brooklyn Bridge after all.

Wolf: You meant to say have – right? You meant to say you weren’t going to have to throw your babies over the Brooklyn Bridge. Right?

Nancy: (throws her head back) Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha! Ha! Yes of course. (All of a sudden very serious) Let’s cut to the deliberation of the jury. For the first time ever we’ve been granted permission to listen in as the jury deliberates. Listen carefully to hear your concerned citizens fulfill their civic duty.

 

Nancy: Well Wolf, it looks like they are really getting into the bones of the case and really trying to get at the heart of the matter.

Wolf: I’ll be honest Nancy; I just heard a lot of crazy rambling.

Judge: Tea Party Jury, you have come to a verdict?

Tea Party Foreman: We have your honor- and may I just say that you were and only granted the power to preside over these hearings by the greatest document known to any man on any planet – The Constitution – and so you think you have the power but the true power lies in the people.

Judge: Just shut the fuck up and read the verdict.

Tea Party Foreman: Yes sir. We the jury felt that the defendant was guilty –

Nola looks down at phone

Tea Party foreman: – But then we couldin’ really agree on as to why we thought the whale was guilty so then we come up wit the solution that the whale wasn’t guilty but the victim. We think. So we find for the defendant.

Nola: Your honor, in light of the recent finding defendant asks that Sea World and furthermore the state of Florida to pay for all legal fees incurred during this trial.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: Defendant wishes to be immediately released into the wild and citing the ruling Keenan VS Butler in which the victim was given the property of the perpetrator’s compound, we ask that Bristol Bay be awarded to the Whales as a sanctuary.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: In the legal document I just filed two seconds ago through Legal Zoom, the crocodiles have filed a suit against the Federal Government for not protecting them against immigrants, namely and most specifically Steve Irwin and that creepy little daughter of his.  The crocodiles ask that compensation be paid with the immediate take over by said crocodiles of every swamp and marsh land in the America.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: On behalf of Siegfried and Roy’s Tiger, on the grounds that Montecore and many other cats were held against their will and humiliated for years we ask that the Federal Government promptly invade Africa and give it to the Tigers.

Montecore: Aw, hell no I ain’t going back to Africa. Get my ass a floor at Aria.

Nola: Motion to strike last request.

Judge: granted.

Nola: Defense instead asks that in regards to the Tiger, the Federal Government allow my Russian boyfriend to strong-arm the Vegas Casino and hotel Aria to allow for immediate accommodation of said upper level penthouse for Montecore as long as he or his heirs shall live.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: (Takes out Milk crate) and another thing! Let the record show that on this day, this administration’s littlest aide, has introduced a bill which will, with my boyfriend’s money, and frankly my boyfriend’s threats, be pushed through Congress and the Senate quickly, this bill called the Animal Rights Act of 2010 says that as long as  animals display signs of intelligence that surpass their human counterparts:

Nola: Then animals shall be given the same rights to freedom as all persons. Animals will no longer be used as entertainment or as slaves. And if you do use said animals for entertainment or as slaves, let it be known that this administration will come after you with the full force of our rewritten powers. And we’re going to take back what is owed to the animals; they’re environment. And we isn’t gonna quit until that whole fucking environment belongs to them again. Thank you from Florida, goodnight.

Nola high fives Al Gore

Formerly accused Killer Whale high fives Nola with his tail and sends her flying across the room. Nola it’s the wall and slides down to the floor. She looks down at her phone

Nola talks to the press, leaves (almost) no question unanswered…

You’ll need to know (if, in fact you don’t already. Shameful)–

Jon Favreau: (not the director) actually, head scriptwriter  speechwriter for Obama.

Robert Gibbs: Press Secretary (follow him on twitter!)

(We find our sweet, pretty, young Nola, backstage at her first press conference.)

Robert Gibbs: And stop calling it a press conference. We call it a briefing. Conference portrays an image of togetherness. Briefing is what we’re doing. We talk, they listen, we leave.

Nola: (standing behind blue curtain, peeking out, watching the press take their seats) this is worse than the Oscars. Is it really pertinent to make sure everyone sits in their assigned seat?

Robert Gibbs: (looking up from his notes) huh, well I personally think it’s all a bunch of bullshit. But, real estate is real estate I guess.

Nola: I guess. Hey, Gibbs, can I call you Gibbles and Quips?

Robert Gibbs: No you may not.

Nola: Got it. Hey Gibbler?

Robert Gibbs: (annoyed) Yes Nola.

Nola: I have some ish-hues with this speech.

(Jon Favreau comes running in from-well- from nowhere quite frankly.)

Nola: Where in a fat girl’s belly button did you come from?

Jon Favreau: It’s not important. Don’t touch that speech Nola. It’s perfect. O signed off on it. I know how you like to get on your little Milk crate and lecture and rant and rave, but not today. Everything has been carefully loaded into the teleprompter. We are not going off script on this one.

Nola: The speech needed edits.

Jon: That speech is a dream.

Robert Gibbs: Hey! Hey! Gentleman (looks down at Nola confused)

Nola: Little woman is okay by me thank you.

Robert Gibbs: Gentleman and little woman. Some perspective. We are about to go out and tell the Press, and more importantly, the Republican attack machine-

(Nola and Jon start mimicking Rush Limbaugh’s fist pumping at the Miss America pageant.)

Robert Gibbs: Guys. Guys. Stop. I’m serious. We are about to go out there, you know, and tell them that an eight year old, who may or may not have ties to the KGB-

Nola: Oh I do, Gibbles, I do.

Robert Gibbs: (stares at her) Right, okay… that an eight year old, with ties to the KGB has the ear of the President.

(All of a sudden The Black Eyed Peas tonight’s gonna be a good night comes on- probably from Favreau’s IPod. Nola and Jon start fist pumping like crazy)

Robert Gibbs: I give up. (Pause) Weren’t you two fighting?

(Music stops)

(Sexy Intern walks in.)

Sexy Intern: Two minutes Mr. Secretary.

Nola: (To Gibbs) I’m (waving her hand in front of his face) bringing my Milk crate on. (Waves hand) Hello? Robert? What is wrong with you?

Jon: He still isn’t used to all the sexy females around here.

(Nola kicks Gibbs in the groin)

Nola: Hey Jerk. Mary Catherine Gibbs is a smart broad. Don’t fuck it up on some skanky coquette with connections. Intern- put your shirt back on. Jon- here are the edits to the speech. Let’s do this!

(Nola and Jon push Gibbs out on stage. They peek through the curtain to see what is going on)

Nola: (to Jon) oh for the love of Turkish bathes, I told him not to do the Ann Curry joke. It isn’t funny, and nobody is going to get it. It’s like the time that little spelling bee kid tried to do a Napoleon Dynamite joke. Wrong audience. What a schmuck.

Let us cut to the Briefing:

The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release                                                                                                                                March 10, 2010

Briefing by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs and Special Advisor to the President Nola Shumway.

James S Brady Press Briefing Room

934 EST

Robert Gibbs: Good morning, good morning, everybody in the news this morning, good morning. Today, in response to an overwhelming abundance of gossip and hearsay, the administration has decided to make available for the Press and public, a close adviser to the president, Nola Shumway. She will give a short statement and take no questions. She is unfortunately due at another engagement at 1000 am. Thank you. Without further delay, I give you Nola Shumway.

[Nola Shumway walks out from behind the blue curtain. She passes the podium. She sets down a Milk crate, labeled ‘In Memory of Harvey’, steps onto Milk crate and begins to speak.]

Let us cut to the oval office, where O, Jon and a few cabinet members have joined to watch Nola on the feed:

Obama: (inhaling) I think she’s going rogue.

Jon: No, she’s going to do the speech.

Hillary: After what that little slut said about me and Bill? I hope they crucify her.

Obama: (laughing) Nola would enjoy that. Ever since she got back from the New Testament she can’t stop talking about the kinky crucifixion role play she wants to do with Vladimir.

Jon: Eww. That’s like talking about my little sister.

Obama: (laughing) hey, Hill, you wanna hit this?

Hillary: Actually, yes. Fucking bill. You know, Nola was right though. It is burgers or bitches with him. It’s like, if he’s not shoving a burger in his mouth he’s shoving his cock down some slut’s throat.

(O and Jon laughing hysterically.)

Jon: You wanna piss him off? I’ve wanted to fuck you since I was twelve.

Let us cut to The Briefing Room-

[Nola steps on a Milk crate labeled ‘In Memory of Harvey’ and looks down at the speech Jon Favreau prepared]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nola: You know what, this statement is retarded. I’m going to go ahead and take some questions.

[Gibbs faints.]

Let us cut back to the Oval office.

Obama: (choking on smoke) Oh Jesus, she’s rogue!

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Okay wait! Hold on. Let me get my seating chart.

 [Nola jumps up onto the podium, sits on it, swinging her legs over the front. She begins.]

Nola: Okay. Let us open the floor for questions. Helen?

Helen: Well, Nola. May I call you that, Nola?

Nola: You my dear may even call me late to din din.

[Chuckles in the room]

Helen: Well Nola, I must say I speak for this entire room when I say we’ve been anxiously waiting for when the time would come when we were finally given access to you. We’ve heard quite a bit about you. What I want to know is… is it true? Do you indeed have the ear of the President?

Nola: [reaches into her pocket and pulls out a brown plastic ear] I do indeed.

[Chuckles in the room]

Nola: Jake.

Jake: Hi Nola, Jake Tapper, ABC –

Nola: – I know who you are. I follow you on Twitter.

Jake: Wow. Thanks.

Nola: You aren’t funny. A dry liquor cabinet at your inlaws’ house when you’re staying the weekend is funnier than you. An HIV-infected child prostitute is funnier than you.

Jake: Ouch. Okay. Well speaking of HIV.

[Nola laughs]

Nola: See, HIV is funnier than you.

Jake: My sources tell me you were recently heard making disparaging remarks to an assistant at the HopeforHaitiNow benefit in regards to HIV positive adults.

Nola: Yes.

Jake: My source says you also told the assistant; I quote “you can throw my gift bag Haitian baby in the dumpster.’

Nola: I’m looking for a question. Does anybody see a question floating around here?

Jake: Well, my question… I suppose… is…

Nola: Yessss……

Jake: Do these statements reflect your true nature?

Nola: They do. (Looks down at her chart.) Jesus on a Leash, lemme just get this one out the way. Wendell.

[Wendell stands up begins to speak]

Nola: We know, we know. Fox News, row 2, seat 4. Nobody cares. Go.

Wendell: Are you a Socialist?

Nola: I enjoy a good cocktail party now and then.

Wendell: Are you a Communist sympathizer?

Nola: Well, if you’re referring to the time I accompanied Kim Jong Il to the opening of Ballet of the Fat in Moscow, then I must admit I am. In my defense, the poor thing’s date backed out at the very last moment. Its bad manners to leave a friend in a church, isn’t it?

Wendell: You mean ‘lurch.’

Nola: Oh no, I’m quite certain I mean church thank you. Sheryl.

Sheryl: Can you comment on the nature of your relationship with Prime evil, pardon, Minister Vladimir Putin?

Nola: Sexual.

[The room collectively gasps]

Nola: I kid! I kid! Geesh. We also hang out together. We really like to walk together around his duck pond. But mostly we really like Fu-

Let us cut to the Oval Office:

(Obama, who has passed out, is being fanned. Favreau is hiding all of the drugs and Hillary is laughing so hard she has just pee’d in her pants.)

Let us cut to FOXNEWS breaking news ticker:

PRESDENT’S EIGHT YEAR OLD AID ADMITS PURLY S XUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH PRIM MINSTER VLADIMIR PEWTIN

Let us cut to a mobile home in Mobile, Alabama:

Wom’n: See, I knew it. That Obama is selling that sex trade to the Rushins just like Rush talked bout.

Man: An that money is goin straight to pay fer his birf certificate doctrin.

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Okay. Okay. Settle down. Please. We need to stay on track. I really do have a ten o’clock.  Alright. Any-many-miny-Oh! (Looks down at seating chart, her finger placed on) Jennifer-

Jennifer: (crazy woman who talks to Nola like a baby) Hi! Hi! Hewoh! Can you tell us your… favorite…color?

Nola: Light skinned Negro. (Pause) of all of those fat fingers that you’re waving at me, can you tell me which your favorite was?

[Confusion on Jennifer’s face. Nola snaps her fingers at two huge, scary, white Russians who come and remove Jennifer from the room]

Nola: (screaming) DOES ANYWODY ELSE HAVE ANY QWESTIONS FOR WA LIL GIRL?

[Silence]

Nola: Good. Chip.

Chip Reid: Word in Washington is that you and the President differed on his idea to extend a safe haven for Haitian illegals in the US after the earthquake. Is this true?

Nola: True.

Chip Reid: Can you speak as to why you disagree with his policy?

Nola: I’ll only say to my Mexican friends who unlike their Haitian rivals, don’t come here with Machetes and bad music to rape and pillage the country: Ruegue para la lluvia, mis amigos, ruegue para much alluvia de mierda. (pause) Ed.

Ed Henry: I’m holding here a chart that was obtained by sources close to the RNC.

Nola: A Leak.

Ed: Um, (red faced) well, I can assure you I have no knowledge of-

Nola: (kicks Gibbs, wakes him) Gibbler, there’s a leak. (Pointing to ceiling) it seems like water. You should go check it out. Okay, Ed. Go ahead.

Ed: Oh, okay. So, this is a chart that seems to be signed by you.

Nola: Excellent journalistic work, Ed. Get to the pointed question.

Ed: is this a joke?

Nola: It is not. It is a clear and simple approach to Health Care Reform.

Ed: (laughing) But you can’t, seriously, think that a ‘Conservative Plan’ that leaves out preventative medicine because they ‘pray to God for that’ will be taken seriously.

Nola: Well, as you know, I spent a great deal of time in the New Testament chasing down Jesus. What I learned is that people, who believe in God, believe that God has a plan.  If God plans on you developing colon cancer than it’s against God’s plans to go in for a screening. I’m just abiding by the beliefs of god fearing people. (Pause) Yes, Mike.

Mike: Yes, Mike, from Time. I’ve done my research and it’s pretty interesting. You’ve had your little hands in everything from Prop 8 to gangs, even the banking crisis. That is quite a schedule for a little girl.

Nola: yes, well I have to keep busy. Can’t let this girlish figure get fat. Vladdy doesn’t do fat.

Mike: Well, I appreciate the transparency. You’ve been honest and answered every question directly. I think I speak for the entire press corps when I say it’s a refreshing change.

[Every (cough) journalist, save for one in the back, gets up and applauds]

Let us cut to the Oval Office:

Obama: (smiling) My Sweet Pretty Young Nola. I’m amazed. They love her.

Fav: (sad) she didn’t even say one of my words.

Hillary: (stunned) I think they’re mesmerized by her nipples. How is she getting away with not wearing a shirt?

Fav: Strategically placed suspenders.

Hillary: Is that allowed?

Obama: She’s been working with Christian from Project Runway. It’s art.

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Oh, please sit.

[Gibbs pokes his head out from behind the blue curtain and signals for her to wrap it up]

Nola: Okay. Okay. Please stop. I know you love me. Geesh, I didn’t think we would have to break out the drool buckets. (Laughing) Okay. I have to skedaddle. I’ve a very important case starting in a few days. It’s a whale of a tale this one. That’s all, that’s all. Tata.

[From the shadow in the back of the room the lone seated journalist stands and yells one final question for our sweet little Nola]

Journalist: Ms. Shumway, What have to say about your years spent as an operative for the Republican Party?

[Fav’s IPod skips just as Gibbs dives from behind the blue curtain. Gibbs pulls Nola out and the live feed goes dark]

Nola’s Health Care Reform chart…

Early this morning at the Oval office:

Nola and O sit together in the Oval office. She is irritated that her Press conference-

Robert Gibbs: It’s a briefing Nola.
Nola: Shut up Gibbs, let the writer, ugh, write.

As I was writing… Nola and O sit together in the Oval Office. Nola is irritated that her Press Briefing has been put off for the Health Care Summit.

Nola: O, will you at least present it?
Obama: Nola, it isn’t an option.
Nola: You’re right. There are three. Come on… Will you at least look at it?

He does:

<

Obama: Absolutely not.
Nola: But O!
Obama: Nola! Study with Gibbs, you need to be ready tomorrow.
Nola: Fine. (slowly gets up and walks sloooooowwwwwllllllyyyyy across the room)

Nola answers a call… talks to a Fugee.

Our sweet, pretty, young Nola was (very) recently asked to attend the HopeForHaitiNow telethon in Los Angeles. After laughing at Obama for five minutes:

Nola: You’re kidding. They’re calling it Hope for Haiti. No. Come on. (Rolling around on the floor in the oval office) Stop. (Pounding the ground with her hand) Stop! You’re kidding me. Uh. Hahahahahahaahahha. Hahahaahhahhaha.

Obama: Nola, I’m quite serious. Now look, I have a few requests.

Nola: (gets up, tears rolling down her cheeks) Hahaha. Okay. I’m good. I’m done. Ha. Wait. hahaha. No, I’m not. Hahahaahhaaha. Hope for Haiti. What’s next? Optimism in Africa.

Obama: Nola.

Nola: I’m going… I’m going…
… Nola was on her way.

Cut to the telethon headquarters:

A frazzled assistant carrying a clipboard greets Nola in the celebrity holding tank, or, a bar.

Assistant: Hi, umm…. (looking down at clipboard) Nola? Is that how you say it?

Nola: No ma’am. I would say it a little less like you’re talking to a subordinate and a little more like you’re talking to royalty.

Assistant: Uh… huh. Great. Alright, here’s the seating arrangement for taking calls. We rotate celebrities in and out every fifteen minutes.

Nola: (winks) Oh, gotcha. yeah wouldn’t want any awkward run ins between exes.

Assistant: (smiling) Right. So I have a few questions, just to figure out where to put you in this rotation.
Have you ever slept with Drew Carey?

Nola: Hahahahahahahaha.

Assistant: Um, yeah, just kidding. But, seriously, have you ever slept with Steven Spielberg?
Nola: Jew? No.

Assistant: Samuel Jackson?

Nola: That motherfuckas here? Let me get at him. Where he at? (to assistant) You know I worked with his cousin Jules on the Prop 8 campaign.

Assistant: But have you slept with him?

Nola: No. Almost, but no.

Assistant: Ben Stiller?

Nola: I don’t sleep with angry little men.

Assistant: Eric Dane?

Nola: Eh, I’m not into Herpes.

Assistant: Justin Timberlake?

Nola: Or syphilis.

Assistant: Keith urban?

Nola: Is that the drunken Aussie with the flat ironed hair over hair?

Assistant: Yes.

Nola: No. Never. Hey, Is that little bitch Kanye West here?

Assistant: No, Kanye doesn’t care about really black people.

Nola: Good. I wouldn’t want him to come face to face with me. That little jackass was very mean to my Swifty. Okay, I’m bored of you. Who do I get my gift bag from?

Assistant: Gift bag?

Nola: Yeah. And, um, I know this year’s celebrity must have is a Haitian baby, but just pull mine out and toss it in a dumpster. I don’t want that baby shitting on my new Diorettes. (pause) They are giving us the new Diorettes, right?

Assistant: No! No gift bags! And I’m not throwing your gift bag baby in a dumpster. (she composes herself) You get two guaranteed close ups and we air one of your best phone calls.

Nola: Will there be bottle service?

Assistant: Yes, but only during times when we’ve cut away from the studio to show footage of Haiti.

Nola: Alright, I can handle this for a bit. Can you get me a White Russian?

Assistant: Um, now. Wait. You’re eight.

Nola: (skipping off to her seat) I kid. I kid. (winks) Besides, I already have one.

Nola sits down next to Jennifer Aniston. After a few minutes of pleasantries, a few lines of coke and one intense make out situation, Nola takes her first call…

Nola: Nola Shumway here. Are you going to donate a lot of money or just a little bit of money?

Assistant comes running over and hangs up phone.

Assistant: You can’t do that Nola. We don’t want to make them feel bad about not giving a lot of money.

Nola: It’s only implied. I’m a skilled diplomat, let me do my job you crazy cracker.

Assistant throws up her hands, pops a Xanax and leaves. Nola puts her head down next to her phone and waits for a call.

Nola: ZzZzZ
Phone: Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring.
Nola: ZzZzz
Phone: Ring ring Ring Ring Ring.

Jennifer: (leans over and grabs Nola’s phone) Hello. Hi. Yeah, no, she’s right here. (elbows Nola)

Nola jumps up on the desk and screams like a little girl. She starts crying.

Jennifer: oh, Nola. Sweetie, wake up, you were just having a nightmare. Here, Vlad is on the phone. He wants to talk to you.

Nola: Vladdy! (grabs the phone) Vladdy. Yes, Да, младенец, I’ll получает вам автограф. Да, I’ll дает ему ваш сценарий. Я тебя люблю слишком младенец.

Hangs up phone.

Nola: (to Jen) I’m dying of boredom. Where can I get a seat filler?

Jen: Oh, sweetie, you have to wait until someone rotates you out.

Nola: (eyes wide) Jen! Don’t turn around. I think radbay is taking the tagesay. Awkward. (stands on the desk and screams) Help! Help!

Assistant: (panicked) What happened? Are you okay?

Nola: Yes. I was calling for the help. I’m ready to rotate out.

Assistant: (throws clipboard) Fine! You know what? I don’t care! I don’t care about Haiti, I don’t care about celebrities, I don’t care that I’m not going to get a chance to make out with Robert Pattinson at the after party.

Nola: Oh, sweetie, that wasn’t ever going to happen. You’re a five… tops.

Assistant: I don’t need this! I was in Africa for three years, but I have never seen anything like this!

Nola: (confused) Electricity? (pause) Bottled water? A room full of HIV-free adults?

Magic Johnson rotates in.

Nola: Scratch that last one. Look, plain Jane… May I call you plain Jane? You have to understand, we’re all busy important people here. Okay. And we’re pretty. I get that the Haitian children are suffering and all that, but we’re suffering too. Okay. Look, I’ll be nice. I’ll stay for another fifteen minutes okay. You take this (Nola hands assistant a date rape pill) and put in Robert’s water bottle. You two go relax in the green room okay. I’ve got this.

Nola takes a seat next to Drew Carey.

Nola: (staring at Drew) Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Drew: Oh, well, hello little girl. Who are you? You’re cute.

Nola: Hahahahahahahahaha.

Drew: (puzzled) Okay. Well, I’m going to get back to the phones.

Nola: (watching Drew) Hahahahaha. Hahaha. Hahahaahahaha.

Drew: (answers phone) Well hello there. I’m Drew carey, and who do I have the pleasure of speaking to? (pause) Yes. Drew. Carey. C-A-R-E-Y. No I wasn’t that guy on Saturday Night Live who died. (forces smile for his close up) Nope, wasn’t in the Great Outdoors. Yes I did love that movie. Hello? Hello?

Nola: Hahahaha. They hung up on you? Hahahaahaha. Let me guess, they wanted to talk to Robert Pattinson.

Drew: No, Leonardo Dicrapio.

Nola: Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha.

All of sudden the lights are turned down and all attention is to the stage. Beyonce saunters out and begins a song.

Nola: (singing, quite loudly) All the single Haitis! All the single Haitis. All the single Haitis.

Drew: Nola! (chuckling) Quiet.

Beyonce: Everywhere I’m looking now I’m surrounded by your embrace. Haiti I can see your halo,

Record skips. Nola jumps up and rushes Beyonce.

Nola: B! B! Stop. Haiti’s Halo? That’s a dust cloud… from debris. (Grabs the mic.) You are fired. Now, I must ask you to collect your things and leave the building.

Wyclef walks by

Nola: Refugee!!! Hey, come here. (snapping her fingers) Come here. I have an idea for you.

Wyclef: I don’t even know you.

Nola: Yeah, if it weren’t for this telethon, I wouldn’t know you either. But I heard you were the guy who got famous after doing a cover of a song. Right? Well… you need a comeback, right?

Wyclef: Um, I guess.

Nola: Let’s cut the shit Clef, on January twelfth, you lost your fan base. So look, here’s the angle. You need a song. A beautiful catchy song that connects people to the tragedy. Remember how Katrina telethon had that Hallelujah song. And now when people hear that song it reminds them of….

Cut To Justin Timberlake

Justin: Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. I heard that ….

Nola: Okay, well for awhile they heard that song and thought of New Orleans. Anyway, You take a cool eighties song and cover it. I’m thinking ‘We Built This City’ but you change it up a little to ‘We Built This Shitty.’

Wyclef: You’re joking.

Nola: No sir, I never joke. I am always one hundred percent serious in the wake of tragedy. And since I was born on Skid Row to two junkies, I guess you could say I’ve been serious my whole life.

Wyclef: Whoa, okay, chill out little white devil, you’re killing my high.

Nola: Okay, so the next thing you need to do is ride the coattails of a catchy campaign. A perfect fit for us would be NOH8. We’ll add a TI to the tape and start filming celebrity endorsements.

Wyclef: Why would we want NOH8TI?

Nola: You’re a refugee. Use your noggin. I’m not allowed to say this on your record, but I can tell you that the Obama administration wants to make it clear that if the rebuilding of Haiti did not happen and refugees were forced to move on, we would gladly accept them here in the good ol’ for now United States of the white Americas. You’ve seen how Americans open their hearts in the midst of tragedy. We think this will go over well with the populists.

Wyclef: Child. Are you crazy? I don’t want no crazy machete waving Haitians running up on my house. I’m gonna help em, but I’m gonna help em over there. Know what I’m saying.

Cut to stunned camera man who just caught that whole exchange on live television..

Camera man: ughhhhhhh……

Nola’s phone rings.

Nola: Hi, O. You saw? Yeah, it was perfect. The administration’s policy on refugees is clear. It’s also clear that a former refugee wants no part of it. Right. I’m on my way back; just have to stop at an after party. Yes. I’ll behave. Ish. Press conference? Absolutely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to brief at the White House. Ciao.