Tag Archives: Nola

Nola talks to the press, leaves (almost) no question unanswered…

You’ll need to know (if, in fact you don’t already. Shameful)–

Jon Favreau: (not the director) actually, head scriptwriter  speechwriter for Obama.

Robert Gibbs: Press Secretary (follow him on twitter!)

(We find our sweet, pretty, young Nola, backstage at her first press conference.)

Robert Gibbs: And stop calling it a press conference. We call it a briefing. Conference portrays an image of togetherness. Briefing is what we’re doing. We talk, they listen, we leave.

Nola: (standing behind blue curtain, peeking out, watching the press take their seats) this is worse than the Oscars. Is it really pertinent to make sure everyone sits in their assigned seat?

Robert Gibbs: (looking up from his notes) huh, well I personally think it’s all a bunch of bullshit. But, real estate is real estate I guess.

Nola: I guess. Hey, Gibbs, can I call you Gibbles and Quips?

Robert Gibbs: No you may not.

Nola: Got it. Hey Gibbler?

Robert Gibbs: (annoyed) Yes Nola.

Nola: I have some ish-hues with this speech.

(Jon Favreau comes running in from-well- from nowhere quite frankly.)

Nola: Where in a fat girl’s belly button did you come from?

Jon Favreau: It’s not important. Don’t touch that speech Nola. It’s perfect. O signed off on it. I know how you like to get on your little Milk crate and lecture and rant and rave, but not today. Everything has been carefully loaded into the teleprompter. We are not going off script on this one.

Nola: The speech needed edits.

Jon: That speech is a dream.

Robert Gibbs: Hey! Hey! Gentleman (looks down at Nola confused)

Nola: Little woman is okay by me thank you.

Robert Gibbs: Gentleman and little woman. Some perspective. We are about to go out and tell the Press, and more importantly, the Republican attack machine-

(Nola and Jon start mimicking Rush Limbaugh’s fist pumping at the Miss America pageant.)

Robert Gibbs: Guys. Guys. Stop. I’m serious. We are about to go out there, you know, and tell them that an eight year old, who may or may not have ties to the KGB-

Nola: Oh I do, Gibbles, I do.

Robert Gibbs: (stares at her) Right, okay… that an eight year old, with ties to the KGB has the ear of the President.

(All of a sudden The Black Eyed Peas tonight’s gonna be a good night comes on- probably from Favreau’s IPod. Nola and Jon start fist pumping like crazy)

Robert Gibbs: I give up. (Pause) Weren’t you two fighting?

(Music stops)

(Sexy Intern walks in.)

Sexy Intern: Two minutes Mr. Secretary.

Nola: (To Gibbs) I’m (waving her hand in front of his face) bringing my Milk crate on. (Waves hand) Hello? Robert? What is wrong with you?

Jon: He still isn’t used to all the sexy females around here.

(Nola kicks Gibbs in the groin)

Nola: Hey Jerk. Mary Catherine Gibbs is a smart broad. Don’t fuck it up on some skanky coquette with connections. Intern- put your shirt back on. Jon- here are the edits to the speech. Let’s do this!

(Nola and Jon push Gibbs out on stage. They peek through the curtain to see what is going on)

Nola: (to Jon) oh for the love of Turkish bathes, I told him not to do the Ann Curry joke. It isn’t funny, and nobody is going to get it. It’s like the time that little spelling bee kid tried to do a Napoleon Dynamite joke. Wrong audience. What a schmuck.

Let us cut to the Briefing:

The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release                                                                                                                                March 10, 2010

Briefing by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs and Special Advisor to the President Nola Shumway.

James S Brady Press Briefing Room

934 EST

Robert Gibbs: Good morning, good morning, everybody in the news this morning, good morning. Today, in response to an overwhelming abundance of gossip and hearsay, the administration has decided to make available for the Press and public, a close adviser to the president, Nola Shumway. She will give a short statement and take no questions. She is unfortunately due at another engagement at 1000 am. Thank you. Without further delay, I give you Nola Shumway.

[Nola Shumway walks out from behind the blue curtain. She passes the podium. She sets down a Milk crate, labeled ‘In Memory of Harvey’, steps onto Milk crate and begins to speak.]

Let us cut to the oval office, where O, Jon and a few cabinet members have joined to watch Nola on the feed:

Obama: (inhaling) I think she’s going rogue.

Jon: No, she’s going to do the speech.

Hillary: After what that little slut said about me and Bill? I hope they crucify her.

Obama: (laughing) Nola would enjoy that. Ever since she got back from the New Testament she can’t stop talking about the kinky crucifixion role play she wants to do with Vladimir.

Jon: Eww. That’s like talking about my little sister.

Obama: (laughing) hey, Hill, you wanna hit this?

Hillary: Actually, yes. Fucking bill. You know, Nola was right though. It is burgers or bitches with him. It’s like, if he’s not shoving a burger in his mouth he’s shoving his cock down some slut’s throat.

(O and Jon laughing hysterically.)

Jon: You wanna piss him off? I’ve wanted to fuck you since I was twelve.

Let us cut to The Briefing Room-

[Nola steps on a Milk crate labeled ‘In Memory of Harvey’ and looks down at the speech Jon Favreau prepared]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nola: You know what, this statement is retarded. I’m going to go ahead and take some questions.

[Gibbs faints.]

Let us cut back to the Oval office.

Obama: (choking on smoke) Oh Jesus, she’s rogue!

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Okay wait! Hold on. Let me get my seating chart.

 [Nola jumps up onto the podium, sits on it, swinging her legs over the front. She begins.]

Nola: Okay. Let us open the floor for questions. Helen?

Helen: Well, Nola. May I call you that, Nola?

Nola: You my dear may even call me late to din din.

[Chuckles in the room]

Helen: Well Nola, I must say I speak for this entire room when I say we’ve been anxiously waiting for when the time would come when we were finally given access to you. We’ve heard quite a bit about you. What I want to know is… is it true? Do you indeed have the ear of the President?

Nola: [reaches into her pocket and pulls out a brown plastic ear] I do indeed.

[Chuckles in the room]

Nola: Jake.

Jake: Hi Nola, Jake Tapper, ABC –

Nola: – I know who you are. I follow you on Twitter.

Jake: Wow. Thanks.

Nola: You aren’t funny. A dry liquor cabinet at your inlaws’ house when you’re staying the weekend is funnier than you. An HIV-infected child prostitute is funnier than you.

Jake: Ouch. Okay. Well speaking of HIV.

[Nola laughs]

Nola: See, HIV is funnier than you.

Jake: My sources tell me you were recently heard making disparaging remarks to an assistant at the HopeforHaitiNow benefit in regards to HIV positive adults.

Nola: Yes.

Jake: My source says you also told the assistant; I quote “you can throw my gift bag Haitian baby in the dumpster.’

Nola: I’m looking for a question. Does anybody see a question floating around here?

Jake: Well, my question… I suppose… is…

Nola: Yessss……

Jake: Do these statements reflect your true nature?

Nola: They do. (Looks down at her chart.) Jesus on a Leash, lemme just get this one out the way. Wendell.

[Wendell stands up begins to speak]

Nola: We know, we know. Fox News, row 2, seat 4. Nobody cares. Go.

Wendell: Are you a Socialist?

Nola: I enjoy a good cocktail party now and then.

Wendell: Are you a Communist sympathizer?

Nola: Well, if you’re referring to the time I accompanied Kim Jong Il to the opening of Ballet of the Fat in Moscow, then I must admit I am. In my defense, the poor thing’s date backed out at the very last moment. Its bad manners to leave a friend in a church, isn’t it?

Wendell: You mean ‘lurch.’

Nola: Oh no, I’m quite certain I mean church thank you. Sheryl.

Sheryl: Can you comment on the nature of your relationship with Prime evil, pardon, Minister Vladimir Putin?

Nola: Sexual.

[The room collectively gasps]

Nola: I kid! I kid! Geesh. We also hang out together. We really like to walk together around his duck pond. But mostly we really like Fu-

Let us cut to the Oval Office:

(Obama, who has passed out, is being fanned. Favreau is hiding all of the drugs and Hillary is laughing so hard she has just pee’d in her pants.)

Let us cut to FOXNEWS breaking news ticker:

PRESDENT’S EIGHT YEAR OLD AID ADMITS PURLY S XUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH PRIM MINSTER VLADIMIR PEWTIN

Let us cut to a mobile home in Mobile, Alabama:

Wom’n: See, I knew it. That Obama is selling that sex trade to the Rushins just like Rush talked bout.

Man: An that money is goin straight to pay fer his birf certificate doctrin.

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Okay. Okay. Settle down. Please. We need to stay on track. I really do have a ten o’clock.  Alright. Any-many-miny-Oh! (Looks down at seating chart, her finger placed on) Jennifer-

Jennifer: (crazy woman who talks to Nola like a baby) Hi! Hi! Hewoh! Can you tell us your… favorite…color?

Nola: Light skinned Negro. (Pause) of all of those fat fingers that you’re waving at me, can you tell me which your favorite was?

[Confusion on Jennifer’s face. Nola snaps her fingers at two huge, scary, white Russians who come and remove Jennifer from the room]

Nola: (screaming) DOES ANYWODY ELSE HAVE ANY QWESTIONS FOR WA LIL GIRL?

[Silence]

Nola: Good. Chip.

Chip Reid: Word in Washington is that you and the President differed on his idea to extend a safe haven for Haitian illegals in the US after the earthquake. Is this true?

Nola: True.

Chip Reid: Can you speak as to why you disagree with his policy?

Nola: I’ll only say to my Mexican friends who unlike their Haitian rivals, don’t come here with Machetes and bad music to rape and pillage the country: Ruegue para la lluvia, mis amigos, ruegue para much alluvia de mierda. (pause) Ed.

Ed Henry: I’m holding here a chart that was obtained by sources close to the RNC.

Nola: A Leak.

Ed: Um, (red faced) well, I can assure you I have no knowledge of-

Nola: (kicks Gibbs, wakes him) Gibbler, there’s a leak. (Pointing to ceiling) it seems like water. You should go check it out. Okay, Ed. Go ahead.

Ed: Oh, okay. So, this is a chart that seems to be signed by you.

Nola: Excellent journalistic work, Ed. Get to the pointed question.

Ed: is this a joke?

Nola: It is not. It is a clear and simple approach to Health Care Reform.

Ed: (laughing) But you can’t, seriously, think that a ‘Conservative Plan’ that leaves out preventative medicine because they ‘pray to God for that’ will be taken seriously.

Nola: Well, as you know, I spent a great deal of time in the New Testament chasing down Jesus. What I learned is that people, who believe in God, believe that God has a plan.  If God plans on you developing colon cancer than it’s against God’s plans to go in for a screening. I’m just abiding by the beliefs of god fearing people. (Pause) Yes, Mike.

Mike: Yes, Mike, from Time. I’ve done my research and it’s pretty interesting. You’ve had your little hands in everything from Prop 8 to gangs, even the banking crisis. That is quite a schedule for a little girl.

Nola: yes, well I have to keep busy. Can’t let this girlish figure get fat. Vladdy doesn’t do fat.

Mike: Well, I appreciate the transparency. You’ve been honest and answered every question directly. I think I speak for the entire press corps when I say it’s a refreshing change.

[Every (cough) journalist, save for one in the back, gets up and applauds]

Let us cut to the Oval Office:

Obama: (smiling) My Sweet Pretty Young Nola. I’m amazed. They love her.

Fav: (sad) she didn’t even say one of my words.

Hillary: (stunned) I think they’re mesmerized by her nipples. How is she getting away with not wearing a shirt?

Fav: Strategically placed suspenders.

Hillary: Is that allowed?

Obama: She’s been working with Christian from Project Runway. It’s art.

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Oh, please sit.

[Gibbs pokes his head out from behind the blue curtain and signals for her to wrap it up]

Nola: Okay. Okay. Please stop. I know you love me. Geesh, I didn’t think we would have to break out the drool buckets. (Laughing) Okay. I have to skedaddle. I’ve a very important case starting in a few days. It’s a whale of a tale this one. That’s all, that’s all. Tata.

[From the shadow in the back of the room the lone seated journalist stands and yells one final question for our sweet little Nola]

Journalist: Ms. Shumway, What have to say about your years spent as an operative for the Republican Party?

[Fav’s IPod skips just as Gibbs dives from behind the blue curtain. Gibbs pulls Nola out and the live feed goes dark]

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Nola’s Health Care Reform chart…

Early this morning at the Oval office:

Nola and O sit together in the Oval office. She is irritated that her Press conference-

Robert Gibbs: It’s a briefing Nola.
Nola: Shut up Gibbs, let the writer, ugh, write.

As I was writing… Nola and O sit together in the Oval Office. Nola is irritated that her Press Briefing has been put off for the Health Care Summit.

Nola: O, will you at least present it?
Obama: Nola, it isn’t an option.
Nola: You’re right. There are three. Come on… Will you at least look at it?

He does:

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Obama: Absolutely not.
Nola: But O!
Obama: Nola! Study with Gibbs, you need to be ready tomorrow.
Nola: Fine. (slowly gets up and walks sloooooowwwwwllllllyyyyy across the room)

Nola answers a call… talks to a Fugee.

Our sweet, pretty, young Nola was (very) recently asked to attend the HopeForHaitiNow telethon in Los Angeles. After laughing at Obama for five minutes:

Nola: You’re kidding. They’re calling it Hope for Haiti. No. Come on. (Rolling around on the floor in the oval office) Stop. (Pounding the ground with her hand) Stop! You’re kidding me. Uh. Hahahahahahaahahha. Hahahaahhahhaha.

Obama: Nola, I’m quite serious. Now look, I have a few requests.

Nola: (gets up, tears rolling down her cheeks) Hahaha. Okay. I’m good. I’m done. Ha. Wait. hahaha. No, I’m not. Hahahaahhaaha. Hope for Haiti. What’s next? Optimism in Africa.

Obama: Nola.

Nola: I’m going… I’m going…
… Nola was on her way.

Cut to the telethon headquarters:

A frazzled assistant carrying a clipboard greets Nola in the celebrity holding tank, or, a bar.

Assistant: Hi, umm…. (looking down at clipboard) Nola? Is that how you say it?

Nola: No ma’am. I would say it a little less like you’re talking to a subordinate and a little more like you’re talking to royalty.

Assistant: Uh… huh. Great. Alright, here’s the seating arrangement for taking calls. We rotate celebrities in and out every fifteen minutes.

Nola: (winks) Oh, gotcha. yeah wouldn’t want any awkward run ins between exes.

Assistant: (smiling) Right. So I have a few questions, just to figure out where to put you in this rotation.
Have you ever slept with Drew Carey?

Nola: Hahahahahahahaha.

Assistant: Um, yeah, just kidding. But, seriously, have you ever slept with Steven Spielberg?
Nola: Jew? No.

Assistant: Samuel Jackson?

Nola: That motherfuckas here? Let me get at him. Where he at? (to assistant) You know I worked with his cousin Jules on the Prop 8 campaign.

Assistant: But have you slept with him?

Nola: No. Almost, but no.

Assistant: Ben Stiller?

Nola: I don’t sleep with angry little men.

Assistant: Eric Dane?

Nola: Eh, I’m not into Herpes.

Assistant: Justin Timberlake?

Nola: Or syphilis.

Assistant: Keith urban?

Nola: Is that the drunken Aussie with the flat ironed hair over hair?

Assistant: Yes.

Nola: No. Never. Hey, Is that little bitch Kanye West here?

Assistant: No, Kanye doesn’t care about really black people.

Nola: Good. I wouldn’t want him to come face to face with me. That little jackass was very mean to my Swifty. Okay, I’m bored of you. Who do I get my gift bag from?

Assistant: Gift bag?

Nola: Yeah. And, um, I know this year’s celebrity must have is a Haitian baby, but just pull mine out and toss it in a dumpster. I don’t want that baby shitting on my new Diorettes. (pause) They are giving us the new Diorettes, right?

Assistant: No! No gift bags! And I’m not throwing your gift bag baby in a dumpster. (she composes herself) You get two guaranteed close ups and we air one of your best phone calls.

Nola: Will there be bottle service?

Assistant: Yes, but only during times when we’ve cut away from the studio to show footage of Haiti.

Nola: Alright, I can handle this for a bit. Can you get me a White Russian?

Assistant: Um, now. Wait. You’re eight.

Nola: (skipping off to her seat) I kid. I kid. (winks) Besides, I already have one.

Nola sits down next to Jennifer Aniston. After a few minutes of pleasantries, a few lines of coke and one intense make out situation, Nola takes her first call…

Nola: Nola Shumway here. Are you going to donate a lot of money or just a little bit of money?

Assistant comes running over and hangs up phone.

Assistant: You can’t do that Nola. We don’t want to make them feel bad about not giving a lot of money.

Nola: It’s only implied. I’m a skilled diplomat, let me do my job you crazy cracker.

Assistant throws up her hands, pops a Xanax and leaves. Nola puts her head down next to her phone and waits for a call.

Nola: ZzZzZ
Phone: Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring.
Nola: ZzZzz
Phone: Ring ring Ring Ring Ring.

Jennifer: (leans over and grabs Nola’s phone) Hello. Hi. Yeah, no, she’s right here. (elbows Nola)

Nola jumps up on the desk and screams like a little girl. She starts crying.

Jennifer: oh, Nola. Sweetie, wake up, you were just having a nightmare. Here, Vlad is on the phone. He wants to talk to you.

Nola: Vladdy! (grabs the phone) Vladdy. Yes, Да, младенец, I’ll получает вам автограф. Да, I’ll дает ему ваш сценарий. Я тебя люблю слишком младенец.

Hangs up phone.

Nola: (to Jen) I’m dying of boredom. Where can I get a seat filler?

Jen: Oh, sweetie, you have to wait until someone rotates you out.

Nola: (eyes wide) Jen! Don’t turn around. I think radbay is taking the tagesay. Awkward. (stands on the desk and screams) Help! Help!

Assistant: (panicked) What happened? Are you okay?

Nola: Yes. I was calling for the help. I’m ready to rotate out.

Assistant: (throws clipboard) Fine! You know what? I don’t care! I don’t care about Haiti, I don’t care about celebrities, I don’t care that I’m not going to get a chance to make out with Robert Pattinson at the after party.

Nola: Oh, sweetie, that wasn’t ever going to happen. You’re a five… tops.

Assistant: I don’t need this! I was in Africa for three years, but I have never seen anything like this!

Nola: (confused) Electricity? (pause) Bottled water? A room full of HIV-free adults?

Magic Johnson rotates in.

Nola: Scratch that last one. Look, plain Jane… May I call you plain Jane? You have to understand, we’re all busy important people here. Okay. And we’re pretty. I get that the Haitian children are suffering and all that, but we’re suffering too. Okay. Look, I’ll be nice. I’ll stay for another fifteen minutes okay. You take this (Nola hands assistant a date rape pill) and put in Robert’s water bottle. You two go relax in the green room okay. I’ve got this.

Nola takes a seat next to Drew Carey.

Nola: (staring at Drew) Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Drew: Oh, well, hello little girl. Who are you? You’re cute.

Nola: Hahahahahahahahaha.

Drew: (puzzled) Okay. Well, I’m going to get back to the phones.

Nola: (watching Drew) Hahahahaha. Hahaha. Hahahaahahaha.

Drew: (answers phone) Well hello there. I’m Drew carey, and who do I have the pleasure of speaking to? (pause) Yes. Drew. Carey. C-A-R-E-Y. No I wasn’t that guy on Saturday Night Live who died. (forces smile for his close up) Nope, wasn’t in the Great Outdoors. Yes I did love that movie. Hello? Hello?

Nola: Hahahaha. They hung up on you? Hahahaahaha. Let me guess, they wanted to talk to Robert Pattinson.

Drew: No, Leonardo Dicrapio.

Nola: Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha.

All of sudden the lights are turned down and all attention is to the stage. Beyonce saunters out and begins a song.

Nola: (singing, quite loudly) All the single Haitis! All the single Haitis. All the single Haitis.

Drew: Nola! (chuckling) Quiet.

Beyonce: Everywhere I’m looking now I’m surrounded by your embrace. Haiti I can see your halo,

Record skips. Nola jumps up and rushes Beyonce.

Nola: B! B! Stop. Haiti’s Halo? That’s a dust cloud… from debris. (Grabs the mic.) You are fired. Now, I must ask you to collect your things and leave the building.

Wyclef walks by

Nola: Refugee!!! Hey, come here. (snapping her fingers) Come here. I have an idea for you.

Wyclef: I don’t even know you.

Nola: Yeah, if it weren’t for this telethon, I wouldn’t know you either. But I heard you were the guy who got famous after doing a cover of a song. Right? Well… you need a comeback, right?

Wyclef: Um, I guess.

Nola: Let’s cut the shit Clef, on January twelfth, you lost your fan base. So look, here’s the angle. You need a song. A beautiful catchy song that connects people to the tragedy. Remember how Katrina telethon had that Hallelujah song. And now when people hear that song it reminds them of….

Cut To Justin Timberlake

Justin: Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. I heard that ….

Nola: Okay, well for awhile they heard that song and thought of New Orleans. Anyway, You take a cool eighties song and cover it. I’m thinking ‘We Built This City’ but you change it up a little to ‘We Built This Shitty.’

Wyclef: You’re joking.

Nola: No sir, I never joke. I am always one hundred percent serious in the wake of tragedy. And since I was born on Skid Row to two junkies, I guess you could say I’ve been serious my whole life.

Wyclef: Whoa, okay, chill out little white devil, you’re killing my high.

Nola: Okay, so the next thing you need to do is ride the coattails of a catchy campaign. A perfect fit for us would be NOH8. We’ll add a TI to the tape and start filming celebrity endorsements.

Wyclef: Why would we want NOH8TI?

Nola: You’re a refugee. Use your noggin. I’m not allowed to say this on your record, but I can tell you that the Obama administration wants to make it clear that if the rebuilding of Haiti did not happen and refugees were forced to move on, we would gladly accept them here in the good ol’ for now United States of the white Americas. You’ve seen how Americans open their hearts in the midst of tragedy. We think this will go over well with the populists.

Wyclef: Child. Are you crazy? I don’t want no crazy machete waving Haitians running up on my house. I’m gonna help em, but I’m gonna help em over there. Know what I’m saying.

Cut to stunned camera man who just caught that whole exchange on live television..

Camera man: ughhhhhhh……

Nola’s phone rings.

Nola: Hi, O. You saw? Yeah, it was perfect. The administration’s policy on refugees is clear. It’s also clear that a former refugee wants no part of it. Right. I’m on my way back; just have to stop at an after party. Yes. I’ll behave. Ish. Press conference? Absolutely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to brief at the White House. Ciao.

Nola in the nude: A Testament To Mark

The Gospel According To
MARK

Nola: Okay bye. (Closes her bible and turns to find herself back at the same river she had passed earlier.) Oh no, not you again. (She runs off and grabs a man who looks to be a soldier walking near the river.) Excuse me! Excuse me. Hello, Nola Shumway here, friend to sinners, foe to saints. I’ve got a huge problem that I’m about to make your problem. You see that dastardly man over there? In the water? Shaggy looking fella? No, the other one. Yes. Well! Injustice of all injustices- speaking of injustices how hot is Sonia Sotomayor?
Soldier gives Nola a puzzled look-
Nola: Sorry, (pinches herself until she screams) stay on task Nola Shumway! Focus! (To soldier) That’s what my Vladdy says! HAHAhahah. (Starts to cry) Well, I miss him and I think he’s found another little girl to date. I saw him in a picture with this little twerp Svetlana. (Looks up at confused soldier) Sorry. Not the point. Point is, that man over there tried to drown me! Several times! I want you to arrest him immediately and chop off his head! Do it or else!
The soldier laughs and pats Nola on the head.
Suddenly music: The Russian National Anthem.
Nola: Oh great. Perfect. (Grabs IPHONE out of her pocket) Vladdy? Is that you? Yes, I’m a bit busy. But- Yes, I saw it. (Pause) Yes I want an explanation! How can you do this to me? Is it because I’m too old now? I can look younger you know. I have onesies. (Notices soldier staring switches to Russian with a perfect accent) Мне нужно вы сделать меня благосклонность, моя влюбленность.How do I say, Oh never mind. Darling? Prrrrr, darling Vladdy? Can you tell this stupid mean ol soldier to behead this dumb guy who tried to drown me?
(Soldier takes phone from Nola. As the voice on the other end begins to speak the soldier turns as white as Nola’s backside. What is said to the soldier is something the reader cannot and should not hear. Soldier gives phone back to Nola and runs toward the man wading in the water. He slices off his head and brings it to Nola.)
Nola: (looks down at bloody head) Gross. Vlad? I gotta go. I’m trying to find Jesus. Call Kim, he lonely.
Nola picks up bloody head and starts skipping back towards the mountain.

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Reverend Lowery: And now let us look at Mark 6 verse 14. John the Baptist is beheaded by Nola Shumway’s henchman at the request of her lover Vladimir Putin. (Reverend looks up to a wide-eyed congregation)
Nola: Psst. O? Bible talk. You got a second?
Obama: Nola! You killed John the Baptist?
Nola: No. I killed some creepy, crazy man who tried to drown me.
Obama: But Nola, King Herod was supposed to do that. What is King Herod going to do now?
Nola: Have dusty sex with a lot of young girls?
Obama: Nola, this is serious. Reverend Lowery is losing his mind. You’re rewriting the bible.
Nola: Relax O, everyone rewrites the bible.
Obama: Nola.
Nola: O, I’m doing my best but the bible is confusing. I’ve been reading some of this stuff and it’s crazy. I mean like Kim Jong Il crazy. Don’t tell him I said that okay, he’s sensitive.
Obama: I agree.
Nola: Hey, O, riddle me this: Why was this Jesus guy preaching about the end of times if he knew the end of times wouldn’t be for at least two thousand years. I mean, I don’t tell my grandma about the fact that I’m already sterile because of the Chlamydia I caught while I was doing that research in Slovakia. You know why? Because by the time I get around to having kids she won’t be alive. There isn’t any point in worrying her.
Obama: Nola.
Nola: So, I’m going to find this Jesus guy.
Obama: Nola.
Nola: And when I do he better pray there is a god. And he better hope it’s his daddy. Good day Mr. President.
Obama closes his bible and looks around. The congregation is staring at him. Their eyes move from him to the Reverend. Finally the reverend again begins to speak.

Reverend Lowery: (nervous) Where was I?

CUT TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Nola tumbles from the mountain and knocks Jesus over.
Jesus: A dove?
Nola: No, dummy, a hot mess. (Pulling down her shorts and up her feather panties) This tanga was a gift from mi amor Vladimir Putin. (She tugs on a ripped feather) Great it’s ruined. (To Jesus) Vladdy is going to poison me! (Looks at Jesus)You must know him (accusingly, with her face in his face)
Jesus: (to his followers) who is this child to speak in such a –
Nola: (interrupting)WHO AM I…To speak in such a commanding manner? Dare you question who she is? She, who talks to you as if you were that thing she despises most openly and unapologetically about this world? It is of no concern to you who I am, or even what I am. (Pause) However, understanding that you are-and I forgive it- only humans I suppose you will require a name to this face. Typical isn’t it? For nothing exists until a human has named it.
CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Churchgoer: That’s some real deep shit, right there.

CUT BACK TO NOLA:

Nola: (to Jesus) you win, from this point on I will be introducing myself as Nola of Skid Row. And you, no doubt, are Jesus. (Reaches into her pocket and pulls out three stones) Turn these into bread.
Jesus: My child, I cannot.
(Nola flips through her Bible for Dummies.)
Nola: Well, according to this Matthew guy, you turned two fish into a million fish. Unless you’re with Gorton’s, and are selling fish sticks, I don’t see how that’s possible. I want to see a miracle Jeeeeeesus.
Jesus: A man planted a vineyard. He put a wall around it, dug a pit for the winepress-
Nola: -zZzZz…
Jesus: – and built a watchtower. Then he rented the-
Nola: zZzZz…
Jesus: – vineyard to some farmers and went away on a journey.
Nola: zZzZz…
Jesus: My child?… Nola…Nola!
Nola: Sorry, fell asleep. Standing up, (to Jesus’ followers) if that don’t seem like a miracle to you I don’t know what does. (Back to Jesus) Look, I don’t need you to talk to me like I’m an idiot. I did eight years on skid row and I’m a Rhodes Scholar. I’m really smart.
Jesus: We are all Road’s scholars, my child.
Nola: Shut it Koresh. All I’m trying to find out is whether or not everything I’m reading in this BFD is true. Can you really turn water into wine? And if so can you go one more and turn it into vodka? I could sure use a Cosmo.

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Rahm: (whispering over Obama’s shoulder) Mr. President, they’re starting to tweet.
Obama: (looks over at the congregation who all have Iphones out feverishly typing. Looks up to reverend Lowery who is sweating profusely.) But we can all see the changes. Look, Rahm, you see right here in Mark 1:12:
And immediately the Nola driveth him into the wilderness.
Nola then asks Jesus to prove his worthyness.
It is plain as day on the pages.
Rahm: I see it, you see it, and poor Reverend Lowery sees it. The trouble is, people don’t actually read the bible. They’re counting on the Reverend to give them the good word. And the good word on the streets is that Nola is the Devil.
Obama: Oh Jesus!

CUT TO NOLA AND JESUS IN THE WILDERNESS:

Jesus: God? Is that you?
Nola: You know, sometimes I think maybe you are the son of god? You know why? You know why? Because you are completely retarded! (Pushes past Jesus knocking him over, looks up to the sky) Hey O. What’s the haps?
Obama: Nola, your time there is over. I want you to head back to Bethlehem. I will have the secret service pick you up there.
Nola: (her foot out in front her, she moves her leg in a half circle motion looking as cute as possible) But, Oooooo, I’m just starting to relax here. I’m interrogating Jesus. I just asked –
Obama: -Yes, you just asked him to turn water into vodka. Nola, this is serious. Reverend Lowery has been preaching it all in church today. Every move you make there is showing up here, in our bibles. The congregation has started Tweeting about it. We failed to see the connection before: Nola is a nickname for New Orleans.
Nola: For the love of Turkish bathes! I’m going to need to change my name.
Obama: So the Reverend preached about Nola taking Jesus into the wilderness and now the congregation is up in arms, saying that I am now involved with a Reverend who preaches that New Orleans is the devil.
Nola: HAHAHAHAAHHAHA. O, you almost had me. That is funny. How could anyone (pulling out her iphone, pulling up Twitterfon app) actually believe such-

Nola: Sufferin Suckatash!
Obama: Rahm is on damage control. You may need to be introduced to the public at some point. Nola, you’re on the radar now and we need to figure out the best course of action from here. I think what you need to do immediately is to make your way back to Bethlehem, hastily. And please, for the love of country Nola, don’t talk to anyone.
Nola: Got it. Sewing my mouth shut. Back to Bethlehem.
TO BE CONTINUED………

Nola in the nude: A Testament To Luke

The gospel according to
LUKE

SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

(Nola turns and she is standing in a church beside a man praying.)

Nola: Oh God damn it, where is he? Jesus! Fuck! Where did that little bitch go?
Zacharias: (looks up at Nola) Jesus? Who is Jesus?
Nola: (looks down) As if I’m gonna tell you. Who are you?
Zacharias: Zacharias.

Nola looks down at her Bible for Dummies:
Zach-a-ri’-as

Nola: Zacharias, huh, you’re the father of that dastardly John the beheaded.
Zacharias: Father? (excited) I am to have a son?
Nola: (she slaps him) Hey crazy, don’t get too excited. He turns out to be a real wacko. Here, take two of these. (hands him a couple sheets of acid) Go lay down.
Zacharias: But a son? I have a son and name him John?
Nola: (confused) Yeah, you know, he baptizes Jesus, you know, the supposed son of god or if you prefer- Nephew. John tried to drown me. I got rid of him. (whilst bowing) You are welcome.
Zacharias: Bless you my angel. For you were sent from God.
Nola: Uh, noooooo. I was sent here for my protection. Okay. Because I sliced up my cellmate’s face. With a dirty razor. That’s all. No god, no miracle. (pulls out dirty razor and slices through the air) Just a moment of shear, pardon the pun, brilliance.
Zacharias: (running off screaming) A son! He comes and will be named John! He will baptize Jesus the son of God!
Nola: (yelling after him) Don’t forget the part about when I have him beheaded!
(Nola continues walking for what seems like days. She arrives to a town called Jerusalem. She sees a young effeminate boy hanging out at a church.)
Nola: Hi. (she waves spastically) I’m Nola, Nola Shumway. Friend to sinners, foe to saints.
Jesus: I am Jesus of Galilee.
Nola: No you’re not.
Jesus: Yes I am.
Nola: (getting upset) No, (forced smile) you’re…not! (pause) Twerp.
Jesus: (stands up) Yes! I! Am!
Nola: The Jesus I met is a man. You are a little boy.
Jesus: I’m twelve! My mother, Mary…
Nola: The slut?
Jesus: She told me that when I was a baby, angels came to my dad and said that I was the son of god.
Nola: Aren’t we all?
Jesus: Then when I was a baby they took me to the temple and there was this old man who said he had to see Christ before he died. And then (Nola is biting her nails impatiently) my mom and dad took me to him and he held me and he said
Nola: (reading from her bible) and I quote ‘For mine eyes have seen thy salvation,’ big whoop. Same thing happened to me. You know what he was looking for? My eight year old vagina. So some pervert in the church had a boner for a little kid. Trust me; this is news to no one.
Jesus: Wait, who are you? How do you know that?
Nola: I’m Nola. And you (whips out leash and puts it around his neck) are coming with me.
Jesus: (walking behind Nola away from the temple) You aren’t very nice. Where did you come from?
Nola: Skid row. Sort of looks like Galilee but with boxes and needles. Everyone knows you there. You’re famous. They cry out for you all night long. ‘help me Jesus, help me!’ So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to take you to them.
Jesus: But I have to go home and help mom with dinner.
Nola: Jesus, I hate to bring this up, but, you know, if I were you I would run away. Your mom is a slut, your dad is delusional. Your aunt and uncle are fame seekers. They’ve quite the life planned for you. Did you know that someday you are going to have to die, for my sins?
Jesus: What?
Nola: You heard me. According to Matthew-
Jesus: -Who is Matthew?
Nola: (looking up from her bible for dummies) No one you ever knew. And according to Mark.
Jesus: Mark?
Nola: Nobody important. A biographer of sorts. But according to them, and Luke… and John and eighty percent of the United States, (Jesus opens his mouth to speak and Nola puts her hand over his mouth) you are going to die for my sins.
Jesus: (wiping his snotty nose) But why would I die for your sins?
Nola: (flipping furiously through the bible) Um, I don’t know. I haven’t figured that out yet. But that’s what happens.

(they walk in silence a bit further)

Nola: Hey, Jesus, what’s it like- to have two dads? It must be really confusing. (pause) Hey, do you call one Gay ol’ Dad? That would be appropriate.

Off in the distance Mary and Joseph arrive at the temple only to see Jesus a hundred yards away walking with a girl.

Mary: Jesus!
Joseph: On a leash!

Cut to Evergreen Chapel:

Reverend Lowery: Jesus! On a leash!

CUT TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Voice from the sky: NOoooLaaaa! Nola Shumway!
Nola: oh Shiite! What? What now O? I’m in the middle of something. (looks at Jesus, who has just peed his robe)
Obama: Nola, I know very well what you are doing. I want you to keep moving. Back to Bethlehem.
Nola: But O!
Obama: No, Nola. This congregation is ready to wage war on the good Reverend. No more shenanigans.
Nola: Brittle Dicks! I’m just trying to be a good person and help.
Obama: (chuckling) Sure Nola. I’m sure you are. Just get back okay?
Nola: Okay, O, I’ll be good. (grabs her tatas) Scouts honor.
Obama: You were never a scout.
Nola: I dress up like one for Vladimir.
Obama: (chuckling) You are so silly, Sweet Pretty Young Nola.
Nola: (‘hail Hitler’ salute) Back to Bethlehem for me and Jesus!
Joseph: (from off) ON A LEASH!

CUT TO THE EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Meanwhile back at the Evergreen Chapel, the congregation is now riveted by the craziness coming out of Reverend Lowery’s mouth. He continues to read, and they sit, hunched forward, some standing, urging him along:

Reverend Lowery: Uh, we are still in Luke, I’m not sure which chapter or verse. Ahem. (pause) Ha. Nola then turned and was standing on an empty dirt road. Jesus lost to her once again. An angry mob stands behind her. A man says to Nola, ‘you are the devil.’ Nola parted her lips, which made the mob quiver, but then closed her mouth, knowing full well who had told them that she must be the devil. The speaker for angry mob said ‘you will be sorry; you have crossed the son of god.’ And Nola did, then, raise her head and say ‘hahaha hahaha hahahaha. Hahaha hahahaha hahahaha. Is that supposed to frighten me? Hahaha hahaha hhahahaha. You tell your little slippery, black friend.
Congregation holus bolus: What? Did she just say black? Oh, I knew it girl. Jesus is black.
(applause erupts from the congregation- cheers and shouts of ‘Hallelujah’, ‘praise black Jesus’, and ‘New Orlins the devil’. Meanwhile Obama sits, in the corner with his head buried in his bible, desperately trying to locate Nola)
Reverend Lowery: ‘You tell your little slippery black friend that I’ve been looking for him. He keeps disappearing on me. The man laughed and turned to his group, ‘ha, the doubter claims he has not the power of miracles, yet she says herself she has seen him disappear. Hahaha’ Nola walked over to the man, pulled out a knife, dropped to the ground and stabbed him in the shin. As the man lay on the ground crying like a little bitch, Nola crawled alongside him and said ‘I was going to try to help you and your stupid little friends, but now I’m angry. You know what I know about your precious little cult leader that you don’t?
Congregation woman: Girl, this is better than Angels and Demons.
Reverend Lowery: ‘You know what I know about your precious little cult leader that you don’t? He’s going to die. Soon. Yeah, I got a message for your American buddy, you tell that murderer, that Maria’s never going to meet him. You tell him that Chino found out about them, and shot Her! She’s dead.

Record playing on the record player in the Chapel skips. Reverend stops looks up. Puzzled faces in the congregation.

Woman: (confused) Wait, girl, ain’t that from West Side Story?
Man: Who is Maria? Did she mean Mary?

Obama leaves the room with Bible in hand. He immediately opens it and finds Nola Skipping back to Bethlehem.

CUT TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTEMANT:

Obama: Nola! West Side Story? Really? I am very upset with you at the moment.
Nola: (skipping) Well, get in line, O, I’ve got an angry mob of pedophiles after me, Jesus is missing and off his leash, and this Bible for dummies has a vague map situation. I’m lost and my Iphone isn’t pulling up maps. I’m moving as fast as I can. Quit bugging me. I’ll see you soon.
Obama: I’ll pray that you do.

To be continued…… (one more time)

Nola in the nude: A Testament To Matthew

The Gospel According To
MATTHEW
We meet up with Nola in Bethlehem, where she is staying with a friendly innkeeper and his wife. She has a copy of the Bible, which she keeps referring to as The Bible for Dummies. She is bored, restless and ready for something interesting or anything really, to happen. She is lying on the floor of the Inn flipping through the latest copy of Foreign Policy magazine.
Nola: What? O? What in a cat’s scratch are you doing in Russia? Why didn’t you tell me? (She stands, magazine still in hand.) Is that Vladdy? Why is he standing in the-
CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

(Meanwhile over at Evergreen Chapel in Camp Pendleton Obama has just sat down to Sunday service and as he takes out his Bible the Reverend Joseph Lowery begins his sermon.)
Reverend Joseph Lowery: Welcome. The Gospel (long pause) according to Matthew. Chapter one, verse one says ‘The book (pause) of the (pause) generation of Jesus Christ, (pause) the son of David, (pause) the son of Abraham.
Nola: Psst. O? Can you hear me?
(Obama looks around)
Reverend Joseph Lowery: Verse 2 (pause) Abraham begat Isaac, you see, (looks up from his bible) you see how we all come together? One after another? (back to his bible) And Isaac begat Jacob, (pause) he sure did.
Nola: PSSSSSSt. O? Hey, you there?
(Obama looks down at his bible)
1 The book of the generation of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham.
2 Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob ‘blah blah blah- Nola Shumway here! Friend to sinners; foe to saints. Nola requests an audience with the President of these (for now) United States.’

Obama:
Nola? Can you hear me?
Nola: Of course I can. Don’t act so stinking surprised. The bible speaks to people all the time. Now listen O, what’s up? Why am I reading about you canoodling with my man?
Obama: (Chuckling) Nola, first of all, this was your idea. You were the one concerned about US –Russian relations.
Nola: I’m listening.
Obama: It was strictly political posturing on my part. Please believe me. I am in no way cozying up to that man.
Nola: My man.
Obama: Your man. Correct.
Nola: He had tea with you at his house. On his deck. I saw the pictures. Did he ask about me? The first time we kissed we were out on that deck. He had just ordered the poisoning of a former KGB operative and I had just finished eating my milk and cookies. We were sitting on the deck and he took me on his lap and I stared into his cold lifeless eyes.
Obama: Nola, you’re rambling. How are things in Bethlehem?
Nola: Sa-noozey. There isn’t anything to do here. This Inn is a disaster. It’s actually more like a barn. There is this crazy couple staying with us though. Get this O, there is this crazy guy, his name is Joseph. He says his soon to be wife, a thirteen year old virgin, is pregnant with the son of God. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA. Do you believe that? A thirteen year old virgin? He actually told us that story over dinner. Said he was visited by some angel who told him that Mary, that’s his slutty fiancé, was carrying the son of God and he should marry her anyway. Of course my hosts immediately threw them out into the actual barn.
Obama: Nola, I have to go. People are staring. You be good. Remember- I’ll be watching.
Nola: Fine. Fine. You get all the excitement. Tell Sonia I said hi. Can my next mission be California? I’ve developed a slight crush on a one Huell Howser and think I have a great plan for California.
Obama: Fine. Uh, Nola?
Nola: YEE-es, O?
Obama: Mind yourself. P’s, Q’s, and stay OUT OF TROUBLE.
Nola: Got it.
CUT BACK TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:
 
Nola closes her Bible for Dummies and finds herself standing knee deep in a river. She begins to ask a man standing near her for directions back to Bethlehem when all of a sudden-
Nola: (submerged in the water) gargle gargle gargle. Sir (breath) can you please tell me- gargle gargle gargle- (breath) where I can- Sir! Gargle. (kicks the man in the shin underwater) Can you stop doing that sir! I’m trying to ask how to get back to- gargle gargle gargle. (Another kick from Nola to his shin. She breaks free and runs away toward a group of men talking by a fishing boat. As she walks up the three men start to walk away)
Brunette Man: (to the others) Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men.
Nola: My Gays!
(Nola runs after them trying to catch up. She follows them up a steep mountain and arrives at a clearing where there are many men standing around flirting. She checks Bible for Dummies. It seems that she’s made her way to a club called Sermon on the Mount. There is a young, attractive Brunette man that has the audience captivated. He speaks slowly and softly. Sort of like an annoying liberal brat who went to an ivy-league college because his parents are uber-rich and then decides for a year he’s going to get rid of all possessions because they quote “don’t really mean anything.” You know the kind that black kids in the ghetto just want to beat the shit out of.
Brunette Man: Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out then-
Nola: (to man standing by her) You can’t come out? Are you guys in politics?
Man: No.
Nola: Actors?
Man: No.
Nola: Football players?
Man: Shh.
Brunette Man: Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, thou shalt not commit adultery.
Nola: (clapping) Here! Here! Who wants to be a stupid ol adult anyway! (To man) Who is this guy anyway?
Man: He is Jesus of Nazareth.
Nola: Don’t know him.
Man: Jesus of Galilee.
Nola: Don’t know him.
Man: Jesus born in Bethlehem.
Nola: Hey! I know Bethlehem. That’s where I just came from. Oh Man, I have some good gossip!
Man: Do tell, little child.
Nola: Well, I stayed at this inn and this crazy man Joseph came to stay with his whore of a fiancé. He told us all that his son was to be born of his whore fiancé Mary, who, by the way claimed to be a virgin, and that he was the son of God.
Man: (excited, points to Brunette man) That’s him. Jesus. Son of God.
CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:
 
Reverend Lowery :(reading aloud) ‘HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHA. And Nola did then fall down to the ground and roll around until she had tired herself. And when, then she was finished laughing at this newly discovered information she rose up onto her feet and said –
CUT BACK TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:
Nola: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. AHAHAHAAHAHHAHAH. Seriously, that little guy over there is the son of God? But I was just over at that inn yesterday.
(All of a sudden a thunderous voice seemingly coming from the sky speaks)
Obama: Nola! No-La Shumway!
Man: It’s god! He speaks. Who is Nola?
Nola: (pushing past him, he falls to the ground and Nola calls back to the man.) That’s not God stupid, it’s Obama. The President. I’m Nola. Nola Shumway. Friend to sinners; foe to saints.
Nola: Hey O, what’s up?
Obama: Nola, what are you doing?
Nola: Hahaha. O, This guy just told me that this over guy over there. Can you see me? Or just hear me.
Obama: Nola, you’re changing the bible. (whispering) Everyone at church thinks the good Reverend is disturbed.
Nola: Well, O, I hate to keep bringing this up, but when it comes to Reverends your track record isn’t exactly-
Obama: -Nola! Not another word! Now, I told you to stay out of trouble. That means don’t do anything that will draw attention. Now, I will be in church the rest of the morning, so if you disturb the New Testament I will know about it.
Nola: Yes sir! Oh, tell Malia I said hi. And tell Joe he owes me forty bucks.
Obama: For what?
Nola: You know I can’t say. But I wish you would have picked a veep with a little more faith in your ability to stay alive. O, I gotta go, things just got interesting…
TO BE CONTINUED……….

Dedicated to my homie Nolo… Rest in peace dawg, cuz I know you’re taking a nap at yo mama’s crib

Nola is standing behind bars at the LA County jail. (Alright, alright, there aren’t actually bars at LA County, but Nola is in charge here and she’s imagining a dirty Brazilian prison with cockroaches the size of her head.) A group of Bridge Elementary fourth graders are touring the jail as part of the city’s program “Gangs are not off the chain”. They are all lined up outside of Nola’s cell– all except for five little cholos who are exchanging kites, or correspondence from outside gang members, in the form of stories they have written with gang members from their neighborhoods. At press time, members from the Latin Kings, five percenters and the 18th street gang all cited ‘Gangs are not off the chain’ as the most reliable way to correspond with fellow incarcerated gang members.

NOLA: (to the fourth graders) hey, pee wees. I want to tell you all a little story about Nola ‘The Chola’ Shumway. It seems like just yesterday I was a sweet, pretty, young girl just dancing and skipping around… a black ribbon in my hair, skipping down the street-
CELLMATE: –yo girl, you just got here yesterday.

NOLA: (turns to cellmate) Ay! Werota! Shut your dirty mouth, Baboso! Tu madre es una puta! I love you girl! (Back to kids) Anyway, putas, there I was skipping down the street minding my own business when I noticed two sloppily written and grossly misspelled words shading my favorite neighborhood wall from the early afternoon sunshine:












CELLMATE: Yo, girl, who did that shi-

NOLA: –ay, chinga tu madre! Hueless a mierda you smell like a dirty see you next Tuesday. If you don’t stop interrupting me I’m going to slice your face up with a dull razor… Thanks girl, I love you. (Back to kids) I was outraged! Who would do such a thing? I’ll admit, PiRo wasn’t the kind of neighborhood to be a braggart about, but it was my hood, that I repped, and I wasn’t about to allow any outside riff raff to invade it. I adored my place in my orthodox Jewish neighborhood, enjoyed the power I was granted just by the simple fact that I was the only non Jew. How I enjoyed the ability to literally give heat to those who could not flip switches on Friday nights. I ran this neighborhood! Who was it? Who was battling me? Who wanted my neighborhood and all the power that came with it? I was outraged! Indignant! I was—

(FROM OFF): Chowtime!

NOLA: I’ll be back in twenty. (To cellmate) vamanos culo puta pupusa!

……..TWENTY MINUTES LATER……

NOLA: I was indignant!

CELLMATE: Yo, girl you already said that…

(Nola pulls out a dull razor from her black ribbon and proceeds to slice up cellmate’s face)

NOLA: (to the kids- all crying) Yo, baby gangsters, I told her to shut her mouth! My own sister! Look what she made me do! So, anyways, I decided to take action! I called up a one Mrs. Ghanghi, head of the anti gang department in Los Angeles.

-LET US CUT TO THAT PHONE CALL-

NOLA: Hi, Mrs. Ghanghi? Nola Shumway here, ready, eager and available after school Monday through Friday to help solve the gang problem. I’ve got ropes, concrete and detailed maps of all suspected gang members’ homes. I even know when they aren’t at home, so getting to their children won’t be a problem.

Mrs Ghanghi: (laughing uncomfortably) Whoa, Nola, hold on dear, you don’t sound much older than a child yourself.

NOLA: I’m eight years old ma’am and fully capable of tying up riff raff and dumping them in the ocean. My father and my father’s father were longshoremen… and Italian. And short.

Mrs. Ghanghi: Well… um. Thank you Nola. We certainly appreciate all the help we can get but first of all I need to ask a few things.

Nola: I’ve never killed anyone and I never do drugs that the president himself hasn’t tried.

Mrs. Ghanghi: No, no, no… (Very uncomfortable now) um, what I was going to ask about was what you saw in your neighborhood that prompted this call.

Nola: Grossly misspelled words sloppily written across my favorite wall.

Mrs.Ghanghi: Oh, well Nola, we have a program for graffiti artists: From Cans to Canvas. We-

Nola: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You’re joking?

Mrs.Ghanghi: Many of these young and adult men are very talented artists. With the proper encouragement we think they can grow into–

Nola: -HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You’re still joking. You’re very funny Mrs. Ghanghi. Hey, I’ve got one! A tagger is to a gang as a blank is to a blank.

Mrs. Ghanghi: Now Nola, I’m perfectly serious and I want you to be serious too. Where is your mother?

Nola: Teaching a meat carving class to serial killers. Give up? Okay- A tagger is to a gang as a kicker is to a football team! HAHA ha-ha ha-ha HAHA! Thanks for your time Mrs. Ghanghi; I’m going to go it alone. I’m going to find these little rascals, and when I find them I’m going to slice them open and finger paint with their blood all over their neighborhoods. Good day to you.

…….LET US CUT BACK TO THE JAIL………

Nola: So Mrs. Ghanghi wasn’t going to help me. Art huh? It got me thinking. They were bringing their art into my neighborhood and here I was being selfish with my own.

…….CUT TO FRONT LAWN OF A HOUSE IN THE PICO UNION NEIGHBORHOOD…….. (18th street gang stand up!)

Nola, carrying a silver box and a shot gun, walks up to the front lawn of a crappy house. She sets the box down on the porch and hits play.
NOLA: (Singing- terribly. Dancing- terribly.)
OHHHHHHH-K-Lahoma!
where the winds come sweepin’ down the plain!
And the wavin wheat,
can sure smell sweet,
when the wind comes right behind the rain!

A boy of about eight rushes outside. He is wearing a black doo-rag and is covered in large black tattoos; a cross, I heart mi madre, 18th street, and a full color portrait of Rey Mysterio.


NOLA: (still singing and dancing terribly)
Oklahoma!
Ev’ry night my honey lamb and I,
Sit alone and talk and watch a hawk,
makin’ lazy circles in the sky.

NOLO: Ay, Kieta el stupido elephante! Get off my lawn you stupid little—
…………….BACK TO LA COUNTY…………..
WARDEN: Nola! Nola! Are you listening? You have a visitor.
NOLA: Oh? But I was just in the middle of telling these little badasses a fairytale.
WARDEN: You’re coming with me you stupid little girl. (Grabs her by the arm and smacks her in the face)
NOLA: (as Warden is pulling her by her hair down the hall) La RAZA! LA RAZA! Yo Mataria Tu! You understand? Yo Mataria Tu!Warden sits Nola down in his office and leaves.
Out of the shadows appears a tall, dark, impeccably dressed figure.
Obama: That’s enough narration Nola. You’re talking too much.
Nola: Sorry, O, I’ve just been locked up for such a long time. I’m starting to go nuts.
Obama: You’ve been here all of six hours. We’ll have you out soon, but we need to proceed with caution. The last thing I need is an outed operative.
Nola: I know. I’m actually enjoying myself.
Obama: So I’ve heard. Tell me about this Nolo figure.
Nola: Nolo ‘the cholo’ marquelas! I love him! I met him while I was performing a rousing rendition of Oklahoma on his front porch.
Obama: I heard it didn’t go so well.
Nola: (sad) you heard? I knew I should have gone with West Side Story. Anyway, my plan was to get him to ask me out. I figured if I was the girl of a gang member I would see some action- be able to see their inner workings. But Nolo said gangs didn’t work like that. He said that so long as I wasn’t a gang member, when we were out on the town, gang code forbid rival gangs to mess with us.
Obama: Interesting.
Nola: Yeah. Who would have thought? Romantics… these murdering lowlifes. My only option was to join the gang. I had two choices. I either had to endure eighteen seconds of the girl gang members kicking me in the head…
Obama: Ouch
Nola: I know, right? Good thing I wasn’t joining the 118th street gang!
Obama: The other option?
Nola: (uncomfortable. Leans in and whispers into O’s ear) spspspps sspsp sssspppp psppspp spspspps ppspp ssp bang spspspa sppp spspps spspps spps 18 spsp spsps.
Obama: Eew.
Nola: I know.
Obama: Tell me you didn’t-
Nola: -O! I’m not that kind of little girl! (Pause) I decided to start my own gang. I rounded up the toughest, meanest, most badass friends I could find. We started THE GaYNG: Gays and Young Nola Gang. We’re effing crazy O!
Obama: (chuckling) Okay, Okay. You and your gays start a gang.
Nola: Gay-ang.
Obama: Gay-ang. Sorry. But it still doesn’t explain why my Sweet Pretty Young Nola is locked up in LA County.
Nola: O! Stop interrupting me pinchi pendejo! (Stops) Sorry, Nola ‘the chola’ coming out there. I’m lost in my cover. Anyways, so me and my Out&About Boys are ru-
Obama: –Nola, you mean homeboys.
Nola: No, O, I mean Out&About Boys. Homeboys would be so offensive to my clique. Have you seen the way cholos dress? It’s appalling. Moving on… Me and the-
Obama: -Out&About Boys…
Nola: we start asking around, talking to anybody. And anybody says ‘come on Riff-
Obama: -Nola, I’m not interested in West Side Story right now.
Nola: Right, sorry. Okay… So I call up Nolo.
Obama: The Cholo?
Nola: Yeah. And I tell him ‘Hey dirty pinchi bendejo. Me cago en tus muertos! La WEHO! LaWeho! Bitch! Why don’t you come down for a rumble?
Obama: So you fought the 18th street gang in West Hollywood?
Nola: No. They didn’t want to meet up. Apparently gangs only fight over location. It’s sort of like realtors with unregistered automatic weapons. Apparently these gangs don’t think West Hollywood is worth the trouble. Except the Mormons. That gang is very interested in WEHO for some reason. Anyway, I proposed to the Out&About Boys that we go down to their neighborhood. I told Ratti it was south of Pico and he said ‘aw, hell no’. So I arranged a date with Nolo. I figured we were both in gangs now; we should be an open target.
Obama: I hate the danger you put yourself in.
Nola: O… you sent me to Russia with an ex-KGB operative four times my age.
Obama: You said it was your dream vacation!
Nola: It was! It was! It was like living in it’s a small world after all- minus the dolls. I’m glad to do it O, helping you. Anyway, nothing even happened. Nolo said the majority of gang time is spent collecting rent with his fellow apartment boys.
Obama: You mean homeboys.
Nola: Whatever. So no one bothered us.
Obama: What do you mean by ‘collecting rent?’
Nola: Nolo said gangs collect rent from business owners in their own neighborhoods. He said it’s a protection they are paying for.
Obama: Protection from whom?
Nola: Who knows? He never could pinpoint exactly who the threat would come from. I talked to one of the shop owners and he said he only feared not being able to make his rent payments- to the gang, not the bank.
Obama: Rent collectors. Interesting.
Nola: Yeah, and you’d think with all the importance they place on collecting rent they would place equal importance on paying rent to their own landlords, aka mamas, baby mamas and granmamamas. But with all the screaming and yelling going on at Nolo’s place I believe this not to be the case.
Obama: And what do you believe they are spending this collected money on? If they are laundering it we can get them for that.
Nola: As far as I can tell they spend it mostly on gawdy cars and accessories, video game consoles and buying nice things for their cholitas.
Obama: Did Nolo buy you those earrings you came in with?
Nola: Yeah, but he got them from the gifts for guns program. Trade in your guns for gift cards. 50 dollars for a handgun and 100 for a semi automatic. It’s how Nolo buys Christmas presents for his family every year. Sweet cholo, that Nolo.
Obama: So what’s your proposal Nola? What do we do?
Nola: World’s Best Gang! A competition to determine once and for all who in the world is the best. It worked for the Warriors! See, we put all of our American gangs in an international competition against all the other gangs around the world. Have them battle it out until there is one gang standing.
Obama: But that’s flawed, Nola. Who would MS13 fight for? America or El Salvador? What about the Latin Kings? They wouldn’t fight representing America.
Nola: That’s why it’s also your immigration solution! Well, at least for Los Angeles. Everyone knows were all Americans until we play sports on an international stage. Then all of the sudden people are representing Lithuania in table tennis even though they’ve been living in Topeka, Kansas their whole life! The foreign gangs will go back to their countries, fight for their home countries. That will leave us with the KKK and the Mormons. But they’re silly, and I already have a plan in action to deal with them. Anyway- that’s the plan. Have them all kill each other in one last final international gang battle- televised.
Obama: But what happens when there is one last gang standing? What do they win?
Nola: Three consecutive life terms in a Brazilian prison.
Obama: And the Brazilians, they have agreed?
Nola: Oh, yeah, it’s a win/win for them. Well a win/win/win. I had to promise them two things. One-2014 World Cup has to be in Brazil.
Obama: Done.
Nola: Pay off their IMF debt.
Obama: I’ll talk to the Chinese, but I think it can be done.
Nola: Alright, we’re good, can I go back now? I want to tell the kids about the time Ratti almost killed this banger because he repped the five percenters.
(O gives Nola a puzzled look)
Nola: He thought he was talking about tipping.
Obama: (chuckling) Oh, that Ratti. He’s so excitable. But what was the third win for the Brazilians?
Nola: Pardon?
Obama: You said win/win/win.
Nola: Oh, well. (She stands, puts her hands behind her back and sheepishly grins at O like a little girl.) The Brazilians are running out of food for their prisoners. We’re going to hand over the largest street gang in the world to the Brazilians. Win.
Obama: (shock, then disgust) Nola Shumway!
Nola: O! Don’t worry. Nobody is going to know a thing.
Obama: And also, you still didn’t explain why you are in here.
Nola: A dictionary drive.
Obama: I’m not following.
Nola: After I realized there was no short term solution to the graffiti problem I decided to hold a dictionary drive- for the taggers. I thought the least they could do when they were tagging my neighborhood would be to get the words right.
Obama: well, that doesn’t seem so bad.
Nola: Well, the first tagger I tried to give a dictionary to tried to kill me. So the Out & About boys and I dropped him over a pole and now he’s paralyzed.
Obama: No you didn’t Nola, that was Blood in, Blood out.
Nola: You’re right. Excellent film though. Okay, really I just threw the book at his head. Little bitch, he told on me.
Obama: He was five Nola.
Nola: Dirty puto. Anyway, that’s why I’m here. And don’t worry, I won’t run into anymore problems with the dictionaries. I have the Mormons handing them out. They were tired of the Jehovah’s always getting to the neighborhoods first. Oh, and you might want to assemble a task force to deal with all the dead Mormons. A tagger takes to a dictionary the way a cat takes to water.
Obama: One more problem Nola.
Nola: Ay! Dejeme solo! Cual ahora es el?
Obama: You sliced up your cellmate. Remember? I have an operative working undercover who has sliced up an innocent civilian.
(Nola opens mouth to speak)
Obama: I’ve read the report Nola. I don’t buy it that you were trying to tattoo eyebrows. And neither does the warden. We have to hide you. Somewhere no one will know to find you. Somewhere where you can’t get into any trouble. You know what I’m thinking?
Nola: New Testament?
Obama: Pack your bag.