Tag Archives: Nola

Nola Shumway: Purge and Ac-Quisitions Specialist

A cave, somewhere in (redacted for security purpose). Self-described Secretary Of State Nola Shumway is being led to a small room. She is blindfolded and wearing her BurqAlaïa. She is sat down in a chair. Enter a man that could be 1. An extra on Homeland when they film in Israel but it is supposed to be Lebanon or 2. A leader of Al-Qaeda. He is reading a book ‘How To Win Friends and Influence People’

Al-Jazeera: (just kidding, that’s a news station. Gotcha!)

Al- Atosis: Take off the fataah’s blindfold.

Nola: If you just called me fat I swear to G  – Allah I will drop a drone guided missile on your mother’s house. I kid! I kid! We already did that.

Nola takes her blindfold off.

Nola: First I would like to start this meeting off by saying I would rather be raped than beheaded. Just throwing it out there.

Al- Atosis: Hahahahaha. (To Al-Anon) I like this one. No raping. I wouldn’t lie down with you filthy infidel.

Nola: Am I going to be beheaded?

Al- Atosis: This is the problem with you infidels; you think all we do is rape or behead.

Nola: And blow things up and crash things into buildings. Yes, that is pretty much my working knowledge. Also, you make really cheesy propaganda videos.

Al-Atosis: We are so much more than that and this is precisely the reason we brought you here. Al-Anon (he waves) has been watching you. We are very interested in what you can do for us. Please listen.

Nola: What exactly can I help you with?

AL-Atosis: What are your thoughts about Al-Qaeda?

Nola: Disorganized, lacking a clear mission statement. Wasteful. Incompetent.

Al- Anon: Filthy Bitch!

Al-Atosis: Let her talk! (he shoots Al- Anon) Please, go on.

Nola: You’re past your time. The planes thing? I’ll give you that. Well executed.

Al- Atosis: Pun intended?

Nola: Of course. But since then really nothing. In the meantime the Baja Cartel, Tea Party, Hipsters – they’ve all grown by leaps and bounds. I mean over the summer, the cartels had an Allahdamn recruitment film running in American Theatres called Savages.

Al- Atosis: Al-Yankabitch, why do we not have such a thing?

Nola: Who’s your PR guy?

Al- Atosis: Praise be to Allah he rests with the virgins now.

Nola: Osama? That was your marketing guy? Ineffective, for obvious reasons, but my God- Allah, he was terrible on camera. No charisma. And he’s dead. Al- Yankabitch, you seem theatrical.

Al-Yankabitch: You’ve seen Afghan Idol.

Nola: Nobody did, there weren’t enough antennas.

AL- Yankabitch: (sad) I was a finalist.

Nola: Correction you were a semi finalist moved to finalist after they shot the woman because she swayed – probably wobbly from heat stroke – but she swayed a bit and you shot her in the head.

Al-Atosis: You watched Afghan Idol.

Nola: I was there. Big mistake shooting the woman. Women are what you need and your recruitment strategy is all off. Sure promising 72 virgins to a man in exchange for blowing up the consulate is a good idea, it’s actually genius. But do you know what a woman imagines when she’s promised 72 virgins? The worst 4-minute gang bang of her life. That’s hell, my friend. Which reminds me. We need a kindler gentler Al- Qaeda, which is why we will no longer be referring to them as infidels. They will now be called Friend-fidels. Ps. You’re all pissed off about all the sex happening down here, but it seems like your idea of heaven is a whole lot like an orgy. What if I told you I could give you heaven on earth?

Al- Atosis: Go on.

Nola: Have you ever heard of a little town in Russia called (redacted for obvious reasons)?

Al- Atosis: I mean go on about ideas in regards to Al- Qaeda.

Nola: Well, you guys need a serious rebrand of this organization. Just a few thoughts of the top of my burqa – Fire on your CFO. (They do. They kill AL-Yankabitch) Finances. They’re tied up in the American markets. Remember this: You should trust the Americans in the markets the way you trust an Arab at the market.

Al- Atosis: (laughing) That’s good. I like that joke.

Nola: Also, suspicious packages? Ridiculous. You know what’s not suspicious? (throws newspaper desk) A Newspaper bundle at a newspaper stand. Simple.

Al- Atosis: (jumps) Holy Shiite!

Nola: (laughing) Relax. I’m a scare-orist. It’s just the Moscow Mull. Look at the front page. That’s Vladdy and I at that Ballet.

Al- Atosis: (relaxes a little) Okay, what do we do first?

Nola: Bring in AL-Ly, Al-Ice, and Al-Exandra. From now on we’re a friendly fair-orist organization. Al-Ly, press release. We’re going public – use Twitter not VHS. Al-Ice, get Dimon on the phone – we’ll have GS underwrite the offering: stock weapons. Al- Exandra, get me the President.

Al- Exandra: His head?

Nola: No, on the phone.

Al-Atosis: Americans don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Nola: No, but they do business with them.

Al- Atosis: we have nothing to offer.

Nola: You make one hell of an IED and I think Americans would love to see those on the side of the road in the dreaded lane merge situation. You know that asshole that always drives up the shoulder and cuts in at the last moment? Boom! Yeah, he’d think twice if he knew there were strategically buried IEDS along the road. That alone could win over the hearts and minds of the Americans. Also, you’re our way into Saudi oil. We’ll get you uniforms and you’ll look like a better friend than the Pakistanis in no time. And finally, you can’t kill Americans in bunches anymore at the same time. You have to do it slowly, subtlety – think Mcdonalds, Camel, and Reality Television. Americans love to be killed; they just like to do it on their own turns. It’s what we call Freedom.

Al- Atosis: Do you think it could work?

Nola: You’ll sadly never be around to see the day.

Al- Atosis: I suppose it will take such a long time.

Nola: No, literally I will turn this thing around by tomorrow morning. Your problem is that you’re eating a banana dipped in Ricin.

Al- Atosis: Infidel!

Nola jumps over the dirt table and puts a knife to his throat. He is dying. She whispers:

Nola: Friend-fidel, my friend, Friend-fidel.

And far away at the Half-White House O receives a text message:

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Nola in a new (non-sexual) position

Somewhere in the Middle East.

Anderson Cooper: Tonight on AC360 we finally sit down with one of the most controversial figures in the President’s first administration. Tonight is particularly special because I’ve been trying to get an interview with this little girl for 4 years. Finally, tonight, she has agreed to sit down in an undisclosed location – we keep her location secret for fear of her safety – and discuss her plans for the future.

Nola and Anderson are sitting on chairs on the top of a bombed out building.

AC: Nola Shumway, at last we meet.

Nola: Anderson Cooper, at last you’re out. As-salamu alaykum

AC: (giggling uncontrollably)

Nola: I take issue with your lead in. Controversial Figure? I think you and I both agree that the majority of white males over the age of 42 think I have a pretty bangin bod.

AC: (very serious all of a sudden) That’s sad.

Nola: Truly. Perhaps if O had dumped Biden and ran with me on the ticket we could have improved on the ‘white males on the average have small dicks’ percentage.

AC: I think you mean ‘White Males on the average don’t vote for Obama’ –

Nola: That too yes.

ISRAELI ROCKET LANDS 10 FEET FROM THEM

AC: So we’re here to talk about you and the future. The last I saw of you was an appearance on the Charlie Rose show.  You said some pretty damning things about the administration. Where is your relationship with the President these days?

Nola: It’s no secret I have issues with the President.  He still refuses to allow Vladimir and I to stay in the Lincoln bedroom when he comes over and he’s completely opposed to talks with Ahmadijenead. I mean have you seen this guy? He’s hilarious. He’s batshit, but he is hilarious.

AC: You seem to have sympathy for the Middle East in a way that many Americans don’t tolerate.

Nola: Sympathy? It’s not sympathy. I have sympathy for Kanye West. Kanye on that Watch the Throne album sounds like he was from make a wish – and you know what his last wish was? To record an album with Jay Z. I mean he sounds straight retarded. Huuuhhhhhhh. Huuuhhhhh. I mean someone should really check him out. I’m worried about him. But sympathy for the Mid-E? Never. But what I want to talk about more than anything is my new video.

AC: Yes, you are launching a pop career.

Nola: Yes. Under the name SOS.

AC: Help?

Nola: I’m going to try Anderson. My first video is set on the strip. Though I think after the Israelis are done we’ll have to start calling it the Stripe.

AC: (giggling) Why haven’t we always been best friends?

Nola: I told you. I don’t associate with closet gays in position of power. You should all come out. Unless you have bad taste like Bachman’s husband. Then I encourage you to stay in the closet until you figure out something appropriate to wear.  Anyhow, we’re here in the Strip and I play Lady Gaza.

AC: Lady Gaza?

Nola: Lady GAH-za. And I’ve just interrupted a super secret meeting of the world leaders. I walk in and I have Hamas –

AC: I’m sorry Hummus? You’re eating hummus.

Nola: Anderson, just be pretty, sweetie and let the big kids handle the news, k. So there are Hamas and Israeli soldiers flanking me on either side. I’m wearing a BurqAlaïa.

AC: What is that?

Nola: Azzedine Alaia has come out of retirement to design a specially made burqa for me. As a pop star I feel it’s important to pay homage to the beliefs and customs of the people I have stolen from in the name of art.

AC: You’re working with some really interesting people for this video. Can you talk about how you found them?

Nola: I actually can’t because it’s classified information. I can tell you whom I’m humping to obtain my classified information. Do you want to know whom I’m humping to obtain my classified information?

AC: Who says humping?

Nola: I’m literally humping this guy in the EDIT  named EDIT  because he likes his leg humped. He did a lot of years over in East Asia so I think there are some PTSD issues. If you think any politician over the age of 19 can get off without some kind of weird sex than you my frenemy have never made the rounds in DC.

CNN  TICKER: PARTS OF MZ SHUMWAYES INTERVIEW HAVE BEEN RED ACTED BECAUSE CLASSIFIED INFO WAZ DISCUSSED

Nola looks down as the ticker moves across the screen

Nola: Is it that all of your staff went to schools where you all get a trophy just for trying or are you guys truly an equal opportunity employer and the equal opportunity is explored through people who can’t spell. Or articulate. Or, apparently, read.

AC: Video.

Nola: Okay, so I walk in with my backup, and I press play on a tape player. And you hear this:

Lady Gaza Clip 1 

AC: Wait, that doesn’t sound like you.

Nola: It’s Otto Tuned.

AC: Why?

Nola: I’m SOS okay. I can’t have people knowing what I sound like. It’s a security thing. So Otto, my IT guy decided to give me a little mask of the voice.

Nola presses play again

Lady Gaza Clip 2 

AC: So are you dancing during this video?

Nola: Your knowledge of the MID-E is so sad to me Anderson. Do you know what kind of trouble I’d be in if I was dancing? Did you see Afghan Idol? That chick was in hiding for shuffling her feet. Of course I’m dancing! And so are the soldiers. But only during the Ramadan chorus. Towards the end the Israeli gets a little gay and the Palestinian shoots him in the head. The video is cutting edge. I’m using the same director who shot the fake Syrian rebel hostage video for Assad. Do you know how difficult it is to keep robes clean on a set in the sand? Top-notch crew working here.

Lady Gaza Clip 3 

AC: I think it sounds too much like Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance.

Nola: I’d like to see that little Pop tart come after me. (Directly into the camera) Hey Gag, I’m in Gaza and I’m armed. I stole your song. Come and find me.

AC: So a pop career? For once I love that you’re acting your age.

Nola: A pop career? Who said anything about a pop career? I’m not an idiot Anderson.

AC: But you’ll be known as SOS? Help.

Nola: Oh god I hate you. Secretary of State. Hill’s out in January and I’m shooting my little video to show O that I’m the lil girl for the job. It’s down to me and Kerry and Kerry’s still on a sandy beach somewhere looking for his flip-flops.

AC: You can’t be serious.

Nola jumps up from her chair, slides under Anderson’s and pops up behind him, knife at his throat.

Nola: I’m always serious.

Anderson starts crying and pees his pants.

Nola looks into the camera.

Nola: From Gaza Strip or Stripe this has been the night of your life. I have been wonderful. ‘Merica, get ready because there’s a new breed of Foreigner Policy coming your way and most of you aren’t going to like it. I’m future Secretary of State Muhammad Nola Shumway. You’re Welcome. ma`a as-salāma! Don’t forget to check out my full song at (she holds up a sign with the link – of course she can’t trust CNN to get ot right) LADYGAZAFULLSONG!!!! 

She waves us out.

For the full set of lyrics visit: Lady Gaza Lyrics

Nola on set of her latest music video.

Nola does Charlie Rose

Charlie Rose: Tonight on our show, a lil girl who in her short time on this planet has managed to accumulate more accomplishments than those five times her age. Only eight years of age and she boasts an impressive resume: As the so called right hand lil girl of the most powerful man in the free world she has taken in a ballet with the late Kim Jong Il, been involved in the debt talks and has influenced policy – though to what degree we are not aware. For the other side of this lil girl is a dark, highly secretive nature in which she works. She answers directly, and only to the President, and her methods have led to some embarrassing moments for this administration. What is it about this lil girl, who critics have called the most dangerous person in the world? My guest tonight, Nola Shumway. (to Nola) Good evening, Miss Nola Shumway.

Nola: (blushing) Hello Charlie.

Charlie: I want to start with the text message not heard round the world. Take me back to California, just before the election.

Nola: I was out in LA.

Charlie: I’ve heard, though most of my information comes from sources unwilling to go on record, I’ve heard that the then Democratic nominee President Obama had misgivings about you campaigning on the issue?

Nola: Let’s just say the only fags the B.O. was down with at that point were his Newports.

Charlie: But you campaigned anyways. What was the slogan? The first time I heard it I remember thinking ‘this girl has something special’

Nola: No to the Same old, Same old. Yes to the Same same, same same.

Charlie chuckles

Charlie: It didn’t work out though did it? You got arrested?

Nola: Exit Polls, firearms and Soapboxes! Don’t it smell like an election? They missed that quote in the paper. One of my finest if you ask me. But yes, arrested I was. But I was sprung in no time and headed to the Half-White House.

Charlie: Ah, the fateful first meeting of the President and his men.

Nola: And little girl.

Charlie: Were you nervous?

Nola: I prefer a big entrance in those moments. I busted in and screamed ‘Shumway, Nola Shumway. I like my olives garish and I hate martinis

Charlie: Understood, but here you are the youngest aide to the first African American President amidst the most important men in the world. It’s got to get to you.

Nola: Only one of them got to me.

Charlie: Ah. Vladimir Putin. Your rumored beau.

Nola: I can’t confirm or deny because I’m told it’s illegal. I could marry my cousin in about 20 different states but I can’t shack up with an old man until I’m 18. I’ve negotiated treaties between countries, infiltrated terrorist networks and the government wants to tell me I, as an 8 year old, can’t make decisions about who I’m humping? It’s radicchio.

Charlie: Do you see why some may be concerned?

Nola: I was sent by the President of the United States to gain intel on one of the most closed off societies in the world using any method deemed appropriate. And you know what people get hung on?

Charlie: The ballet?

Nola: Yes, that I attended the ballet with Kim Jong. It’s preposterous. We’ll move on now.

Charlie: Of course. Just to be clear-

Nola: (jumps up on the table slides across and as she swings behind Charlie she produces a rope from her boot and fastens it around his neck) We’ll move on here, or I’ll move on here.

Charlie: (laughing) Alright. We move on here.

Nola sits down

Charlie: You know if I were younger and you were older-

Nola: Come on Char, we both know you don’t want me any older.

Charlie: So, after that meeting you got to work on the banking crisis.

Nola: We needed to sell a depression to the American people. They needed to get interested. The only way to get ‘Mericans interested in anything other than food and reality television is to put on a tournament. To coincide with March Madness I created the 2009 March to Nationalization Tournament

Charlie: And that didn’t go well.

Nola: There is always a bigger distraction than the impending doom facing America. It keeps us busy.

Charlie: You were sent back to California to deal with some domestic issues?

Nola: Gayangs.

Charlie: Gangs.

Nola: Gay-angs.

Charlie: Alright. Gay-angs. Where you went undercover as Nola the Chola and met Nolo the Cholo. You got into some trouble there?

Nola: Shout out to my homie Nolo, rest in peace dawg cuz I know you taken a nap at your mama’s crib

Charlie: You were sent- what did Obama say to you?

Nola: After the gay-ang debacle he said he needed to send me somewhere to hide out. Somewhere nobody would look for me.

Charlie: Ah. Yes. And where did he send you.

Nola: The New Testament.

Charlie: And then you disappear for the summer and Fall. But I have it on good authority that you and Larry Summers had some heated battles about the President’s Healthcare Reform.

Nola: Summers is the cat’s bark. Nobody likes the guy. He’s one of my best friend’s but I can’t stand that guy.

Charlie: You fought over the selling of the Health reform to the people.

Nola: I wanted straight forward plans. I made a chart myself. I also wanted to sell it to the old folks first, without even worrying about the youngens.

Charlie: What I heard is you came up with a kind of 1 form 1 time slogan.

Nola: Yes. Old people hate filling out forms. Government healthcare could have alleviated that problem. It would have worked but Summers threw a tantrum and got his way.

Charlie: And you were sent to the Hope for Haiti telethon?

Nola: Punishment, I thought at first. But when I got there I realized it was just a party. It was fantastic.

Charlie: And when you come back from the telethon there is so much public interest in you. Who was this little girl who had the power of men 8 times her age. President Obama decided you were ready to meet the press.

Nola: I had been dreaming of briefing the press at the Half-White House since I was a littler girl.

Charlie: One of my favorite moments in the press conference was the moment you were asked if it was true if you had the ear of the President. And you produced this brown plastic ear and threw it down on the podium. (laughing) Is that still true almost four years later?

Nola: No.

Charlie: It’s not?

Nola: I’ve got the balls of the President now. Why do you think he finally came out in support of gay marriage? It took some time but I’ve built up such an arsenal of information about this President that he can’t do much but tow the line. My line.

Charlie: Interesting. Let’s talk economy.

Nola: I won’t do it. First class or private. Only.

Charlie: I mean, Greece. Debt. What are your thoughts on this latest round of damn the banker? Jaime Dimon is a friend of yours I know.

Nola: Jaime Dimon? He’s a hedgehog. But I love the guy.

Charlie: You’ve defended, famously, a whale before-

Nola: Yes. An alleged killer whale.

Charlie: Any truth to the rumor you may be representing the London Whale?

Nola: I have other plans.

Charlie: I’m curious. Going back to the press conference. You answered all but one of the questions there. I think you know what I’m referring to.

Nola: I was.

Charlie: You are confirming then that you did indeed spend time in the Republican party during the Reagan administration working as an operative?

Nola: I did. I wanted to come on the show tonight and announce to the world that I in fact have never actually left the Republican party and have been working for them all along. The failed first term of the President can be directly linked to me. Failed bank reform. You’re welcome. Failed debt resolution. You’re welcome. Failed Universal Healthcare. You’re welcome. Failed Equal Rights for Gays and Lesbians. You’re Welcome. Failed Campaign Finance Reform. You’re Welcome.

Charlie: Have you spoken to the President recently?

Nola: No need. Haven’t you noticed? Me and Biden have gone rogue.

Charlie: But we will see more of you?

Nola: Oh yes. There will be much more of Nola Shumway to look forward to.

Charlie: Well Nola, thank you for your time. I can’t get over how grown up you seem compared to the girl I met at the ugh- that I met four years ago. I look forward to this next chapter.

Nola: A Presidency will do that do you.

Charlie:  Nola Shumway ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps former aide to the President of the United States.

Nola’s Back… In the way that the debt crisis is averted.

We once again return to the Oval Office.  Barack sits, smoking a Newport and  listening to the radio.

Barack: You’re still cool baby. You’re still cool.

He receives a text message :

He turns on a radio and let us now listen in:

Hola y recepción a otra tarde de secuestre la radio.

Obama: Oh Jesus. Can I get a translator in here?

(from Radio) Nola: No need for a translator O, I’m taking over the radio show tonight. Tell  Archuleta she can go back to falsifying the voter registration cards.

Obama: Can you hear me? See me?

Nola: No O, I’m on the radio. I can’t hear you or see you. I just know you that well. Which is exactly why I thought it was time to get in touch.

Obama (to an agent) cancel Archuleta, make sure this line is secure. Cut feed to any other signals.

Nola: And don’t worry about cutting feed to any outside signals. Nobody, save a few sad Colombians, is listening to this program. The hours are dreadful and the show is a bit – ugh, hopeless, if you know what I mean. Oh – hold on we need to play a request right now Call in and we can talk.

Cut to the radio station in Bogota. Nola sits in an old disc jockey booth playing 8 tracks.  A line of Columbian women and children stand at the door waiting for their turn to talk.

Nola motions to an old woman to step up to the mic:

Poor Colombian woman: Hola, mi nombre es Guadalupe Manore y quisiera decir mi marido Jose que aunque él puede todavía ser perdido en la selva con los gorilas I ámelo y esperanza que él se volverá pronto.

Nola: That was Guadalupe hoping that her crazy husband Jose will stop playing around with the Gorillas in the jungle and come home and help her raise their 58 children. Now I’m going to take a call from a sad and desperate man who is mourning the loss of his cajones. Go ahead O, say hello to the Colombians.

Obama: Nola! I am still your President. You can’t talk to me that way.

Nola: My president? O, in case you forgot you and your party totally abandoned me after the Whale trial. And everybody knows your balls are at this moment sitting in Boehner’s briefcase.

Obama: Nola, there were some non approved extracurricular assignments you involved yourself if you remember correctly.

Nola: Ah, the terminal tot squad. We were ahead of our time.

Obama: Where have you been?

Nola: O, we don’t have time. I’ll be back soon and explain everything.

Obama: In great detail I’m sure.

Nola: Sorry, hold on, gotta play another request:

(radio voice Nola) This song is dedicated to all you hostages out there in the jungle from all your women back here in Bogota. They’re just trying to survive papis just like you. And to the little mamisetas, I hope you’re hugging Sancho tight tonight:

<Music plays>
I don’t practice Santeria, I aint got no crystal ball…

Nola: O, okay back to you. This debt ceiling. No way you can do it without some revenue. I don’t care that you guys made poor Giffer come down there and vote. It isn’t going to help O. We’re broke.

Obama: Nola, it’s dead. No revenue. I can’t utter the word tax without Boehner crying like a little bitch.

Nola: Has anyone found his secret room yet?

Obama: Nola!

Nola: He has one O, I’m telling you. Classic signs of a pervert. He cries too much. Anyway, this debt issue – You’ve got to outsmart them. Remember that time we were at Old Ebbit’s and you wanted to leave the waiter a 10% tip and we argued?

Obama: I just don’t think what she did was worry of more than 10%.

Nola: You’re half black, I get it. You don’t have to constantly remind me. But, more importantly, what did I say when you said ‘what is it with white folks and tipping’

Obama: It’s the way we pay for our white guilt quietly, without having to admit to white guilt.

Nola: Bingo! O hold on- I just won.

Let us cut to Nola’s radio station/Bingo Hall

Nola is waving her Bingo card in the air while 100s of angry old Columbian women stare her down.

The bingo caller tries to wave off the bingo

Nola yells:  Escucha el asshole, yo quiere el pollo. I don’ cuidado de t si I’ m en el teléfono. Jugaba y pagué mi botella de Tequila mi tarjeta. ¡Quiero mi pollo! ¡Gané!

Sorry O, little mix up on the bingo game. Any who, You’ve got to level with these white rich people. You’ve got to speak their language. You can’t raise taxes. You have to call it taxes with a tip – or TWATs

Think about it. Who tips for everything?

Obama: Rich white people.

Nola: They tip at least 20% on everything. 20% to the Koreans for their nails even though they never do them quite as good as white people. 20% to Starbucks baristas even though they mostly screw up their super simple and not at all obnoxious ‘half skim, 2/3 decaf, steam to 500 degrees then put in the ice’ coffee-esque concoctions. 20% to the guy who washes the car even though they have to kindly remind him he missed the tires again. 20% to the guy who checks their coat. 20% to the guy who parks their car, the guy who mows the yard, the maid who cleans the house, the door guy who stands in front of their apt, the Persian who tailors their clothes, the dry cleaners, the fruit stand guy, the homeless people. The only people white people don’t tip are their families and other rich white people (their doctors, CPAs and lawyers) because as they say they ‘already pay for his second home in Barbados.’

You know that part of the reason tipping is structured into our culture? Because white people along time ago loved feeling like they were doing something for somebody above and beyond. They love that feeling more than anything else in the world.

And… it’s a win/win because it just so happens that those on the receiving end of the tips are people in a lower status. They can unload some of their white guilt and at the same time gain feelings of power. It’s really brilliant, actually. We just need to use it for our purposes.

So here’s your proposal. You add a federal Income tax tip bracket. You make these ‘tips’ visible to the public. I’ve already talked to Buffett

Obama: How are you in contact with Buffett? In Colombia?

Nola: Oh, O, there are a lot of things you don’t know about Buffett. Anyways– he’s on board. Once he starts tipping on his taxes – and twatting about the TWATs , they’ll all start tipping on their taxes. The one thing the richies can’t stand is for someone to tip more than them. You know Steve Wynn will ask his accountant ‘how much did Forbes tip on his taxes’ It’s just in their nature.

Obama: I can’t thank you enough. When are you coming back?

Nola: Not sure O, not sure. I’m rather enjoying this gig. I’m learning a lot about how to overthrow a government.

Obama: Nola!

Nola: Relax, in 2012 you’re going to thank me because you’re not getting reelected.

Obama: I think it’s up to the people.

Nola: That’s actually the problem.

Obama: Anyway, thanks so much my Sweet, Pretty, Young Nola. Anything else that could help my chances in 2012?

Nola: You have to push for Universal Healthcare. I know, I know you think the people hate it. But listen, you aren’t selling it right. What you need to do is present it to the folks like this: Universal healthcare means filling out only one New Patient form – ever. If that don’t get the old folks along for the ride I don’t what could. Ciao for now Comrade.

(radio voice) Let’s get back to soft hits with Nola ‘the kidnapped-love doctor’ Shumway.

Nola: Has your love been kidnapped by rebel guerilla forces? Are you missing your government sympathizer tonight? Come down and send them a message tonight on Kidnap Radio Bogota. (looks at pic of kidnap victim) I mean this guy just has the face of a hostage you know.

Back at the Oval office:

Barack: Get Carney in here. And get me the VP.

William Daley: Biden? I haven’t seen him in months.

Barack: Not Biden you idiot, my veto pen. We’re taking this thing back. Oh, and go get Boehner’s briefcase, I’ve got to get a couple of things out of it. And Daley?

Daley: yes, O?

Barack: Prepare the Lincoln bedroom, I suspect Nola will be around soon.

A Whale of a Tale Part 1: frivolous law, wool suits, and Wolf.

We join our sweet, pretty young Nola inside the 11th circuit district courthouse, in Miami Dade Florida.

Bailiff: The honorable Judge Sauls now presides. Please stand.

Nola: (to client) It’s fine if you just stay put. And actually, if you could just move as little as possible, this wool suit is a mess if it gets wet.

Judge Sauls: Aww, Nola Shumway, such a pleasure seeing you again. Haven’t seen you since-

Nola: -Two thousand. Recount.  Chads.

Judge: Is Al-

Nola: -Still bitter?

Judge: (chuckling) Come on, he can’t still be upset.

Nola: Upset, no, not upset. He’s totally over it.

Judge: Great. Let’s get started. Before we begin lets settle the costs incurred to be here. Nola, have you any expenses you wish to recoup by means of lawsuit this morning.

Nola: Yes, your honor, on the way in this morning I bought a Trip-Vent-Skinny-3pump-Mo. And I would like to sue the Starbucks on Flagler and SW Miami.

Judge: On what grounds?

Nola: Coarse, your honor. I believe the coffee was ground in a coarse manner causing the pleasure of drinking it to go down a substantial amount. Substantial enough to represent a monetary amount of $4.80.

Judge: Awarded. Anything else?

Nola: Yes, $25.00 for parking.

Judge: Validated.

Judge: Does the prosecutor have anything?

Nola: (to herself) I smell a Twart. (Looks at her phone) Aha moment!!

Prosecutor Rundle: Um, (looking up from phone) No, I’m good.

Nola: She was Twatting! (Holds up phone)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nola: You should hold her in content of court!

Prosecutor Rundle: That’s contempt, you little girl.

Nola: No, content. I’ve read your Twats. Someone should sue you. In fact, Judge, may I approach the wench?

Judge: You may not, we’re moving on with the real matter at hand: The State and Sea World VS Till-ee-kills-um.

(Snickering from Prosecution side)

Nola: Objection! We know the name is Tilikum. That is an obvious attempt to sway the voters.

Judge: Nola. In this courthouse, you will refer to them as jurors.

Nola glances over at jurors…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Judge Sauls: We’ll begin with opening arguments. We start with the Prosecution.

Prosecutor Rundle: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

Let us cut to CNN….

Wolf: Hello everybody, on this afternoon of firsts. For the first time ever an animal will stand trial for murder. Thankfully the judge has allowed cameras into the courtroom so we’ll be able to follow every detail as it is presented. Also, for the very first time ever, you at home will have a say in the outcome of the trial! To explain how it works I’ll turn you over to my lovely co host, Nancy Grace. Nancy?

Nancy: Wolf, wolf, wolf. Hahaha. Okay, listen this is how it’s gonna work. Who knows the judicial system better than your ordinary, plain citizens at home? Who? No one! That’s who! So, at the bottom of the screen we’ll be interrupting our previous interruptions with a number to text your vote to. What are ya’ll  voting on? All sorts of stuff. For instance right now, (looking at a CNN screen) the question at the bottom says “are you over the prosecutor’s opening statement’? If yes text 01 to 88991. If no text 02 to 88991.

Let us cut back to the Courthouse….

Prosecutor Rundle: And, I also would like to point out the facts-

Producer: (waving his arms behind a camera at prosecutor) you’re done! You’re done! Stop talking! Stop talking!

Prosecutor Rundle: Your honor, I rest my opening argument.

Judge Sauls: Let us now hear from the defense.

Nola: Yes. (Gets out her ‘In Memory of Harvey Milk crate and stands on it) Injustice! Injustice! (Throws herself on the ground, kicking and screaming) I want to win! This isn’t fair! I want my bottle! (Bailiff hands Nola a baby bottle) No, you idiot, my Vodka bottle! (Screaming and crying)

Judge Sauls: Nola!

Nola: (looks up) yes?

Judge Sauls: Is this your opening statement?

Nola:  It’s how I became state debate champion in Illinois.

Judge Sauls: Get up.

Nola: Fine. Defense rests. Literally. I’m tuckered. I’ll be snoozing with Tili. Wake me when you need us. Or chowtime. (Runs and jumps up on Judges bench, pulls a knife from her boot, holds it to his throat) BUT… NOT… BEFORE. (Climbs down, sits back in her seat, puts her head down and starts to snore)

Prosecutor Rundle: Your honor, for our first witness, the state calls head of Cnn breaking news programming.

Nola: ZzZzZ

Man comes over with stack of books and begins the swearing in process:

 

 

 

 

 

 

45 minutes later……

Prosecutor Rundle: Please state your name for the court.

Cnn guy: My name is Cnn, Guy. Guy Cnn.

Prosecutor Rundle: Guy, I’m going to play back a video for you and I want you to tell me what you see.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cnn guy: It’s a whale. Sitting in a pool.

Nola: (shouts) Objection. Your honor a whale cannot ‘sit’ in a pool.

Judge Sauls: Overruled.

Nola: Come on…

Judge Sauls: Nola, the whale is clearly sitting, in a chair, next to you.

 Nola looks over at Tilikum. Reaches into her bucket o fish, throws one into his mouth and sits down.

Nola: You’re right. Proceed. (Goes back to her nap)

Judge Sauls: Nola! I say proceed! (pause) Proceed.

Nola: ZzZzZ

Prosecutor Rundle: And on the day in question what did you see?

Cnn guy: Um, well nothing. I mean, we knew that the whale killed the trainer.

Prosecutor Rundle: Yes because you saw this tape. I’m going to play it again. Anything else you noticed?

Nola: ZzZzZ

Cnn guy: No, I mean, we just knew that the Killer whale-

Nola: (jumps up out of her slumber) Objection! Alleged Killer Whale. Ah-ledge-jid! Witness is swaying the voters.

Judge Sauls: Sustained. You will refer the defendant as the alleged Killer whale.

 Prosecutor Rundle: If I could, play this tape a few hundred times. I think then we’ll get the idea. (two hours of replaying tape sitting in the pool) Yes, you see the whale is sitting in the pool. And this is after the attack (pause) alleged attack. And we start to see the picture. It gets clearer as you keep watching. This alleged Killer whale savagely and mercilessly killed this beautiful young trainer who was full of life. Isn’t that what this video, which you so bravely and dutifully showed to the public for hours on end, shows?

Cnn guy: Um, no, well like I was saying, we knew that the whale had (glances at Nola who makes a throat slicing motion toward him) um, allegedly killed the trainer. The video we put on loop because we didn’t really have anything else to do.

Prosecutor Rundle: (to tea party jurors) Be-cause they did-n’t have any-thing else… to…. Do. The despair, of this network. The trauma. (Prosecutor’s aide/make up artist tugs on her pant leg)

Prosecutor’s aide: Um, we’re trying the whale for murder, you’re off track. And shiny. Blot.

Prosecutor Rundle: Oh, yeah. Um, so the whale did it. Prosecution rests.

Let us now Cut back to Cnn for more late breaking news

Wolf: Wow, well, the prosecution makes a strong case. I guess it’s up to the defense to save the whale. Nancy, I understand you have some polling numbers.

Nancy Grace: Wolf, wolf, wolf. Let me just say this nation is full of armchair lawyers. 53%, a huge majority of our viewers think the whale made a huge mistake in taking Nola Shumway as counsel. We’ll see what this little eight year old has up her sleeve, but I gotta tell you Wolf in all my 9 months as a trial lawyer, I gotta say, I’ve never seen a more open and shut case. The viewers agree. I call this for the prosecution.

(Her cell rings)

Nancy:  Oh, hello Nola. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Ha-ha. Yeah. (hangs up) Well Wolf, that was Nola. We have a bet. If she wins this one I have to throw my babies off the Brooklyn Bridge. Ha-ha. Funny. Wolf, back to you.

Let us cut back to the courthouse

Judge Sauls: We’re going to take a break. Court will adjourn for a 15 minute status update break.  

To be continued………

Whale of a Tale Part 2: The defense calls…

Let us rejoin the  courthouse:

Judge: Defense.

Nola: ZzZzZ

Judge: Defense!

Nola: (waking up from her deep slumber, confused) What…Huh… Are you my mother?

Whale: MUUUU. MUUUUUUU. MUUUUUUU.

Nola: What? I don’t speak whale. (to the judge) Does the court reporter speak whale?

Court Reporter: Que?

Nola: Never mind.

She pulls out her Idon’tPhone and babelmammals the text:

 

Nola: Oh, we’re up. Sweet.  Cnn guy! Yes, question, (pulls out two pictures and shows to the visit) Can you tell the difference between these two people?

Cnn guy: No.

Nola: Tea partiers, note the witness cannot tell these two apart. Defense exhibit A and B. One picture of Kathy Rundle looks just the same as one picture of Katherine Harris. (Nola walks to her table, and high fives Al Gore, who has been sitting quietly the whole time.)

Nola: I’m done with this witness. Get him out of my sight. I would like to call my first witness! (To Al) Cue the music.

Lady Gaga’s instrumental of Bad Romance begins to play it. Over it a Tiger’s roar. The lights dim, the court doors fly open and in walks Montecore

Music: Rawr Rawr, Rawr Rawr Rawr, Rawr Rawr, RawrRawrRawrrrrr, Rawr Rawr, RawrRawrRawrrrrrr

After twenty five laps inside the witness stand, Montecore settles in and sits down

Nola: Hello Kittay! (They air kiss on both cheeks) Muah. Muah. Lovely to see you.

Montecore: Hey girl.

Nola: So, you were raised in captivity?

Montecore: Ohmagawd girl, you already know that. You’ve been to my house like a million times.

Nola: Monte, we’re in court. (whispers) you gotta pretend we aren’t beasties.

Montecore: Oh, gotcha. (loudly) No, we never met before. (winks)

Nola: Again, you were raised in captivity?

Montecore: Yeah.

Nola: By Siegfried and Roy?

Montecore: Yeah, sugar, they were my daddays.

Nola: What happened on Oct 2003?

Montecore: Sugarnipslooook,Im gonna be straight wich chew. There was this tacky ass bitch in like the fifth row, andshewasalllikewhisperingovertoherfriendlike ‘ya’ll see that half black Tiger?’ AndIwaslikeoohmygawd,didshejustsaythatlikeRoyI’mgonnabitethatbeetch.AndhewasalllikenoMoMo Vie hav to do sie show. And so then I don’t know, like you like when you get a feelin’ you know and you just can’t control yourself, I just ripped into Roy’s neck. And plus I was pissed at Roy.

Judge: I’m sorry, can the court reporter read that back slowly?  I think we missed some of that.

Court Reporter: Shugar neeps luke. Im go-nah be straight wich chew. Dare was dees tacky

Judge: Stop! Do we have a translator for the court reporter? Nevermind. (to Montecore) please speak slowly.

Montecore: Okay because sometimes when I get dee nerves I speak fast.

Judge: Well breathe. Proceed Nola.

Nola: So why did you try to rip Roy’s face off?

Montecore: Because he was prrr prrr hitting prrr prrr me a lot and stuff like that.

Nola: Can you describe his penis?

Prosecutor: Objection! Leading!

Nola: I’m trying to establish a pattern of sexual abuse endured by the witness at the hands of his captor.

Judge: he never said anything about sexual abuse.

Nola: No, he didn’t, (motioning to the jury) but they heard it. False seeds produce true fruits. Right?

Nola high fives Montecore

Judge: Medic!

Nola: (licking the blood from her hand) I’m fine, I’m fine. Geesh. (winks) Defense is finished with this gorgeous witness. (pause)  Ladies and gentleman of the jury, let the record show that this animal snapped after suffering years of abuse. Abuse, that the For Now United States of America condoned by allowing this sexual act to go on.

Judge: Nola.

Nola: What? I’ve seen their act your honor, it’s very homo erotic. Middle America loves it.

Judge: Prosecution?

Prosecutor: Yes, your honor. On that note,  Montecore, do you think the fact that you were raised by gay parents had a lot to do with your behavior?

Montecore: No, biotch, I think the fact that IM A FUCKING TIGER HAD A LOT TO DO WITH MY BEHAVIOR! If someone don’t geet these beetch outta my face.

Prosecutor: You may step down.

Montecore leaves

Music: RAwr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr…….

Nola: Your honor, for my next witness I’d like to call Steven H Chimp, brother to deceased chimp Travis.

Steven H Chimp enters the courthouse, swears on all 20 forms of religious articles and then takes a seat

Nola: Hi Steven. Can you tell us a bit about your brother Travis.

Steven: Um, well, until that bitch Sandra started medicating him he was a nice enough guy. He was always a little strange, you know, growing up the way he did. But then when he started that anxiety medication, it was like a bomb went off inside of him. So, one day, he just went crazy and ripped that lady’s face off.

Nola: (holds up a picture of a lady) Steven, can you tell me what this looks like to you?

Steven: It looks like a woman who has had her face ripped off by a monkey.

Nola: It does. And, can you tell me who this woman is?

Steven: It’s the prosecutor.

Nola: It is…She is ugly, isn’t she?

Steven: Yeah, she’s pretty ugly. (he poos and then flings it at her)

Nola: Hahahahaha. Hahahaha. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha.

The courtroom erupts with laughter

Judge: Order! Order in the court!

Nola jumps up on the judge’s bench

Nola: Cheeseburger and fries please.

Judge: If I get a side of onion rings will you split them with me?

Nola: Sure!

Prosecutor: Objection! Why do we always eat where she wants to eat?

Nola: Because I’m cute.

Judge: Sustained.

Nola:  Okay. Back to my case. Jury, I think what this witness is trying to convey is that his brother suffered abuse at the hands of his capture. His only recourse was to rip the face off the prosecutor.

Prosecutor: Objection! Defense threatens!

Judge: Sustained. Counsel, watch yourself.

Nola: Fine. Sufferin Succotash you people are so serious. Defense calls Sea World penguins to the stand.

45 minutes after a line of penguins marches into the courtroom, Nola begins her examination

Nola: You suffer from claustrophobia, true?

Penguin: Yep.

Nola: Your honor, I’d like to play a video now for the court. Penguin number 1, what do you see on this video?

Penguin: (Opens his beak)

Nola: (interrupting) yes, that’s me! Genius wasn’t it? Best way to outsource your own protest is to show up to an immigration protest. Those darn illegals, they had no idea what those signs I gave them even said.

Let us cut to KCal newscast about protest at City Hall:

‘Hi, I’m Rick Garcia. (Chuckles) Seems some people got mixed up about what they were protesting down at city hall today. Ha-ha. Let’s cut to the video.

Let us cut back to the courtroom:

Nola: (to the jury) Do you see the pattern that is developing? Innocent wild animals forced to live in captivity and treated awfully. Penguins, you may step down.

In the meantime Nola has had the entrance to the stand sprayed down with snow, so that as the penguins leave the stand they flop on their bellies and slide out.

2 minutes later:

Nola: Your honor, defense calls its final witness, Steve Irwin’s crocodile. Now obviously, in interest of keeping the court safe, we’ve had to tie his mouth shut, so he’d like me to read a statement:

Dearest esteemed court, and members of the tea party jury,

My name is Crocodile. I was one of the crocodiles used during the filming of the ‘Crocodile Hunter’ Let it be known that during filming I was never compensated, I had to go without meals, and I was continuously harassed by Mr. Irwin and his offspring.  I don’t wish to go into details, but those were the most painful years of my life.

Sincerely,

Crocodile

(Nola puts away the paper and addresses the Judge)

Nola: Your honor, the defense takes a nap. Croc, you may step down.

Judge: Okay, well let’s recess and start with closing statements in the morning.

Prosecutor: (leaps out of her chair) Hold it! Prosecution calls rebuttal witness to the stand.

Nola: Huh? The croc had me read a statement. You wouldn’t even let him open his jaw. Who could possibly have anything to say about his testimony?

Prosecutor: Prosecution calls Stingray to the stand.

Court gasps….

Judge: Order! Give me my order!

Nola: Your honor, I need a moment to interfere on behalf of my client.

To be continued….

Whale of a Tale Part 3: Wingslaps, Whale tale high fives and double dutch.

We return to the third and final installment of Whale of a Tale:

StingRay is placed on the stand and the swearing-in books are placed in his tank.

 Just as he is about to place his barb on the books the Judge interrupts –

Judge: Witness may proceed without swearing in.

Prosecutor Rundle: StingRay.

StingRay: Gooday.

Prosecutor Rundle: Care to tell us how it is that you came to kill Steve Irwin?

StingRay: Alright, sure, mate. That croc over there ‘proached me to do a deal. Said he needed to get rid of that crikey white devil. Said he pay me ten squid to off him. So that’s what I did.

Prosecutor Rundle: No further questions.

Judge: Defense.

Nola: Sting Ray Can you tell me which of these two is the croc that approached you about murdering Steve Irwin?

StingRay: The one on the left.

Nola: You’re positive?

StingRay: I’m positive.

Nola: (to jury) Let the record show witness has admitted to being HIV positive and also that he is sure that the ‘croc’ on the left is the one he spoke too.

Prosecutor Rundle: Objection! Defense is salamandering the witness.

Nola: Fine. I strike my statement. Let the record show witness denies being HIV positive and believes that the croc on the left is the croc he spoke with.

Prosecutor Rundle: Oh Jesus! I give up!

Nola: Let the record show that both of these pictures are in fact of the same…. Alligator!

Court gasps!

Nola: Witness can’t tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile! Remove him.

StingRay slaps Nola across the face with his wing. She flies across the room, hits the wall slides to the floor, gets up and takes her seat next to the ‘Alleged’ Killer Whale.

Judge: Closing statements. Prosecution?

Prosecutor Rundle stands at her table and addresses the jury –

Prosecutor Rundle: I need a drink.

Judge: Very well. Defense?

Nola throws herself on the ground and goes on a fifteen minute tantrum

Nola: I don’t wanna- it’s not fair, you can’t make me… waaaa…. Waaa. And another thing…. I don’t wanna… It isn’t fair!

Fifteen minutes later

Nola: (rolling around on the floor) I don’t think it’s fair! I don’t wanna!

Judge: Nola.

Nola: But it’s not fair! I don’t wanna!

Prosecutor Rundle: This is childish even for a child. I can’t believe I’m here.

Judge: NOLA!

Nola: Yes?

Judge: I think we get it.

Nola: Great. I’ll be outside playing double dutch with the homeless. (She skips out) Lalala lalala lalala….

Judge: Jury, please remove yourselves to deliberate.

Let us now cut to CNN

Nancy Grace: Well Wolf, the texts just keep on comin’ in and I’d say our little Miss Nola is going to have to put up a big fat L on her forehead because the case that the prosecution presented was just too much to argue with. Who can argue with ‘I need a drink’, who? I certainly couldn’t. It looks like I’m not going to get to throw my babies off the Brooklyn Bridge after all.

Wolf: You meant to say have – right? You meant to say you weren’t going to have to throw your babies over the Brooklyn Bridge. Right?

Nancy: (throws her head back) Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha! Ha! Yes of course. (All of a sudden very serious) Let’s cut to the deliberation of the jury. For the first time ever we’ve been granted permission to listen in as the jury deliberates. Listen carefully to hear your concerned citizens fulfill their civic duty.

 

Nancy: Well Wolf, it looks like they are really getting into the bones of the case and really trying to get at the heart of the matter.

Wolf: I’ll be honest Nancy; I just heard a lot of crazy rambling.

Judge: Tea Party Jury, you have come to a verdict?

Tea Party Foreman: We have your honor- and may I just say that you were and only granted the power to preside over these hearings by the greatest document known to any man on any planet – The Constitution – and so you think you have the power but the true power lies in the people.

Judge: Just shut the fuck up and read the verdict.

Tea Party Foreman: Yes sir. We the jury felt that the defendant was guilty –

Nola looks down at phone

Tea Party foreman: – But then we couldin’ really agree on as to why we thought the whale was guilty so then we come up wit the solution that the whale wasn’t guilty but the victim. We think. So we find for the defendant.

Nola: Your honor, in light of the recent finding defendant asks that Sea World and furthermore the state of Florida to pay for all legal fees incurred during this trial.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: Defendant wishes to be immediately released into the wild and citing the ruling Keenan VS Butler in which the victim was given the property of the perpetrator’s compound, we ask that Bristol Bay be awarded to the Whales as a sanctuary.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: In the legal document I just filed two seconds ago through Legal Zoom, the crocodiles have filed a suit against the Federal Government for not protecting them against immigrants, namely and most specifically Steve Irwin and that creepy little daughter of his.  The crocodiles ask that compensation be paid with the immediate take over by said crocodiles of every swamp and marsh land in the America.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: On behalf of Siegfried and Roy’s Tiger, on the grounds that Montecore and many other cats were held against their will and humiliated for years we ask that the Federal Government promptly invade Africa and give it to the Tigers.

Montecore: Aw, hell no I ain’t going back to Africa. Get my ass a floor at Aria.

Nola: Motion to strike last request.

Judge: granted.

Nola: Defense instead asks that in regards to the Tiger, the Federal Government allow my Russian boyfriend to strong-arm the Vegas Casino and hotel Aria to allow for immediate accommodation of said upper level penthouse for Montecore as long as he or his heirs shall live.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: (Takes out Milk crate) and another thing! Let the record show that on this day, this administration’s littlest aide, has introduced a bill which will, with my boyfriend’s money, and frankly my boyfriend’s threats, be pushed through Congress and the Senate quickly, this bill called the Animal Rights Act of 2010 says that as long as  animals display signs of intelligence that surpass their human counterparts:

Nola: Then animals shall be given the same rights to freedom as all persons. Animals will no longer be used as entertainment or as slaves. And if you do use said animals for entertainment or as slaves, let it be known that this administration will come after you with the full force of our rewritten powers. And we’re going to take back what is owed to the animals; they’re environment. And we isn’t gonna quit until that whole fucking environment belongs to them again. Thank you from Florida, goodnight.

Nola high fives Al Gore

Formerly accused Killer Whale high fives Nola with his tail and sends her flying across the room. Nola it’s the wall and slides down to the floor. She looks down at her phone