Tag Archives: nancy Grace

A Whale of a Tale Part 1: frivolous law, wool suits, and Wolf.

We join our sweet, pretty young Nola inside the 11th circuit district courthouse, in Miami Dade Florida.

Bailiff: The honorable Judge Sauls now presides. Please stand.

Nola: (to client) It’s fine if you just stay put. And actually, if you could just move as little as possible, this wool suit is a mess if it gets wet.

Judge Sauls: Aww, Nola Shumway, such a pleasure seeing you again. Haven’t seen you since-

Nola: -Two thousand. Recount.  Chads.

Judge: Is Al-

Nola: -Still bitter?

Judge: (chuckling) Come on, he can’t still be upset.

Nola: Upset, no, not upset. He’s totally over it.

Judge: Great. Let’s get started. Before we begin lets settle the costs incurred to be here. Nola, have you any expenses you wish to recoup by means of lawsuit this morning.

Nola: Yes, your honor, on the way in this morning I bought a Trip-Vent-Skinny-3pump-Mo. And I would like to sue the Starbucks on Flagler and SW Miami.

Judge: On what grounds?

Nola: Coarse, your honor. I believe the coffee was ground in a coarse manner causing the pleasure of drinking it to go down a substantial amount. Substantial enough to represent a monetary amount of $4.80.

Judge: Awarded. Anything else?

Nola: Yes, $25.00 for parking.

Judge: Validated.

Judge: Does the prosecutor have anything?

Nola: (to herself) I smell a Twart. (Looks at her phone) Aha moment!!

Prosecutor Rundle: Um, (looking up from phone) No, I’m good.

Nola: She was Twatting! (Holds up phone)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nola: You should hold her in content of court!

Prosecutor Rundle: That’s contempt, you little girl.

Nola: No, content. I’ve read your Twats. Someone should sue you. In fact, Judge, may I approach the wench?

Judge: You may not, we’re moving on with the real matter at hand: The State and Sea World VS Till-ee-kills-um.

(Snickering from Prosecution side)

Nola: Objection! We know the name is Tilikum. That is an obvious attempt to sway the voters.

Judge: Nola. In this courthouse, you will refer to them as jurors.

Nola glances over at jurors…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Judge Sauls: We’ll begin with opening arguments. We start with the Prosecution.

Prosecutor Rundle: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

Let us cut to CNN….

Wolf: Hello everybody, on this afternoon of firsts. For the first time ever an animal will stand trial for murder. Thankfully the judge has allowed cameras into the courtroom so we’ll be able to follow every detail as it is presented. Also, for the very first time ever, you at home will have a say in the outcome of the trial! To explain how it works I’ll turn you over to my lovely co host, Nancy Grace. Nancy?

Nancy: Wolf, wolf, wolf. Hahaha. Okay, listen this is how it’s gonna work. Who knows the judicial system better than your ordinary, plain citizens at home? Who? No one! That’s who! So, at the bottom of the screen we’ll be interrupting our previous interruptions with a number to text your vote to. What are ya’ll  voting on? All sorts of stuff. For instance right now, (looking at a CNN screen) the question at the bottom says “are you over the prosecutor’s opening statement’? If yes text 01 to 88991. If no text 02 to 88991.

Let us cut back to the Courthouse….

Prosecutor Rundle: And, I also would like to point out the facts-

Producer: (waving his arms behind a camera at prosecutor) you’re done! You’re done! Stop talking! Stop talking!

Prosecutor Rundle: Your honor, I rest my opening argument.

Judge Sauls: Let us now hear from the defense.

Nola: Yes. (Gets out her ‘In Memory of Harvey Milk crate and stands on it) Injustice! Injustice! (Throws herself on the ground, kicking and screaming) I want to win! This isn’t fair! I want my bottle! (Bailiff hands Nola a baby bottle) No, you idiot, my Vodka bottle! (Screaming and crying)

Judge Sauls: Nola!

Nola: (looks up) yes?

Judge Sauls: Is this your opening statement?

Nola:  It’s how I became state debate champion in Illinois.

Judge Sauls: Get up.

Nola: Fine. Defense rests. Literally. I’m tuckered. I’ll be snoozing with Tili. Wake me when you need us. Or chowtime. (Runs and jumps up on Judges bench, pulls a knife from her boot, holds it to his throat) BUT… NOT… BEFORE. (Climbs down, sits back in her seat, puts her head down and starts to snore)

Prosecutor Rundle: Your honor, for our first witness, the state calls head of Cnn breaking news programming.

Nola: ZzZzZ

Man comes over with stack of books and begins the swearing in process:

 

 

 

 

 

 

45 minutes later……

Prosecutor Rundle: Please state your name for the court.

Cnn guy: My name is Cnn, Guy. Guy Cnn.

Prosecutor Rundle: Guy, I’m going to play back a video for you and I want you to tell me what you see.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cnn guy: It’s a whale. Sitting in a pool.

Nola: (shouts) Objection. Your honor a whale cannot ‘sit’ in a pool.

Judge Sauls: Overruled.

Nola: Come on…

Judge Sauls: Nola, the whale is clearly sitting, in a chair, next to you.

 Nola looks over at Tilikum. Reaches into her bucket o fish, throws one into his mouth and sits down.

Nola: You’re right. Proceed. (Goes back to her nap)

Judge Sauls: Nola! I say proceed! (pause) Proceed.

Nola: ZzZzZ

Prosecutor Rundle: And on the day in question what did you see?

Cnn guy: Um, well nothing. I mean, we knew that the whale killed the trainer.

Prosecutor Rundle: Yes because you saw this tape. I’m going to play it again. Anything else you noticed?

Nola: ZzZzZ

Cnn guy: No, I mean, we just knew that the Killer whale-

Nola: (jumps up out of her slumber) Objection! Alleged Killer Whale. Ah-ledge-jid! Witness is swaying the voters.

Judge Sauls: Sustained. You will refer the defendant as the alleged Killer whale.

 Prosecutor Rundle: If I could, play this tape a few hundred times. I think then we’ll get the idea. (two hours of replaying tape sitting in the pool) Yes, you see the whale is sitting in the pool. And this is after the attack (pause) alleged attack. And we start to see the picture. It gets clearer as you keep watching. This alleged Killer whale savagely and mercilessly killed this beautiful young trainer who was full of life. Isn’t that what this video, which you so bravely and dutifully showed to the public for hours on end, shows?

Cnn guy: Um, no, well like I was saying, we knew that the whale had (glances at Nola who makes a throat slicing motion toward him) um, allegedly killed the trainer. The video we put on loop because we didn’t really have anything else to do.

Prosecutor Rundle: (to tea party jurors) Be-cause they did-n’t have any-thing else… to…. Do. The despair, of this network. The trauma. (Prosecutor’s aide/make up artist tugs on her pant leg)

Prosecutor’s aide: Um, we’re trying the whale for murder, you’re off track. And shiny. Blot.

Prosecutor Rundle: Oh, yeah. Um, so the whale did it. Prosecution rests.

Let us now Cut back to Cnn for more late breaking news

Wolf: Wow, well, the prosecution makes a strong case. I guess it’s up to the defense to save the whale. Nancy, I understand you have some polling numbers.

Nancy Grace: Wolf, wolf, wolf. Let me just say this nation is full of armchair lawyers. 53%, a huge majority of our viewers think the whale made a huge mistake in taking Nola Shumway as counsel. We’ll see what this little eight year old has up her sleeve, but I gotta tell you Wolf in all my 9 months as a trial lawyer, I gotta say, I’ve never seen a more open and shut case. The viewers agree. I call this for the prosecution.

(Her cell rings)

Nancy:  Oh, hello Nola. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Ha-ha. Yeah. (hangs up) Well Wolf, that was Nola. We have a bet. If she wins this one I have to throw my babies off the Brooklyn Bridge. Ha-ha. Funny. Wolf, back to you.

Let us cut back to the courthouse

Judge Sauls: We’re going to take a break. Court will adjourn for a 15 minute status update break.  

To be continued………

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Whale of a Tale Part 3: Wingslaps, Whale tale high fives and double dutch.

We return to the third and final installment of Whale of a Tale:

StingRay is placed on the stand and the swearing-in books are placed in his tank.

 Just as he is about to place his barb on the books the Judge interrupts –

Judge: Witness may proceed without swearing in.

Prosecutor Rundle: StingRay.

StingRay: Gooday.

Prosecutor Rundle: Care to tell us how it is that you came to kill Steve Irwin?

StingRay: Alright, sure, mate. That croc over there ‘proached me to do a deal. Said he needed to get rid of that crikey white devil. Said he pay me ten squid to off him. So that’s what I did.

Prosecutor Rundle: No further questions.

Judge: Defense.

Nola: Sting Ray Can you tell me which of these two is the croc that approached you about murdering Steve Irwin?

StingRay: The one on the left.

Nola: You’re positive?

StingRay: I’m positive.

Nola: (to jury) Let the record show witness has admitted to being HIV positive and also that he is sure that the ‘croc’ on the left is the one he spoke too.

Prosecutor Rundle: Objection! Defense is salamandering the witness.

Nola: Fine. I strike my statement. Let the record show witness denies being HIV positive and believes that the croc on the left is the croc he spoke with.

Prosecutor Rundle: Oh Jesus! I give up!

Nola: Let the record show that both of these pictures are in fact of the same…. Alligator!

Court gasps!

Nola: Witness can’t tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile! Remove him.

StingRay slaps Nola across the face with his wing. She flies across the room, hits the wall slides to the floor, gets up and takes her seat next to the ‘Alleged’ Killer Whale.

Judge: Closing statements. Prosecution?

Prosecutor Rundle stands at her table and addresses the jury –

Prosecutor Rundle: I need a drink.

Judge: Very well. Defense?

Nola throws herself on the ground and goes on a fifteen minute tantrum

Nola: I don’t wanna- it’s not fair, you can’t make me… waaaa…. Waaa. And another thing…. I don’t wanna… It isn’t fair!

Fifteen minutes later

Nola: (rolling around on the floor) I don’t think it’s fair! I don’t wanna!

Judge: Nola.

Nola: But it’s not fair! I don’t wanna!

Prosecutor Rundle: This is childish even for a child. I can’t believe I’m here.

Judge: NOLA!

Nola: Yes?

Judge: I think we get it.

Nola: Great. I’ll be outside playing double dutch with the homeless. (She skips out) Lalala lalala lalala….

Judge: Jury, please remove yourselves to deliberate.

Let us now cut to CNN

Nancy Grace: Well Wolf, the texts just keep on comin’ in and I’d say our little Miss Nola is going to have to put up a big fat L on her forehead because the case that the prosecution presented was just too much to argue with. Who can argue with ‘I need a drink’, who? I certainly couldn’t. It looks like I’m not going to get to throw my babies off the Brooklyn Bridge after all.

Wolf: You meant to say have – right? You meant to say you weren’t going to have to throw your babies over the Brooklyn Bridge. Right?

Nancy: (throws her head back) Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha! Ha! Yes of course. (All of a sudden very serious) Let’s cut to the deliberation of the jury. For the first time ever we’ve been granted permission to listen in as the jury deliberates. Listen carefully to hear your concerned citizens fulfill their civic duty.

 

Nancy: Well Wolf, it looks like they are really getting into the bones of the case and really trying to get at the heart of the matter.

Wolf: I’ll be honest Nancy; I just heard a lot of crazy rambling.

Judge: Tea Party Jury, you have come to a verdict?

Tea Party Foreman: We have your honor- and may I just say that you were and only granted the power to preside over these hearings by the greatest document known to any man on any planet – The Constitution – and so you think you have the power but the true power lies in the people.

Judge: Just shut the fuck up and read the verdict.

Tea Party Foreman: Yes sir. We the jury felt that the defendant was guilty –

Nola looks down at phone

Tea Party foreman: – But then we couldin’ really agree on as to why we thought the whale was guilty so then we come up wit the solution that the whale wasn’t guilty but the victim. We think. So we find for the defendant.

Nola: Your honor, in light of the recent finding defendant asks that Sea World and furthermore the state of Florida to pay for all legal fees incurred during this trial.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: Defendant wishes to be immediately released into the wild and citing the ruling Keenan VS Butler in which the victim was given the property of the perpetrator’s compound, we ask that Bristol Bay be awarded to the Whales as a sanctuary.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: In the legal document I just filed two seconds ago through Legal Zoom, the crocodiles have filed a suit against the Federal Government for not protecting them against immigrants, namely and most specifically Steve Irwin and that creepy little daughter of his.  The crocodiles ask that compensation be paid with the immediate take over by said crocodiles of every swamp and marsh land in the America.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: On behalf of Siegfried and Roy’s Tiger, on the grounds that Montecore and many other cats were held against their will and humiliated for years we ask that the Federal Government promptly invade Africa and give it to the Tigers.

Montecore: Aw, hell no I ain’t going back to Africa. Get my ass a floor at Aria.

Nola: Motion to strike last request.

Judge: granted.

Nola: Defense instead asks that in regards to the Tiger, the Federal Government allow my Russian boyfriend to strong-arm the Vegas Casino and hotel Aria to allow for immediate accommodation of said upper level penthouse for Montecore as long as he or his heirs shall live.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: (Takes out Milk crate) and another thing! Let the record show that on this day, this administration’s littlest aide, has introduced a bill which will, with my boyfriend’s money, and frankly my boyfriend’s threats, be pushed through Congress and the Senate quickly, this bill called the Animal Rights Act of 2010 says that as long as  animals display signs of intelligence that surpass their human counterparts:

Nola: Then animals shall be given the same rights to freedom as all persons. Animals will no longer be used as entertainment or as slaves. And if you do use said animals for entertainment or as slaves, let it be known that this administration will come after you with the full force of our rewritten powers. And we’re going to take back what is owed to the animals; they’re environment. And we isn’t gonna quit until that whole fucking environment belongs to them again. Thank you from Florida, goodnight.

Nola high fives Al Gore

Formerly accused Killer Whale high fives Nola with his tail and sends her flying across the room. Nola it’s the wall and slides down to the floor. She looks down at her phone