Tag Archives: Middle East

Nola Shumway: Purge and Ac-Quisitions Specialist

A cave, somewhere in (redacted for security purpose). Self-described Secretary Of State Nola Shumway is being led to a small room. She is blindfolded and wearing her BurqAlaïa. She is sat down in a chair. Enter a man that could be 1. An extra on Homeland when they film in Israel but it is supposed to be Lebanon or 2. A leader of Al-Qaeda. He is reading a book ‘How To Win Friends and Influence People’

Al-Jazeera: (just kidding, that’s a news station. Gotcha!)

Al- Atosis: Take off the fataah’s blindfold.

Nola: If you just called me fat I swear to G  – Allah I will drop a drone guided missile on your mother’s house. I kid! I kid! We already did that.

Nola takes her blindfold off.

Nola: First I would like to start this meeting off by saying I would rather be raped than beheaded. Just throwing it out there.

Al- Atosis: Hahahahaha. (To Al-Anon) I like this one. No raping. I wouldn’t lie down with you filthy infidel.

Nola: Am I going to be beheaded?

Al- Atosis: This is the problem with you infidels; you think all we do is rape or behead.

Nola: And blow things up and crash things into buildings. Yes, that is pretty much my working knowledge. Also, you make really cheesy propaganda videos.

Al-Atosis: We are so much more than that and this is precisely the reason we brought you here. Al-Anon (he waves) has been watching you. We are very interested in what you can do for us. Please listen.

Nola: What exactly can I help you with?

AL-Atosis: What are your thoughts about Al-Qaeda?

Nola: Disorganized, lacking a clear mission statement. Wasteful. Incompetent.

Al- Anon: Filthy Bitch!

Al-Atosis: Let her talk! (he shoots Al- Anon) Please, go on.

Nola: You’re past your time. The planes thing? I’ll give you that. Well executed.

Al- Atosis: Pun intended?

Nola: Of course. But since then really nothing. In the meantime the Baja Cartel, Tea Party, Hipsters – they’ve all grown by leaps and bounds. I mean over the summer, the cartels had an Allahdamn recruitment film running in American Theatres called Savages.

Al- Atosis: Al-Yankabitch, why do we not have such a thing?

Nola: Who’s your PR guy?

Al- Atosis: Praise be to Allah he rests with the virgins now.

Nola: Osama? That was your marketing guy? Ineffective, for obvious reasons, but my God- Allah, he was terrible on camera. No charisma. And he’s dead. Al- Yankabitch, you seem theatrical.

Al-Yankabitch: You’ve seen Afghan Idol.

Nola: Nobody did, there weren’t enough antennas.

AL- Yankabitch: (sad) I was a finalist.

Nola: Correction you were a semi finalist moved to finalist after they shot the woman because she swayed – probably wobbly from heat stroke – but she swayed a bit and you shot her in the head.

Al-Atosis: You watched Afghan Idol.

Nola: I was there. Big mistake shooting the woman. Women are what you need and your recruitment strategy is all off. Sure promising 72 virgins to a man in exchange for blowing up the consulate is a good idea, it’s actually genius. But do you know what a woman imagines when she’s promised 72 virgins? The worst 4-minute gang bang of her life. That’s hell, my friend. Which reminds me. We need a kindler gentler Al- Qaeda, which is why we will no longer be referring to them as infidels. They will now be called Friend-fidels. Ps. You’re all pissed off about all the sex happening down here, but it seems like your idea of heaven is a whole lot like an orgy. What if I told you I could give you heaven on earth?

Al- Atosis: Go on.

Nola: Have you ever heard of a little town in Russia called (redacted for obvious reasons)?

Al- Atosis: I mean go on about ideas in regards to Al- Qaeda.

Nola: Well, you guys need a serious rebrand of this organization. Just a few thoughts of the top of my burqa – Fire on your CFO. (They do. They kill AL-Yankabitch) Finances. They’re tied up in the American markets. Remember this: You should trust the Americans in the markets the way you trust an Arab at the market.

Al- Atosis: (laughing) That’s good. I like that joke.

Nola: Also, suspicious packages? Ridiculous. You know what’s not suspicious? (throws newspaper desk) A Newspaper bundle at a newspaper stand. Simple.

Al- Atosis: (jumps) Holy Shiite!

Nola: (laughing) Relax. I’m a scare-orist. It’s just the Moscow Mull. Look at the front page. That’s Vladdy and I at that Ballet.

Al- Atosis: (relaxes a little) Okay, what do we do first?

Nola: Bring in AL-Ly, Al-Ice, and Al-Exandra. From now on we’re a friendly fair-orist organization. Al-Ly, press release. We’re going public – use Twitter not VHS. Al-Ice, get Dimon on the phone – we’ll have GS underwrite the offering: stock weapons. Al- Exandra, get me the President.

Al- Exandra: His head?

Nola: No, on the phone.

Al-Atosis: Americans don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Nola: No, but they do business with them.

Al- Atosis: we have nothing to offer.

Nola: You make one hell of an IED and I think Americans would love to see those on the side of the road in the dreaded lane merge situation. You know that asshole that always drives up the shoulder and cuts in at the last moment? Boom! Yeah, he’d think twice if he knew there were strategically buried IEDS along the road. That alone could win over the hearts and minds of the Americans. Also, you’re our way into Saudi oil. We’ll get you uniforms and you’ll look like a better friend than the Pakistanis in no time. And finally, you can’t kill Americans in bunches anymore at the same time. You have to do it slowly, subtlety – think Mcdonalds, Camel, and Reality Television. Americans love to be killed; they just like to do it on their own turns. It’s what we call Freedom.

Al- Atosis: Do you think it could work?

Nola: You’ll sadly never be around to see the day.

Al- Atosis: I suppose it will take such a long time.

Nola: No, literally I will turn this thing around by tomorrow morning. Your problem is that you’re eating a banana dipped in Ricin.

Al- Atosis: Infidel!

Nola jumps over the dirt table and puts a knife to his throat. He is dying. She whispers:

Nola: Friend-fidel, my friend, Friend-fidel.

And far away at the Half-White House O receives a text message:

Nola in a new (non-sexual) position

Somewhere in the Middle East.

Anderson Cooper: Tonight on AC360 we finally sit down with one of the most controversial figures in the President’s first administration. Tonight is particularly special because I’ve been trying to get an interview with this little girl for 4 years. Finally, tonight, she has agreed to sit down in an undisclosed location – we keep her location secret for fear of her safety – and discuss her plans for the future.

Nola and Anderson are sitting on chairs on the top of a bombed out building.

AC: Nola Shumway, at last we meet.

Nola: Anderson Cooper, at last you’re out. As-salamu alaykum

AC: (giggling uncontrollably)

Nola: I take issue with your lead in. Controversial Figure? I think you and I both agree that the majority of white males over the age of 42 think I have a pretty bangin bod.

AC: (very serious all of a sudden) That’s sad.

Nola: Truly. Perhaps if O had dumped Biden and ran with me on the ticket we could have improved on the ‘white males on the average have small dicks’ percentage.

AC: I think you mean ‘White Males on the average don’t vote for Obama’ –

Nola: That too yes.

ISRAELI ROCKET LANDS 10 FEET FROM THEM

AC: So we’re here to talk about you and the future. The last I saw of you was an appearance on the Charlie Rose show.  You said some pretty damning things about the administration. Where is your relationship with the President these days?

Nola: It’s no secret I have issues with the President.  He still refuses to allow Vladimir and I to stay in the Lincoln bedroom when he comes over and he’s completely opposed to talks with Ahmadijenead. I mean have you seen this guy? He’s hilarious. He’s batshit, but he is hilarious.

AC: You seem to have sympathy for the Middle East in a way that many Americans don’t tolerate.

Nola: Sympathy? It’s not sympathy. I have sympathy for Kanye West. Kanye on that Watch the Throne album sounds like he was from make a wish – and you know what his last wish was? To record an album with Jay Z. I mean he sounds straight retarded. Huuuhhhhhhh. Huuuhhhhh. I mean someone should really check him out. I’m worried about him. But sympathy for the Mid-E? Never. But what I want to talk about more than anything is my new video.

AC: Yes, you are launching a pop career.

Nola: Yes. Under the name SOS.

AC: Help?

Nola: I’m going to try Anderson. My first video is set on the strip. Though I think after the Israelis are done we’ll have to start calling it the Stripe.

AC: (giggling) Why haven’t we always been best friends?

Nola: I told you. I don’t associate with closet gays in position of power. You should all come out. Unless you have bad taste like Bachman’s husband. Then I encourage you to stay in the closet until you figure out something appropriate to wear.  Anyhow, we’re here in the Strip and I play Lady Gaza.

AC: Lady Gaza?

Nola: Lady GAH-za. And I’ve just interrupted a super secret meeting of the world leaders. I walk in and I have Hamas –

AC: I’m sorry Hummus? You’re eating hummus.

Nola: Anderson, just be pretty, sweetie and let the big kids handle the news, k. So there are Hamas and Israeli soldiers flanking me on either side. I’m wearing a BurqAlaïa.

AC: What is that?

Nola: Azzedine Alaia has come out of retirement to design a specially made burqa for me. As a pop star I feel it’s important to pay homage to the beliefs and customs of the people I have stolen from in the name of art.

AC: You’re working with some really interesting people for this video. Can you talk about how you found them?

Nola: I actually can’t because it’s classified information. I can tell you whom I’m humping to obtain my classified information. Do you want to know whom I’m humping to obtain my classified information?

AC: Who says humping?

Nola: I’m literally humping this guy in the EDIT  named EDIT  because he likes his leg humped. He did a lot of years over in East Asia so I think there are some PTSD issues. If you think any politician over the age of 19 can get off without some kind of weird sex than you my frenemy have never made the rounds in DC.

CNN  TICKER: PARTS OF MZ SHUMWAYES INTERVIEW HAVE BEEN RED ACTED BECAUSE CLASSIFIED INFO WAZ DISCUSSED

Nola looks down as the ticker moves across the screen

Nola: Is it that all of your staff went to schools where you all get a trophy just for trying or are you guys truly an equal opportunity employer and the equal opportunity is explored through people who can’t spell. Or articulate. Or, apparently, read.

AC: Video.

Nola: Okay, so I walk in with my backup, and I press play on a tape player. And you hear this:

Lady Gaza Clip 1 

AC: Wait, that doesn’t sound like you.

Nola: It’s Otto Tuned.

AC: Why?

Nola: I’m SOS okay. I can’t have people knowing what I sound like. It’s a security thing. So Otto, my IT guy decided to give me a little mask of the voice.

Nola presses play again

Lady Gaza Clip 2 

AC: So are you dancing during this video?

Nola: Your knowledge of the MID-E is so sad to me Anderson. Do you know what kind of trouble I’d be in if I was dancing? Did you see Afghan Idol? That chick was in hiding for shuffling her feet. Of course I’m dancing! And so are the soldiers. But only during the Ramadan chorus. Towards the end the Israeli gets a little gay and the Palestinian shoots him in the head. The video is cutting edge. I’m using the same director who shot the fake Syrian rebel hostage video for Assad. Do you know how difficult it is to keep robes clean on a set in the sand? Top-notch crew working here.

Lady Gaza Clip 3 

AC: I think it sounds too much like Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance.

Nola: I’d like to see that little Pop tart come after me. (Directly into the camera) Hey Gag, I’m in Gaza and I’m armed. I stole your song. Come and find me.

AC: So a pop career? For once I love that you’re acting your age.

Nola: A pop career? Who said anything about a pop career? I’m not an idiot Anderson.

AC: But you’ll be known as SOS? Help.

Nola: Oh god I hate you. Secretary of State. Hill’s out in January and I’m shooting my little video to show O that I’m the lil girl for the job. It’s down to me and Kerry and Kerry’s still on a sandy beach somewhere looking for his flip-flops.

AC: You can’t be serious.

Nola jumps up from her chair, slides under Anderson’s and pops up behind him, knife at his throat.

Nola: I’m always serious.

Anderson starts crying and pees his pants.

Nola looks into the camera.

Nola: From Gaza Strip or Stripe this has been the night of your life. I have been wonderful. ‘Merica, get ready because there’s a new breed of Foreigner Policy coming your way and most of you aren’t going to like it. I’m future Secretary of State Muhammad Nola Shumway. You’re Welcome. ma`a as-salāma! Don’t forget to check out my full song at (she holds up a sign with the link – of course she can’t trust CNN to get ot right) LADYGAZAFULLSONG!!!! 

She waves us out.

For the full set of lyrics visit: Lady Gaza Lyrics

Nola on set of her latest music video.