The Gospel According To
Nola: Okay bye. (Closes her bible and turns to find herself back at the same river she had passed earlier.) Oh no, not you again. (She runs off and grabs a man who looks to be a soldier walking near the river.) Excuse me! Excuse me. Hello, Nola Shumway here, friend to sinners, foe to saints. I’ve got a huge problem that I’m about to make your problem. You see that dastardly man over there? In the water? Shaggy looking fella? No, the other one. Yes. Well! Injustice of all injustices- speaking of injustices how hot is Sonia Sotomayor?
Soldier gives Nola a puzzled look-
Nola: Sorry, (pinches herself until she screams) stay on task Nola Shumway! Focus! (To soldier) That’s what my Vladdy says! HAHAhahah. (Starts to cry) Well, I miss him and I think he’s found another little girl to date. I saw him in a picture with this little twerp Svetlana. (Looks up at confused soldier) Sorry. Not the point. Point is, that man over there tried to drown me! Several times! I want you to arrest him immediately and chop off his head! Do it or else!
The soldier laughs and pats Nola on the head.
Suddenly music: The Russian National Anthem.
Nola: Oh great. Perfect. (Grabs IPHONE out of her pocket) Vladdy? Is that you? Yes, I’m a bit busy. But- Yes, I saw it. (Pause) Yes I want an explanation! How can you do this to me? Is it because I’m too old now? I can look younger you know. I have onesies. (Notices soldier staring switches to Russian with a perfect accent) Мне нужно вы сделать меня благосклонность, моя влюбленность.How do I say, Oh never mind. Darling? Prrrrr, darling Vladdy? Can you tell this stupid mean ol soldier to behead this dumb guy who tried to drown me?
(Soldier takes phone from Nola. As the voice on the other end begins to speak the soldier turns as white as Nola’s backside. What is said to the soldier is something the reader cannot and should not hear. Soldier gives phone back to Nola and runs toward the man wading in the water. He slices off his head and brings it to Nola.)
Nola: (looks down at bloody head) Gross. Vlad? I gotta go. I’m trying to find Jesus. Call Kim, he lonely.
Nola picks up bloody head and starts skipping back towards the mountain.
CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:
Reverend Lowery: And now let us look at Mark 6 verse 14. John the Baptist is beheaded by Nola Shumway’s henchman at the request of her lover Vladimir Putin. (Reverend looks up to a wide-eyed congregation)
Nola: Psst. O? Bible talk. You got a second?
Obama: Nola! You killed John the Baptist?
Nola: No. I killed some creepy, crazy man who tried to drown me.
Obama: But Nola, King Herod was supposed to do that. What is King Herod going to do now?
Nola: Have dusty sex with a lot of young girls?
Obama: Nola, this is serious. Reverend Lowery is losing his mind. You’re rewriting the bible.
Nola: Relax O, everyone rewrites the bible.
Nola: O, I’m doing my best but the bible is confusing. I’ve been reading some of this stuff and it’s crazy. I mean like Kim Jong Il crazy. Don’t tell him I said that okay, he’s sensitive.
Obama: I agree.
Nola: Hey, O, riddle me this: Why was this Jesus guy preaching about the end of times if he knew the end of times wouldn’t be for at least two thousand years. I mean, I don’t tell my grandma about the fact that I’m already sterile because of the Chlamydia I caught while I was doing that research in Slovakia. You know why? Because by the time I get around to having kids she won’t be alive. There isn’t any point in worrying her.
Nola: So, I’m going to find this Jesus guy.
Nola: And when I do he better pray there is a god. And he better hope it’s his daddy. Good day Mr. President.
Obama closes his bible and looks around. The congregation is staring at him. Their eyes move from him to the Reverend. Finally the reverend again begins to speak.
Reverend Lowery: (nervous) Where was I?
CUT TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:
Nola tumbles from the mountain and knocks Jesus over.
Jesus: A dove?
Nola: No, dummy, a hot mess. (Pulling down her shorts and up her feather panties) This tanga was a gift from mi amor Vladimir Putin. (She tugs on a ripped feather) Great it’s ruined. (To Jesus) Vladdy is going to poison me! (Looks at Jesus)You must know him (accusingly, with her face in his face)
Jesus: (to his followers) who is this child to speak in such a –
Nola: (interrupting) –WHO AM I…To speak in such a commanding manner? Dare you question who she is? She, who talks to you as if you were that thing she despises most openly and unapologetically about this world? It is of no concern to you who I am, or even what I am. (Pause) However, understanding that you are-and I forgive it- only humans I suppose you will require a name to this face. Typical isn’t it? For nothing exists until a human has named it.
CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:
Churchgoer: That’s some real deep shit, right there.
CUT BACK TO NOLA:
Nola: (to Jesus) you win, from this point on I will be introducing myself as Nola of Skid Row. And you, no doubt, are Jesus. (Reaches into her pocket and pulls out three stones) Turn these into bread.
Jesus: My child, I cannot.
(Nola flips through her Bible for Dummies.)
Nola: Well, according to this Matthew guy, you turned two fish into a million fish. Unless you’re with Gorton’s, and are selling fish sticks, I don’t see how that’s possible. I want to see a miracle Jeeeeeesus.
Jesus: A man planted a vineyard. He put a wall around it, dug a pit for the winepress-
Jesus: – and built a watchtower. Then he rented the-
Jesus: – vineyard to some farmers and went away on a journey.
Jesus: My child?… Nola…Nola!
Nola: Sorry, fell asleep. Standing up, (to Jesus’ followers) if that don’t seem like a miracle to you I don’t know what does. (Back to Jesus) Look, I don’t need you to talk to me like I’m an idiot. I did eight years on skid row and I’m a Rhodes Scholar. I’m really smart.
Jesus: We are all Road’s scholars, my child.
Nola: Shut it Koresh. All I’m trying to find out is whether or not everything I’m reading in this BFD is true. Can you really turn water into wine? And if so can you go one more and turn it into vodka? I could sure use a Cosmo.
CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:
Rahm: (whispering over Obama’s shoulder) Mr. President, they’re starting to tweet.
Obama: (looks over at the congregation who all have Iphones out feverishly typing. Looks up to reverend Lowery who is sweating profusely.) But we can all see the changes. Look, Rahm, you see right here in Mark 1:12:
And immediately the Nola driveth him into the wilderness.
Nola then asks Jesus to prove his worthyness.
It is plain as day on the pages.
Rahm: I see it, you see it, and poor Reverend Lowery sees it. The trouble is, people don’t actually read the bible. They’re counting on the Reverend to give them the good word. And the good word on the streets is that Nola is the Devil.
Obama: Oh Jesus!
CUT TO NOLA AND JESUS IN THE WILDERNESS:
Jesus: God? Is that you?
Nola: You know, sometimes I think maybe you are the son of god? You know why? You know why? Because you are completely retarded! (Pushes past Jesus knocking him over, looks up to the sky) Hey O. What’s the haps?
Obama: Nola, your time there is over. I want you to head back to Bethlehem. I will have the secret service pick you up there.
Nola: (her foot out in front her, she moves her leg in a half circle motion looking as cute as possible) But, Oooooo, I’m just starting to relax here. I’m interrogating Jesus. I just asked –
Obama: -Yes, you just asked him to turn water into vodka. Nola, this is serious. Reverend Lowery has been preaching it all in church today. Every move you make there is showing up here, in our bibles. The congregation has started Tweeting about it. We failed to see the connection before: Nola is a nickname for New Orleans.
Nola: For the love of Turkish bathes! I’m going to need to change my name.
Obama: So the Reverend preached about Nola taking Jesus into the wilderness and now the congregation is up in arms, saying that I am now involved with a Reverend who preaches that New Orleans is the devil.
Nola: HAHAHAHAAHHAHA. O, you almost had me. That is funny. How could anyone (pulling out her iphone, pulling up Twitterfon app) actually believe such-
Nola: Sufferin Suckatash!
Obama: Rahm is on damage control. You may need to be introduced to the public at some point. Nola, you’re on the radar now and we need to figure out the best course of action from here. I think what you need to do immediately is to make your way back to Bethlehem, hastily. And please, for the love of country Nola, don’t talk to anyone.
Nola: Got it. Sewing my mouth shut. Back to Bethlehem.
TO BE CONTINUED………