Tag Archives: Killer Whale

Whale of a Tale Part 2: The defense calls…

Let us rejoin the  courthouse:

Judge: Defense.

Nola: ZzZzZ

Judge: Defense!

Nola: (waking up from her deep slumber, confused) What…Huh… Are you my mother?

Whale: MUUUU. MUUUUUUU. MUUUUUUU.

Nola: What? I don’t speak whale. (to the judge) Does the court reporter speak whale?

Court Reporter: Que?

Nola: Never mind.

She pulls out her Idon’tPhone and babelmammals the text:

 

Nola: Oh, we’re up. Sweet.  Cnn guy! Yes, question, (pulls out two pictures and shows to the visit) Can you tell the difference between these two people?

Cnn guy: No.

Nola: Tea partiers, note the witness cannot tell these two apart. Defense exhibit A and B. One picture of Kathy Rundle looks just the same as one picture of Katherine Harris. (Nola walks to her table, and high fives Al Gore, who has been sitting quietly the whole time.)

Nola: I’m done with this witness. Get him out of my sight. I would like to call my first witness! (To Al) Cue the music.

Lady Gaga’s instrumental of Bad Romance begins to play it. Over it a Tiger’s roar. The lights dim, the court doors fly open and in walks Montecore

Music: Rawr Rawr, Rawr Rawr Rawr, Rawr Rawr, RawrRawrRawrrrrr, Rawr Rawr, RawrRawrRawrrrrrr

After twenty five laps inside the witness stand, Montecore settles in and sits down

Nola: Hello Kittay! (They air kiss on both cheeks) Muah. Muah. Lovely to see you.

Montecore: Hey girl.

Nola: So, you were raised in captivity?

Montecore: Ohmagawd girl, you already know that. You’ve been to my house like a million times.

Nola: Monte, we’re in court. (whispers) you gotta pretend we aren’t beasties.

Montecore: Oh, gotcha. (loudly) No, we never met before. (winks)

Nola: Again, you were raised in captivity?

Montecore: Yeah.

Nola: By Siegfried and Roy?

Montecore: Yeah, sugar, they were my daddays.

Nola: What happened on Oct 2003?

Montecore: Sugarnipslooook,Im gonna be straight wich chew. There was this tacky ass bitch in like the fifth row, andshewasalllikewhisperingovertoherfriendlike ‘ya’ll see that half black Tiger?’ AndIwaslikeoohmygawd,didshejustsaythatlikeRoyI’mgonnabitethatbeetch.AndhewasalllikenoMoMo Vie hav to do sie show. And so then I don’t know, like you like when you get a feelin’ you know and you just can’t control yourself, I just ripped into Roy’s neck. And plus I was pissed at Roy.

Judge: I’m sorry, can the court reporter read that back slowly?  I think we missed some of that.

Court Reporter: Shugar neeps luke. Im go-nah be straight wich chew. Dare was dees tacky

Judge: Stop! Do we have a translator for the court reporter? Nevermind. (to Montecore) please speak slowly.

Montecore: Okay because sometimes when I get dee nerves I speak fast.

Judge: Well breathe. Proceed Nola.

Nola: So why did you try to rip Roy’s face off?

Montecore: Because he was prrr prrr hitting prrr prrr me a lot and stuff like that.

Nola: Can you describe his penis?

Prosecutor: Objection! Leading!

Nola: I’m trying to establish a pattern of sexual abuse endured by the witness at the hands of his captor.

Judge: he never said anything about sexual abuse.

Nola: No, he didn’t, (motioning to the jury) but they heard it. False seeds produce true fruits. Right?

Nola high fives Montecore

Judge: Medic!

Nola: (licking the blood from her hand) I’m fine, I’m fine. Geesh. (winks) Defense is finished with this gorgeous witness. (pause)  Ladies and gentleman of the jury, let the record show that this animal snapped after suffering years of abuse. Abuse, that the For Now United States of America condoned by allowing this sexual act to go on.

Judge: Nola.

Nola: What? I’ve seen their act your honor, it’s very homo erotic. Middle America loves it.

Judge: Prosecution?

Prosecutor: Yes, your honor. On that note,  Montecore, do you think the fact that you were raised by gay parents had a lot to do with your behavior?

Montecore: No, biotch, I think the fact that IM A FUCKING TIGER HAD A LOT TO DO WITH MY BEHAVIOR! If someone don’t geet these beetch outta my face.

Prosecutor: You may step down.

Montecore leaves

Music: RAwr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr…….

Nola: Your honor, for my next witness I’d like to call Steven H Chimp, brother to deceased chimp Travis.

Steven H Chimp enters the courthouse, swears on all 20 forms of religious articles and then takes a seat

Nola: Hi Steven. Can you tell us a bit about your brother Travis.

Steven: Um, well, until that bitch Sandra started medicating him he was a nice enough guy. He was always a little strange, you know, growing up the way he did. But then when he started that anxiety medication, it was like a bomb went off inside of him. So, one day, he just went crazy and ripped that lady’s face off.

Nola: (holds up a picture of a lady) Steven, can you tell me what this looks like to you?

Steven: It looks like a woman who has had her face ripped off by a monkey.

Nola: It does. And, can you tell me who this woman is?

Steven: It’s the prosecutor.

Nola: It is…She is ugly, isn’t she?

Steven: Yeah, she’s pretty ugly. (he poos and then flings it at her)

Nola: Hahahahaha. Hahahaha. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha.

The courtroom erupts with laughter

Judge: Order! Order in the court!

Nola jumps up on the judge’s bench

Nola: Cheeseburger and fries please.

Judge: If I get a side of onion rings will you split them with me?

Nola: Sure!

Prosecutor: Objection! Why do we always eat where she wants to eat?

Nola: Because I’m cute.

Judge: Sustained.

Nola:  Okay. Back to my case. Jury, I think what this witness is trying to convey is that his brother suffered abuse at the hands of his capture. His only recourse was to rip the face off the prosecutor.

Prosecutor: Objection! Defense threatens!

Judge: Sustained. Counsel, watch yourself.

Nola: Fine. Sufferin Succotash you people are so serious. Defense calls Sea World penguins to the stand.

45 minutes after a line of penguins marches into the courtroom, Nola begins her examination

Nola: You suffer from claustrophobia, true?

Penguin: Yep.

Nola: Your honor, I’d like to play a video now for the court. Penguin number 1, what do you see on this video?

Penguin: (Opens his beak)

Nola: (interrupting) yes, that’s me! Genius wasn’t it? Best way to outsource your own protest is to show up to an immigration protest. Those darn illegals, they had no idea what those signs I gave them even said.

Let us cut to KCal newscast about protest at City Hall:

‘Hi, I’m Rick Garcia. (Chuckles) Seems some people got mixed up about what they were protesting down at city hall today. Ha-ha. Let’s cut to the video.

Let us cut back to the courtroom:

Nola: (to the jury) Do you see the pattern that is developing? Innocent wild animals forced to live in captivity and treated awfully. Penguins, you may step down.

In the meantime Nola has had the entrance to the stand sprayed down with snow, so that as the penguins leave the stand they flop on their bellies and slide out.

2 minutes later:

Nola: Your honor, defense calls its final witness, Steve Irwin’s crocodile. Now obviously, in interest of keeping the court safe, we’ve had to tie his mouth shut, so he’d like me to read a statement:

Dearest esteemed court, and members of the tea party jury,

My name is Crocodile. I was one of the crocodiles used during the filming of the ‘Crocodile Hunter’ Let it be known that during filming I was never compensated, I had to go without meals, and I was continuously harassed by Mr. Irwin and his offspring.  I don’t wish to go into details, but those were the most painful years of my life.

Sincerely,

Crocodile

(Nola puts away the paper and addresses the Judge)

Nola: Your honor, the defense takes a nap. Croc, you may step down.

Judge: Okay, well let’s recess and start with closing statements in the morning.

Prosecutor: (leaps out of her chair) Hold it! Prosecution calls rebuttal witness to the stand.

Nola: Huh? The croc had me read a statement. You wouldn’t even let him open his jaw. Who could possibly have anything to say about his testimony?

Prosecutor: Prosecution calls Stingray to the stand.

Court gasps….

Judge: Order! Give me my order!

Nola: Your honor, I need a moment to interfere on behalf of my client.

To be continued….

Whale of a Tale Part 3: Wingslaps, Whale tale high fives and double dutch.

We return to the third and final installment of Whale of a Tale:

StingRay is placed on the stand and the swearing-in books are placed in his tank.

 Just as he is about to place his barb on the books the Judge interrupts –

Judge: Witness may proceed without swearing in.

Prosecutor Rundle: StingRay.

StingRay: Gooday.

Prosecutor Rundle: Care to tell us how it is that you came to kill Steve Irwin?

StingRay: Alright, sure, mate. That croc over there ‘proached me to do a deal. Said he needed to get rid of that crikey white devil. Said he pay me ten squid to off him. So that’s what I did.

Prosecutor Rundle: No further questions.

Judge: Defense.

Nola: Sting Ray Can you tell me which of these two is the croc that approached you about murdering Steve Irwin?

StingRay: The one on the left.

Nola: You’re positive?

StingRay: I’m positive.

Nola: (to jury) Let the record show witness has admitted to being HIV positive and also that he is sure that the ‘croc’ on the left is the one he spoke too.

Prosecutor Rundle: Objection! Defense is salamandering the witness.

Nola: Fine. I strike my statement. Let the record show witness denies being HIV positive and believes that the croc on the left is the croc he spoke with.

Prosecutor Rundle: Oh Jesus! I give up!

Nola: Let the record show that both of these pictures are in fact of the same…. Alligator!

Court gasps!

Nola: Witness can’t tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile! Remove him.

StingRay slaps Nola across the face with his wing. She flies across the room, hits the wall slides to the floor, gets up and takes her seat next to the ‘Alleged’ Killer Whale.

Judge: Closing statements. Prosecution?

Prosecutor Rundle stands at her table and addresses the jury –

Prosecutor Rundle: I need a drink.

Judge: Very well. Defense?

Nola throws herself on the ground and goes on a fifteen minute tantrum

Nola: I don’t wanna- it’s not fair, you can’t make me… waaaa…. Waaa. And another thing…. I don’t wanna… It isn’t fair!

Fifteen minutes later

Nola: (rolling around on the floor) I don’t think it’s fair! I don’t wanna!

Judge: Nola.

Nola: But it’s not fair! I don’t wanna!

Prosecutor Rundle: This is childish even for a child. I can’t believe I’m here.

Judge: NOLA!

Nola: Yes?

Judge: I think we get it.

Nola: Great. I’ll be outside playing double dutch with the homeless. (She skips out) Lalala lalala lalala….

Judge: Jury, please remove yourselves to deliberate.

Let us now cut to CNN

Nancy Grace: Well Wolf, the texts just keep on comin’ in and I’d say our little Miss Nola is going to have to put up a big fat L on her forehead because the case that the prosecution presented was just too much to argue with. Who can argue with ‘I need a drink’, who? I certainly couldn’t. It looks like I’m not going to get to throw my babies off the Brooklyn Bridge after all.

Wolf: You meant to say have – right? You meant to say you weren’t going to have to throw your babies over the Brooklyn Bridge. Right?

Nancy: (throws her head back) Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha! Ha! Yes of course. (All of a sudden very serious) Let’s cut to the deliberation of the jury. For the first time ever we’ve been granted permission to listen in as the jury deliberates. Listen carefully to hear your concerned citizens fulfill their civic duty.

 

Nancy: Well Wolf, it looks like they are really getting into the bones of the case and really trying to get at the heart of the matter.

Wolf: I’ll be honest Nancy; I just heard a lot of crazy rambling.

Judge: Tea Party Jury, you have come to a verdict?

Tea Party Foreman: We have your honor- and may I just say that you were and only granted the power to preside over these hearings by the greatest document known to any man on any planet – The Constitution – and so you think you have the power but the true power lies in the people.

Judge: Just shut the fuck up and read the verdict.

Tea Party Foreman: Yes sir. We the jury felt that the defendant was guilty –

Nola looks down at phone

Tea Party foreman: – But then we couldin’ really agree on as to why we thought the whale was guilty so then we come up wit the solution that the whale wasn’t guilty but the victim. We think. So we find for the defendant.

Nola: Your honor, in light of the recent finding defendant asks that Sea World and furthermore the state of Florida to pay for all legal fees incurred during this trial.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: Defendant wishes to be immediately released into the wild and citing the ruling Keenan VS Butler in which the victim was given the property of the perpetrator’s compound, we ask that Bristol Bay be awarded to the Whales as a sanctuary.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: In the legal document I just filed two seconds ago through Legal Zoom, the crocodiles have filed a suit against the Federal Government for not protecting them against immigrants, namely and most specifically Steve Irwin and that creepy little daughter of his.  The crocodiles ask that compensation be paid with the immediate take over by said crocodiles of every swamp and marsh land in the America.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: On behalf of Siegfried and Roy’s Tiger, on the grounds that Montecore and many other cats were held against their will and humiliated for years we ask that the Federal Government promptly invade Africa and give it to the Tigers.

Montecore: Aw, hell no I ain’t going back to Africa. Get my ass a floor at Aria.

Nola: Motion to strike last request.

Judge: granted.

Nola: Defense instead asks that in regards to the Tiger, the Federal Government allow my Russian boyfriend to strong-arm the Vegas Casino and hotel Aria to allow for immediate accommodation of said upper level penthouse for Montecore as long as he or his heirs shall live.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: (Takes out Milk crate) and another thing! Let the record show that on this day, this administration’s littlest aide, has introduced a bill which will, with my boyfriend’s money, and frankly my boyfriend’s threats, be pushed through Congress and the Senate quickly, this bill called the Animal Rights Act of 2010 says that as long as  animals display signs of intelligence that surpass their human counterparts:

Nola: Then animals shall be given the same rights to freedom as all persons. Animals will no longer be used as entertainment or as slaves. And if you do use said animals for entertainment or as slaves, let it be known that this administration will come after you with the full force of our rewritten powers. And we’re going to take back what is owed to the animals; they’re environment. And we isn’t gonna quit until that whole fucking environment belongs to them again. Thank you from Florida, goodnight.

Nola high fives Al Gore

Formerly accused Killer Whale high fives Nola with his tail and sends her flying across the room. Nola it’s the wall and slides down to the floor. She looks down at her phone