Tag Archives: Haiti

Nola talks to the press, leaves (almost) no question unanswered…

You’ll need to know (if, in fact you don’t already. Shameful)–

Jon Favreau: (not the director) actually, head scriptwriter  speechwriter for Obama.

Robert Gibbs: Press Secretary (follow him on twitter!)

(We find our sweet, pretty, young Nola, backstage at her first press conference.)

Robert Gibbs: And stop calling it a press conference. We call it a briefing. Conference portrays an image of togetherness. Briefing is what we’re doing. We talk, they listen, we leave.

Nola: (standing behind blue curtain, peeking out, watching the press take their seats) this is worse than the Oscars. Is it really pertinent to make sure everyone sits in their assigned seat?

Robert Gibbs: (looking up from his notes) huh, well I personally think it’s all a bunch of bullshit. But, real estate is real estate I guess.

Nola: I guess. Hey, Gibbs, can I call you Gibbles and Quips?

Robert Gibbs: No you may not.

Nola: Got it. Hey Gibbler?

Robert Gibbs: (annoyed) Yes Nola.

Nola: I have some ish-hues with this speech.

(Jon Favreau comes running in from-well- from nowhere quite frankly.)

Nola: Where in a fat girl’s belly button did you come from?

Jon Favreau: It’s not important. Don’t touch that speech Nola. It’s perfect. O signed off on it. I know how you like to get on your little Milk crate and lecture and rant and rave, but not today. Everything has been carefully loaded into the teleprompter. We are not going off script on this one.

Nola: The speech needed edits.

Jon: That speech is a dream.

Robert Gibbs: Hey! Hey! Gentleman (looks down at Nola confused)

Nola: Little woman is okay by me thank you.

Robert Gibbs: Gentleman and little woman. Some perspective. We are about to go out and tell the Press, and more importantly, the Republican attack machine-

(Nola and Jon start mimicking Rush Limbaugh’s fist pumping at the Miss America pageant.)

Robert Gibbs: Guys. Guys. Stop. I’m serious. We are about to go out there, you know, and tell them that an eight year old, who may or may not have ties to the KGB-

Nola: Oh I do, Gibbles, I do.

Robert Gibbs: (stares at her) Right, okay… that an eight year old, with ties to the KGB has the ear of the President.

(All of a sudden The Black Eyed Peas tonight’s gonna be a good night comes on- probably from Favreau’s IPod. Nola and Jon start fist pumping like crazy)

Robert Gibbs: I give up. (Pause) Weren’t you two fighting?

(Music stops)

(Sexy Intern walks in.)

Sexy Intern: Two minutes Mr. Secretary.

Nola: (To Gibbs) I’m (waving her hand in front of his face) bringing my Milk crate on. (Waves hand) Hello? Robert? What is wrong with you?

Jon: He still isn’t used to all the sexy females around here.

(Nola kicks Gibbs in the groin)

Nola: Hey Jerk. Mary Catherine Gibbs is a smart broad. Don’t fuck it up on some skanky coquette with connections. Intern- put your shirt back on. Jon- here are the edits to the speech. Let’s do this!

(Nola and Jon push Gibbs out on stage. They peek through the curtain to see what is going on)

Nola: (to Jon) oh for the love of Turkish bathes, I told him not to do the Ann Curry joke. It isn’t funny, and nobody is going to get it. It’s like the time that little spelling bee kid tried to do a Napoleon Dynamite joke. Wrong audience. What a schmuck.

Let us cut to the Briefing:

The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release                                                                                                                                March 10, 2010

Briefing by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs and Special Advisor to the President Nola Shumway.

James S Brady Press Briefing Room

934 EST

Robert Gibbs: Good morning, good morning, everybody in the news this morning, good morning. Today, in response to an overwhelming abundance of gossip and hearsay, the administration has decided to make available for the Press and public, a close adviser to the president, Nola Shumway. She will give a short statement and take no questions. She is unfortunately due at another engagement at 1000 am. Thank you. Without further delay, I give you Nola Shumway.

[Nola Shumway walks out from behind the blue curtain. She passes the podium. She sets down a Milk crate, labeled ‘In Memory of Harvey’, steps onto Milk crate and begins to speak.]

Let us cut to the oval office, where O, Jon and a few cabinet members have joined to watch Nola on the feed:

Obama: (inhaling) I think she’s going rogue.

Jon: No, she’s going to do the speech.

Hillary: After what that little slut said about me and Bill? I hope they crucify her.

Obama: (laughing) Nola would enjoy that. Ever since she got back from the New Testament she can’t stop talking about the kinky crucifixion role play she wants to do with Vladimir.

Jon: Eww. That’s like talking about my little sister.

Obama: (laughing) hey, Hill, you wanna hit this?

Hillary: Actually, yes. Fucking bill. You know, Nola was right though. It is burgers or bitches with him. It’s like, if he’s not shoving a burger in his mouth he’s shoving his cock down some slut’s throat.

(O and Jon laughing hysterically.)

Jon: You wanna piss him off? I’ve wanted to fuck you since I was twelve.

Let us cut to The Briefing Room-

[Nola steps on a Milk crate labeled ‘In Memory of Harvey’ and looks down at the speech Jon Favreau prepared]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nola: You know what, this statement is retarded. I’m going to go ahead and take some questions.

[Gibbs faints.]

Let us cut back to the Oval office.

Obama: (choking on smoke) Oh Jesus, she’s rogue!

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Okay wait! Hold on. Let me get my seating chart.

 [Nola jumps up onto the podium, sits on it, swinging her legs over the front. She begins.]

Nola: Okay. Let us open the floor for questions. Helen?

Helen: Well, Nola. May I call you that, Nola?

Nola: You my dear may even call me late to din din.

[Chuckles in the room]

Helen: Well Nola, I must say I speak for this entire room when I say we’ve been anxiously waiting for when the time would come when we were finally given access to you. We’ve heard quite a bit about you. What I want to know is… is it true? Do you indeed have the ear of the President?

Nola: [reaches into her pocket and pulls out a brown plastic ear] I do indeed.

[Chuckles in the room]

Nola: Jake.

Jake: Hi Nola, Jake Tapper, ABC –

Nola: – I know who you are. I follow you on Twitter.

Jake: Wow. Thanks.

Nola: You aren’t funny. A dry liquor cabinet at your inlaws’ house when you’re staying the weekend is funnier than you. An HIV-infected child prostitute is funnier than you.

Jake: Ouch. Okay. Well speaking of HIV.

[Nola laughs]

Nola: See, HIV is funnier than you.

Jake: My sources tell me you were recently heard making disparaging remarks to an assistant at the HopeforHaitiNow benefit in regards to HIV positive adults.

Nola: Yes.

Jake: My source says you also told the assistant; I quote “you can throw my gift bag Haitian baby in the dumpster.’

Nola: I’m looking for a question. Does anybody see a question floating around here?

Jake: Well, my question… I suppose… is…

Nola: Yessss……

Jake: Do these statements reflect your true nature?

Nola: They do. (Looks down at her chart.) Jesus on a Leash, lemme just get this one out the way. Wendell.

[Wendell stands up begins to speak]

Nola: We know, we know. Fox News, row 2, seat 4. Nobody cares. Go.

Wendell: Are you a Socialist?

Nola: I enjoy a good cocktail party now and then.

Wendell: Are you a Communist sympathizer?

Nola: Well, if you’re referring to the time I accompanied Kim Jong Il to the opening of Ballet of the Fat in Moscow, then I must admit I am. In my defense, the poor thing’s date backed out at the very last moment. Its bad manners to leave a friend in a church, isn’t it?

Wendell: You mean ‘lurch.’

Nola: Oh no, I’m quite certain I mean church thank you. Sheryl.

Sheryl: Can you comment on the nature of your relationship with Prime evil, pardon, Minister Vladimir Putin?

Nola: Sexual.

[The room collectively gasps]

Nola: I kid! I kid! Geesh. We also hang out together. We really like to walk together around his duck pond. But mostly we really like Fu-

Let us cut to the Oval Office:

(Obama, who has passed out, is being fanned. Favreau is hiding all of the drugs and Hillary is laughing so hard she has just pee’d in her pants.)

Let us cut to FOXNEWS breaking news ticker:

PRESDENT’S EIGHT YEAR OLD AID ADMITS PURLY S XUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH PRIM MINSTER VLADIMIR PEWTIN

Let us cut to a mobile home in Mobile, Alabama:

Wom’n: See, I knew it. That Obama is selling that sex trade to the Rushins just like Rush talked bout.

Man: An that money is goin straight to pay fer his birf certificate doctrin.

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Okay. Okay. Settle down. Please. We need to stay on track. I really do have a ten o’clock.  Alright. Any-many-miny-Oh! (Looks down at seating chart, her finger placed on) Jennifer-

Jennifer: (crazy woman who talks to Nola like a baby) Hi! Hi! Hewoh! Can you tell us your… favorite…color?

Nola: Light skinned Negro. (Pause) of all of those fat fingers that you’re waving at me, can you tell me which your favorite was?

[Confusion on Jennifer’s face. Nola snaps her fingers at two huge, scary, white Russians who come and remove Jennifer from the room]

Nola: (screaming) DOES ANYWODY ELSE HAVE ANY QWESTIONS FOR WA LIL GIRL?

[Silence]

Nola: Good. Chip.

Chip Reid: Word in Washington is that you and the President differed on his idea to extend a safe haven for Haitian illegals in the US after the earthquake. Is this true?

Nola: True.

Chip Reid: Can you speak as to why you disagree with his policy?

Nola: I’ll only say to my Mexican friends who unlike their Haitian rivals, don’t come here with Machetes and bad music to rape and pillage the country: Ruegue para la lluvia, mis amigos, ruegue para much alluvia de mierda. (pause) Ed.

Ed Henry: I’m holding here a chart that was obtained by sources close to the RNC.

Nola: A Leak.

Ed: Um, (red faced) well, I can assure you I have no knowledge of-

Nola: (kicks Gibbs, wakes him) Gibbler, there’s a leak. (Pointing to ceiling) it seems like water. You should go check it out. Okay, Ed. Go ahead.

Ed: Oh, okay. So, this is a chart that seems to be signed by you.

Nola: Excellent journalistic work, Ed. Get to the pointed question.

Ed: is this a joke?

Nola: It is not. It is a clear and simple approach to Health Care Reform.

Ed: (laughing) But you can’t, seriously, think that a ‘Conservative Plan’ that leaves out preventative medicine because they ‘pray to God for that’ will be taken seriously.

Nola: Well, as you know, I spent a great deal of time in the New Testament chasing down Jesus. What I learned is that people, who believe in God, believe that God has a plan.  If God plans on you developing colon cancer than it’s against God’s plans to go in for a screening. I’m just abiding by the beliefs of god fearing people. (Pause) Yes, Mike.

Mike: Yes, Mike, from Time. I’ve done my research and it’s pretty interesting. You’ve had your little hands in everything from Prop 8 to gangs, even the banking crisis. That is quite a schedule for a little girl.

Nola: yes, well I have to keep busy. Can’t let this girlish figure get fat. Vladdy doesn’t do fat.

Mike: Well, I appreciate the transparency. You’ve been honest and answered every question directly. I think I speak for the entire press corps when I say it’s a refreshing change.

[Every (cough) journalist, save for one in the back, gets up and applauds]

Let us cut to the Oval Office:

Obama: (smiling) My Sweet Pretty Young Nola. I’m amazed. They love her.

Fav: (sad) she didn’t even say one of my words.

Hillary: (stunned) I think they’re mesmerized by her nipples. How is she getting away with not wearing a shirt?

Fav: Strategically placed suspenders.

Hillary: Is that allowed?

Obama: She’s been working with Christian from Project Runway. It’s art.

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Oh, please sit.

[Gibbs pokes his head out from behind the blue curtain and signals for her to wrap it up]

Nola: Okay. Okay. Please stop. I know you love me. Geesh, I didn’t think we would have to break out the drool buckets. (Laughing) Okay. I have to skedaddle. I’ve a very important case starting in a few days. It’s a whale of a tale this one. That’s all, that’s all. Tata.

[From the shadow in the back of the room the lone seated journalist stands and yells one final question for our sweet little Nola]

Journalist: Ms. Shumway, What have to say about your years spent as an operative for the Republican Party?

[Fav’s IPod skips just as Gibbs dives from behind the blue curtain. Gibbs pulls Nola out and the live feed goes dark]

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Nola answers a call… talks to a Fugee.

Our sweet, pretty, young Nola was (very) recently asked to attend the HopeForHaitiNow telethon in Los Angeles. After laughing at Obama for five minutes:

Nola: You’re kidding. They’re calling it Hope for Haiti. No. Come on. (Rolling around on the floor in the oval office) Stop. (Pounding the ground with her hand) Stop! You’re kidding me. Uh. Hahahahahahaahahha. Hahahaahhahhaha.

Obama: Nola, I’m quite serious. Now look, I have a few requests.

Nola: (gets up, tears rolling down her cheeks) Hahaha. Okay. I’m good. I’m done. Ha. Wait. hahaha. No, I’m not. Hahahaahhaaha. Hope for Haiti. What’s next? Optimism in Africa.

Obama: Nola.

Nola: I’m going… I’m going…
… Nola was on her way.

Cut to the telethon headquarters:

A frazzled assistant carrying a clipboard greets Nola in the celebrity holding tank, or, a bar.

Assistant: Hi, umm…. (looking down at clipboard) Nola? Is that how you say it?

Nola: No ma’am. I would say it a little less like you’re talking to a subordinate and a little more like you’re talking to royalty.

Assistant: Uh… huh. Great. Alright, here’s the seating arrangement for taking calls. We rotate celebrities in and out every fifteen minutes.

Nola: (winks) Oh, gotcha. yeah wouldn’t want any awkward run ins between exes.

Assistant: (smiling) Right. So I have a few questions, just to figure out where to put you in this rotation.
Have you ever slept with Drew Carey?

Nola: Hahahahahahahaha.

Assistant: Um, yeah, just kidding. But, seriously, have you ever slept with Steven Spielberg?
Nola: Jew? No.

Assistant: Samuel Jackson?

Nola: That motherfuckas here? Let me get at him. Where he at? (to assistant) You know I worked with his cousin Jules on the Prop 8 campaign.

Assistant: But have you slept with him?

Nola: No. Almost, but no.

Assistant: Ben Stiller?

Nola: I don’t sleep with angry little men.

Assistant: Eric Dane?

Nola: Eh, I’m not into Herpes.

Assistant: Justin Timberlake?

Nola: Or syphilis.

Assistant: Keith urban?

Nola: Is that the drunken Aussie with the flat ironed hair over hair?

Assistant: Yes.

Nola: No. Never. Hey, Is that little bitch Kanye West here?

Assistant: No, Kanye doesn’t care about really black people.

Nola: Good. I wouldn’t want him to come face to face with me. That little jackass was very mean to my Swifty. Okay, I’m bored of you. Who do I get my gift bag from?

Assistant: Gift bag?

Nola: Yeah. And, um, I know this year’s celebrity must have is a Haitian baby, but just pull mine out and toss it in a dumpster. I don’t want that baby shitting on my new Diorettes. (pause) They are giving us the new Diorettes, right?

Assistant: No! No gift bags! And I’m not throwing your gift bag baby in a dumpster. (she composes herself) You get two guaranteed close ups and we air one of your best phone calls.

Nola: Will there be bottle service?

Assistant: Yes, but only during times when we’ve cut away from the studio to show footage of Haiti.

Nola: Alright, I can handle this for a bit. Can you get me a White Russian?

Assistant: Um, now. Wait. You’re eight.

Nola: (skipping off to her seat) I kid. I kid. (winks) Besides, I already have one.

Nola sits down next to Jennifer Aniston. After a few minutes of pleasantries, a few lines of coke and one intense make out situation, Nola takes her first call…

Nola: Nola Shumway here. Are you going to donate a lot of money or just a little bit of money?

Assistant comes running over and hangs up phone.

Assistant: You can’t do that Nola. We don’t want to make them feel bad about not giving a lot of money.

Nola: It’s only implied. I’m a skilled diplomat, let me do my job you crazy cracker.

Assistant throws up her hands, pops a Xanax and leaves. Nola puts her head down next to her phone and waits for a call.

Nola: ZzZzZ
Phone: Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring.
Nola: ZzZzz
Phone: Ring ring Ring Ring Ring.

Jennifer: (leans over and grabs Nola’s phone) Hello. Hi. Yeah, no, she’s right here. (elbows Nola)

Nola jumps up on the desk and screams like a little girl. She starts crying.

Jennifer: oh, Nola. Sweetie, wake up, you were just having a nightmare. Here, Vlad is on the phone. He wants to talk to you.

Nola: Vladdy! (grabs the phone) Vladdy. Yes, Да, младенец, I’ll получает вам автограф. Да, I’ll дает ему ваш сценарий. Я тебя люблю слишком младенец.

Hangs up phone.

Nola: (to Jen) I’m dying of boredom. Where can I get a seat filler?

Jen: Oh, sweetie, you have to wait until someone rotates you out.

Nola: (eyes wide) Jen! Don’t turn around. I think radbay is taking the tagesay. Awkward. (stands on the desk and screams) Help! Help!

Assistant: (panicked) What happened? Are you okay?

Nola: Yes. I was calling for the help. I’m ready to rotate out.

Assistant: (throws clipboard) Fine! You know what? I don’t care! I don’t care about Haiti, I don’t care about celebrities, I don’t care that I’m not going to get a chance to make out with Robert Pattinson at the after party.

Nola: Oh, sweetie, that wasn’t ever going to happen. You’re a five… tops.

Assistant: I don’t need this! I was in Africa for three years, but I have never seen anything like this!

Nola: (confused) Electricity? (pause) Bottled water? A room full of HIV-free adults?

Magic Johnson rotates in.

Nola: Scratch that last one. Look, plain Jane… May I call you plain Jane? You have to understand, we’re all busy important people here. Okay. And we’re pretty. I get that the Haitian children are suffering and all that, but we’re suffering too. Okay. Look, I’ll be nice. I’ll stay for another fifteen minutes okay. You take this (Nola hands assistant a date rape pill) and put in Robert’s water bottle. You two go relax in the green room okay. I’ve got this.

Nola takes a seat next to Drew Carey.

Nola: (staring at Drew) Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Drew: Oh, well, hello little girl. Who are you? You’re cute.

Nola: Hahahahahahahahaha.

Drew: (puzzled) Okay. Well, I’m going to get back to the phones.

Nola: (watching Drew) Hahahahaha. Hahaha. Hahahaahahaha.

Drew: (answers phone) Well hello there. I’m Drew carey, and who do I have the pleasure of speaking to? (pause) Yes. Drew. Carey. C-A-R-E-Y. No I wasn’t that guy on Saturday Night Live who died. (forces smile for his close up) Nope, wasn’t in the Great Outdoors. Yes I did love that movie. Hello? Hello?

Nola: Hahahaha. They hung up on you? Hahahaahaha. Let me guess, they wanted to talk to Robert Pattinson.

Drew: No, Leonardo Dicrapio.

Nola: Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha.

All of sudden the lights are turned down and all attention is to the stage. Beyonce saunters out and begins a song.

Nola: (singing, quite loudly) All the single Haitis! All the single Haitis. All the single Haitis.

Drew: Nola! (chuckling) Quiet.

Beyonce: Everywhere I’m looking now I’m surrounded by your embrace. Haiti I can see your halo,

Record skips. Nola jumps up and rushes Beyonce.

Nola: B! B! Stop. Haiti’s Halo? That’s a dust cloud… from debris. (Grabs the mic.) You are fired. Now, I must ask you to collect your things and leave the building.

Wyclef walks by

Nola: Refugee!!! Hey, come here. (snapping her fingers) Come here. I have an idea for you.

Wyclef: I don’t even know you.

Nola: Yeah, if it weren’t for this telethon, I wouldn’t know you either. But I heard you were the guy who got famous after doing a cover of a song. Right? Well… you need a comeback, right?

Wyclef: Um, I guess.

Nola: Let’s cut the shit Clef, on January twelfth, you lost your fan base. So look, here’s the angle. You need a song. A beautiful catchy song that connects people to the tragedy. Remember how Katrina telethon had that Hallelujah song. And now when people hear that song it reminds them of….

Cut To Justin Timberlake

Justin: Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. I heard that ….

Nola: Okay, well for awhile they heard that song and thought of New Orleans. Anyway, You take a cool eighties song and cover it. I’m thinking ‘We Built This City’ but you change it up a little to ‘We Built This Shitty.’

Wyclef: You’re joking.

Nola: No sir, I never joke. I am always one hundred percent serious in the wake of tragedy. And since I was born on Skid Row to two junkies, I guess you could say I’ve been serious my whole life.

Wyclef: Whoa, okay, chill out little white devil, you’re killing my high.

Nola: Okay, so the next thing you need to do is ride the coattails of a catchy campaign. A perfect fit for us would be NOH8. We’ll add a TI to the tape and start filming celebrity endorsements.

Wyclef: Why would we want NOH8TI?

Nola: You’re a refugee. Use your noggin. I’m not allowed to say this on your record, but I can tell you that the Obama administration wants to make it clear that if the rebuilding of Haiti did not happen and refugees were forced to move on, we would gladly accept them here in the good ol’ for now United States of the white Americas. You’ve seen how Americans open their hearts in the midst of tragedy. We think this will go over well with the populists.

Wyclef: Child. Are you crazy? I don’t want no crazy machete waving Haitians running up on my house. I’m gonna help em, but I’m gonna help em over there. Know what I’m saying.

Cut to stunned camera man who just caught that whole exchange on live television..

Camera man: ughhhhhhh……

Nola’s phone rings.

Nola: Hi, O. You saw? Yeah, it was perfect. The administration’s policy on refugees is clear. It’s also clear that a former refugee wants no part of it. Right. I’m on my way back; just have to stop at an after party. Yes. I’ll behave. Ish. Press conference? Absolutely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to brief at the White House. Ciao.