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Nola talks to the press, leaves (almost) no question unanswered…

You’ll need to know (if, in fact you don’t already. Shameful)–

Jon Favreau: (not the director) actually, head scriptwriter  speechwriter for Obama.

Robert Gibbs: Press Secretary (follow him on twitter!)

(We find our sweet, pretty, young Nola, backstage at her first press conference.)

Robert Gibbs: And stop calling it a press conference. We call it a briefing. Conference portrays an image of togetherness. Briefing is what we’re doing. We talk, they listen, we leave.

Nola: (standing behind blue curtain, peeking out, watching the press take their seats) this is worse than the Oscars. Is it really pertinent to make sure everyone sits in their assigned seat?

Robert Gibbs: (looking up from his notes) huh, well I personally think it’s all a bunch of bullshit. But, real estate is real estate I guess.

Nola: I guess. Hey, Gibbs, can I call you Gibbles and Quips?

Robert Gibbs: No you may not.

Nola: Got it. Hey Gibbler?

Robert Gibbs: (annoyed) Yes Nola.

Nola: I have some ish-hues with this speech.

(Jon Favreau comes running in from-well- from nowhere quite frankly.)

Nola: Where in a fat girl’s belly button did you come from?

Jon Favreau: It’s not important. Don’t touch that speech Nola. It’s perfect. O signed off on it. I know how you like to get on your little Milk crate and lecture and rant and rave, but not today. Everything has been carefully loaded into the teleprompter. We are not going off script on this one.

Nola: The speech needed edits.

Jon: That speech is a dream.

Robert Gibbs: Hey! Hey! Gentleman (looks down at Nola confused)

Nola: Little woman is okay by me thank you.

Robert Gibbs: Gentleman and little woman. Some perspective. We are about to go out and tell the Press, and more importantly, the Republican attack machine-

(Nola and Jon start mimicking Rush Limbaugh’s fist pumping at the Miss America pageant.)

Robert Gibbs: Guys. Guys. Stop. I’m serious. We are about to go out there, you know, and tell them that an eight year old, who may or may not have ties to the KGB-

Nola: Oh I do, Gibbles, I do.

Robert Gibbs: (stares at her) Right, okay… that an eight year old, with ties to the KGB has the ear of the President.

(All of a sudden The Black Eyed Peas tonight’s gonna be a good night comes on- probably from Favreau’s IPod. Nola and Jon start fist pumping like crazy)

Robert Gibbs: I give up. (Pause) Weren’t you two fighting?

(Music stops)

(Sexy Intern walks in.)

Sexy Intern: Two minutes Mr. Secretary.

Nola: (To Gibbs) I’m (waving her hand in front of his face) bringing my Milk crate on. (Waves hand) Hello? Robert? What is wrong with you?

Jon: He still isn’t used to all the sexy females around here.

(Nola kicks Gibbs in the groin)

Nola: Hey Jerk. Mary Catherine Gibbs is a smart broad. Don’t fuck it up on some skanky coquette with connections. Intern- put your shirt back on. Jon- here are the edits to the speech. Let’s do this!

(Nola and Jon push Gibbs out on stage. They peek through the curtain to see what is going on)

Nola: (to Jon) oh for the love of Turkish bathes, I told him not to do the Ann Curry joke. It isn’t funny, and nobody is going to get it. It’s like the time that little spelling bee kid tried to do a Napoleon Dynamite joke. Wrong audience. What a schmuck.

Let us cut to the Briefing:

The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release                                                                                                                                March 10, 2010

Briefing by White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs and Special Advisor to the President Nola Shumway.

James S Brady Press Briefing Room

934 EST

Robert Gibbs: Good morning, good morning, everybody in the news this morning, good morning. Today, in response to an overwhelming abundance of gossip and hearsay, the administration has decided to make available for the Press and public, a close adviser to the president, Nola Shumway. She will give a short statement and take no questions. She is unfortunately due at another engagement at 1000 am. Thank you. Without further delay, I give you Nola Shumway.

[Nola Shumway walks out from behind the blue curtain. She passes the podium. She sets down a Milk crate, labeled ‘In Memory of Harvey’, steps onto Milk crate and begins to speak.]

Let us cut to the oval office, where O, Jon and a few cabinet members have joined to watch Nola on the feed:

Obama: (inhaling) I think she’s going rogue.

Jon: No, she’s going to do the speech.

Hillary: After what that little slut said about me and Bill? I hope they crucify her.

Obama: (laughing) Nola would enjoy that. Ever since she got back from the New Testament she can’t stop talking about the kinky crucifixion role play she wants to do with Vladimir.

Jon: Eww. That’s like talking about my little sister.

Obama: (laughing) hey, Hill, you wanna hit this?

Hillary: Actually, yes. Fucking bill. You know, Nola was right though. It is burgers or bitches with him. It’s like, if he’s not shoving a burger in his mouth he’s shoving his cock down some slut’s throat.

(O and Jon laughing hysterically.)

Jon: You wanna piss him off? I’ve wanted to fuck you since I was twelve.

Let us cut to The Briefing Room-

[Nola steps on a Milk crate labeled ‘In Memory of Harvey’ and looks down at the speech Jon Favreau prepared]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nola: You know what, this statement is retarded. I’m going to go ahead and take some questions.

[Gibbs faints.]

Let us cut back to the Oval office.

Obama: (choking on smoke) Oh Jesus, she’s rogue!

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Okay wait! Hold on. Let me get my seating chart.

 [Nola jumps up onto the podium, sits on it, swinging her legs over the front. She begins.]

Nola: Okay. Let us open the floor for questions. Helen?

Helen: Well, Nola. May I call you that, Nola?

Nola: You my dear may even call me late to din din.

[Chuckles in the room]

Helen: Well Nola, I must say I speak for this entire room when I say we’ve been anxiously waiting for when the time would come when we were finally given access to you. We’ve heard quite a bit about you. What I want to know is… is it true? Do you indeed have the ear of the President?

Nola: [reaches into her pocket and pulls out a brown plastic ear] I do indeed.

[Chuckles in the room]

Nola: Jake.

Jake: Hi Nola, Jake Tapper, ABC –

Nola: – I know who you are. I follow you on Twitter.

Jake: Wow. Thanks.

Nola: You aren’t funny. A dry liquor cabinet at your inlaws’ house when you’re staying the weekend is funnier than you. An HIV-infected child prostitute is funnier than you.

Jake: Ouch. Okay. Well speaking of HIV.

[Nola laughs]

Nola: See, HIV is funnier than you.

Jake: My sources tell me you were recently heard making disparaging remarks to an assistant at the HopeforHaitiNow benefit in regards to HIV positive adults.

Nola: Yes.

Jake: My source says you also told the assistant; I quote “you can throw my gift bag Haitian baby in the dumpster.’

Nola: I’m looking for a question. Does anybody see a question floating around here?

Jake: Well, my question… I suppose… is…

Nola: Yessss……

Jake: Do these statements reflect your true nature?

Nola: They do. (Looks down at her chart.) Jesus on a Leash, lemme just get this one out the way. Wendell.

[Wendell stands up begins to speak]

Nola: We know, we know. Fox News, row 2, seat 4. Nobody cares. Go.

Wendell: Are you a Socialist?

Nola: I enjoy a good cocktail party now and then.

Wendell: Are you a Communist sympathizer?

Nola: Well, if you’re referring to the time I accompanied Kim Jong Il to the opening of Ballet of the Fat in Moscow, then I must admit I am. In my defense, the poor thing’s date backed out at the very last moment. Its bad manners to leave a friend in a church, isn’t it?

Wendell: You mean ‘lurch.’

Nola: Oh no, I’m quite certain I mean church thank you. Sheryl.

Sheryl: Can you comment on the nature of your relationship with Prime evil, pardon, Minister Vladimir Putin?

Nola: Sexual.

[The room collectively gasps]

Nola: I kid! I kid! Geesh. We also hang out together. We really like to walk together around his duck pond. But mostly we really like Fu-

Let us cut to the Oval Office:

(Obama, who has passed out, is being fanned. Favreau is hiding all of the drugs and Hillary is laughing so hard she has just pee’d in her pants.)

Let us cut to FOXNEWS breaking news ticker:

PRESDENT’S EIGHT YEAR OLD AID ADMITS PURLY S XUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH PRIM MINSTER VLADIMIR PEWTIN

Let us cut to a mobile home in Mobile, Alabama:

Wom’n: See, I knew it. That Obama is selling that sex trade to the Rushins just like Rush talked bout.

Man: An that money is goin straight to pay fer his birf certificate doctrin.

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Okay. Okay. Settle down. Please. We need to stay on track. I really do have a ten o’clock.  Alright. Any-many-miny-Oh! (Looks down at seating chart, her finger placed on) Jennifer-

Jennifer: (crazy woman who talks to Nola like a baby) Hi! Hi! Hewoh! Can you tell us your… favorite…color?

Nola: Light skinned Negro. (Pause) of all of those fat fingers that you’re waving at me, can you tell me which your favorite was?

[Confusion on Jennifer’s face. Nola snaps her fingers at two huge, scary, white Russians who come and remove Jennifer from the room]

Nola: (screaming) DOES ANYWODY ELSE HAVE ANY QWESTIONS FOR WA LIL GIRL?

[Silence]

Nola: Good. Chip.

Chip Reid: Word in Washington is that you and the President differed on his idea to extend a safe haven for Haitian illegals in the US after the earthquake. Is this true?

Nola: True.

Chip Reid: Can you speak as to why you disagree with his policy?

Nola: I’ll only say to my Mexican friends who unlike their Haitian rivals, don’t come here with Machetes and bad music to rape and pillage the country: Ruegue para la lluvia, mis amigos, ruegue para much alluvia de mierda. (pause) Ed.

Ed Henry: I’m holding here a chart that was obtained by sources close to the RNC.

Nola: A Leak.

Ed: Um, (red faced) well, I can assure you I have no knowledge of-

Nola: (kicks Gibbs, wakes him) Gibbler, there’s a leak. (Pointing to ceiling) it seems like water. You should go check it out. Okay, Ed. Go ahead.

Ed: Oh, okay. So, this is a chart that seems to be signed by you.

Nola: Excellent journalistic work, Ed. Get to the pointed question.

Ed: is this a joke?

Nola: It is not. It is a clear and simple approach to Health Care Reform.

Ed: (laughing) But you can’t, seriously, think that a ‘Conservative Plan’ that leaves out preventative medicine because they ‘pray to God for that’ will be taken seriously.

Nola: Well, as you know, I spent a great deal of time in the New Testament chasing down Jesus. What I learned is that people, who believe in God, believe that God has a plan.  If God plans on you developing colon cancer than it’s against God’s plans to go in for a screening. I’m just abiding by the beliefs of god fearing people. (Pause) Yes, Mike.

Mike: Yes, Mike, from Time. I’ve done my research and it’s pretty interesting. You’ve had your little hands in everything from Prop 8 to gangs, even the banking crisis. That is quite a schedule for a little girl.

Nola: yes, well I have to keep busy. Can’t let this girlish figure get fat. Vladdy doesn’t do fat.

Mike: Well, I appreciate the transparency. You’ve been honest and answered every question directly. I think I speak for the entire press corps when I say it’s a refreshing change.

[Every (cough) journalist, save for one in the back, gets up and applauds]

Let us cut to the Oval Office:

Obama: (smiling) My Sweet Pretty Young Nola. I’m amazed. They love her.

Fav: (sad) she didn’t even say one of my words.

Hillary: (stunned) I think they’re mesmerized by her nipples. How is she getting away with not wearing a shirt?

Fav: Strategically placed suspenders.

Hillary: Is that allowed?

Obama: She’s been working with Christian from Project Runway. It’s art.

Let us cut back to the Briefing Room:

Nola: Oh, please sit.

[Gibbs pokes his head out from behind the blue curtain and signals for her to wrap it up]

Nola: Okay. Okay. Please stop. I know you love me. Geesh, I didn’t think we would have to break out the drool buckets. (Laughing) Okay. I have to skedaddle. I’ve a very important case starting in a few days. It’s a whale of a tale this one. That’s all, that’s all. Tata.

[From the shadow in the back of the room the lone seated journalist stands and yells one final question for our sweet little Nola]

Journalist: Ms. Shumway, What have to say about your years spent as an operative for the Republican Party?

[Fav’s IPod skips just as Gibbs dives from behind the blue curtain. Gibbs pulls Nola out and the live feed goes dark]

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Nola in the nude: A Testament To Mark

The Gospel According To
MARK

Nola: Okay bye. (Closes her bible and turns to find herself back at the same river she had passed earlier.) Oh no, not you again. (She runs off and grabs a man who looks to be a soldier walking near the river.) Excuse me! Excuse me. Hello, Nola Shumway here, friend to sinners, foe to saints. I’ve got a huge problem that I’m about to make your problem. You see that dastardly man over there? In the water? Shaggy looking fella? No, the other one. Yes. Well! Injustice of all injustices- speaking of injustices how hot is Sonia Sotomayor?
Soldier gives Nola a puzzled look-
Nola: Sorry, (pinches herself until she screams) stay on task Nola Shumway! Focus! (To soldier) That’s what my Vladdy says! HAHAhahah. (Starts to cry) Well, I miss him and I think he’s found another little girl to date. I saw him in a picture with this little twerp Svetlana. (Looks up at confused soldier) Sorry. Not the point. Point is, that man over there tried to drown me! Several times! I want you to arrest him immediately and chop off his head! Do it or else!
The soldier laughs and pats Nola on the head.
Suddenly music: The Russian National Anthem.
Nola: Oh great. Perfect. (Grabs IPHONE out of her pocket) Vladdy? Is that you? Yes, I’m a bit busy. But- Yes, I saw it. (Pause) Yes I want an explanation! How can you do this to me? Is it because I’m too old now? I can look younger you know. I have onesies. (Notices soldier staring switches to Russian with a perfect accent) Мне нужно вы сделать меня благосклонность, моя влюбленность.How do I say, Oh never mind. Darling? Prrrrr, darling Vladdy? Can you tell this stupid mean ol soldier to behead this dumb guy who tried to drown me?
(Soldier takes phone from Nola. As the voice on the other end begins to speak the soldier turns as white as Nola’s backside. What is said to the soldier is something the reader cannot and should not hear. Soldier gives phone back to Nola and runs toward the man wading in the water. He slices off his head and brings it to Nola.)
Nola: (looks down at bloody head) Gross. Vlad? I gotta go. I’m trying to find Jesus. Call Kim, he lonely.
Nola picks up bloody head and starts skipping back towards the mountain.

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Reverend Lowery: And now let us look at Mark 6 verse 14. John the Baptist is beheaded by Nola Shumway’s henchman at the request of her lover Vladimir Putin. (Reverend looks up to a wide-eyed congregation)
Nola: Psst. O? Bible talk. You got a second?
Obama: Nola! You killed John the Baptist?
Nola: No. I killed some creepy, crazy man who tried to drown me.
Obama: But Nola, King Herod was supposed to do that. What is King Herod going to do now?
Nola: Have dusty sex with a lot of young girls?
Obama: Nola, this is serious. Reverend Lowery is losing his mind. You’re rewriting the bible.
Nola: Relax O, everyone rewrites the bible.
Obama: Nola.
Nola: O, I’m doing my best but the bible is confusing. I’ve been reading some of this stuff and it’s crazy. I mean like Kim Jong Il crazy. Don’t tell him I said that okay, he’s sensitive.
Obama: I agree.
Nola: Hey, O, riddle me this: Why was this Jesus guy preaching about the end of times if he knew the end of times wouldn’t be for at least two thousand years. I mean, I don’t tell my grandma about the fact that I’m already sterile because of the Chlamydia I caught while I was doing that research in Slovakia. You know why? Because by the time I get around to having kids she won’t be alive. There isn’t any point in worrying her.
Obama: Nola.
Nola: So, I’m going to find this Jesus guy.
Obama: Nola.
Nola: And when I do he better pray there is a god. And he better hope it’s his daddy. Good day Mr. President.
Obama closes his bible and looks around. The congregation is staring at him. Their eyes move from him to the Reverend. Finally the reverend again begins to speak.

Reverend Lowery: (nervous) Where was I?

CUT TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Nola tumbles from the mountain and knocks Jesus over.
Jesus: A dove?
Nola: No, dummy, a hot mess. (Pulling down her shorts and up her feather panties) This tanga was a gift from mi amor Vladimir Putin. (She tugs on a ripped feather) Great it’s ruined. (To Jesus) Vladdy is going to poison me! (Looks at Jesus)You must know him (accusingly, with her face in his face)
Jesus: (to his followers) who is this child to speak in such a –
Nola: (interrupting)WHO AM I…To speak in such a commanding manner? Dare you question who she is? She, who talks to you as if you were that thing she despises most openly and unapologetically about this world? It is of no concern to you who I am, or even what I am. (Pause) However, understanding that you are-and I forgive it- only humans I suppose you will require a name to this face. Typical isn’t it? For nothing exists until a human has named it.
CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Churchgoer: That’s some real deep shit, right there.

CUT BACK TO NOLA:

Nola: (to Jesus) you win, from this point on I will be introducing myself as Nola of Skid Row. And you, no doubt, are Jesus. (Reaches into her pocket and pulls out three stones) Turn these into bread.
Jesus: My child, I cannot.
(Nola flips through her Bible for Dummies.)
Nola: Well, according to this Matthew guy, you turned two fish into a million fish. Unless you’re with Gorton’s, and are selling fish sticks, I don’t see how that’s possible. I want to see a miracle Jeeeeeesus.
Jesus: A man planted a vineyard. He put a wall around it, dug a pit for the winepress-
Nola: -zZzZz…
Jesus: – and built a watchtower. Then he rented the-
Nola: zZzZz…
Jesus: – vineyard to some farmers and went away on a journey.
Nola: zZzZz…
Jesus: My child?… Nola…Nola!
Nola: Sorry, fell asleep. Standing up, (to Jesus’ followers) if that don’t seem like a miracle to you I don’t know what does. (Back to Jesus) Look, I don’t need you to talk to me like I’m an idiot. I did eight years on skid row and I’m a Rhodes Scholar. I’m really smart.
Jesus: We are all Road’s scholars, my child.
Nola: Shut it Koresh. All I’m trying to find out is whether or not everything I’m reading in this BFD is true. Can you really turn water into wine? And if so can you go one more and turn it into vodka? I could sure use a Cosmo.

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Rahm: (whispering over Obama’s shoulder) Mr. President, they’re starting to tweet.
Obama: (looks over at the congregation who all have Iphones out feverishly typing. Looks up to reverend Lowery who is sweating profusely.) But we can all see the changes. Look, Rahm, you see right here in Mark 1:12:
And immediately the Nola driveth him into the wilderness.
Nola then asks Jesus to prove his worthyness.
It is plain as day on the pages.
Rahm: I see it, you see it, and poor Reverend Lowery sees it. The trouble is, people don’t actually read the bible. They’re counting on the Reverend to give them the good word. And the good word on the streets is that Nola is the Devil.
Obama: Oh Jesus!

CUT TO NOLA AND JESUS IN THE WILDERNESS:

Jesus: God? Is that you?
Nola: You know, sometimes I think maybe you are the son of god? You know why? You know why? Because you are completely retarded! (Pushes past Jesus knocking him over, looks up to the sky) Hey O. What’s the haps?
Obama: Nola, your time there is over. I want you to head back to Bethlehem. I will have the secret service pick you up there.
Nola: (her foot out in front her, she moves her leg in a half circle motion looking as cute as possible) But, Oooooo, I’m just starting to relax here. I’m interrogating Jesus. I just asked –
Obama: -Yes, you just asked him to turn water into vodka. Nola, this is serious. Reverend Lowery has been preaching it all in church today. Every move you make there is showing up here, in our bibles. The congregation has started Tweeting about it. We failed to see the connection before: Nola is a nickname for New Orleans.
Nola: For the love of Turkish bathes! I’m going to need to change my name.
Obama: So the Reverend preached about Nola taking Jesus into the wilderness and now the congregation is up in arms, saying that I am now involved with a Reverend who preaches that New Orleans is the devil.
Nola: HAHAHAHAAHHAHA. O, you almost had me. That is funny. How could anyone (pulling out her iphone, pulling up Twitterfon app) actually believe such-

Nola: Sufferin Suckatash!
Obama: Rahm is on damage control. You may need to be introduced to the public at some point. Nola, you’re on the radar now and we need to figure out the best course of action from here. I think what you need to do immediately is to make your way back to Bethlehem, hastily. And please, for the love of country Nola, don’t talk to anyone.
Nola: Got it. Sewing my mouth shut. Back to Bethlehem.
TO BE CONTINUED………

Nola in the nude: A Testament To Luke

The gospel according to
LUKE

SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

(Nola turns and she is standing in a church beside a man praying.)

Nola: Oh God damn it, where is he? Jesus! Fuck! Where did that little bitch go?
Zacharias: (looks up at Nola) Jesus? Who is Jesus?
Nola: (looks down) As if I’m gonna tell you. Who are you?
Zacharias: Zacharias.

Nola looks down at her Bible for Dummies:
Zach-a-ri’-as

Nola: Zacharias, huh, you’re the father of that dastardly John the beheaded.
Zacharias: Father? (excited) I am to have a son?
Nola: (she slaps him) Hey crazy, don’t get too excited. He turns out to be a real wacko. Here, take two of these. (hands him a couple sheets of acid) Go lay down.
Zacharias: But a son? I have a son and name him John?
Nola: (confused) Yeah, you know, he baptizes Jesus, you know, the supposed son of god or if you prefer- Nephew. John tried to drown me. I got rid of him. (whilst bowing) You are welcome.
Zacharias: Bless you my angel. For you were sent from God.
Nola: Uh, noooooo. I was sent here for my protection. Okay. Because I sliced up my cellmate’s face. With a dirty razor. That’s all. No god, no miracle. (pulls out dirty razor and slices through the air) Just a moment of shear, pardon the pun, brilliance.
Zacharias: (running off screaming) A son! He comes and will be named John! He will baptize Jesus the son of God!
Nola: (yelling after him) Don’t forget the part about when I have him beheaded!
(Nola continues walking for what seems like days. She arrives to a town called Jerusalem. She sees a young effeminate boy hanging out at a church.)
Nola: Hi. (she waves spastically) I’m Nola, Nola Shumway. Friend to sinners, foe to saints.
Jesus: I am Jesus of Galilee.
Nola: No you’re not.
Jesus: Yes I am.
Nola: (getting upset) No, (forced smile) you’re…not! (pause) Twerp.
Jesus: (stands up) Yes! I! Am!
Nola: The Jesus I met is a man. You are a little boy.
Jesus: I’m twelve! My mother, Mary…
Nola: The slut?
Jesus: She told me that when I was a baby, angels came to my dad and said that I was the son of god.
Nola: Aren’t we all?
Jesus: Then when I was a baby they took me to the temple and there was this old man who said he had to see Christ before he died. And then (Nola is biting her nails impatiently) my mom and dad took me to him and he held me and he said
Nola: (reading from her bible) and I quote ‘For mine eyes have seen thy salvation,’ big whoop. Same thing happened to me. You know what he was looking for? My eight year old vagina. So some pervert in the church had a boner for a little kid. Trust me; this is news to no one.
Jesus: Wait, who are you? How do you know that?
Nola: I’m Nola. And you (whips out leash and puts it around his neck) are coming with me.
Jesus: (walking behind Nola away from the temple) You aren’t very nice. Where did you come from?
Nola: Skid row. Sort of looks like Galilee but with boxes and needles. Everyone knows you there. You’re famous. They cry out for you all night long. ‘help me Jesus, help me!’ So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to take you to them.
Jesus: But I have to go home and help mom with dinner.
Nola: Jesus, I hate to bring this up, but, you know, if I were you I would run away. Your mom is a slut, your dad is delusional. Your aunt and uncle are fame seekers. They’ve quite the life planned for you. Did you know that someday you are going to have to die, for my sins?
Jesus: What?
Nola: You heard me. According to Matthew-
Jesus: -Who is Matthew?
Nola: (looking up from her bible for dummies) No one you ever knew. And according to Mark.
Jesus: Mark?
Nola: Nobody important. A biographer of sorts. But according to them, and Luke… and John and eighty percent of the United States, (Jesus opens his mouth to speak and Nola puts her hand over his mouth) you are going to die for my sins.
Jesus: (wiping his snotty nose) But why would I die for your sins?
Nola: (flipping furiously through the bible) Um, I don’t know. I haven’t figured that out yet. But that’s what happens.

(they walk in silence a bit further)

Nola: Hey, Jesus, what’s it like- to have two dads? It must be really confusing. (pause) Hey, do you call one Gay ol’ Dad? That would be appropriate.

Off in the distance Mary and Joseph arrive at the temple only to see Jesus a hundred yards away walking with a girl.

Mary: Jesus!
Joseph: On a leash!

Cut to Evergreen Chapel:

Reverend Lowery: Jesus! On a leash!

CUT TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Voice from the sky: NOoooLaaaa! Nola Shumway!
Nola: oh Shiite! What? What now O? I’m in the middle of something. (looks at Jesus, who has just peed his robe)
Obama: Nola, I know very well what you are doing. I want you to keep moving. Back to Bethlehem.
Nola: But O!
Obama: No, Nola. This congregation is ready to wage war on the good Reverend. No more shenanigans.
Nola: Brittle Dicks! I’m just trying to be a good person and help.
Obama: (chuckling) Sure Nola. I’m sure you are. Just get back okay?
Nola: Okay, O, I’ll be good. (grabs her tatas) Scouts honor.
Obama: You were never a scout.
Nola: I dress up like one for Vladimir.
Obama: (chuckling) You are so silly, Sweet Pretty Young Nola.
Nola: (‘hail Hitler’ salute) Back to Bethlehem for me and Jesus!
Joseph: (from off) ON A LEASH!

CUT TO THE EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Meanwhile back at the Evergreen Chapel, the congregation is now riveted by the craziness coming out of Reverend Lowery’s mouth. He continues to read, and they sit, hunched forward, some standing, urging him along:

Reverend Lowery: Uh, we are still in Luke, I’m not sure which chapter or verse. Ahem. (pause) Ha. Nola then turned and was standing on an empty dirt road. Jesus lost to her once again. An angry mob stands behind her. A man says to Nola, ‘you are the devil.’ Nola parted her lips, which made the mob quiver, but then closed her mouth, knowing full well who had told them that she must be the devil. The speaker for angry mob said ‘you will be sorry; you have crossed the son of god.’ And Nola did, then, raise her head and say ‘hahaha hahaha hahahaha. Hahaha hahahaha hahahaha. Is that supposed to frighten me? Hahaha hahaha hhahahaha. You tell your little slippery, black friend.
Congregation holus bolus: What? Did she just say black? Oh, I knew it girl. Jesus is black.
(applause erupts from the congregation- cheers and shouts of ‘Hallelujah’, ‘praise black Jesus’, and ‘New Orlins the devil’. Meanwhile Obama sits, in the corner with his head buried in his bible, desperately trying to locate Nola)
Reverend Lowery: ‘You tell your little slippery black friend that I’ve been looking for him. He keeps disappearing on me. The man laughed and turned to his group, ‘ha, the doubter claims he has not the power of miracles, yet she says herself she has seen him disappear. Hahaha’ Nola walked over to the man, pulled out a knife, dropped to the ground and stabbed him in the shin. As the man lay on the ground crying like a little bitch, Nola crawled alongside him and said ‘I was going to try to help you and your stupid little friends, but now I’m angry. You know what I know about your precious little cult leader that you don’t?
Congregation woman: Girl, this is better than Angels and Demons.
Reverend Lowery: ‘You know what I know about your precious little cult leader that you don’t? He’s going to die. Soon. Yeah, I got a message for your American buddy, you tell that murderer, that Maria’s never going to meet him. You tell him that Chino found out about them, and shot Her! She’s dead.

Record playing on the record player in the Chapel skips. Reverend stops looks up. Puzzled faces in the congregation.

Woman: (confused) Wait, girl, ain’t that from West Side Story?
Man: Who is Maria? Did she mean Mary?

Obama leaves the room with Bible in hand. He immediately opens it and finds Nola Skipping back to Bethlehem.

CUT TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTEMANT:

Obama: Nola! West Side Story? Really? I am very upset with you at the moment.
Nola: (skipping) Well, get in line, O, I’ve got an angry mob of pedophiles after me, Jesus is missing and off his leash, and this Bible for dummies has a vague map situation. I’m lost and my Iphone isn’t pulling up maps. I’m moving as fast as I can. Quit bugging me. I’ll see you soon.
Obama: I’ll pray that you do.

To be continued…… (one more time)