Tag Archives: Al Gore

A Whale of a Tale Part 1: frivolous law, wool suits, and Wolf.

We join our sweet, pretty young Nola inside the 11th circuit district courthouse, in Miami Dade Florida.

Bailiff: The honorable Judge Sauls now presides. Please stand.

Nola: (to client) It’s fine if you just stay put. And actually, if you could just move as little as possible, this wool suit is a mess if it gets wet.

Judge Sauls: Aww, Nola Shumway, such a pleasure seeing you again. Haven’t seen you since-

Nola: -Two thousand. Recount.  Chads.

Judge: Is Al-

Nola: -Still bitter?

Judge: (chuckling) Come on, he can’t still be upset.

Nola: Upset, no, not upset. He’s totally over it.

Judge: Great. Let’s get started. Before we begin lets settle the costs incurred to be here. Nola, have you any expenses you wish to recoup by means of lawsuit this morning.

Nola: Yes, your honor, on the way in this morning I bought a Trip-Vent-Skinny-3pump-Mo. And I would like to sue the Starbucks on Flagler and SW Miami.

Judge: On what grounds?

Nola: Coarse, your honor. I believe the coffee was ground in a coarse manner causing the pleasure of drinking it to go down a substantial amount. Substantial enough to represent a monetary amount of $4.80.

Judge: Awarded. Anything else?

Nola: Yes, $25.00 for parking.

Judge: Validated.

Judge: Does the prosecutor have anything?

Nola: (to herself) I smell a Twart. (Looks at her phone) Aha moment!!

Prosecutor Rundle: Um, (looking up from phone) No, I’m good.

Nola: She was Twatting! (Holds up phone)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nola: You should hold her in content of court!

Prosecutor Rundle: That’s contempt, you little girl.

Nola: No, content. I’ve read your Twats. Someone should sue you. In fact, Judge, may I approach the wench?

Judge: You may not, we’re moving on with the real matter at hand: The State and Sea World VS Till-ee-kills-um.

(Snickering from Prosecution side)

Nola: Objection! We know the name is Tilikum. That is an obvious attempt to sway the voters.

Judge: Nola. In this courthouse, you will refer to them as jurors.

Nola glances over at jurors…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Judge Sauls: We’ll begin with opening arguments. We start with the Prosecution.

Prosecutor Rundle: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

Let us cut to CNN….

Wolf: Hello everybody, on this afternoon of firsts. For the first time ever an animal will stand trial for murder. Thankfully the judge has allowed cameras into the courtroom so we’ll be able to follow every detail as it is presented. Also, for the very first time ever, you at home will have a say in the outcome of the trial! To explain how it works I’ll turn you over to my lovely co host, Nancy Grace. Nancy?

Nancy: Wolf, wolf, wolf. Hahaha. Okay, listen this is how it’s gonna work. Who knows the judicial system better than your ordinary, plain citizens at home? Who? No one! That’s who! So, at the bottom of the screen we’ll be interrupting our previous interruptions with a number to text your vote to. What are ya’ll  voting on? All sorts of stuff. For instance right now, (looking at a CNN screen) the question at the bottom says “are you over the prosecutor’s opening statement’? If yes text 01 to 88991. If no text 02 to 88991.

Let us cut back to the Courthouse….

Prosecutor Rundle: And, I also would like to point out the facts-

Producer: (waving his arms behind a camera at prosecutor) you’re done! You’re done! Stop talking! Stop talking!

Prosecutor Rundle: Your honor, I rest my opening argument.

Judge Sauls: Let us now hear from the defense.

Nola: Yes. (Gets out her ‘In Memory of Harvey Milk crate and stands on it) Injustice! Injustice! (Throws herself on the ground, kicking and screaming) I want to win! This isn’t fair! I want my bottle! (Bailiff hands Nola a baby bottle) No, you idiot, my Vodka bottle! (Screaming and crying)

Judge Sauls: Nola!

Nola: (looks up) yes?

Judge Sauls: Is this your opening statement?

Nola:  It’s how I became state debate champion in Illinois.

Judge Sauls: Get up.

Nola: Fine. Defense rests. Literally. I’m tuckered. I’ll be snoozing with Tili. Wake me when you need us. Or chowtime. (Runs and jumps up on Judges bench, pulls a knife from her boot, holds it to his throat) BUT… NOT… BEFORE. (Climbs down, sits back in her seat, puts her head down and starts to snore)

Prosecutor Rundle: Your honor, for our first witness, the state calls head of Cnn breaking news programming.

Nola: ZzZzZ

Man comes over with stack of books and begins the swearing in process:

 

 

 

 

 

 

45 minutes later……

Prosecutor Rundle: Please state your name for the court.

Cnn guy: My name is Cnn, Guy. Guy Cnn.

Prosecutor Rundle: Guy, I’m going to play back a video for you and I want you to tell me what you see.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cnn guy: It’s a whale. Sitting in a pool.

Nola: (shouts) Objection. Your honor a whale cannot ‘sit’ in a pool.

Judge Sauls: Overruled.

Nola: Come on…

Judge Sauls: Nola, the whale is clearly sitting, in a chair, next to you.

 Nola looks over at Tilikum. Reaches into her bucket o fish, throws one into his mouth and sits down.

Nola: You’re right. Proceed. (Goes back to her nap)

Judge Sauls: Nola! I say proceed! (pause) Proceed.

Nola: ZzZzZ

Prosecutor Rundle: And on the day in question what did you see?

Cnn guy: Um, well nothing. I mean, we knew that the whale killed the trainer.

Prosecutor Rundle: Yes because you saw this tape. I’m going to play it again. Anything else you noticed?

Nola: ZzZzZ

Cnn guy: No, I mean, we just knew that the Killer whale-

Nola: (jumps up out of her slumber) Objection! Alleged Killer Whale. Ah-ledge-jid! Witness is swaying the voters.

Judge Sauls: Sustained. You will refer the defendant as the alleged Killer whale.

 Prosecutor Rundle: If I could, play this tape a few hundred times. I think then we’ll get the idea. (two hours of replaying tape sitting in the pool) Yes, you see the whale is sitting in the pool. And this is after the attack (pause) alleged attack. And we start to see the picture. It gets clearer as you keep watching. This alleged Killer whale savagely and mercilessly killed this beautiful young trainer who was full of life. Isn’t that what this video, which you so bravely and dutifully showed to the public for hours on end, shows?

Cnn guy: Um, no, well like I was saying, we knew that the whale had (glances at Nola who makes a throat slicing motion toward him) um, allegedly killed the trainer. The video we put on loop because we didn’t really have anything else to do.

Prosecutor Rundle: (to tea party jurors) Be-cause they did-n’t have any-thing else… to…. Do. The despair, of this network. The trauma. (Prosecutor’s aide/make up artist tugs on her pant leg)

Prosecutor’s aide: Um, we’re trying the whale for murder, you’re off track. And shiny. Blot.

Prosecutor Rundle: Oh, yeah. Um, so the whale did it. Prosecution rests.

Let us now Cut back to Cnn for more late breaking news

Wolf: Wow, well, the prosecution makes a strong case. I guess it’s up to the defense to save the whale. Nancy, I understand you have some polling numbers.

Nancy Grace: Wolf, wolf, wolf. Let me just say this nation is full of armchair lawyers. 53%, a huge majority of our viewers think the whale made a huge mistake in taking Nola Shumway as counsel. We’ll see what this little eight year old has up her sleeve, but I gotta tell you Wolf in all my 9 months as a trial lawyer, I gotta say, I’ve never seen a more open and shut case. The viewers agree. I call this for the prosecution.

(Her cell rings)

Nancy:  Oh, hello Nola. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Ha-ha. Yeah. (hangs up) Well Wolf, that was Nola. We have a bet. If she wins this one I have to throw my babies off the Brooklyn Bridge. Ha-ha. Funny. Wolf, back to you.

Let us cut back to the courthouse

Judge Sauls: We’re going to take a break. Court will adjourn for a 15 minute status update break.  

To be continued………

Whale of a Tale Part 2: The defense calls…

Let us rejoin the  courthouse:

Judge: Defense.

Nola: ZzZzZ

Judge: Defense!

Nola: (waking up from her deep slumber, confused) What…Huh… Are you my mother?

Whale: MUUUU. MUUUUUUU. MUUUUUUU.

Nola: What? I don’t speak whale. (to the judge) Does the court reporter speak whale?

Court Reporter: Que?

Nola: Never mind.

She pulls out her Idon’tPhone and babelmammals the text:

 

Nola: Oh, we’re up. Sweet.  Cnn guy! Yes, question, (pulls out two pictures and shows to the visit) Can you tell the difference between these two people?

Cnn guy: No.

Nola: Tea partiers, note the witness cannot tell these two apart. Defense exhibit A and B. One picture of Kathy Rundle looks just the same as one picture of Katherine Harris. (Nola walks to her table, and high fives Al Gore, who has been sitting quietly the whole time.)

Nola: I’m done with this witness. Get him out of my sight. I would like to call my first witness! (To Al) Cue the music.

Lady Gaga’s instrumental of Bad Romance begins to play it. Over it a Tiger’s roar. The lights dim, the court doors fly open and in walks Montecore

Music: Rawr Rawr, Rawr Rawr Rawr, Rawr Rawr, RawrRawrRawrrrrr, Rawr Rawr, RawrRawrRawrrrrrr

After twenty five laps inside the witness stand, Montecore settles in and sits down

Nola: Hello Kittay! (They air kiss on both cheeks) Muah. Muah. Lovely to see you.

Montecore: Hey girl.

Nola: So, you were raised in captivity?

Montecore: Ohmagawd girl, you already know that. You’ve been to my house like a million times.

Nola: Monte, we’re in court. (whispers) you gotta pretend we aren’t beasties.

Montecore: Oh, gotcha. (loudly) No, we never met before. (winks)

Nola: Again, you were raised in captivity?

Montecore: Yeah.

Nola: By Siegfried and Roy?

Montecore: Yeah, sugar, they were my daddays.

Nola: What happened on Oct 2003?

Montecore: Sugarnipslooook,Im gonna be straight wich chew. There was this tacky ass bitch in like the fifth row, andshewasalllikewhisperingovertoherfriendlike ‘ya’ll see that half black Tiger?’ AndIwaslikeoohmygawd,didshejustsaythatlikeRoyI’mgonnabitethatbeetch.AndhewasalllikenoMoMo Vie hav to do sie show. And so then I don’t know, like you like when you get a feelin’ you know and you just can’t control yourself, I just ripped into Roy’s neck. And plus I was pissed at Roy.

Judge: I’m sorry, can the court reporter read that back slowly?  I think we missed some of that.

Court Reporter: Shugar neeps luke. Im go-nah be straight wich chew. Dare was dees tacky

Judge: Stop! Do we have a translator for the court reporter? Nevermind. (to Montecore) please speak slowly.

Montecore: Okay because sometimes when I get dee nerves I speak fast.

Judge: Well breathe. Proceed Nola.

Nola: So why did you try to rip Roy’s face off?

Montecore: Because he was prrr prrr hitting prrr prrr me a lot and stuff like that.

Nola: Can you describe his penis?

Prosecutor: Objection! Leading!

Nola: I’m trying to establish a pattern of sexual abuse endured by the witness at the hands of his captor.

Judge: he never said anything about sexual abuse.

Nola: No, he didn’t, (motioning to the jury) but they heard it. False seeds produce true fruits. Right?

Nola high fives Montecore

Judge: Medic!

Nola: (licking the blood from her hand) I’m fine, I’m fine. Geesh. (winks) Defense is finished with this gorgeous witness. (pause)  Ladies and gentleman of the jury, let the record show that this animal snapped after suffering years of abuse. Abuse, that the For Now United States of America condoned by allowing this sexual act to go on.

Judge: Nola.

Nola: What? I’ve seen their act your honor, it’s very homo erotic. Middle America loves it.

Judge: Prosecution?

Prosecutor: Yes, your honor. On that note,  Montecore, do you think the fact that you were raised by gay parents had a lot to do with your behavior?

Montecore: No, biotch, I think the fact that IM A FUCKING TIGER HAD A LOT TO DO WITH MY BEHAVIOR! If someone don’t geet these beetch outta my face.

Prosecutor: You may step down.

Montecore leaves

Music: RAwr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr…….

Nola: Your honor, for my next witness I’d like to call Steven H Chimp, brother to deceased chimp Travis.

Steven H Chimp enters the courthouse, swears on all 20 forms of religious articles and then takes a seat

Nola: Hi Steven. Can you tell us a bit about your brother Travis.

Steven: Um, well, until that bitch Sandra started medicating him he was a nice enough guy. He was always a little strange, you know, growing up the way he did. But then when he started that anxiety medication, it was like a bomb went off inside of him. So, one day, he just went crazy and ripped that lady’s face off.

Nola: (holds up a picture of a lady) Steven, can you tell me what this looks like to you?

Steven: It looks like a woman who has had her face ripped off by a monkey.

Nola: It does. And, can you tell me who this woman is?

Steven: It’s the prosecutor.

Nola: It is…She is ugly, isn’t she?

Steven: Yeah, she’s pretty ugly. (he poos and then flings it at her)

Nola: Hahahahaha. Hahahaha. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha.

The courtroom erupts with laughter

Judge: Order! Order in the court!

Nola jumps up on the judge’s bench

Nola: Cheeseburger and fries please.

Judge: If I get a side of onion rings will you split them with me?

Nola: Sure!

Prosecutor: Objection! Why do we always eat where she wants to eat?

Nola: Because I’m cute.

Judge: Sustained.

Nola:  Okay. Back to my case. Jury, I think what this witness is trying to convey is that his brother suffered abuse at the hands of his capture. His only recourse was to rip the face off the prosecutor.

Prosecutor: Objection! Defense threatens!

Judge: Sustained. Counsel, watch yourself.

Nola: Fine. Sufferin Succotash you people are so serious. Defense calls Sea World penguins to the stand.

45 minutes after a line of penguins marches into the courtroom, Nola begins her examination

Nola: You suffer from claustrophobia, true?

Penguin: Yep.

Nola: Your honor, I’d like to play a video now for the court. Penguin number 1, what do you see on this video?

Penguin: (Opens his beak)

Nola: (interrupting) yes, that’s me! Genius wasn’t it? Best way to outsource your own protest is to show up to an immigration protest. Those darn illegals, they had no idea what those signs I gave them even said.

Let us cut to KCal newscast about protest at City Hall:

‘Hi, I’m Rick Garcia. (Chuckles) Seems some people got mixed up about what they were protesting down at city hall today. Ha-ha. Let’s cut to the video.

Let us cut back to the courtroom:

Nola: (to the jury) Do you see the pattern that is developing? Innocent wild animals forced to live in captivity and treated awfully. Penguins, you may step down.

In the meantime Nola has had the entrance to the stand sprayed down with snow, so that as the penguins leave the stand they flop on their bellies and slide out.

2 minutes later:

Nola: Your honor, defense calls its final witness, Steve Irwin’s crocodile. Now obviously, in interest of keeping the court safe, we’ve had to tie his mouth shut, so he’d like me to read a statement:

Dearest esteemed court, and members of the tea party jury,

My name is Crocodile. I was one of the crocodiles used during the filming of the ‘Crocodile Hunter’ Let it be known that during filming I was never compensated, I had to go without meals, and I was continuously harassed by Mr. Irwin and his offspring.  I don’t wish to go into details, but those were the most painful years of my life.

Sincerely,

Crocodile

(Nola puts away the paper and addresses the Judge)

Nola: Your honor, the defense takes a nap. Croc, you may step down.

Judge: Okay, well let’s recess and start with closing statements in the morning.

Prosecutor: (leaps out of her chair) Hold it! Prosecution calls rebuttal witness to the stand.

Nola: Huh? The croc had me read a statement. You wouldn’t even let him open his jaw. Who could possibly have anything to say about his testimony?

Prosecutor: Prosecution calls Stingray to the stand.

Court gasps….

Judge: Order! Give me my order!

Nola: Your honor, I need a moment to interfere on behalf of my client.

To be continued….