Exit polls, firearms and soapboxes! Don’t it smell like an election?


Asked outside of his polling station in Bell Gardens Precinct 123672aa how the vote went, Jules had the following response: “Vote? Motherfuckas wouldn’t let me in the mothefuckin community center. What kind of motherfuckin community center got metal detectors. And why are those motherfuckers on during an election? What? Is a motherfucka gonna run up in his own polling station and shoot up some motherfuckas votin for the same shit? Little woman over there wouldn’t even let my ass through the door. No on eight, Motherfuckas.”

We caught up with one of our wedding planners making a mad dash to her car outside the Manhattan Beach polling station and she had this to say: “I wasn’t registered! Can you believe that? I’ve been so busy registering these stupid, idiotic brides at Target, I forgot all about registering myself. (looks at watch) Damn. And now I have to get all the way out to Encino in an hour to pick up some doves for a six o’clock wedding. I’m not going to make it! Bye, (shouts back as she runs off) Please vote No on 8–I hate doves!!!!!!!”

Henry Hasten, sitting on the curb outside his downtown polling station, had this to say: “What were the odds that they would have lost my mail in registration. I mean the odds were in my favor. I know they were. I suspect this has something to do with an interview I gave to one Nola Shumway a few days ago. No on eight. Statistically speaking, we still have a chance.”

Ted Haggard speaking from Sacramento State Prison: “I had no idea we weren’t able to vote. I’m hopeful though. I’m leading prayer tonight so I’m going to have to cut this short. No on 8! It’s never too late to come out in support of that which is your truest nature. And god loves everyman!

Wait a gosh darn sec! You mean to tell me, or more appropriately, I mean to tell you that not one of our Fiesty ferocious do gooders voted on Prop 8?

Wait! What about Nola? Where is she? Where’s Nola?

We now join Nola Shumway at her polling place somewhere in the vicinity of Pico and Robertson on the westside of Los Angeles…

We find Miss Shumway standing in the center of a local community center, on a hand painted crate that says SOAP screaming into a megaphone: “And let me tell you sum’tin else!!! Anyone who has ever benefited from civil rights legislation owes us a vote. Any lame ass comedian who has pulled out a gay joke for an easy laugh owes us a vote. And for that matter, for poisoning the world with your stupid comedy, you owe us a two vote minimum. Any man who’s ever said ‘That’s gay’ owes us a vote. You all owe us a vote and today we collect! Ain’t that right HoneyBunny? No on 8! Pay up you freeloaders!!.”

Nola is immediately escorted outside and we catch up with her just as they are about to put her in the squad car. “Okay, okay, maybe the soapbox was a little much, but come on! You’re telling me this shirt (Nola is wearing a grey shirt that reads “it’s okay to be an ass today”) is a problem? What, Is it against the law to try to persuade voters at the polls? (Nola is told it is) Fine, but in my defense it’s not like that lady isn’t doing the same thing. (camera pans over to a slightly overweight woman who is reading a tabloid, drinking a McDonald’s latte and humming a Rascal Flatts song.) She should be escorted out as well! She is just as obviously trying to persuade voters!” (Nola is tucked into the car and as they drive away she screams silently through the back window no on eight, no on eight, this is an injustice, I’ll say hello to Ted for you…….”

So kids, what’s the moral of this very convoluted story? The moral is that it is not enough to be passionate about a cause. You have to act. VOTE! Vote because Jules, Wedding planners, Henry, Ted and Nola didn’t.

But what about HoneyBunny? Where in God’s hell is that H.B. (heinous bitch)

Oh- your story teller forgot– HoneyBunny didn’t vote. She was busy filming a reshoot for her last scene in a previous blog:

On a sound stage somewhere in the Valley HoneyBunny enters polling station and with guns out screams at the frightened voters: “everybody vote no on eight or I execute every last motherfuckin one of ya………..

Home(less) is where my heart is…

It seems to me that the homeless population of Los Angeles is in need of an advisor. I nominate myself. The following are some very useful tips in which, I believe, will help to better serve the homeless plight.

– Stop the angry begging tactics. If you ask a person for a dollar, and they politely refuse, move on to the next person. Under no circumstances should you harass them. Keep in mind, you don’t like them harassing you when you’re trying to take a nice long nap on the sidewalk they use to walk to work. You also don’t like it when they stare at you in Starbucks because you just sat on the “comfy” chairs that they can no longer sit on because of the smell that is now stuck to the fabric. You don’t like it when they judge you, so don’t judge them. They might not have given you money because they have their own personal neighborhood homeless that they support. I personally pay a homeless couple in my neighborhood about ten dollars a week and I’m glad to do it. Because of this however, I do not give to any other homeless people I encounter outside my neighborhood.
– And speaking of supporting your local homeless, I have another idea. You should congregate more. Why are you always by yourself? You should be out meeting other homeless people. Start a homeless gang. Then when you hit up people for money, more people would be likely to give. I’m more likely to give up money to a homeless gang of five then a single homeless person.
– I notice some of you offer to wash windows in parking lots. Right idea, wrong tactic. People like to have windows done properly, by a car wash. They are very particular about it. One thing you could do is put all of your money into buying an air compressor (another reason for a gang, pool resources) . Hang out on busy intersections during rush hour and offer to fill tires for people. This would be very effective with women. We hate putting air in our tires. I would be willing to pay at least three dollars to have this service done by a homeless person. *Also, if you get really good at this it could lead to job opportunities. Nascar is always looking for fast pit crews. Another job that could be a great money maker is parking space sitter. Many people who live in apartment-filled neighborhoods would really enjoy having a homeless person “sit” on their parking spot all day. All you need to do is walk up to them in the morning and say “hello ma’am, I notice you are leaving and I would like to sit in this spot for you until you come back tonight so that you don’t have trouble finding parking.” –now, if someone pays you the money you must remain there until they get back. This is a verbal agreement and should be treated as if you had signed your name to a contract.

Keep checking in (from the Beverly Hills Library) for helpful tips on how better to navigate the city as a homeless person.
Good Day, warm night-
Nola Shumway
Official Advisor, Helping the Homeless