We return to the third and final installment of Whale of a Tale:
StingRay is placed on the stand and the swearing-in books are placed in his tank.
Just as he is about to place his barb on the books the Judge interrupts –
Judge: Witness may proceed without swearing in.
Prosecutor Rundle: StingRay.
Prosecutor Rundle: Care to tell us how it is that you came to kill Steve Irwin?
StingRay: Alright, sure, mate. That croc over there ‘proached me to do a deal. Said he needed to get rid of that crikey white devil. Said he pay me ten squid to off him. So that’s what I did.
Prosecutor Rundle: No further questions.
Nola: Sting Ray Can you tell me which of these two is the croc that approached you about murdering Steve Irwin?
StingRay: The one on the left.
Nola: You’re positive?
StingRay: I’m positive.
Nola: (to jury) Let the record show witness has admitted to being HIV positive and also that he is sure that the ‘croc’ on the left is the one he spoke too.
Prosecutor Rundle: Objection! Defense is salamandering the witness.
Nola: Fine. I strike my statement. Let the record show witness denies being HIV positive and believes that the croc on the left is the croc he spoke with.
Prosecutor Rundle: Oh Jesus! I give up!
Nola: Let the record show that both of these pictures are in fact of the same…. Alligator!
Nola: Witness can’t tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile! Remove him.
StingRay slaps Nola across the face with his wing. She flies across the room, hits the wall slides to the floor, gets up and takes her seat next to the ‘Alleged’ Killer Whale.
Judge: Closing statements. Prosecution?
Prosecutor Rundle stands at her table and addresses the jury –
Prosecutor Rundle: I need a drink.
Judge: Very well. Defense?
Nola throws herself on the ground and goes on a fifteen minute tantrum
Nola: I don’t wanna- it’s not fair, you can’t make me… waaaa…. Waaa. And another thing…. I don’t wanna… It isn’t fair!
Fifteen minutes later
Nola: (rolling around on the floor) I don’t think it’s fair! I don’t wanna!
Nola: But it’s not fair! I don’t wanna!
Prosecutor Rundle: This is childish even for a child. I can’t believe I’m here.
Judge: I think we get it.
Nola: Great. I’ll be outside playing double dutch with the homeless. (She skips out) Lalala lalala lalala….
Judge: Jury, please remove yourselves to deliberate.
Let us now cut to CNN
Nancy Grace: Well Wolf, the texts just keep on comin’ in and I’d say our little Miss Nola is going to have to put up a big fat L on her forehead because the case that the prosecution presented was just too much to argue with. Who can argue with ‘I need a drink’, who? I certainly couldn’t. It looks like I’m not going to get to throw my babies off the Brooklyn Bridge after all.
Wolf: You meant to say have – right? You meant to say you weren’t going to have to throw your babies over the Brooklyn Bridge. Right?
Nancy: (throws her head back) Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha! Ha! Yes of course. (All of a sudden very serious) Let’s cut to the deliberation of the jury. For the first time ever we’ve been granted permission to listen in as the jury deliberates. Listen carefully to hear your concerned citizens fulfill their civic duty.
Nancy: Well Wolf, it looks like they are really getting into the bones of the case and really trying to get at the heart of the matter.
Wolf: I’ll be honest Nancy; I just heard a lot of crazy rambling.
Judge: Tea Party Jury, you have come to a verdict?
Tea Party Foreman: We have your honor- and may I just say that you were and only granted the power to preside over these hearings by the greatest document known to any man on any planet – The Constitution – and so you think you have the power but the true power lies in the people.
Judge: Just shut the fuck up and read the verdict.
Tea Party Foreman: Yes sir. We the jury felt that the defendant was guilty –
Nola looks down at phone
Tea Party foreman: – But then we couldin’ really agree on as to why we thought the whale was guilty so then we come up wit the solution that the whale wasn’t guilty but the victim. We think. So we find for the defendant.
Nola: Your honor, in light of the recent finding defendant asks that Sea World and furthermore the state of Florida to pay for all legal fees incurred during this trial.
Nola: Defendant wishes to be immediately released into the wild and citing the ruling Keenan VS Butler in which the victim was given the property of the perpetrator’s compound, we ask that Bristol Bay be awarded to the Whales as a sanctuary.
Nola: In the legal document I just filed two seconds ago through Legal Zoom, the crocodiles have filed a suit against the Federal Government for not protecting them against immigrants, namely and most specifically Steve Irwin and that creepy little daughter of his. The crocodiles ask that compensation be paid with the immediate take over by said crocodiles of every swamp and marsh land in the America.
Nola: On behalf of Siegfried and Roy’s Tiger, on the grounds that Montecore and many other cats were held against their will and humiliated for years we ask that the Federal Government promptly invade Africa and give it to the Tigers.
Montecore: Aw, hell no I ain’t going back to Africa. Get my ass a floor at Aria.
Nola: Motion to strike last request.
Nola: Defense instead asks that in regards to the Tiger, the Federal Government allow my Russian boyfriend to strong-arm the Vegas Casino and hotel Aria to allow for immediate accommodation of said upper level penthouse for Montecore as long as he or his heirs shall live.
Nola: (Takes out Milk crate) and another thing! Let the record show that on this day, this administration’s littlest aide, has introduced a bill which will, with my boyfriend’s money, and frankly my boyfriend’s threats, be pushed through Congress and the Senate quickly, this bill called the Animal Rights Act of 2010 says that as long as animals display signs of intelligence that surpass their human counterparts:
Nola: Then animals shall be given the same rights to freedom as all persons. Animals will no longer be used as entertainment or as slaves. And if you do use said animals for entertainment or as slaves, let it be known that this administration will come after you with the full force of our rewritten powers. And we’re going to take back what is owed to the animals; they’re environment. And we isn’t gonna quit until that whole fucking environment belongs to them again. Thank you from Florida, goodnight.
Nola high fives Al Gore
Formerly accused Killer Whale high fives Nola with his tail and sends her flying across the room. Nola it’s the wall and slides down to the floor. She looks down at her phone