NOLA DOES CHARLIE ROSE
Charlie Rose: Tonight on our show, a lil girl who in her short time on this planet has managed to accumulate more accomplishments than those five times her age. Only eight years of age and she boasts an impressive resume: As the so called right hand lil girl of the most powerful man in the free world she has taken in a ballet with the late Kim Jong Il, been involved in the debt talks and has influenced policy – though to what degree we are not aware. For the other side of this lil girl is the dark, highly secretive nature in which she works. She answers directly, and only to the President, and her methods have led to some embarrassing moments for this administration. What is it about this lil girl, who critics have called the most dangerous person in the world? My guest tonight, Nola Shumway. (to Nola) Good evening, Miss Nola Shumway.
Nola: (blushing) Hello Charlie.
Charlie: I want to start with the text message not heard round the world. Take me back to California, just before the election.
Nola: I was out in LA.
Charlie: I’ve heard, though most of my information comes from sources unwilling to go on record, I’ve heard that the then Democratic nominee President Obama had misgivings about you campaigning on the issue?
Nola: Let’s just say the only fags the B.O. was down with at that point were his Newports.
Charlie: But you campaigned anyways. What was the slogan? The first time I heard it I remember thinking ‘this girl has something special.’
Charlie: It didn’t work out though did it? You got arrested?
Nola: Exit Polls, firearms and Soapboxes! Don’t it smell like an election? They missed that quote in the paper. One of my finest if you ask me. But yes, arrested I was. But I was sprung in no time and headed to the Half-White House.
Charlie: Ah, the fateful first meeting of the President and his men.
Nola: And little girl.
Charlie: Were you nervous?
Nola: I prefer a big entrance in those moments. I busted in and screamed ‘Shumway, Nola Shumway. I like my olives garish and I hate martinis’
Charlie: Understood, but here you are the youngest aide to the first African American President amidst the most important men in the world. It’s got to get to you.
Nola: Only one of them got to me.
Charlie: Ah. Vladimir Putin. Your rumored beau.
Nola: I can’t confirm or deny because I’m told it’s illegal. I could marry my cousin in about 20 different states but I can’t shack up with an old man until I’m 18. I’ve negotiated treaties between countries, infiltrated terrorist networks and the government wants to tell me, I, as an 8 year old, can’t make decisions about who I’m humping? It’s radicchio.
Charlie: Do you see why some may be concerned?
Nola: I was sent by the President of the United States to gain intel on one of the most closed off societies in the world using any method deemed appropriate. And you know what people get hung up on?
Charlie: The ballet?
Nola: Yes, that I attended the ballet with Kim Jong. It’s preposterous. We’ll move on now.
Charlie: Of course. Just to be clear-
Nola: (jumps up on the table slides across and as she swings behind Charlie she produces a rope from her boot and fastens it around his neck) We’ll move on here, or I’ll move on here.
Charlie: (laughing) Alright. We move on here.
Nola sits down
Charlie: You know if I were younger and you were older-
Nola: Come on Char, we both know you don’t want me any older.
Charlie: So, after that meeting you got to work on the banking crisis.
Nola: We needed to sell a depression to the American people. They needed to get interested. The only way to get ‘Mericans interested in anything other than food and reality television is to put on a tournament. To coincide with March Madness I created the 2009 March to Nationalization Tournament
Charlie: And that didn’t go well.
Nola: There is always a bigger distraction than the impending doom facing America. It keeps us busy.
Charlie: You were sent back to California to deal with some domestic issues?
Charlie: Alright. Gay-angs. Where you went undercover as Nola the Chola and met Nolo the Cholo. You got into some trouble there?
Charlie: You were sent- what did Obama say to you?
Nola: After the gay-ang debacle he said he needed to send me somewhere to hide out. Somewhere nobody would look for me.
Charlie: Ah. Yes. And where did he send you.
Nola: The New Testament.
Charlie: And then you disappear for the summer and Fall. But I have it on good authority that you and Larry Summers had some heated battles about the President’s Healthcare Reform.
Nola: Summers is the cat’s bark. Nobody likes the guy. He’s one of my best friend’s but I can’t stand that guy.
Charlie: You fought over the selling of the Health reform to the people.
Nola: I wanted straight forward plans. I made a chart myself. I also wanted to sell it to the old folks first, without even worrying about the youngens.
Charlie: What I heard is you came up with a kind of 1 form 1 time slogan.
Nola: Yes. Old people hate filling out forms. Government healthcare could have alleviated that problem. It would have worked but Summers threw a tantrum and got his way.
Charlie: And you were sent to the Hope for Haiti telethon?
Nola: Punishment, I thought at first. But when I got there I realized it was just a party. It was fantastic.
Charlie: And when you come back from the telethon there is so much public interest in you. Who was this little girl who had the power of men 8 times her age. President Obama decided you were ready to meet the press.
Nola: I had been dreaming of briefing the press at the Half-White House since I was a littler girl.
Charlie: One of my favorite moments in the press conference was the moment you were asked if it was true if you had the ear of the President. And you produced this brown plastic ear and threw it down on the podium. (laughing) Is that still true almost four years later?
Charlie: It’s not?
Nola: I’ve got the balls of the President now. Why do you think he finally came out in support of gay marriage? It took some time but I’ve built up such an arsenal of information about this President that he can’t do much but tow the line. My line.
Charlie: Interesting. Let’s talk economy.
Nola: I won’t do it. First class or private. Only.
Charlie: I mean, Greece. Debt. What are your thoughts on this latest round of damn the banker? Jaime Dimon is a friend of yours I know.
Nola: Jaime Dimon? He’s a hedgehog. But I love the guy.
Charlie: You’ve defended, famously, a whale before-
Nola: Yes. An alleged killer whale.
Charlie: Any truth to the rumor you may be representing the London Whale?
Nola: I have other plans.
Charlie: I’m curious. Going back to the press conference. You answered all but one of the questions there. I think you know what I’m referring to.
Nola: I was.
Charlie: You are confirming then that you did indeed spend time in the Republican party during the Reagan administration working as an operative?
Nola: I did. I wanted to come on the show tonight and announce to the world that I in fact have never actually left the Republican party and have been working for them all along. The failed first term of the President can be directly linked to me. Failed bank reform. You’re welcome. Failed debt resolution. You’re welcome. Failed Universal Healthcare. You’re welcome. Failed Equal Rights for Gays and Lesbians. You’re Welcome. Failed Campaign Finance Reform. You’re Welcome.
Charlie: Have you spoken to the President recently?
Nola: No need. Haven’t you noticed? Me and Biden have gone rogue.
Charlie: But we will see more of you?
Nola: Oh yes. There will be much more of Nola Shumway to look forward to.
Charlie: Well Nola, thank you for your time. I can’t get over how grown up you seem compared to the girl I met at the ugh- that I met four years ago. I look forward to this next chapter.
Nola: A Presidency will do that do you.
Charlie: Nola Shumway ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps former aide to the President of the United States.