I, Nola Shumway, have tasked myself with the great honor of recording in this journal all the changes that B.O. makes. Until I get bored. Or a mission. I get bored on missions though so, who knows.
Day one: Changed the locks on the front fifty and back twenty doors at the white house.
Day two: Changed his underwear.
Day three: Changed his address at the post office, Post’s offices and the NY Post’s Offices.
Day four: Changed his socks.
Day five: Changed “white house movie night” location to the E street cinema.
Day six: Changed position on immigration: Not just anyone gets to stay at the white house.
Day seven: Changed his mind about being the president. Called Hillary and got her outgoing message. It said: Hey, this is Hillary, nothing has changed.
Day eight: Him and Fav figured out how to hack Hill’s voicemail. Got in and changed it to: Hi, this is Hillary. I’m a bitch.
Day nine: Changed the secret service attire. They now wear skinny ties.
Day ten: Changed the pledge of allegiance to the pledge of togetherness.
Day eleven: Changed his mind about Biden as vice, called Hillary.
Day twelve: Changed into his alter ego and walked across the Atlantic Ocean to break bread into a million pieces. He fed every starving child in Africa.
Day thirteen: Changed all the CHANGE signs hung up in the oval office. They now read: Change takes time O, give yourself a break.
Day fourteen: Changed the way the press is briefed by the administration. No more questions, just O himself talking at a pulpit and drool buckets passed out to reporters.
Day fifteen: Changed term ‘First lady’ to Thee Only Lady.
Day sixteen: Changed American policy in Africa when he realized that all those starving children he fed are now strong enough to pick up weapons. Africa erupted into mass chaos.
Day seventeen: Changed American policy on Israel. Sided with Mahmoud, saying ‘I’m not sure I understand why it is a state either.’
Day eighteen: Changes haircut. Cross-town fade gives him a hipper more laid back look.
Day nineteen: Changes into a bulletproof vest and thinks to himself “I kinda miss the bitch”
Day Twenty: Changes stance on Israel saying he wasn’t actually saying he didn’t understand why Israel was a state he was just engaging the Iranian president in a discussion of ideas.
Day Twenty one: Changes security codes into Area 51 after he discovers Dennis Kucinich eaves dropping on one of his morning briefings.
Day Twenty two: Changes his mind about Kucinich as his Vice. Leaves a tenth message for Hillary.
Day Twenty three: Changes Black history month to October.
Day Twenty Four: Changes his middle name to Lincoln.
Day Twenty five: Changes his bathroom towels. Realizes his new initials are a painful reminder of the past and changes his middle name back to Hussein.
Day Twenty six: Changes all the light bulbs in the White house to compact fluorescent light bulbs by GORE.
Day twenty seven: That reminds him… Changes the lock on the box. Gore finally stops calling him.
Day twenty eight: Changes his official exercise routine. No more jogging! Releases official statement saying “It is offensive to assume that because he is of Kenyan descent he could be the first president to win the Boston Marathon.”
Day twenty nine: Changes the way the BCS ranks teams so that strength of schedule doesn’t count anymore. Hawaii is a force to be reckoned with, even if nobody else thinks so.
Day thirty: Changes his detergent. The powder is making him itch. And powder in general makes him very nervous.
Day thirty one: Changes the official language of the U.S. to: The language of love. (We still have five to pick from)
Day thirty two: Just for a laugh- changes the sign outside the oval office from Cleared personnel only to Blacks and Nola only.