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A Whale of a Tale Part 1: frivolous law, wool suits, and Wolf.

We join our sweet, pretty young Nola inside the 11th circuit district courthouse, in Miami Dade Florida.

Bailiff: The honorable Judge Sauls now presides. Please stand.

Nola: (to client) It’s fine if you just stay put. And actually, if you could just move as little as possible, this wool suit is a mess if it gets wet.

Judge Sauls: Aww, Nola Shumway, such a pleasure seeing you again. Haven’t seen you since-

Nola: -Two thousand. Recount.  Chads.

Judge: Is Al-

Nola: -Still bitter?

Judge: (chuckling) Come on, he can’t still be upset.

Nola: Upset, no, not upset. He’s totally over it.

Judge: Great. Let’s get started. Before we begin lets settle the costs incurred to be here. Nola, have you any expenses you wish to recoup by means of lawsuit this morning.

Nola: Yes, your honor, on the way in this morning I bought a Trip-Vent-Skinny-3pump-Mo. And I would like to sue the Starbucks on Flagler and SW Miami.

Judge: On what grounds?

Nola: Coarse, your honor. I believe the coffee was ground in a coarse manner causing the pleasure of drinking it to go down a substantial amount. Substantial enough to represent a monetary amount of $4.80.

Judge: Awarded. Anything else?

Nola: Yes, $25.00 for parking.

Judge: Validated.

Judge: Does the prosecutor have anything?

Nola: (to herself) I smell a Twart. (Looks at her phone) Aha moment!!

Prosecutor Rundle: Um, (looking up from phone) No, I’m good.

Nola: She was Twatting! (Holds up phone)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nola: You should hold her in content of court!

Prosecutor Rundle: That’s contempt, you little girl.

Nola: No, content. I’ve read your Twats. Someone should sue you. In fact, Judge, may I approach the wench?

Judge: You may not, we’re moving on with the real matter at hand: The State and Sea World VS Till-ee-kills-um.

(Snickering from Prosecution side)

Nola: Objection! We know the name is Tilikum. That is an obvious attempt to sway the voters.

Judge: Nola. In this courthouse, you will refer to them as jurors.

Nola glances over at jurors…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Judge Sauls: We’ll begin with opening arguments. We start with the Prosecution.

Prosecutor Rundle: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

Let us cut to CNN….

Wolf: Hello everybody, on this afternoon of firsts. For the first time ever an animal will stand trial for murder. Thankfully the judge has allowed cameras into the courtroom so we’ll be able to follow every detail as it is presented. Also, for the very first time ever, you at home will have a say in the outcome of the trial! To explain how it works I’ll turn you over to my lovely co host, Nancy Grace. Nancy?

Nancy: Wolf, wolf, wolf. Hahaha. Okay, listen this is how it’s gonna work. Who knows the judicial system better than your ordinary, plain citizens at home? Who? No one! That’s who! So, at the bottom of the screen we’ll be interrupting our previous interruptions with a number to text your vote to. What are ya’ll  voting on? All sorts of stuff. For instance right now, (looking at a CNN screen) the question at the bottom says “are you over the prosecutor’s opening statement’? If yes text 01 to 88991. If no text 02 to 88991.

Let us cut back to the Courthouse….

Prosecutor Rundle: And, I also would like to point out the facts-

Producer: (waving his arms behind a camera at prosecutor) you’re done! You’re done! Stop talking! Stop talking!

Prosecutor Rundle: Your honor, I rest my opening argument.

Judge Sauls: Let us now hear from the defense.

Nola: Yes. (Gets out her ‘In Memory of Harvey Milk crate and stands on it) Injustice! Injustice! (Throws herself on the ground, kicking and screaming) I want to win! This isn’t fair! I want my bottle! (Bailiff hands Nola a baby bottle) No, you idiot, my Vodka bottle! (Screaming and crying)

Judge Sauls: Nola!

Nola: (looks up) yes?

Judge Sauls: Is this your opening statement?

Nola:  It’s how I became state debate champion in Illinois.

Judge Sauls: Get up.

Nola: Fine. Defense rests. Literally. I’m tuckered. I’ll be snoozing with Tili. Wake me when you need us. Or chowtime. (Runs and jumps up on Judges bench, pulls a knife from her boot, holds it to his throat) BUT… NOT… BEFORE. (Climbs down, sits back in her seat, puts her head down and starts to snore)

Prosecutor Rundle: Your honor, for our first witness, the state calls head of Cnn breaking news programming.

Nola: ZzZzZ

Man comes over with stack of books and begins the swearing in process:

 

 

 

 

 

 

45 minutes later……

Prosecutor Rundle: Please state your name for the court.

Cnn guy: My name is Cnn, Guy. Guy Cnn.

Prosecutor Rundle: Guy, I’m going to play back a video for you and I want you to tell me what you see.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cnn guy: It’s a whale. Sitting in a pool.

Nola: (shouts) Objection. Your honor a whale cannot ‘sit’ in a pool.

Judge Sauls: Overruled.

Nola: Come on…

Judge Sauls: Nola, the whale is clearly sitting, in a chair, next to you.

 Nola looks over at Tilikum. Reaches into her bucket o fish, throws one into his mouth and sits down.

Nola: You’re right. Proceed. (Goes back to her nap)

Judge Sauls: Nola! I say proceed! (pause) Proceed.

Nola: ZzZzZ

Prosecutor Rundle: And on the day in question what did you see?

Cnn guy: Um, well nothing. I mean, we knew that the whale killed the trainer.

Prosecutor Rundle: Yes because you saw this tape. I’m going to play it again. Anything else you noticed?

Nola: ZzZzZ

Cnn guy: No, I mean, we just knew that the Killer whale-

Nola: (jumps up out of her slumber) Objection! Alleged Killer Whale. Ah-ledge-jid! Witness is swaying the voters.

Judge Sauls: Sustained. You will refer the defendant as the alleged Killer whale.

 Prosecutor Rundle: If I could, play this tape a few hundred times. I think then we’ll get the idea. (two hours of replaying tape sitting in the pool) Yes, you see the whale is sitting in the pool. And this is after the attack (pause) alleged attack. And we start to see the picture. It gets clearer as you keep watching. This alleged Killer whale savagely and mercilessly killed this beautiful young trainer who was full of life. Isn’t that what this video, which you so bravely and dutifully showed to the public for hours on end, shows?

Cnn guy: Um, no, well like I was saying, we knew that the whale had (glances at Nola who makes a throat slicing motion toward him) um, allegedly killed the trainer. The video we put on loop because we didn’t really have anything else to do.

Prosecutor Rundle: (to tea party jurors) Be-cause they did-n’t have any-thing else… to…. Do. The despair, of this network. The trauma. (Prosecutor’s aide/make up artist tugs on her pant leg)

Prosecutor’s aide: Um, we’re trying the whale for murder, you’re off track. And shiny. Blot.

Prosecutor Rundle: Oh, yeah. Um, so the whale did it. Prosecution rests.

Let us now Cut back to Cnn for more late breaking news

Wolf: Wow, well, the prosecution makes a strong case. I guess it’s up to the defense to save the whale. Nancy, I understand you have some polling numbers.

Nancy Grace: Wolf, wolf, wolf. Let me just say this nation is full of armchair lawyers. 53%, a huge majority of our viewers think the whale made a huge mistake in taking Nola Shumway as counsel. We’ll see what this little eight year old has up her sleeve, but I gotta tell you Wolf in all my 9 months as a trial lawyer, I gotta say, I’ve never seen a more open and shut case. The viewers agree. I call this for the prosecution.

(Her cell rings)

Nancy:  Oh, hello Nola. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Ha-ha. Yeah. (hangs up) Well Wolf, that was Nola. We have a bet. If she wins this one I have to throw my babies off the Brooklyn Bridge. Ha-ha. Funny. Wolf, back to you.

Let us cut back to the courthouse

Judge Sauls: We’re going to take a break. Court will adjourn for a 15 minute status update break.  

To be continued………

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Nola answers a call… talks to a Fugee.

Our sweet, pretty, young Nola was (very) recently asked to attend the HopeForHaitiNow telethon in Los Angeles. After laughing at Obama for five minutes:

Nola: You’re kidding. They’re calling it Hope for Haiti. No. Come on. (Rolling around on the floor in the oval office) Stop. (Pounding the ground with her hand) Stop! You’re kidding me. Uh. Hahahahahahaahahha. Hahahaahhahhaha.

Obama: Nola, I’m quite serious. Now look, I have a few requests.

Nola: (gets up, tears rolling down her cheeks) Hahaha. Okay. I’m good. I’m done. Ha. Wait. hahaha. No, I’m not. Hahahaahhaaha. Hope for Haiti. What’s next? Optimism in Africa.

Obama: Nola.

Nola: I’m going… I’m going…
… Nola was on her way.

Cut to the telethon headquarters:

A frazzled assistant carrying a clipboard greets Nola in the celebrity holding tank, or, a bar.

Assistant: Hi, umm…. (looking down at clipboard) Nola? Is that how you say it?

Nola: No ma’am. I would say it a little less like you’re talking to a subordinate and a little more like you’re talking to royalty.

Assistant: Uh… huh. Great. Alright, here’s the seating arrangement for taking calls. We rotate celebrities in and out every fifteen minutes.

Nola: (winks) Oh, gotcha. yeah wouldn’t want any awkward run ins between exes.

Assistant: (smiling) Right. So I have a few questions, just to figure out where to put you in this rotation.
Have you ever slept with Drew Carey?

Nola: Hahahahahahahaha.

Assistant: Um, yeah, just kidding. But, seriously, have you ever slept with Steven Spielberg?
Nola: Jew? No.

Assistant: Samuel Jackson?

Nola: That motherfuckas here? Let me get at him. Where he at? (to assistant) You know I worked with his cousin Jules on the Prop 8 campaign.

Assistant: But have you slept with him?

Nola: No. Almost, but no.

Assistant: Ben Stiller?

Nola: I don’t sleep with angry little men.

Assistant: Eric Dane?

Nola: Eh, I’m not into Herpes.

Assistant: Justin Timberlake?

Nola: Or syphilis.

Assistant: Keith urban?

Nola: Is that the drunken Aussie with the flat ironed hair over hair?

Assistant: Yes.

Nola: No. Never. Hey, Is that little bitch Kanye West here?

Assistant: No, Kanye doesn’t care about really black people.

Nola: Good. I wouldn’t want him to come face to face with me. That little jackass was very mean to my Swifty. Okay, I’m bored of you. Who do I get my gift bag from?

Assistant: Gift bag?

Nola: Yeah. And, um, I know this year’s celebrity must have is a Haitian baby, but just pull mine out and toss it in a dumpster. I don’t want that baby shitting on my new Diorettes. (pause) They are giving us the new Diorettes, right?

Assistant: No! No gift bags! And I’m not throwing your gift bag baby in a dumpster. (she composes herself) You get two guaranteed close ups and we air one of your best phone calls.

Nola: Will there be bottle service?

Assistant: Yes, but only during times when we’ve cut away from the studio to show footage of Haiti.

Nola: Alright, I can handle this for a bit. Can you get me a White Russian?

Assistant: Um, now. Wait. You’re eight.

Nola: (skipping off to her seat) I kid. I kid. (winks) Besides, I already have one.

Nola sits down next to Jennifer Aniston. After a few minutes of pleasantries, a few lines of coke and one intense make out situation, Nola takes her first call…

Nola: Nola Shumway here. Are you going to donate a lot of money or just a little bit of money?

Assistant comes running over and hangs up phone.

Assistant: You can’t do that Nola. We don’t want to make them feel bad about not giving a lot of money.

Nola: It’s only implied. I’m a skilled diplomat, let me do my job you crazy cracker.

Assistant throws up her hands, pops a Xanax and leaves. Nola puts her head down next to her phone and waits for a call.

Nola: ZzZzZ
Phone: Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring.
Nola: ZzZzz
Phone: Ring ring Ring Ring Ring.

Jennifer: (leans over and grabs Nola’s phone) Hello. Hi. Yeah, no, she’s right here. (elbows Nola)

Nola jumps up on the desk and screams like a little girl. She starts crying.

Jennifer: oh, Nola. Sweetie, wake up, you were just having a nightmare. Here, Vlad is on the phone. He wants to talk to you.

Nola: Vladdy! (grabs the phone) Vladdy. Yes, Да, младенец, I’ll получает вам автограф. Да, I’ll дает ему ваш сценарий. Я тебя люблю слишком младенец.

Hangs up phone.

Nola: (to Jen) I’m dying of boredom. Where can I get a seat filler?

Jen: Oh, sweetie, you have to wait until someone rotates you out.

Nola: (eyes wide) Jen! Don’t turn around. I think radbay is taking the tagesay. Awkward. (stands on the desk and screams) Help! Help!

Assistant: (panicked) What happened? Are you okay?

Nola: Yes. I was calling for the help. I’m ready to rotate out.

Assistant: (throws clipboard) Fine! You know what? I don’t care! I don’t care about Haiti, I don’t care about celebrities, I don’t care that I’m not going to get a chance to make out with Robert Pattinson at the after party.

Nola: Oh, sweetie, that wasn’t ever going to happen. You’re a five… tops.

Assistant: I don’t need this! I was in Africa for three years, but I have never seen anything like this!

Nola: (confused) Electricity? (pause) Bottled water? A room full of HIV-free adults?

Magic Johnson rotates in.

Nola: Scratch that last one. Look, plain Jane… May I call you plain Jane? You have to understand, we’re all busy important people here. Okay. And we’re pretty. I get that the Haitian children are suffering and all that, but we’re suffering too. Okay. Look, I’ll be nice. I’ll stay for another fifteen minutes okay. You take this (Nola hands assistant a date rape pill) and put in Robert’s water bottle. You two go relax in the green room okay. I’ve got this.

Nola takes a seat next to Drew Carey.

Nola: (staring at Drew) Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Drew: Oh, well, hello little girl. Who are you? You’re cute.

Nola: Hahahahahahahahaha.

Drew: (puzzled) Okay. Well, I’m going to get back to the phones.

Nola: (watching Drew) Hahahahaha. Hahaha. Hahahaahahaha.

Drew: (answers phone) Well hello there. I’m Drew carey, and who do I have the pleasure of speaking to? (pause) Yes. Drew. Carey. C-A-R-E-Y. No I wasn’t that guy on Saturday Night Live who died. (forces smile for his close up) Nope, wasn’t in the Great Outdoors. Yes I did love that movie. Hello? Hello?

Nola: Hahahaha. They hung up on you? Hahahaahaha. Let me guess, they wanted to talk to Robert Pattinson.

Drew: No, Leonardo Dicrapio.

Nola: Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha.

All of sudden the lights are turned down and all attention is to the stage. Beyonce saunters out and begins a song.

Nola: (singing, quite loudly) All the single Haitis! All the single Haitis. All the single Haitis.

Drew: Nola! (chuckling) Quiet.

Beyonce: Everywhere I’m looking now I’m surrounded by your embrace. Haiti I can see your halo,

Record skips. Nola jumps up and rushes Beyonce.

Nola: B! B! Stop. Haiti’s Halo? That’s a dust cloud… from debris. (Grabs the mic.) You are fired. Now, I must ask you to collect your things and leave the building.

Wyclef walks by

Nola: Refugee!!! Hey, come here. (snapping her fingers) Come here. I have an idea for you.

Wyclef: I don’t even know you.

Nola: Yeah, if it weren’t for this telethon, I wouldn’t know you either. But I heard you were the guy who got famous after doing a cover of a song. Right? Well… you need a comeback, right?

Wyclef: Um, I guess.

Nola: Let’s cut the shit Clef, on January twelfth, you lost your fan base. So look, here’s the angle. You need a song. A beautiful catchy song that connects people to the tragedy. Remember how Katrina telethon had that Hallelujah song. And now when people hear that song it reminds them of….

Cut To Justin Timberlake

Justin: Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. I heard that ….

Nola: Okay, well for awhile they heard that song and thought of New Orleans. Anyway, You take a cool eighties song and cover it. I’m thinking ‘We Built This City’ but you change it up a little to ‘We Built This Shitty.’

Wyclef: You’re joking.

Nola: No sir, I never joke. I am always one hundred percent serious in the wake of tragedy. And since I was born on Skid Row to two junkies, I guess you could say I’ve been serious my whole life.

Wyclef: Whoa, okay, chill out little white devil, you’re killing my high.

Nola: Okay, so the next thing you need to do is ride the coattails of a catchy campaign. A perfect fit for us would be NOH8. We’ll add a TI to the tape and start filming celebrity endorsements.

Wyclef: Why would we want NOH8TI?

Nola: You’re a refugee. Use your noggin. I’m not allowed to say this on your record, but I can tell you that the Obama administration wants to make it clear that if the rebuilding of Haiti did not happen and refugees were forced to move on, we would gladly accept them here in the good ol’ for now United States of the white Americas. You’ve seen how Americans open their hearts in the midst of tragedy. We think this will go over well with the populists.

Wyclef: Child. Are you crazy? I don’t want no crazy machete waving Haitians running up on my house. I’m gonna help em, but I’m gonna help em over there. Know what I’m saying.

Cut to stunned camera man who just caught that whole exchange on live television..

Camera man: ughhhhhhh……

Nola’s phone rings.

Nola: Hi, O. You saw? Yeah, it was perfect. The administration’s policy on refugees is clear. It’s also clear that a former refugee wants no part of it. Right. I’m on my way back; just have to stop at an after party. Yes. I’ll behave. Ish. Press conference? Absolutely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to brief at the White House. Ciao.

Nola in the nude: A Testament To Luke

The gospel according to
LUKE

SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

(Nola turns and she is standing in a church beside a man praying.)

Nola: Oh God damn it, where is he? Jesus! Fuck! Where did that little bitch go?
Zacharias: (looks up at Nola) Jesus? Who is Jesus?
Nola: (looks down) As if I’m gonna tell you. Who are you?
Zacharias: Zacharias.

Nola looks down at her Bible for Dummies:
Zach-a-ri’-as

Nola: Zacharias, huh, you’re the father of that dastardly John the beheaded.
Zacharias: Father? (excited) I am to have a son?
Nola: (she slaps him) Hey crazy, don’t get too excited. He turns out to be a real wacko. Here, take two of these. (hands him a couple sheets of acid) Go lay down.
Zacharias: But a son? I have a son and name him John?
Nola: (confused) Yeah, you know, he baptizes Jesus, you know, the supposed son of god or if you prefer- Nephew. John tried to drown me. I got rid of him. (whilst bowing) You are welcome.
Zacharias: Bless you my angel. For you were sent from God.
Nola: Uh, noooooo. I was sent here for my protection. Okay. Because I sliced up my cellmate’s face. With a dirty razor. That’s all. No god, no miracle. (pulls out dirty razor and slices through the air) Just a moment of shear, pardon the pun, brilliance.
Zacharias: (running off screaming) A son! He comes and will be named John! He will baptize Jesus the son of God!
Nola: (yelling after him) Don’t forget the part about when I have him beheaded!
(Nola continues walking for what seems like days. She arrives to a town called Jerusalem. She sees a young effeminate boy hanging out at a church.)
Nola: Hi. (she waves spastically) I’m Nola, Nola Shumway. Friend to sinners, foe to saints.
Jesus: I am Jesus of Galilee.
Nola: No you’re not.
Jesus: Yes I am.
Nola: (getting upset) No, (forced smile) you’re…not! (pause) Twerp.
Jesus: (stands up) Yes! I! Am!
Nola: The Jesus I met is a man. You are a little boy.
Jesus: I’m twelve! My mother, Mary…
Nola: The slut?
Jesus: She told me that when I was a baby, angels came to my dad and said that I was the son of god.
Nola: Aren’t we all?
Jesus: Then when I was a baby they took me to the temple and there was this old man who said he had to see Christ before he died. And then (Nola is biting her nails impatiently) my mom and dad took me to him and he held me and he said
Nola: (reading from her bible) and I quote ‘For mine eyes have seen thy salvation,’ big whoop. Same thing happened to me. You know what he was looking for? My eight year old vagina. So some pervert in the church had a boner for a little kid. Trust me; this is news to no one.
Jesus: Wait, who are you? How do you know that?
Nola: I’m Nola. And you (whips out leash and puts it around his neck) are coming with me.
Jesus: (walking behind Nola away from the temple) You aren’t very nice. Where did you come from?
Nola: Skid row. Sort of looks like Galilee but with boxes and needles. Everyone knows you there. You’re famous. They cry out for you all night long. ‘help me Jesus, help me!’ So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to take you to them.
Jesus: But I have to go home and help mom with dinner.
Nola: Jesus, I hate to bring this up, but, you know, if I were you I would run away. Your mom is a slut, your dad is delusional. Your aunt and uncle are fame seekers. They’ve quite the life planned for you. Did you know that someday you are going to have to die, for my sins?
Jesus: What?
Nola: You heard me. According to Matthew-
Jesus: -Who is Matthew?
Nola: (looking up from her bible for dummies) No one you ever knew. And according to Mark.
Jesus: Mark?
Nola: Nobody important. A biographer of sorts. But according to them, and Luke… and John and eighty percent of the United States, (Jesus opens his mouth to speak and Nola puts her hand over his mouth) you are going to die for my sins.
Jesus: (wiping his snotty nose) But why would I die for your sins?
Nola: (flipping furiously through the bible) Um, I don’t know. I haven’t figured that out yet. But that’s what happens.

(they walk in silence a bit further)

Nola: Hey, Jesus, what’s it like- to have two dads? It must be really confusing. (pause) Hey, do you call one Gay ol’ Dad? That would be appropriate.

Off in the distance Mary and Joseph arrive at the temple only to see Jesus a hundred yards away walking with a girl.

Mary: Jesus!
Joseph: On a leash!

Cut to Evergreen Chapel:

Reverend Lowery: Jesus! On a leash!

CUT TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Voice from the sky: NOoooLaaaa! Nola Shumway!
Nola: oh Shiite! What? What now O? I’m in the middle of something. (looks at Jesus, who has just peed his robe)
Obama: Nola, I know very well what you are doing. I want you to keep moving. Back to Bethlehem.
Nola: But O!
Obama: No, Nola. This congregation is ready to wage war on the good Reverend. No more shenanigans.
Nola: Brittle Dicks! I’m just trying to be a good person and help.
Obama: (chuckling) Sure Nola. I’m sure you are. Just get back okay?
Nola: Okay, O, I’ll be good. (grabs her tatas) Scouts honor.
Obama: You were never a scout.
Nola: I dress up like one for Vladimir.
Obama: (chuckling) You are so silly, Sweet Pretty Young Nola.
Nola: (‘hail Hitler’ salute) Back to Bethlehem for me and Jesus!
Joseph: (from off) ON A LEASH!

CUT TO THE EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Meanwhile back at the Evergreen Chapel, the congregation is now riveted by the craziness coming out of Reverend Lowery’s mouth. He continues to read, and they sit, hunched forward, some standing, urging him along:

Reverend Lowery: Uh, we are still in Luke, I’m not sure which chapter or verse. Ahem. (pause) Ha. Nola then turned and was standing on an empty dirt road. Jesus lost to her once again. An angry mob stands behind her. A man says to Nola, ‘you are the devil.’ Nola parted her lips, which made the mob quiver, but then closed her mouth, knowing full well who had told them that she must be the devil. The speaker for angry mob said ‘you will be sorry; you have crossed the son of god.’ And Nola did, then, raise her head and say ‘hahaha hahaha hahahaha. Hahaha hahahaha hahahaha. Is that supposed to frighten me? Hahaha hahaha hhahahaha. You tell your little slippery, black friend.
Congregation holus bolus: What? Did she just say black? Oh, I knew it girl. Jesus is black.
(applause erupts from the congregation- cheers and shouts of ‘Hallelujah’, ‘praise black Jesus’, and ‘New Orlins the devil’. Meanwhile Obama sits, in the corner with his head buried in his bible, desperately trying to locate Nola)
Reverend Lowery: ‘You tell your little slippery black friend that I’ve been looking for him. He keeps disappearing on me. The man laughed and turned to his group, ‘ha, the doubter claims he has not the power of miracles, yet she says herself she has seen him disappear. Hahaha’ Nola walked over to the man, pulled out a knife, dropped to the ground and stabbed him in the shin. As the man lay on the ground crying like a little bitch, Nola crawled alongside him and said ‘I was going to try to help you and your stupid little friends, but now I’m angry. You know what I know about your precious little cult leader that you don’t?
Congregation woman: Girl, this is better than Angels and Demons.
Reverend Lowery: ‘You know what I know about your precious little cult leader that you don’t? He’s going to die. Soon. Yeah, I got a message for your American buddy, you tell that murderer, that Maria’s never going to meet him. You tell him that Chino found out about them, and shot Her! She’s dead.

Record playing on the record player in the Chapel skips. Reverend stops looks up. Puzzled faces in the congregation.

Woman: (confused) Wait, girl, ain’t that from West Side Story?
Man: Who is Maria? Did she mean Mary?

Obama leaves the room with Bible in hand. He immediately opens it and finds Nola Skipping back to Bethlehem.

CUT TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTEMANT:

Obama: Nola! West Side Story? Really? I am very upset with you at the moment.
Nola: (skipping) Well, get in line, O, I’ve got an angry mob of pedophiles after me, Jesus is missing and off his leash, and this Bible for dummies has a vague map situation. I’m lost and my Iphone isn’t pulling up maps. I’m moving as fast as I can. Quit bugging me. I’ll see you soon.
Obama: I’ll pray that you do.

To be continued…… (one more time)

While you were out….

Dear O,


I hope all is going well on your whirlwind trip across America. Oh, and we saw you on the Tonight show. Unfortunate choice of words; you should have said I’M like special Olympics or something. Not IT’S. Or It’s like I’m in the special Olympics or something. It really didn’t make sense the way you put that sentence together. Anyway, the girls and I are having tons O fun here in the O-val Office. I was digging in your top drawer today looking for your gum (Malia said Nicorette was disgusting, I had to prove her wrong) and I came across the “FINANCIAL MESS” file. Well of course, as little girl of the house while you’re gone, I decided to help you out. I sat right down in your big, stiff, cold chair and started to work on a plan that, I think, will really help to ease the worries of the American public. It’s called “We’re having a meltdown” (If you see A Star is Born and notice the little number a one Marilyn Monroe sings quite love-a-lee, you’ll catch my vision)

Stra-tee-geery! (I know you love it when I say it) Stra-tee-geery! Stra-tee-geery!!!!

Operation “We’re having a meltdown America”

1. First of all, we need Americans to understand that we’re fucked. Seriously fucked. I think the best way to grab the public’s attention is to roll out an edgy ad campaign. 

We’ll get depressed celebrities to film short PSA spots. They’ll go a little something like this:

“Hi, I’m Owen Wilson and I’m depressed. America, it’s time to admit you’re depressed too.”

I’ve already talked to the publicists for Britney Spears, Val Kilmer, Jennifer Aniston and I thought it would be best if you called Oprah yourself.

2. We’re trying to get rid of toxic assets on bank balance sheets right? Well, I say put them in a grab bag. Everybody loves grab bags. It’s like the lottery! “What am I going to get, what am I going to get” ‘Damn, half of the lower ninth ward and half a billion in AIG, pardon, AI”U credit default swaps. Fuck! orrrrrrrrr…… “Yes! A housing development in Elk Grove!” 

3. Slogans! We need snazzy one liners for Americans to throw around. Americans are only into something if it can be summed up in either a country song or a one liner. I’m not a country singer, so we thought one liners would be the next best thing, and bumper stickers, shirts and stickers create revenue. The girls and I are going to handle this one for you. We’ve already thought of  a few. (See if you can spot mine!)

“It’ll all work out. And if not, it should have!”

“If America can’t get out of the red, I shouldn’t have to get out of bed!”

“America: Fucked now and fucked later.”

“Cats are cute, and I love my dad.”*

*Malia is having trouble with the concept of a slogan. I know how you feel O, but I think it’s time for private school.

4. Less is more than enough! America is way too big to manage as a country. I say we get rid of some property and raise revenue: Win/Win! 
Lets sell Texas to the Mexican government.* Their drug war is already spilling into Texan cities anyway. And Montana is always bragging about how they only have six or seven people per square mile, so I figure we can relocate Texans to Montana. Same thing right? Pretty much, after most of the nonwhite population stays in Texaco. 
And instead of consulates, I say we sell entire cities to countries. San Francisco can be sold to China. Spokane to Russia. And we can make New York a worldwide time share: France gets a month, Israel a month (at a discount), Africa a week (pro bono) etc… It’s time, O, we need to liquidate America!!!!!

*assuming at press time that the mexican government still had control over Mexico. If not, we sell Texas to the drug lords. 

5. Brackets! You love brackets! I love brackets! America is crazy for brackets! I propose the following to help America get excited about impending doom:

2009 FDIC MARCH TO NATIONALIZATION TOURNAMENT

Let’s put the banks into four regions, and see which beat each other out for the title of the worst bank in America.

I know you’re busy with your tour and doing your NCAA bracket (And it really hurts that you picked UNC over my beloved Zags) so I decided to do your picks. I’m finished with your sweet sixteen. Here’s my, ugh, your list.

SOUTH

Floridian Bank, hailing from Ormond Beach, Florida. This young bank boasts a slightly high leverage ratio of 12.85 and at press time was in the red. But with smart plays, like contributing to the Kosmas for Congress campaign, dashing leader CEO Thomas Dargan is hoping to not pull out the upset of a lifetime. Deposits will probably remain safe and sound, and, depending on the impending hurricane season, maybe even underwater.

Columbus Bank Trust, hailing from Columbus, Georgia. This mature bank enjoys relative anonymity, most likely because of it’s uber reclusive CEO Samuel Wellborn. Welldone. But they have to show their cards sometime, and with their penchant for commercial lending and fairly high leverage ratio, 12.67, we can bet those cards are red.

Tri Parish Bank, hailing from Eunice, Louisiana. In the black at press time. But CEO Jerry Reaux is almost too confident. Last week he said of his team “We’re strong, we’re well capitalized.” Tri Parish could be the 2009 AIG ugh, AIU. Mr. Reaux and his team bring to mind the comments made by Joseph Cassano in August 2007 in response to the worry of investors. Just months before a government takeover he, as Aig’s head of financial products said in regards to his company’s CDOs that “it is hard for us, without being flippant to even see a scenario within any kind of realm of reason that would see us losing a dollar on any of these transactions.” If Reaux is the new Cassano, then Tri Parish is the new AIG-U. If that happens, they should advance.

Roanoke Rapids Savings Bank hailing from– wait, I have no clue where they hail from. But they’re a mature bank established in 1914. They could be the Cinderella of the tournament. 


WEST

Wells Fargo hailing from San Francisco, California. The big number one seed in the tourney. Many see their penchant for piggyback loans as the main reason for the high seeding. CEO Dick Kovacevich raised eyebrows after accepting 25 Billion in bailout monies and then turning around and criticizing TARP. This is one to watch.

Arrowhead Community bank hailing from Glendale, Arizona. Low leverage ratio, FDIC regulated and conservative loan programs mean they shouldn’t get past the elite eight.

Pacific Rim Bank hailing from Honolulu, Hawaii. Slim chance of advancing, but I know you have a soft spot for Hawaii O. Good Luck.

First Utah Bank hailing from Salt Lake City, Utah. Donated to the Mitt Romney campaign, which means they have a connection to the Mormon church. Any bailout money, if needed, would probably come from the Mormon church itself. Sill one to watch; Mormons are always unpredictable- at least they are on television.

MIDWEST

Bank of Wisconsin hailing from Wisconsin Wells, Wisconsin. Their banking practices make as much sense as the new state motto. Should be an interesting one to watch.

STC Capital Bank hailing from St. Charles, Illinois. Young bank with a fairly high leverage ratio, but smartly stayed out of the sub-prime mess for the most part. Only a poorly researched Oprah show on “The state of banks in Illinois” could cause it’s collapse. Unless Oprah can singlehandedly cause a run on the banks, it looks like its run in the tourney will be short lived.

United State Bank hailing from Lewiston, Missouri. Stability and a conservative loan portfolio is probably going to keep this one from advancing. True, they’ve been around the block a few times, but only to grab Venti Coffees from the Starbucks around the corner. 

The First State Bank of Ransom hailing from Ransom, Kansas. At press time they are in the black, but a high leverage ratio of 21.43 and a specialty in Agricultural loans mean they have a good chance of advancing- and even better chance that pitchforks will factor into this banks eventual dismantling.

EAST 

CHASE hailing from Newark, Delaware. The big number one seed out of the east, they are led by all star CEO Jamie Dimon who wowed investors by accepting a government bailout and then promptly pledging 400 million to help with the outsourcing of jobs to India. Some say Chase is the true (foreign) people’s  champion. 

Sturdy Savings Bank hailing from Stoneharbor, New Jersey. Their name is their game. Led by employee of the quarter Barbara Niemczak, this commercial lending specialist has a reasonable 11.31 leverage ration. Probably go out early.

Cambridge Trust Company hailing from Cambridge, Massachusetts. Somehow managed to keep a low leverage ratio, 7.86, despite the fact that mortgage lending is their specialty. And CEO Joe Roller isn’t afraid to throw a log on the fire when things get a bit chilly. Of course he’s throwing that log to fuel the fire in  the fireplace that is located in his lavishly decorated office. 

Farmers and Merchants hailing from Upperco, Maryland. The leverage ratio is average. The specialty, commercial lending, a bore. They’ve been around almost a hundred years. I’d bet a week’s allowance they aren’t getting out of the sweet sixteen.

Okay, there you are, O, I did your brackets, took care of the advertising and even cleaned up a bit of the ashes left around your desk. (If Michelle catches you sneaking cigarettes she’s going to be pissed.) I think if we roll out the new “We’re having a meltdown” campaign by the end of this week, we should see results by May. Oh, and I got your note about the gangs. I’m on the case. Peace out homie…..

Your loving and (mostly) obedient, 
Sweet Pretty Young, Nola Shumway.

P.s. Vladimir says hi.

Shumway…Nola Shumway… I like my olives garish and I hate martinis!

Nola was recently asked to be involved in the first major meeting at the new administration’s white house. Dressed in her Sunday best, she skipped over to 1550 Pennsylvania ave, kicked in the front door and scared some little old lady half to death. She then skipped over to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, kicked in the door and then kicked the secret service agent in the shins after being told she could not bring in a razor blade. “It’s not for them, it’s for me, I promise.” No luck, razor blade-less but full of joy and cheap beer she proudly took her place at the table alongside some of America’s most beloved leaders and also some of America’s priority targets. As his first order of business, Barack (he enjoys being called by his first name, he’s just like everyone else) brought a few great men, some swine, and Nola together to finally solve the problem that has been plaguing the country for several years. Now, they told Nola no audio recording, but Nola doesn’t like to be told what to do… The following transcript is what took place on January 21, 2009 in an undisclosed nondescript office in the White House.

Barack: Young Lady, Gentlemen and Kim Jong Il, I would personally like to offer my gratitude that you all agreed to be here today. First, let me say that everything said in this room today is completely confidential and also will ultimately have little affect on my decision. With that said, I want to make it very clear- I do not want any of us to leave this room until we’ve come to a solution.…I believe it is an absolute necessity to create a playoff system in the BCS.
(Medvedev is seated next to Putin in a kiddie chair. Putin whispers to Medvedev who responds to Obama)
Medvedev: BCS?
Nola: You can remember it by thinking-Beslan Children’s School. (to Putin) Right Vlad? May I call you Vlad?
Medvedev: Who is this annoying child? Can she please be disposed of?
(Putin whispers to Medvedev something inaudible)
Nola: Maybe I remind him of one of the little Beslan kids. Shame. I know…
Joe Pa: Are we going to get back to football soon?
Barack: (smiling) relax Joe we’ll get to it. (shaking sound is heard, sounds like ice)
Kim Jong Il: (to Putin in perfect Russian) работая на новой игре. Я полюбил бы для вас прочитать его.
Barack: Ah, Kim, or may I call you Yuri? (Kim smiles and nods) Yuri, I am so pleased you could make it. I know that you have not been well.
Hugo Chavez: All lies published by the Americans.
Nola: (pours from a shaker into a glass, hands to Putin) Red Bull Vodka, Vlad? Can Medvedev have one?
JoePa: (to Barack, looking over at Medvedev and Putin) I think they’re gonna stop it cold.
Chavez: Relax Mr. Paterno, (laughing) it seems you might be paranoid. Maybe you’re getting a little to old for this kind of thing. Have you ever thought of retirement in Venezuela?
JoePa: (angry) Okay look asshole, I’ll go when I’m ready to go, and you of all people can certainly understand that. We’re talking football, let’s talk football.
(shaking sounds)
Putin: I don’t see value in changing old system. Keep computer system and fudge numbers. That way your best teams always get in no matter how much they lose.
Nola: (to Barack, handing him a drink) Black Russian, O?
Barack: Ah, thank you Nola. (raises glass) In honor of our great countries coming together once again! I really think you’re on to something Vlad. Let me ask you, what do you think about strength of opponent being a factor?

(Mevedev starts to speak, Putin hushes him)
Putin: Russia has never factored strength of opponent. Why should America?
Nola: Hey Vlad, about that, if you haven’t the interest in the strength of the opponent I was wondering…
Putin: (finally smiling) yes, my child…
Nola: Hows about you invade and occupy America? Then the English can liberate us! And my sweet Prince Harry will march with his brigade into my city and rescue me and we’ll finally be together. Whadda ya say, Vlad?
Madoff: (joining from satellite) Why don’t we just make all the teams pay money to get into the playoffs?
Barack: (trying) Yes, but then how long would the playoff season last?
Madoff: Well, we only have an eight team playoff.
Barack: …rrrright…well thanks for joining us Mr. Madoff.
Madoff: Oh, please, call me Bernie.
Barack: No thanks. (to Nola) Cut his feed.
Nola: sure thing.
Mr. No on 8 spokesperson: Mr. President, first of all I would like to say thank you so much for having us here. We are honored. But I would like to point out that you are about to make a very hypocritical decision. After all, tradition is the reason we homosexuals are not allowed to properly proclaim our love for one another. Traditionally marriage is between a man and a woman and you have made it clear that you support that tradition…
(Nola starts making a cocktail)
Mr. Arab: Man with man is disgusting and should be punished.
Nola: Sex on the Beach, Mr. Arab?
Putin: She’s funny, no?
Arab: She would be killed for less where I am from.
Barack: She is protected here.
Mr. No on 8: excuse me… I was talking…
Nola: (hands drink to no on 8) Cosmo?
Mr. No on 8: bless you child, now as I was saying, Barack, it would be a huge mistake to change this football thingy when you already came out (Nola laughs) against changing the laws so that gays can marry.
Nola: (goes over to Kim Jong Il) What is your play about?
Kim Jong Il: You speak Russian?
Nola: (whispering) I kinda have a bit of a crush on Vlad. I thought speaking his language would give me a better shot. And, don’t say anything, but I’m trying to get him drunk. So…the play?

Kim Jong Il: (suddenly animated) Well, it’s about a little boy who dreams of joining the Russian Ballet only to be kidnapped and sent to a very poor country. He eventually escapes and finds a boy who looks just like him to take his place. No one notices that he has ever left.
Nola: (handing him a cocktail) That’s sweet, Blow job? …Wait, we gotta do it right. Hugo, let Kim take a blow job from your legs. (looks over to Barack) I love hanging with our enemies!
Or I guess we can now say….Frenemies!!!!
Barack: Okay, so far we think a playoff is a good idea? Or we think it is better to just leave it as a tradition?
Chavez: You know who I always liked? Nixon….
(JoPa flies over the table about to deck Hugo Chavez)
Chavez: (running from the table) it’s the only time in your history that your country made any sense to me!
Barack: Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Nola: (leaning into the Arab) and so I said “Jesus, come down from that cross, I want to pick a fight with you”
Mr. Arab: (laughing) You….you…you would die so quickly in my country….but i think you’re funny.
Nola: If you liked that one you’ll love this …. I was walking down the road one day and I saw Muhammad laying on the side of the street with his head stuck under a VW bus-
Mr. Arab: (stands up and pulls out sword) Infidel! Dirty slut! You’ll die by my blade!
(Putin gets up in a flash and disarms the Arab with lightning speed, throws Arab to the ground and walks over to Nola, who has been thrown on to the floor. He grabs her hand and leads her back to the table.)
Putin: My child.
Nola: My Prime.
(They smile, staring at each other)
Chavez: (out of breath and circling the table, running away from Joe Paterno) Why not propose playoff system like you want and cut off funding to schools who don’t agree.
Nola: Guys…guys… and Kim… It’s simple, playoffs, like O wants, and we break it into brackets. First bracket we call One Dumb Game.
Pete Carroll: Thank you Nola.
Nola: Don’t mention it. It’s basically the bracket for the teams who have one really stupid retarded mind blowing ridiculous loss to a crappy, unranked bad team…
Pete Carroll: That was harsh.
Nola: (Nola turns to Pete) You needed to hear it. Spritzer? (hands to Pete) Anyways, then we’ll have the “Football Country” bracket. All the teams from football country will play within this bracket.
Putin: (with his hand on Nola’s thigh) I’ve never heard of…this…Country of Football?
Nola: shh…it doesn’t really exist, but we like to humor them. They lead very very dull lives otherwise… Okay, next bracket is called “They lost nothing to Nobodys” which will include your UtahsHawaiis, Boise st..etc.
Barack: Nola!
Nola: I’m sorry, O, Hawaii is not a force to be reckoned with! You need people around you who will tell the truth.
Barack: You’re right, go on..
Nola: Finally…we’ll have the BCS computer number ones and twos bracket. So that is four brackets with eight teams, all representing the dynamics of college football that make it sometimes irritating. Problem solved! They all play each other to find the eventual champion.
Mr. Hamas You can’t just create brackets!
Mr. Israel: These brackets don’t exist!
(They look at each other and smile)
Nola: They agreed! They’re in love! This calls for a drink! (Nola furiously shaking cocktails)
Nola: (hands to Mr Israel) Gazakame? (and then hands Mr.Hamas a drink with a shot inside) Car Bomb?
Barack: Nola!
(Mr.Hamas and Mr.Israel start to laugh with each other, clink glasses act as if they will down the drink and then dump the drinks out over their shoulders)
(amidst the cheering and celebration Vlad walks over to Nola and leans over her shoulder and whispers into her ear.)
Putin: Nola, if you come to Russia I will make you my princess.
Nola: (blushing) But I’m eight. Wouldn’t we get into trouble?
Putin: (laughing as he scoops her up into his arms) You are such a silly girl…Do you know how silly you are? Yes…you’ll come with me and we”ll live well.
Nola: We’ll vacation in Thailand. We won’t be bothered.
(Nola walks toward Barack, he leans into her ear)
Barack: Perfect. We’ll be in touch my Sweet Pretty Young Nola….
Nola: Tell your girls I’m going to miss them. They have to come visit okay.
Barack: Definitely.
Nola: Hey, O, what are we going to do about the BCS?
Barack: Oh…well, I guess we’ll just take the Championship out of it and call it what it is…BS.

No to the same old, same old. Yes to the same same, same same!!

Jules Winnfield speaks out against Prop 8: “What you gotta do is ask yourself ‘Is there some bad shit out there we ain’t lookin at? Is this bad shit badder than the shit I’m bout to vote against? And if it is badder shit, then shouldn’t we be out there worryin’ ‘bout that shit? I mean you got motherfuckerin kids settin some homeless motherfucka on fire for kicks. Motherfucker don’t even have a dollar for ice cream and these little badasses set him on fire. And you wanna tell me God is worried about two motherfuckers kissin’ up in his church? Love ain’t ever bad shit, man. The baddest shit is that love ain’t tolerated. We tolerate some fucked up motherfuckers. I mean my auntie Janisa once got into a fight with a church lady. razored her face. And now she’s up in that church every Sunday prayin’ for crazy bitches such as herself. I love my Auntie Janisa. I don’t think anyone should ever razor a face but I love my auntie. And if motherfuckers are worried about too much fuckin up the ass, it’s cuz they did it and liked it, more than a bitch.”

Wedding planners speak out against Prop 8: “I for one am very tired of planning straight weddings. Bor-ring! I’m tired of lying to the bride about her hideous color scheme.”
“ I’m tired of dealing with pregnant brides who can’t keep their emotions in check.”
“ I’m tired of having to dress up a venue that doubles as the ‘church’ and reception hall. “I’m tired of brides who buy from outlet malls.”
“I’m tired of BRIDES! Give me grooms. Grooms who have taste. Grooms who have well behaved children as their flower girls- not their own daughters born out of wedlock- which explains the quickly thrown together wedding!”

Henry Hasten of Statistically Speaking Magazine speaks out against Prop 8: “Statistically speaking, the sanctity of marriage is in danger of slipping into dangerously low approval ratings. With one out of every two marriages ending in divorce, people are starting to question the validity of marriage. The best way to improve the stats of marriage is to allow an influx of marriage. What we need is a marriage surge! So unless there is a surge in unplanned pregnancies, the only other option is to allow gays to marry, ugh, statistically speaking.”

Ted Haggard (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Haggard)speaks out against Prop 8: “I now believe that God would want us all to be happy and be able to have conjugal visits from the man of our dreams.”

Not so nice, Nola speaks out against Prop 8: “Some people argue that gay marriage is detrimental to society. I don’t agree, but, let’s just say I did (which I don’t) but if I did, I would have to say that there are a few (thousand) more pressing detriments to society. And all, save one (see if you can spot it) are accepted and legal in America; no questions asked- and by questions I mean put to a vote- …. I’ll list just a few: Michael Jackson (Yeah, I said it. Just like Katt Williams: Fuck Michael!) . Roman Polanski. Americans who finance everything. Kids having kids. Scientology. Religion. Fast food. Straight men who just want their mothers. Straight women who let men have their mothers. Girls that don’t say no. Fat girls who put down skinny girls. Skinny girls who put down fat girls (Girls, fat and thin, we must unite! We must fight the true enemy: Fat and skinny boys!) Reality shows. Rockstar. Oscar De La La La LA Hoya and his music career, The lack of any regulations on bands in L.A.- why is that just anyone can start a band? Myspace. Facebook. Mustaches, CNN, MSNBC, The View, Tyra, Dog Strollers, Malibu (Barbie, city, liquor) Words such as-Chillax, like, stoked, fubar, fupa, muffin top. PDidddy, Sean Combs, Puffy, People who don’t take off their Bluetooth devices, boys who think they are great in bed, boys who call girls ‘opinionated’, women lying about size not mattering (it does! It matters how small our waist is and how big your dick is!) Jaegermeister, Men calling women sluts on Halloween because they have finally dressed up the way men have been hoping they would dress up all year!, Dr. Phil, Oprah’s book club, The Jonas Brothers, small children, Food Network, Herpes, Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong and his creepy demeanor, a quarter of the governments in Africa, Half of the South, most of California, Songs like Grillz, The thong song, and any song that starts with Diddy proclaiming ‘this is the remix’ . Any food sold as an “ultimate bowl”, Chris Matthews, Katie Couric and Bob Costas’ new little boy Frankenstein looking hairpiece, people who honk their horns more than once a week.
The list could go on forever. It’s all bad. We are alllllll baaaaadddddd. We are probably all going to hell, in a hand basket, woven no doubt by Oscar De La LA La La hoya!
But gay marriage is our BIG problem? How can we single out gay marriage as the flaw in an
already much too kinked chain? Like Jules said- “way badder shit out there than people lovin on each other”
I say gay marriage, just like Obama, might just be change we need. Everything else in America is f’ed. Maybe we should start with the reinstitution of marriage as an institution of love, faith and commitment. Heteros have had their crack-Let’s see what the gays do! I for one think it will be fabulous…. and if not, it should have been!
Dedicated to all my gay friends, in and out of their closets, everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And just so that i’m completely clear- HoneyBunny speaks out against Prop 8: “NO ON 8 OR I KILL EVERY LAST MOTHERFUCKIN’ONE OF YOU!!! “
 
 
 

(CONTINUED FROM ABOVE BLOG (NO TO THE SAME OLD, SAME OLD, YES TO THE SAME SAME, SAME SAME):

 

EXIT POLLS, SOAPBOXES and FIREARMS! Don’t it smell like an election…….

Asked outside of his polling station in Bell Gardens Precinct 123672aa how the vote went, Jules had the following response: “Vote? Motherfuckas wouldn’t let me in the mothefuckin community center. What kind of motherfuckin community center got metal detectors. And why are those motherfuckers on during an election? What? Is a motherfucka gonna run up in his own polling station and shoot up some motherfuckas votin for the same shit? Little woman over there wouldn’t even let my ass through the door. No on eight, Motherfuckas.”

 

We caught up with one of our wedding planners making a mad dash to her car outside the Manhattan Beach polling station and she had this to say: “I wasn’t registered! Can you believe that? I’ve been so busy registering these stupid, idiotic brides at Target, I forgot all about registering myself. (looks at watch) Damn. And now I have to get all the way out to Encino in an hour to pick up some doves for a six o’clock wedding. I’m not going to make it! Bye, (shouts back as she runs off) Please vote No on 8–I hate doves!!!!!!!”

 

Henry Hasten, sitting on the curb outside his downtown polling station, had this to say: “What were the odds that they would have lost my mail in registration. I mean the odds were in my favor. I know they were. I suspect this has something to do with an interview I gave to one Nola Shumway a few days ago. No on eight. Statistically speaking, we still have a chance.”

Ted Haggard speaking from Sacramento State Prison: “I had no idea we weren’t able to vote. I’m hopeful though. I’m leading prayer tonight so I’m going to have to cut this short. No on 8! It’s never too late to come out in support of that which is your truest nature. And god loves everyman!

Wait a gosh darn sec! You mean to tell me, or more appropriately, I mean to tell you that not one of our Fiesty ferocious do gooders voted on Prop 8?

Wait! What about Nola? Where is she? Where’s Nola?

We now join Nola Shumway at her polling place somewhere in the vicinity of Pico and Robertson on the westside of Los Angeles…

We find Miss Shumway standing in the center of a local community center, on a hand painted crate that says SOAP screaming into a megaphone: “And let me tell you sum’tin else!!! Anyone who has ever benefited from civil rights legislation owes us a vote. Any lame ass comedian who has pulled out a gay joke for an easy laugh owes us a vote. And for that matter, for poisoning the world with your stupid comedy, you owe us a two vote minimum. Any man who’s ever said ‘That’s gay’ owes us a vote. You all owe us a vote and today we collect! Ain’t that right HoneyBunny? No on 8! Pay up you freeloaders!!.”

Nola is immediately escorted outside and we catch up with her just as they are about to put her in the squad car. “Okay, okay, maybe the soapbox was a little much, but come on! You’re telling me this shirt (Nola is wearing a grey shirt that reads “it’s okay to be an ass today”) is a problem? What, Is it against the law to try to persuade voters at the polls? (Nola is told it is) Fine, but in my defense it’s not like that lady isn’t doing the same thing. (camera pans over to a slightly overweight woman who is reading a tabloid, drinking a McDonald’s latte and humming a Rascal Flatts song.) She should be escorted out as well! She is just as obviously trying to persuade voters!” (Nola is tucked into the car and as they drive away she screams silently through the back window no on eight, no on eight, this is an injustice, I’ll say hello to Ted for you…….”

 

So kids, what’s the moral of this very convoluted story? The moral is that it is not enough to be passionate about a cause. You have to act. VOTE! Vote because Jules, Wedding planners, Henry, Ted and Nola didn’t.

But what about HoneyBunny? Where in God’s hell is that H.B. (heinous bitch)

Oh- your story teller forgot– HoneyBunny didn’t vote. She was busy filming a reshoot for her last scene in a previous blog:

On a sound stage somewhere in the Valley HoneyBunny enters polling station and with guns out screams at the frightened voters: “everybody vote no on eight or I execute every last motherfuckin one of ya………..

Exit polls, firearms and soapboxes! Don’t it smell like an election?

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS BLOG (NO TO THE SAME OLD, SAME OLD, YES TO THE SAME SAME, SAME SAME)……..

Asked outside of his polling station in Bell Gardens Precinct 123672aa how the vote went, Jules had the following response: “Vote? Motherfuckas wouldn’t let me in the mothefuckin community center. What kind of motherfuckin community center got metal detectors. And why are those motherfuckers on during an election? What? Is a motherfucka gonna run up in his own polling station and shoot up some motherfuckas votin for the same shit? Little woman over there wouldn’t even let my ass through the door. No on eight, Motherfuckas.”

We caught up with one of our wedding planners making a mad dash to her car outside the Manhattan Beach polling station and she had this to say: “I wasn’t registered! Can you believe that? I’ve been so busy registering these stupid, idiotic brides at Target, I forgot all about registering myself. (looks at watch) Damn. And now I have to get all the way out to Encino in an hour to pick up some doves for a six o’clock wedding. I’m not going to make it! Bye, (shouts back as she runs off) Please vote No on 8–I hate doves!!!!!!!”

Henry Hasten, sitting on the curb outside his downtown polling station, had this to say: “What were the odds that they would have lost my mail in registration. I mean the odds were in my favor. I know they were. I suspect this has something to do with an interview I gave to one Nola Shumway a few days ago. No on eight. Statistically speaking, we still have a chance.”

Ted Haggard speaking from Sacramento State Prison: “I had no idea we weren’t able to vote. I’m hopeful though. I’m leading prayer tonight so I’m going to have to cut this short. No on 8! It’s never too late to come out in support of that which is your truest nature. And god loves everyman!

Wait a gosh darn sec! You mean to tell me, or more appropriately, I mean to tell you that not one of our Fiesty ferocious do gooders voted on Prop 8?

Wait! What about Nola? Where is she? Where’s Nola?

We now join Nola Shumway at her polling place somewhere in the vicinity of Pico and Robertson on the westside of Los Angeles…

We find Miss Shumway standing in the center of a local community center, on a hand painted crate that says SOAP screaming into a megaphone: “And let me tell you sum’tin else!!! Anyone who has ever benefited from civil rights legislation owes us a vote. Any lame ass comedian who has pulled out a gay joke for an easy laugh owes us a vote. And for that matter, for poisoning the world with your stupid comedy, you owe us a two vote minimum. Any man who’s ever said ‘That’s gay’ owes us a vote. You all owe us a vote and today we collect! Ain’t that right HoneyBunny? No on 8! Pay up you freeloaders!!.”

Nola is immediately escorted outside and we catch up with her just as they are about to put her in the squad car. “Okay, okay, maybe the soapbox was a little much, but come on! You’re telling me this shirt (Nola is wearing a grey shirt that reads “it’s okay to be an ass today”) is a problem? What, Is it against the law to try to persuade voters at the polls? (Nola is told it is) Fine, but in my defense it’s not like that lady isn’t doing the same thing. (camera pans over to a slightly overweight woman who is reading a tabloid, drinking a McDonald’s latte and humming a Rascal Flatts song.) She should be escorted out as well! She is just as obviously trying to persuade voters!” (Nola is tucked into the car and as they drive away she screams silently through the back window no on eight, no on eight, this is an injustice, I’ll say hello to Ted for you…….”

So kids, what’s the moral of this very convoluted story? The moral is that it is not enough to be passionate about a cause. You have to act. VOTE! Vote because Jules, Wedding planners, Henry, Ted and Nola didn’t.

But what about HoneyBunny? Where in God’s hell is that H.B. (heinous bitch)

Oh- your story teller forgot– HoneyBunny didn’t vote. She was busy filming a reshoot for her last scene in a previous blog:

On a sound stage somewhere in the Valley HoneyBunny enters polling station and with guns out screams at the frightened voters: “everybody vote no on eight or I execute every last motherfuckin one of ya………..