Category Archives: Celebrity

Nola Shumway: Purge and Ac-Quisitions Specialist

A cave, somewhere in (redacted for security purpose). Self-described Secretary Of State Nola Shumway is being led to a small room. She is blindfolded and wearing her BurqAlaïa. She is sat down in a chair. Enter a man that could be 1. An extra on Homeland when they film in Israel but it is supposed to be Lebanon or 2. A leader of Al-Qaeda. He is reading a book ‘How To Win Friends and Influence People’

Al-Jazeera: (just kidding, that’s a news station. Gotcha!)

Al- Atosis: Take off the fataah’s blindfold.

Nola: If you just called me fat I swear to G  – Allah I will drop a drone guided missile on your mother’s house. I kid! I kid! We already did that.

Nola takes her blindfold off.

Nola: First I would like to start this meeting off by saying I would rather be raped than beheaded. Just throwing it out there.

Al- Atosis: Hahahahaha. (To Al-Anon) I like this one. No raping. I wouldn’t lie down with you filthy infidel.

Nola: Am I going to be beheaded?

Al- Atosis: This is the problem with you infidels; you think all we do is rape or behead.

Nola: And blow things up and crash things into buildings. Yes, that is pretty much my working knowledge. Also, you make really cheesy propaganda videos.

Al-Atosis: We are so much more than that and this is precisely the reason we brought you here. Al-Anon (he waves) has been watching you. We are very interested in what you can do for us. Please listen.

Nola: What exactly can I help you with?

AL-Atosis: What are your thoughts about Al-Qaeda?

Nola: Disorganized, lacking a clear mission statement. Wasteful. Incompetent.

Al- Anon: Filthy Bitch!

Al-Atosis: Let her talk! (he shoots Al- Anon) Please, go on.

Nola: You’re past your time. The planes thing? I’ll give you that. Well executed.

Al- Atosis: Pun intended?

Nola: Of course. But since then really nothing. In the meantime the Baja Cartel, Tea Party, Hipsters – they’ve all grown by leaps and bounds. I mean over the summer, the cartels had an Allahdamn recruitment film running in American Theatres called Savages.

Al- Atosis: Al-Yankabitch, why do we not have such a thing?

Nola: Who’s your PR guy?

Al- Atosis: Praise be to Allah he rests with the virgins now.

Nola: Osama? That was your marketing guy? Ineffective, for obvious reasons, but my God- Allah, he was terrible on camera. No charisma. And he’s dead. Al- Yankabitch, you seem theatrical.

Al-Yankabitch: You’ve seen Afghan Idol.

Nola: Nobody did, there weren’t enough antennas.

AL- Yankabitch: (sad) I was a finalist.

Nola: Correction you were a semi finalist moved to finalist after they shot the woman because she swayed – probably wobbly from heat stroke – but she swayed a bit and you shot her in the head.

Al-Atosis: You watched Afghan Idol.

Nola: I was there. Big mistake shooting the woman. Women are what you need and your recruitment strategy is all off. Sure promising 72 virgins to a man in exchange for blowing up the consulate is a good idea, it’s actually genius. But do you know what a woman imagines when she’s promised 72 virgins? The worst 4-minute gang bang of her life. That’s hell, my friend. Which reminds me. We need a kindler gentler Al- Qaeda, which is why we will no longer be referring to them as infidels. They will now be called Friend-fidels. Ps. You’re all pissed off about all the sex happening down here, but it seems like your idea of heaven is a whole lot like an orgy. What if I told you I could give you heaven on earth?

Al- Atosis: Go on.

Nola: Have you ever heard of a little town in Russia called (redacted for obvious reasons)?

Al- Atosis: I mean go on about ideas in regards to Al- Qaeda.

Nola: Well, you guys need a serious rebrand of this organization. Just a few thoughts of the top of my burqa – Fire on your CFO. (They do. They kill AL-Yankabitch) Finances. They’re tied up in the American markets. Remember this: You should trust the Americans in the markets the way you trust an Arab at the market.

Al- Atosis: (laughing) That’s good. I like that joke.

Nola: Also, suspicious packages? Ridiculous. You know what’s not suspicious? (throws newspaper desk) A Newspaper bundle at a newspaper stand. Simple.

Al- Atosis: (jumps) Holy Shiite!

Nola: (laughing) Relax. I’m a scare-orist. It’s just the Moscow Mull. Look at the front page. That’s Vladdy and I at that Ballet.

Al- Atosis: (relaxes a little) Okay, what do we do first?

Nola: Bring in AL-Ly, Al-Ice, and Al-Exandra. From now on we’re a friendly fair-orist organization. Al-Ly, press release. We’re going public – use Twitter not VHS. Al-Ice, get Dimon on the phone – we’ll have GS underwrite the offering: stock weapons. Al- Exandra, get me the President.

Al- Exandra: His head?

Nola: No, on the phone.

Al-Atosis: Americans don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Nola: No, but they do business with them.

Al- Atosis: we have nothing to offer.

Nola: You make one hell of an IED and I think Americans would love to see those on the side of the road in the dreaded lane merge situation. You know that asshole that always drives up the shoulder and cuts in at the last moment? Boom! Yeah, he’d think twice if he knew there were strategically buried IEDS along the road. That alone could win over the hearts and minds of the Americans. Also, you’re our way into Saudi oil. We’ll get you uniforms and you’ll look like a better friend than the Pakistanis in no time. And finally, you can’t kill Americans in bunches anymore at the same time. You have to do it slowly, subtlety – think Mcdonalds, Camel, and Reality Television. Americans love to be killed; they just like to do it on their own turns. It’s what we call Freedom.

Al- Atosis: Do you think it could work?

Nola: You’ll sadly never be around to see the day.

Al- Atosis: I suppose it will take such a long time.

Nola: No, literally I will turn this thing around by tomorrow morning. Your problem is that you’re eating a banana dipped in Ricin.

Al- Atosis: Infidel!

Nola jumps over the dirt table and puts a knife to his throat. He is dying. She whispers:

Nola: Friend-fidel, my friend, Friend-fidel.

And far away at the Half-White House O receives a text message:

Nola does Charlie Rose

Charlie Rose: Tonight on our show, a lil girl who in her short time on this planet has managed to accumulate more accomplishments than those five times her age. Only eight years of age and she boasts an impressive resume: As the so called right hand lil girl of the most powerful man in the free world she has taken in a ballet with the late Kim Jong Il, been involved in the debt talks and has influenced policy – though to what degree we are not aware. For the other side of this lil girl is a dark, highly secretive nature in which she works. She answers directly, and only to the President, and her methods have led to some embarrassing moments for this administration. What is it about this lil girl, who critics have called the most dangerous person in the world? My guest tonight, Nola Shumway. (to Nola) Good evening, Miss Nola Shumway.

Nola: (blushing) Hello Charlie.

Charlie: I want to start with the text message not heard round the world. Take me back to California, just before the election.

Nola: I was out in LA.

Charlie: I’ve heard, though most of my information comes from sources unwilling to go on record, I’ve heard that the then Democratic nominee President Obama had misgivings about you campaigning on the issue?

Nola: Let’s just say the only fags the B.O. was down with at that point were his Newports.

Charlie: But you campaigned anyways. What was the slogan? The first time I heard it I remember thinking ‘this girl has something special’

Nola: No to the Same old, Same old. Yes to the Same same, same same.

Charlie chuckles

Charlie: It didn’t work out though did it? You got arrested?

Nola: Exit Polls, firearms and Soapboxes! Don’t it smell like an election? They missed that quote in the paper. One of my finest if you ask me. But yes, arrested I was. But I was sprung in no time and headed to the Half-White House.

Charlie: Ah, the fateful first meeting of the President and his men.

Nola: And little girl.

Charlie: Were you nervous?

Nola: I prefer a big entrance in those moments. I busted in and screamed ‘Shumway, Nola Shumway. I like my olives garish and I hate martinis

Charlie: Understood, but here you are the youngest aide to the first African American President amidst the most important men in the world. It’s got to get to you.

Nola: Only one of them got to me.

Charlie: Ah. Vladimir Putin. Your rumored beau.

Nola: I can’t confirm or deny because I’m told it’s illegal. I could marry my cousin in about 20 different states but I can’t shack up with an old man until I’m 18. I’ve negotiated treaties between countries, infiltrated terrorist networks and the government wants to tell me I, as an 8 year old, can’t make decisions about who I’m humping? It’s radicchio.

Charlie: Do you see why some may be concerned?

Nola: I was sent by the President of the United States to gain intel on one of the most closed off societies in the world using any method deemed appropriate. And you know what people get hung on?

Charlie: The ballet?

Nola: Yes, that I attended the ballet with Kim Jong. It’s preposterous. We’ll move on now.

Charlie: Of course. Just to be clear-

Nola: (jumps up on the table slides across and as she swings behind Charlie she produces a rope from her boot and fastens it around his neck) We’ll move on here, or I’ll move on here.

Charlie: (laughing) Alright. We move on here.

Nola sits down

Charlie: You know if I were younger and you were older-

Nola: Come on Char, we both know you don’t want me any older.

Charlie: So, after that meeting you got to work on the banking crisis.

Nola: We needed to sell a depression to the American people. They needed to get interested. The only way to get ‘Mericans interested in anything other than food and reality television is to put on a tournament. To coincide with March Madness I created the 2009 March to Nationalization Tournament

Charlie: And that didn’t go well.

Nola: There is always a bigger distraction than the impending doom facing America. It keeps us busy.

Charlie: You were sent back to California to deal with some domestic issues?

Nola: Gayangs.

Charlie: Gangs.

Nola: Gay-angs.

Charlie: Alright. Gay-angs. Where you went undercover as Nola the Chola and met Nolo the Cholo. You got into some trouble there?

Nola: Shout out to my homie Nolo, rest in peace dawg cuz I know you taken a nap at your mama’s crib

Charlie: You were sent- what did Obama say to you?

Nola: After the gay-ang debacle he said he needed to send me somewhere to hide out. Somewhere nobody would look for me.

Charlie: Ah. Yes. And where did he send you.

Nola: The New Testament.

Charlie: And then you disappear for the summer and Fall. But I have it on good authority that you and Larry Summers had some heated battles about the President’s Healthcare Reform.

Nola: Summers is the cat’s bark. Nobody likes the guy. He’s one of my best friend’s but I can’t stand that guy.

Charlie: You fought over the selling of the Health reform to the people.

Nola: I wanted straight forward plans. I made a chart myself. I also wanted to sell it to the old folks first, without even worrying about the youngens.

Charlie: What I heard is you came up with a kind of 1 form 1 time slogan.

Nola: Yes. Old people hate filling out forms. Government healthcare could have alleviated that problem. It would have worked but Summers threw a tantrum and got his way.

Charlie: And you were sent to the Hope for Haiti telethon?

Nola: Punishment, I thought at first. But when I got there I realized it was just a party. It was fantastic.

Charlie: And when you come back from the telethon there is so much public interest in you. Who was this little girl who had the power of men 8 times her age. President Obama decided you were ready to meet the press.

Nola: I had been dreaming of briefing the press at the Half-White House since I was a littler girl.

Charlie: One of my favorite moments in the press conference was the moment you were asked if it was true if you had the ear of the President. And you produced this brown plastic ear and threw it down on the podium. (laughing) Is that still true almost four years later?

Nola: No.

Charlie: It’s not?

Nola: I’ve got the balls of the President now. Why do you think he finally came out in support of gay marriage? It took some time but I’ve built up such an arsenal of information about this President that he can’t do much but tow the line. My line.

Charlie: Interesting. Let’s talk economy.

Nola: I won’t do it. First class or private. Only.

Charlie: I mean, Greece. Debt. What are your thoughts on this latest round of damn the banker? Jaime Dimon is a friend of yours I know.

Nola: Jaime Dimon? He’s a hedgehog. But I love the guy.

Charlie: You’ve defended, famously, a whale before-

Nola: Yes. An alleged killer whale.

Charlie: Any truth to the rumor you may be representing the London Whale?

Nola: I have other plans.

Charlie: I’m curious. Going back to the press conference. You answered all but one of the questions there. I think you know what I’m referring to.

Nola: I was.

Charlie: You are confirming then that you did indeed spend time in the Republican party during the Reagan administration working as an operative?

Nola: I did. I wanted to come on the show tonight and announce to the world that I in fact have never actually left the Republican party and have been working for them all along. The failed first term of the President can be directly linked to me. Failed bank reform. You’re welcome. Failed debt resolution. You’re welcome. Failed Universal Healthcare. You’re welcome. Failed Equal Rights for Gays and Lesbians. You’re Welcome. Failed Campaign Finance Reform. You’re Welcome.

Charlie: Have you spoken to the President recently?

Nola: No need. Haven’t you noticed? Me and Biden have gone rogue.

Charlie: But we will see more of you?

Nola: Oh yes. There will be much more of Nola Shumway to look forward to.

Charlie: Well Nola, thank you for your time. I can’t get over how grown up you seem compared to the girl I met at the ugh- that I met four years ago. I look forward to this next chapter.

Nola: A Presidency will do that do you.

Charlie:  Nola Shumway ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps former aide to the President of the United States.

Whale of a Tale Part 2: The defense calls…

Let us rejoin the  courthouse:

Judge: Defense.

Nola: ZzZzZ

Judge: Defense!

Nola: (waking up from her deep slumber, confused) What…Huh… Are you my mother?

Whale: MUUUU. MUUUUUUU. MUUUUUUU.

Nola: What? I don’t speak whale. (to the judge) Does the court reporter speak whale?

Court Reporter: Que?

Nola: Never mind.

She pulls out her Idon’tPhone and babelmammals the text:

 

Nola: Oh, we’re up. Sweet.  Cnn guy! Yes, question, (pulls out two pictures and shows to the visit) Can you tell the difference between these two people?

Cnn guy: No.

Nola: Tea partiers, note the witness cannot tell these two apart. Defense exhibit A and B. One picture of Kathy Rundle looks just the same as one picture of Katherine Harris. (Nola walks to her table, and high fives Al Gore, who has been sitting quietly the whole time.)

Nola: I’m done with this witness. Get him out of my sight. I would like to call my first witness! (To Al) Cue the music.

Lady Gaga’s instrumental of Bad Romance begins to play it. Over it a Tiger’s roar. The lights dim, the court doors fly open and in walks Montecore

Music: Rawr Rawr, Rawr Rawr Rawr, Rawr Rawr, RawrRawrRawrrrrr, Rawr Rawr, RawrRawrRawrrrrrr

After twenty five laps inside the witness stand, Montecore settles in and sits down

Nola: Hello Kittay! (They air kiss on both cheeks) Muah. Muah. Lovely to see you.

Montecore: Hey girl.

Nola: So, you were raised in captivity?

Montecore: Ohmagawd girl, you already know that. You’ve been to my house like a million times.

Nola: Monte, we’re in court. (whispers) you gotta pretend we aren’t beasties.

Montecore: Oh, gotcha. (loudly) No, we never met before. (winks)

Nola: Again, you were raised in captivity?

Montecore: Yeah.

Nola: By Siegfried and Roy?

Montecore: Yeah, sugar, they were my daddays.

Nola: What happened on Oct 2003?

Montecore: Sugarnipslooook,Im gonna be straight wich chew. There was this tacky ass bitch in like the fifth row, andshewasalllikewhisperingovertoherfriendlike ‘ya’ll see that half black Tiger?’ AndIwaslikeoohmygawd,didshejustsaythatlikeRoyI’mgonnabitethatbeetch.AndhewasalllikenoMoMo Vie hav to do sie show. And so then I don’t know, like you like when you get a feelin’ you know and you just can’t control yourself, I just ripped into Roy’s neck. And plus I was pissed at Roy.

Judge: I’m sorry, can the court reporter read that back slowly?  I think we missed some of that.

Court Reporter: Shugar neeps luke. Im go-nah be straight wich chew. Dare was dees tacky

Judge: Stop! Do we have a translator for the court reporter? Nevermind. (to Montecore) please speak slowly.

Montecore: Okay because sometimes when I get dee nerves I speak fast.

Judge: Well breathe. Proceed Nola.

Nola: So why did you try to rip Roy’s face off?

Montecore: Because he was prrr prrr hitting prrr prrr me a lot and stuff like that.

Nola: Can you describe his penis?

Prosecutor: Objection! Leading!

Nola: I’m trying to establish a pattern of sexual abuse endured by the witness at the hands of his captor.

Judge: he never said anything about sexual abuse.

Nola: No, he didn’t, (motioning to the jury) but they heard it. False seeds produce true fruits. Right?

Nola high fives Montecore

Judge: Medic!

Nola: (licking the blood from her hand) I’m fine, I’m fine. Geesh. (winks) Defense is finished with this gorgeous witness. (pause)  Ladies and gentleman of the jury, let the record show that this animal snapped after suffering years of abuse. Abuse, that the For Now United States of America condoned by allowing this sexual act to go on.

Judge: Nola.

Nola: What? I’ve seen their act your honor, it’s very homo erotic. Middle America loves it.

Judge: Prosecution?

Prosecutor: Yes, your honor. On that note,  Montecore, do you think the fact that you were raised by gay parents had a lot to do with your behavior?

Montecore: No, biotch, I think the fact that IM A FUCKING TIGER HAD A LOT TO DO WITH MY BEHAVIOR! If someone don’t geet these beetch outta my face.

Prosecutor: You may step down.

Montecore leaves

Music: RAwr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr…….

Nola: Your honor, for my next witness I’d like to call Steven H Chimp, brother to deceased chimp Travis.

Steven H Chimp enters the courthouse, swears on all 20 forms of religious articles and then takes a seat

Nola: Hi Steven. Can you tell us a bit about your brother Travis.

Steven: Um, well, until that bitch Sandra started medicating him he was a nice enough guy. He was always a little strange, you know, growing up the way he did. But then when he started that anxiety medication, it was like a bomb went off inside of him. So, one day, he just went crazy and ripped that lady’s face off.

Nola: (holds up a picture of a lady) Steven, can you tell me what this looks like to you?

Steven: It looks like a woman who has had her face ripped off by a monkey.

Nola: It does. And, can you tell me who this woman is?

Steven: It’s the prosecutor.

Nola: It is…She is ugly, isn’t she?

Steven: Yeah, she’s pretty ugly. (he poos and then flings it at her)

Nola: Hahahahaha. Hahahaha. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha.

The courtroom erupts with laughter

Judge: Order! Order in the court!

Nola jumps up on the judge’s bench

Nola: Cheeseburger and fries please.

Judge: If I get a side of onion rings will you split them with me?

Nola: Sure!

Prosecutor: Objection! Why do we always eat where she wants to eat?

Nola: Because I’m cute.

Judge: Sustained.

Nola:  Okay. Back to my case. Jury, I think what this witness is trying to convey is that his brother suffered abuse at the hands of his capture. His only recourse was to rip the face off the prosecutor.

Prosecutor: Objection! Defense threatens!

Judge: Sustained. Counsel, watch yourself.

Nola: Fine. Sufferin Succotash you people are so serious. Defense calls Sea World penguins to the stand.

45 minutes after a line of penguins marches into the courtroom, Nola begins her examination

Nola: You suffer from claustrophobia, true?

Penguin: Yep.

Nola: Your honor, I’d like to play a video now for the court. Penguin number 1, what do you see on this video?

Penguin: (Opens his beak)

Nola: (interrupting) yes, that’s me! Genius wasn’t it? Best way to outsource your own protest is to show up to an immigration protest. Those darn illegals, they had no idea what those signs I gave them even said.

Let us cut to KCal newscast about protest at City Hall:

‘Hi, I’m Rick Garcia. (Chuckles) Seems some people got mixed up about what they were protesting down at city hall today. Ha-ha. Let’s cut to the video.

Let us cut back to the courtroom:

Nola: (to the jury) Do you see the pattern that is developing? Innocent wild animals forced to live in captivity and treated awfully. Penguins, you may step down.

In the meantime Nola has had the entrance to the stand sprayed down with snow, so that as the penguins leave the stand they flop on their bellies and slide out.

2 minutes later:

Nola: Your honor, defense calls its final witness, Steve Irwin’s crocodile. Now obviously, in interest of keeping the court safe, we’ve had to tie his mouth shut, so he’d like me to read a statement:

Dearest esteemed court, and members of the tea party jury,

My name is Crocodile. I was one of the crocodiles used during the filming of the ‘Crocodile Hunter’ Let it be known that during filming I was never compensated, I had to go without meals, and I was continuously harassed by Mr. Irwin and his offspring.  I don’t wish to go into details, but those were the most painful years of my life.

Sincerely,

Crocodile

(Nola puts away the paper and addresses the Judge)

Nola: Your honor, the defense takes a nap. Croc, you may step down.

Judge: Okay, well let’s recess and start with closing statements in the morning.

Prosecutor: (leaps out of her chair) Hold it! Prosecution calls rebuttal witness to the stand.

Nola: Huh? The croc had me read a statement. You wouldn’t even let him open his jaw. Who could possibly have anything to say about his testimony?

Prosecutor: Prosecution calls Stingray to the stand.

Court gasps….

Judge: Order! Give me my order!

Nola: Your honor, I need a moment to interfere on behalf of my client.

To be continued….

Whale of a Tale Part 3: Wingslaps, Whale tale high fives and double dutch.

We return to the third and final installment of Whale of a Tale:

StingRay is placed on the stand and the swearing-in books are placed in his tank.

 Just as he is about to place his barb on the books the Judge interrupts –

Judge: Witness may proceed without swearing in.

Prosecutor Rundle: StingRay.

StingRay: Gooday.

Prosecutor Rundle: Care to tell us how it is that you came to kill Steve Irwin?

StingRay: Alright, sure, mate. That croc over there ‘proached me to do a deal. Said he needed to get rid of that crikey white devil. Said he pay me ten squid to off him. So that’s what I did.

Prosecutor Rundle: No further questions.

Judge: Defense.

Nola: Sting Ray Can you tell me which of these two is the croc that approached you about murdering Steve Irwin?

StingRay: The one on the left.

Nola: You’re positive?

StingRay: I’m positive.

Nola: (to jury) Let the record show witness has admitted to being HIV positive and also that he is sure that the ‘croc’ on the left is the one he spoke too.

Prosecutor Rundle: Objection! Defense is salamandering the witness.

Nola: Fine. I strike my statement. Let the record show witness denies being HIV positive and believes that the croc on the left is the croc he spoke with.

Prosecutor Rundle: Oh Jesus! I give up!

Nola: Let the record show that both of these pictures are in fact of the same…. Alligator!

Court gasps!

Nola: Witness can’t tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile! Remove him.

StingRay slaps Nola across the face with his wing. She flies across the room, hits the wall slides to the floor, gets up and takes her seat next to the ‘Alleged’ Killer Whale.

Judge: Closing statements. Prosecution?

Prosecutor Rundle stands at her table and addresses the jury –

Prosecutor Rundle: I need a drink.

Judge: Very well. Defense?

Nola throws herself on the ground and goes on a fifteen minute tantrum

Nola: I don’t wanna- it’s not fair, you can’t make me… waaaa…. Waaa. And another thing…. I don’t wanna… It isn’t fair!

Fifteen minutes later

Nola: (rolling around on the floor) I don’t think it’s fair! I don’t wanna!

Judge: Nola.

Nola: But it’s not fair! I don’t wanna!

Prosecutor Rundle: This is childish even for a child. I can’t believe I’m here.

Judge: NOLA!

Nola: Yes?

Judge: I think we get it.

Nola: Great. I’ll be outside playing double dutch with the homeless. (She skips out) Lalala lalala lalala….

Judge: Jury, please remove yourselves to deliberate.

Let us now cut to CNN

Nancy Grace: Well Wolf, the texts just keep on comin’ in and I’d say our little Miss Nola is going to have to put up a big fat L on her forehead because the case that the prosecution presented was just too much to argue with. Who can argue with ‘I need a drink’, who? I certainly couldn’t. It looks like I’m not going to get to throw my babies off the Brooklyn Bridge after all.

Wolf: You meant to say have – right? You meant to say you weren’t going to have to throw your babies over the Brooklyn Bridge. Right?

Nancy: (throws her head back) Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Ha! Ha! Yes of course. (All of a sudden very serious) Let’s cut to the deliberation of the jury. For the first time ever we’ve been granted permission to listen in as the jury deliberates. Listen carefully to hear your concerned citizens fulfill their civic duty.

 

Nancy: Well Wolf, it looks like they are really getting into the bones of the case and really trying to get at the heart of the matter.

Wolf: I’ll be honest Nancy; I just heard a lot of crazy rambling.

Judge: Tea Party Jury, you have come to a verdict?

Tea Party Foreman: We have your honor- and may I just say that you were and only granted the power to preside over these hearings by the greatest document known to any man on any planet – The Constitution – and so you think you have the power but the true power lies in the people.

Judge: Just shut the fuck up and read the verdict.

Tea Party Foreman: Yes sir. We the jury felt that the defendant was guilty –

Nola looks down at phone

Tea Party foreman: – But then we couldin’ really agree on as to why we thought the whale was guilty so then we come up wit the solution that the whale wasn’t guilty but the victim. We think. So we find for the defendant.

Nola: Your honor, in light of the recent finding defendant asks that Sea World and furthermore the state of Florida to pay for all legal fees incurred during this trial.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: Defendant wishes to be immediately released into the wild and citing the ruling Keenan VS Butler in which the victim was given the property of the perpetrator’s compound, we ask that Bristol Bay be awarded to the Whales as a sanctuary.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: In the legal document I just filed two seconds ago through Legal Zoom, the crocodiles have filed a suit against the Federal Government for not protecting them against immigrants, namely and most specifically Steve Irwin and that creepy little daughter of his.  The crocodiles ask that compensation be paid with the immediate take over by said crocodiles of every swamp and marsh land in the America.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: On behalf of Siegfried and Roy’s Tiger, on the grounds that Montecore and many other cats were held against their will and humiliated for years we ask that the Federal Government promptly invade Africa and give it to the Tigers.

Montecore: Aw, hell no I ain’t going back to Africa. Get my ass a floor at Aria.

Nola: Motion to strike last request.

Judge: granted.

Nola: Defense instead asks that in regards to the Tiger, the Federal Government allow my Russian boyfriend to strong-arm the Vegas Casino and hotel Aria to allow for immediate accommodation of said upper level penthouse for Montecore as long as he or his heirs shall live.

Judge: Granted.

Nola: (Takes out Milk crate) and another thing! Let the record show that on this day, this administration’s littlest aide, has introduced a bill which will, with my boyfriend’s money, and frankly my boyfriend’s threats, be pushed through Congress and the Senate quickly, this bill called the Animal Rights Act of 2010 says that as long as  animals display signs of intelligence that surpass their human counterparts:

Nola: Then animals shall be given the same rights to freedom as all persons. Animals will no longer be used as entertainment or as slaves. And if you do use said animals for entertainment or as slaves, let it be known that this administration will come after you with the full force of our rewritten powers. And we’re going to take back what is owed to the animals; they’re environment. And we isn’t gonna quit until that whole fucking environment belongs to them again. Thank you from Florida, goodnight.

Nola high fives Al Gore

Formerly accused Killer Whale high fives Nola with his tail and sends her flying across the room. Nola it’s the wall and slides down to the floor. She looks down at her phone

Nola answers a call… talks to a Fugee.

Our sweet, pretty, young Nola was (very) recently asked to attend the HopeForHaitiNow telethon in Los Angeles. After laughing at Obama for five minutes:

Nola: You’re kidding. They’re calling it Hope for Haiti. No. Come on. (Rolling around on the floor in the oval office) Stop. (Pounding the ground with her hand) Stop! You’re kidding me. Uh. Hahahahahahaahahha. Hahahaahhahhaha.

Obama: Nola, I’m quite serious. Now look, I have a few requests.

Nola: (gets up, tears rolling down her cheeks) Hahaha. Okay. I’m good. I’m done. Ha. Wait. hahaha. No, I’m not. Hahahaahhaaha. Hope for Haiti. What’s next? Optimism in Africa.

Obama: Nola.

Nola: I’m going… I’m going…
… Nola was on her way.

Cut to the telethon headquarters:

A frazzled assistant carrying a clipboard greets Nola in the celebrity holding tank, or, a bar.

Assistant: Hi, umm…. (looking down at clipboard) Nola? Is that how you say it?

Nola: No ma’am. I would say it a little less like you’re talking to a subordinate and a little more like you’re talking to royalty.

Assistant: Uh… huh. Great. Alright, here’s the seating arrangement for taking calls. We rotate celebrities in and out every fifteen minutes.

Nola: (winks) Oh, gotcha. yeah wouldn’t want any awkward run ins between exes.

Assistant: (smiling) Right. So I have a few questions, just to figure out where to put you in this rotation.
Have you ever slept with Drew Carey?

Nola: Hahahahahahahaha.

Assistant: Um, yeah, just kidding. But, seriously, have you ever slept with Steven Spielberg?
Nola: Jew? No.

Assistant: Samuel Jackson?

Nola: That motherfuckas here? Let me get at him. Where he at? (to assistant) You know I worked with his cousin Jules on the Prop 8 campaign.

Assistant: But have you slept with him?

Nola: No. Almost, but no.

Assistant: Ben Stiller?

Nola: I don’t sleep with angry little men.

Assistant: Eric Dane?

Nola: Eh, I’m not into Herpes.

Assistant: Justin Timberlake?

Nola: Or syphilis.

Assistant: Keith urban?

Nola: Is that the drunken Aussie with the flat ironed hair over hair?

Assistant: Yes.

Nola: No. Never. Hey, Is that little bitch Kanye West here?

Assistant: No, Kanye doesn’t care about really black people.

Nola: Good. I wouldn’t want him to come face to face with me. That little jackass was very mean to my Swifty. Okay, I’m bored of you. Who do I get my gift bag from?

Assistant: Gift bag?

Nola: Yeah. And, um, I know this year’s celebrity must have is a Haitian baby, but just pull mine out and toss it in a dumpster. I don’t want that baby shitting on my new Diorettes. (pause) They are giving us the new Diorettes, right?

Assistant: No! No gift bags! And I’m not throwing your gift bag baby in a dumpster. (she composes herself) You get two guaranteed close ups and we air one of your best phone calls.

Nola: Will there be bottle service?

Assistant: Yes, but only during times when we’ve cut away from the studio to show footage of Haiti.

Nola: Alright, I can handle this for a bit. Can you get me a White Russian?

Assistant: Um, now. Wait. You’re eight.

Nola: (skipping off to her seat) I kid. I kid. (winks) Besides, I already have one.

Nola sits down next to Jennifer Aniston. After a few minutes of pleasantries, a few lines of coke and one intense make out situation, Nola takes her first call…

Nola: Nola Shumway here. Are you going to donate a lot of money or just a little bit of money?

Assistant comes running over and hangs up phone.

Assistant: You can’t do that Nola. We don’t want to make them feel bad about not giving a lot of money.

Nola: It’s only implied. I’m a skilled diplomat, let me do my job you crazy cracker.

Assistant throws up her hands, pops a Xanax and leaves. Nola puts her head down next to her phone and waits for a call.

Nola: ZzZzZ
Phone: Ring Ring Ring Ring Ring.
Nola: ZzZzz
Phone: Ring ring Ring Ring Ring.

Jennifer: (leans over and grabs Nola’s phone) Hello. Hi. Yeah, no, she’s right here. (elbows Nola)

Nola jumps up on the desk and screams like a little girl. She starts crying.

Jennifer: oh, Nola. Sweetie, wake up, you were just having a nightmare. Here, Vlad is on the phone. He wants to talk to you.

Nola: Vladdy! (grabs the phone) Vladdy. Yes, Да, младенец, I’ll получает вам автограф. Да, I’ll дает ему ваш сценарий. Я тебя люблю слишком младенец.

Hangs up phone.

Nola: (to Jen) I’m dying of boredom. Where can I get a seat filler?

Jen: Oh, sweetie, you have to wait until someone rotates you out.

Nola: (eyes wide) Jen! Don’t turn around. I think radbay is taking the tagesay. Awkward. (stands on the desk and screams) Help! Help!

Assistant: (panicked) What happened? Are you okay?

Nola: Yes. I was calling for the help. I’m ready to rotate out.

Assistant: (throws clipboard) Fine! You know what? I don’t care! I don’t care about Haiti, I don’t care about celebrities, I don’t care that I’m not going to get a chance to make out with Robert Pattinson at the after party.

Nola: Oh, sweetie, that wasn’t ever going to happen. You’re a five… tops.

Assistant: I don’t need this! I was in Africa for three years, but I have never seen anything like this!

Nola: (confused) Electricity? (pause) Bottled water? A room full of HIV-free adults?

Magic Johnson rotates in.

Nola: Scratch that last one. Look, plain Jane… May I call you plain Jane? You have to understand, we’re all busy important people here. Okay. And we’re pretty. I get that the Haitian children are suffering and all that, but we’re suffering too. Okay. Look, I’ll be nice. I’ll stay for another fifteen minutes okay. You take this (Nola hands assistant a date rape pill) and put in Robert’s water bottle. You two go relax in the green room okay. I’ve got this.

Nola takes a seat next to Drew Carey.

Nola: (staring at Drew) Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Drew: Oh, well, hello little girl. Who are you? You’re cute.

Nola: Hahahahahahahahaha.

Drew: (puzzled) Okay. Well, I’m going to get back to the phones.

Nola: (watching Drew) Hahahahaha. Hahaha. Hahahaahahaha.

Drew: (answers phone) Well hello there. I’m Drew carey, and who do I have the pleasure of speaking to? (pause) Yes. Drew. Carey. C-A-R-E-Y. No I wasn’t that guy on Saturday Night Live who died. (forces smile for his close up) Nope, wasn’t in the Great Outdoors. Yes I did love that movie. Hello? Hello?

Nola: Hahahaha. They hung up on you? Hahahaahaha. Let me guess, they wanted to talk to Robert Pattinson.

Drew: No, Leonardo Dicrapio.

Nola: Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha.

All of sudden the lights are turned down and all attention is to the stage. Beyonce saunters out and begins a song.

Nola: (singing, quite loudly) All the single Haitis! All the single Haitis. All the single Haitis.

Drew: Nola! (chuckling) Quiet.

Beyonce: Everywhere I’m looking now I’m surrounded by your embrace. Haiti I can see your halo,

Record skips. Nola jumps up and rushes Beyonce.

Nola: B! B! Stop. Haiti’s Halo? That’s a dust cloud… from debris. (Grabs the mic.) You are fired. Now, I must ask you to collect your things and leave the building.

Wyclef walks by

Nola: Refugee!!! Hey, come here. (snapping her fingers) Come here. I have an idea for you.

Wyclef: I don’t even know you.

Nola: Yeah, if it weren’t for this telethon, I wouldn’t know you either. But I heard you were the guy who got famous after doing a cover of a song. Right? Well… you need a comeback, right?

Wyclef: Um, I guess.

Nola: Let’s cut the shit Clef, on January twelfth, you lost your fan base. So look, here’s the angle. You need a song. A beautiful catchy song that connects people to the tragedy. Remember how Katrina telethon had that Hallelujah song. And now when people hear that song it reminds them of….

Cut To Justin Timberlake

Justin: Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. I heard that ….

Nola: Okay, well for awhile they heard that song and thought of New Orleans. Anyway, You take a cool eighties song and cover it. I’m thinking ‘We Built This City’ but you change it up a little to ‘We Built This Shitty.’

Wyclef: You’re joking.

Nola: No sir, I never joke. I am always one hundred percent serious in the wake of tragedy. And since I was born on Skid Row to two junkies, I guess you could say I’ve been serious my whole life.

Wyclef: Whoa, okay, chill out little white devil, you’re killing my high.

Nola: Okay, so the next thing you need to do is ride the coattails of a catchy campaign. A perfect fit for us would be NOH8. We’ll add a TI to the tape and start filming celebrity endorsements.

Wyclef: Why would we want NOH8TI?

Nola: You’re a refugee. Use your noggin. I’m not allowed to say this on your record, but I can tell you that the Obama administration wants to make it clear that if the rebuilding of Haiti did not happen and refugees were forced to move on, we would gladly accept them here in the good ol’ for now United States of the white Americas. You’ve seen how Americans open their hearts in the midst of tragedy. We think this will go over well with the populists.

Wyclef: Child. Are you crazy? I don’t want no crazy machete waving Haitians running up on my house. I’m gonna help em, but I’m gonna help em over there. Know what I’m saying.

Cut to stunned camera man who just caught that whole exchange on live television..

Camera man: ughhhhhhh……

Nola’s phone rings.

Nola: Hi, O. You saw? Yeah, it was perfect. The administration’s policy on refugees is clear. It’s also clear that a former refugee wants no part of it. Right. I’m on my way back; just have to stop at an after party. Yes. I’ll behave. Ish. Press conference? Absolutely. I’ve been waiting my whole life to brief at the White House. Ciao.

Nola in the nude: A Testament To Mark

The Gospel According To
MARK

Nola: Okay bye. (Closes her bible and turns to find herself back at the same river she had passed earlier.) Oh no, not you again. (She runs off and grabs a man who looks to be a soldier walking near the river.) Excuse me! Excuse me. Hello, Nola Shumway here, friend to sinners, foe to saints. I’ve got a huge problem that I’m about to make your problem. You see that dastardly man over there? In the water? Shaggy looking fella? No, the other one. Yes. Well! Injustice of all injustices- speaking of injustices how hot is Sonia Sotomayor?
Soldier gives Nola a puzzled look-
Nola: Sorry, (pinches herself until she screams) stay on task Nola Shumway! Focus! (To soldier) That’s what my Vladdy says! HAHAhahah. (Starts to cry) Well, I miss him and I think he’s found another little girl to date. I saw him in a picture with this little twerp Svetlana. (Looks up at confused soldier) Sorry. Not the point. Point is, that man over there tried to drown me! Several times! I want you to arrest him immediately and chop off his head! Do it or else!
The soldier laughs and pats Nola on the head.
Suddenly music: The Russian National Anthem.
Nola: Oh great. Perfect. (Grabs IPHONE out of her pocket) Vladdy? Is that you? Yes, I’m a bit busy. But- Yes, I saw it. (Pause) Yes I want an explanation! How can you do this to me? Is it because I’m too old now? I can look younger you know. I have onesies. (Notices soldier staring switches to Russian with a perfect accent) Мне нужно вы сделать меня благосклонность, моя влюбленность.How do I say, Oh never mind. Darling? Prrrrr, darling Vladdy? Can you tell this stupid mean ol soldier to behead this dumb guy who tried to drown me?
(Soldier takes phone from Nola. As the voice on the other end begins to speak the soldier turns as white as Nola’s backside. What is said to the soldier is something the reader cannot and should not hear. Soldier gives phone back to Nola and runs toward the man wading in the water. He slices off his head and brings it to Nola.)
Nola: (looks down at bloody head) Gross. Vlad? I gotta go. I’m trying to find Jesus. Call Kim, he lonely.
Nola picks up bloody head and starts skipping back towards the mountain.

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Reverend Lowery: And now let us look at Mark 6 verse 14. John the Baptist is beheaded by Nola Shumway’s henchman at the request of her lover Vladimir Putin. (Reverend looks up to a wide-eyed congregation)
Nola: Psst. O? Bible talk. You got a second?
Obama: Nola! You killed John the Baptist?
Nola: No. I killed some creepy, crazy man who tried to drown me.
Obama: But Nola, King Herod was supposed to do that. What is King Herod going to do now?
Nola: Have dusty sex with a lot of young girls?
Obama: Nola, this is serious. Reverend Lowery is losing his mind. You’re rewriting the bible.
Nola: Relax O, everyone rewrites the bible.
Obama: Nola.
Nola: O, I’m doing my best but the bible is confusing. I’ve been reading some of this stuff and it’s crazy. I mean like Kim Jong Il crazy. Don’t tell him I said that okay, he’s sensitive.
Obama: I agree.
Nola: Hey, O, riddle me this: Why was this Jesus guy preaching about the end of times if he knew the end of times wouldn’t be for at least two thousand years. I mean, I don’t tell my grandma about the fact that I’m already sterile because of the Chlamydia I caught while I was doing that research in Slovakia. You know why? Because by the time I get around to having kids she won’t be alive. There isn’t any point in worrying her.
Obama: Nola.
Nola: So, I’m going to find this Jesus guy.
Obama: Nola.
Nola: And when I do he better pray there is a god. And he better hope it’s his daddy. Good day Mr. President.
Obama closes his bible and looks around. The congregation is staring at him. Their eyes move from him to the Reverend. Finally the reverend again begins to speak.

Reverend Lowery: (nervous) Where was I?

CUT TO NOLA SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Nola tumbles from the mountain and knocks Jesus over.
Jesus: A dove?
Nola: No, dummy, a hot mess. (Pulling down her shorts and up her feather panties) This tanga was a gift from mi amor Vladimir Putin. (She tugs on a ripped feather) Great it’s ruined. (To Jesus) Vladdy is going to poison me! (Looks at Jesus)You must know him (accusingly, with her face in his face)
Jesus: (to his followers) who is this child to speak in such a –
Nola: (interrupting)WHO AM I…To speak in such a commanding manner? Dare you question who she is? She, who talks to you as if you were that thing she despises most openly and unapologetically about this world? It is of no concern to you who I am, or even what I am. (Pause) However, understanding that you are-and I forgive it- only humans I suppose you will require a name to this face. Typical isn’t it? For nothing exists until a human has named it.
CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Churchgoer: That’s some real deep shit, right there.

CUT BACK TO NOLA:

Nola: (to Jesus) you win, from this point on I will be introducing myself as Nola of Skid Row. And you, no doubt, are Jesus. (Reaches into her pocket and pulls out three stones) Turn these into bread.
Jesus: My child, I cannot.
(Nola flips through her Bible for Dummies.)
Nola: Well, according to this Matthew guy, you turned two fish into a million fish. Unless you’re with Gorton’s, and are selling fish sticks, I don’t see how that’s possible. I want to see a miracle Jeeeeeesus.
Jesus: A man planted a vineyard. He put a wall around it, dug a pit for the winepress-
Nola: -zZzZz…
Jesus: – and built a watchtower. Then he rented the-
Nola: zZzZz…
Jesus: – vineyard to some farmers and went away on a journey.
Nola: zZzZz…
Jesus: My child?… Nola…Nola!
Nola: Sorry, fell asleep. Standing up, (to Jesus’ followers) if that don’t seem like a miracle to you I don’t know what does. (Back to Jesus) Look, I don’t need you to talk to me like I’m an idiot. I did eight years on skid row and I’m a Rhodes Scholar. I’m really smart.
Jesus: We are all Road’s scholars, my child.
Nola: Shut it Koresh. All I’m trying to find out is whether or not everything I’m reading in this BFD is true. Can you really turn water into wine? And if so can you go one more and turn it into vodka? I could sure use a Cosmo.

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Rahm: (whispering over Obama’s shoulder) Mr. President, they’re starting to tweet.
Obama: (looks over at the congregation who all have Iphones out feverishly typing. Looks up to reverend Lowery who is sweating profusely.) But we can all see the changes. Look, Rahm, you see right here in Mark 1:12:
And immediately the Nola driveth him into the wilderness.
Nola then asks Jesus to prove his worthyness.
It is plain as day on the pages.
Rahm: I see it, you see it, and poor Reverend Lowery sees it. The trouble is, people don’t actually read the bible. They’re counting on the Reverend to give them the good word. And the good word on the streets is that Nola is the Devil.
Obama: Oh Jesus!

CUT TO NOLA AND JESUS IN THE WILDERNESS:

Jesus: God? Is that you?
Nola: You know, sometimes I think maybe you are the son of god? You know why? You know why? Because you are completely retarded! (Pushes past Jesus knocking him over, looks up to the sky) Hey O. What’s the haps?
Obama: Nola, your time there is over. I want you to head back to Bethlehem. I will have the secret service pick you up there.
Nola: (her foot out in front her, she moves her leg in a half circle motion looking as cute as possible) But, Oooooo, I’m just starting to relax here. I’m interrogating Jesus. I just asked –
Obama: -Yes, you just asked him to turn water into vodka. Nola, this is serious. Reverend Lowery has been preaching it all in church today. Every move you make there is showing up here, in our bibles. The congregation has started Tweeting about it. We failed to see the connection before: Nola is a nickname for New Orleans.
Nola: For the love of Turkish bathes! I’m going to need to change my name.
Obama: So the Reverend preached about Nola taking Jesus into the wilderness and now the congregation is up in arms, saying that I am now involved with a Reverend who preaches that New Orleans is the devil.
Nola: HAHAHAHAAHHAHA. O, you almost had me. That is funny. How could anyone (pulling out her iphone, pulling up Twitterfon app) actually believe such-

Nola: Sufferin Suckatash!
Obama: Rahm is on damage control. You may need to be introduced to the public at some point. Nola, you’re on the radar now and we need to figure out the best course of action from here. I think what you need to do immediately is to make your way back to Bethlehem, hastily. And please, for the love of country Nola, don’t talk to anyone.
Nola: Got it. Sewing my mouth shut. Back to Bethlehem.
TO BE CONTINUED………

Nola in the Nude: A Testament to John

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Reverend Lowery: (uncomfortable chuckling) Well isn’t that silly, West Side Story. Let’s all turn those bibles to page 621 and begin in John. (Flipping through his bible nervously, sweat dripping down his forehead. He takes out a handkerchief with the words God Wipes the Brow of the Weary embroidered on it, he puts it to his forehead and wipes the sweat) Never did go wrong in John, is what they say. Yes, here we are. John 1, verse 1. He looks down at his page:

Reverend Lowery: Oh, the lord is testing me today. (Smiles and looks up at congregation) Can I get an Amen?
Congregation (which is down to two women) : Gaymen!
Reverend Lowery: That’s odd. It (pause) sounds, (pause) yes it did, it sounded like you just said Gaymen.
Congregation: Gaymen.
(Reverend Looks up. Looks down at his bible)

CUT TO SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Voice from the sky: NOLA!
Nola: (skipping) what’s up now?
Obama: How can you have possibly written a testament? You’re still there!
Nola: I’m paying John to write it for me.
Obama: Back to Bethlehem! Wait for the Secret Ser-
Nola: -Servants. I’m on it O.
Obama: Service. Secret Service Nola.
Nola skips up to a sign:

(If she had bothered to translate, she would have known that she was in fact, in Jerusalem. She skips over to a group of men standing outside of a building)
Nola: Servants! Got it. Alright, I see them. Gotta go. (Shuts her Bible for Dummies and runs over to the Secret Servants, whom are camped outside a room) Hello help, how are ya? (Waves ferociously) I’m starved. Quick chowtime then its back to the black house. Got it?
Secret Servant, oops, Service Agent: (stares silently)
Nola: This place looks good. (Over her shoulder) love, love, love the robes.

A host seats Nola and her agents at a long table. As Nola looks to her left she notices a man washing the foot of another. She jumps up, runs over to the chair, knocks the man over and puts her feet in the tub.

Nola: Pedis! (To man washing her feet, in perfect Korean) 짧은 못. 어리석은 매력 없음. 명확한 광택. 그것 뿐이다! 그것을 얻는? 당신이 듣지 않는 경우에, 나는 나의 서투르게 수선한 매니큐어를 한 못으로 당신의 눈을 말소하기 위하여 려고 하고 있다.
Jesus: (looking up from her feet) Nola?
Nola: (looks down from her Fortune magazine) Jesus? What in a whore’s abortion are you doing in a nail salon? Wait! What am I doing in a nail salon, that serves food? Gross!
(Jesus grabs Nola by the neck and walks her outside.)
Nola: Re-leeeeeeease meh Jesus! Reeeeee-lease meh from your evil grip! Put me down you wretch! (Kicking and spitting)
Jesus: You have caused far too much trouble for me. I’m trying to enjoy a nice meal with my friends. You will stay out here until the Secret Service arrives to escort you back to the White House. White House, Nola, not the Black House, we’ve spoken about this issue. The service has been alerted to your whereabouts. You are in Jerusalem, not Bethlehem. Stay put.
Nola: (Stops struggling) wait a minute. O? Is that you? Hahahahaahhaha. God dammit. Hahahahahhahahahhahahha. (Looks at the sky) You got me! You son of an African!
Obama: (From the sky, chuckling) my sweet Nola, you aren’t the only one who can tamper with the good book. (Obama, as Jesus, sets Nola down and walks back into the restaurant) Please, Nola, for the sake of society, stops tampering with the bible. Stay there. Don’t make a move. (Nola starts shaking her ass) I can see that, Nola. Please, this is serious. Stay put until the Secret Service arrive.
Nola: (Gives a hail Hitler salute) Yes, comrade! (Nola sits down on a mule tied up outside the restaurant and pulls out her Iphone.)
(Jesus, Simon and Peter slip out a side exit to the restaurant. Nola sees them and follows.)
Nola: Fishers of men!
(Jesus puts his hand on Simon’s shoulder and whispers into his ear.)
Jesus: The cock shall not crow, till thou hast denied me thrice. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also. In my father’s house are many mansions.
Nola: Jesus is going to rape Simon at his father’s house! (To John) Write that down. (To herself) So Jesus is gay, and he’s going to rape people. Well, not on my watch. But which father’s house? (Guards walk towards Nola and she speaks to one)
Nola: Excuse me, excuse me, remember me? I’m the little girl who filed the complaint about being drowned by that crazy John the beheaded. I have another problem.
(Soldier stares at Nola)
Nola: Strong silent type? Good. Okay, Simon is going to get raped tonight. At Jesus’ father’s mansion.
Soldier: Jesus of Nazareth?
Nola: Never heard of him. (She continues) But I’m not sure which father Jesus is talking about. Soldier: Jesus of Galilee?
Nola: Um? Am I not speaking English? Never heard of him either. (She continues) And I’m also not entirely sure which of these many mansions it will take place at. I’m thinking Joseph, in Bethlehem because if I know Jesus, it’s going to get dirty, and in Bethlehem, they have a donkey. Soldier: Jesus of Bethlehem?
Nola: Yes! You know him? He’s right over there. You’ll know him because he’s the guy making out with Judas.
(They look over and see Jesus and Judas standing in a garden, [edit] and [edit, edit] up and down [edit] kissing.)
(The soldiers run over to him and arrest him)
Nola: Wait! Wait! I’ll need to properly interrogate him. I’m sure he has others working for him. Wait! (To John) Here, (she shows him a picture on her Iphone)

Go find this and bring it to me. I’ll be (flipping through her Bible for Dummies) at the Governor’s mansion. Meet me there. (laughs to herself)

CUT TO THE OVAL OFFICE :

Obama: (feet up on desk, hands resting on the top of his head he stares at the ceiling)
Rahm: (passing a joint to Barack) Barack. You’ve got to calm yourself. Nola is going to come through. She’ll be back here tonight safe, sound, and slightly insane.
Obama: (smiles) Sometimes I think it’s too much for one little girl.
Rahm: Come on, O, this is Nola Shumway we’re talking about. If anyone can take on Jesus.
Obama: You’re right, it’s Nola. Hey, remember the time we sent her to the Republican National Convention and she convinced Sarah Palin that all her downs baby needed was a little shaking? (Laughing hysterically) Nola Shumway is literally chasing down Jesus in the New Testament. How motherfuckin high am I right now?

CUT TO SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Nola arrives at the Governor’s mansion and sees a huge crowd. She kicks and punches and stabs her way to the front. She sees Jesus and an oddly dressed man standing on a balcony.
Pilate: Tell me what I should do with this self proclaimed king of Jews-
Nola: Attention! Attention! (Sits down a crate that says ‘IN MEMORY OF MILK’ and steps up on it. She addresses the crowd)
Nola: Injustice! Injustice! This man who stands before you is not who he says he is! He is a closeted homosexual. And I stand here today with a message from Ted Haggard to tell Jesus the errors of his ways.
Pilate: Seize the girl! She works with this so called King of the Jews.
(Nola looks over to Jesus who is smiling at her)
Nola: You dirty rotten no good liar!
(Jesus laughs as they take him and Nola away.)

CUT TO THE EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Reverend Lowery: (wiping the sweat from his weary brow. Looks up at the stunned congregation of two) you see, that right there is Jesus tricking the devil. You see, Jesus knew he was going to die for your sins, but he also took care of Nola the devil. That’s how amazing the mind of Christ is. In this next verse we will now look at the amazing strength of Christ’s body. How was he able to endure such pain and agony?
Congregation lady 1: Girl, something wrong with that Jesus. Shoot, I don’t blame Nola. If some guy told me his cock would crow after I denied him, I’d cut off his dick right then and there.
Congregation lady 2: True. I’d pull some Lorena Bobbitt shit and then feed it to him.
Congregation: Gaymen! Gaymen! Free Nola! Free Nola!

CUT TO SOMEWHERE IN THE NEW TESTAMENT:

Nola: (struggling with guards) you are making the biggest mistake of your pathetic lives. Do you know what is about to happen to you? You’re going to hear the voice of God, and he’s going to scare the life out of you.
(She pulls out her Iphone, dials, and puts the phone to the ear of the guard. A voice says something in a language he does not understand, the tone however is unmistakable. He releases Nola and, white from fear, drops to the ground and starts crying.
Nola puts the phone back to her ear
)
Nola: Vladdy? Thank you. Yes. Yes! I’ll be there in two shakes. Um, my shorts. Just suspenders. I’m not wearing underwear. Vladdy, I don’t really have time for this. Yes. (In perfect Russian) Да, моя влюбленность, я буду обслуживать вас когда я получу дом. Сегодня вечером. Я тебя люблю слишком
(Hangs up her phone and runs off)
Voice from the sky: Nola!
Nola: Rahm? Is that you? Where’s O?
RAHM: (laughing hysterically) Sorry Nola, couldn’t stop myself. I’ll put O on.
Obama: NOOOO-oh-oh-oh oh oh oh la la la!!!
Nola: Okay, you’re high. Anywho O, I get it. I’m back to Bethlehem. Two minutes. One minor detail before I go.
Obama: Nola. You can’t go to Golgotha. I know you, I understand you’re upset.
Nola: O, in my short time here I’ve been denied entrance into the gay circle, drowned, chased, and patronized. You know who I blame?
Obama: Jesus?
Nola: Jesus motherfucking Christ! That little weasel can get over on 80 percent of the population, but today he’s met his match. I’m not going anywhere until I see justice carried out.
Obama: So be it. I’ll have the secret service waiting for you in Golgotha.
(Nola closes her Bible for Dummies and throws it in the Serpents Pool. She skips off to Golgotha.)

CUT TO EVERGREEN CHAPEL:

Reverend Lowery:
And now we return to the gospel according to, uh, Nola Shumway.

Reverend Lowery: You see that’s the strength of Christ.
Looks down at bible and continues reading:

Reverend Lowery: (looks up from the bible.) Well, that is an interesting interpretation of John indeed.
CUT TO A BUNKER SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDWEST:
Nola:
So that’s it O. I swear, I thought I was done for, but my precious Vladdy came to my rescue.
Obama: Nola, I’m thankful you’re safe. Rahm has arranged for a press conference about the Evergreen Chapel incident. My administration is going to take a hit, but we’re going to leak the story along with mental health records of the good reverend. Everybody will think that once again I’ve set up church with a crazy reverend. Kanye’s tweets actually support our story, so we are very thankful for that. I do have one more question Nola-
Nola: Yes, I’m pretty sure he was gay.
Obama: No, (chuckling) I’m curious, is he really black?
Nola: Don’t be stupid O. He’s Jewish.
Obama: How can you be sure?
Nola: Let’s just say that when I said the guards could find him in the garden because he was the one kissing Judas, that was the G rated version of what was going on. Definitely not Black.
Obama: (chuckling) I was hoping, I’m not going to pretend I wasn’t.
Nola: I did figure one thing out while I was in the Rabbi hole.
Obama: What’s that?
Nola: Your tactic on selling climate change to the American public? It’s all wrong.
Obama: I’m listening.
Nola: The only thing in the world that can’t be debated is faith, right? I mean, people actually believe that this man Jesus broke fish into millions of pieces and served it to dirty poor people.
Obama: So to speak, yes.
Nola: Well, they have faith, so we can’t argue logically.
Obama: I’m a bit lost, I’ll admit.
Nola: We all are, O, a little less thanks to Google maps, but nonetheless. What I’m proposing is that we change the way we talk about climate change. We’ll refer to it as Intellectual Design. It will be referenced as the ‘Climate Change Faith.’ Mother Earth is our God, and she is a vengeful god, a just god. Her prophet, Al Gore has been running around the planet warning of the impending doom if we humans don’t change our ways. The devil, Rush Limbaugh, urges on the doubters, filling their heads with irrational thoughts about consumption, Jesus, and evil democrats.
Obama: (hugs Nola, tears in his eyes) my dear Mother Earth! Nola, I think you just started your very own religion.
Nola: (trying to escape squeeze) Ugh! Ick! I know, I know, you don’t have to be all sensitive. Can I go?
Obama: Where are you off to?
Nola: Russia, but of course. Check in with the Vlad. Did you see that FP greatest thinkers rating? Not bad. I’ll tell you, he’s going to have a lot on his mind when he sees what I brought home from Sodom. He is going to (Obama puts hand over Nola’s mouth)
Obama: Please Nola. Spare the details. Skip along, I’ll be in contact soon. Things are still festering in the financial sector. I may need you to go in, shake things up.
Nola: CEO? Oh, man I’m going to have the most amazing office. (turns, and over her shoulder) I’ll need a budget. Okay. That’s all, that’s all… BYE! (Skips off)