Somewhere in the Middle East.
Anderson Cooper: Tonight on AC360 we finally sit down with one of the most controversial figures in the President’s first administration. Tonight is particularly special because I’ve been trying to get an interview with this little girl for 4 years. Finally, tonight, she has agreed to sit down in an undisclosed location – we keep her location secret for fear of her safety – and discuss her plans for the future.
Nola and Anderson are sitting on chairs on the top of a bombed out building.
AC: Nola Shumway, at last we meet.
Nola: Anderson Cooper, at last you’re out. As-salamu alaykum
AC: (giggling uncontrollably)
Nola: I take issue with your lead in. Controversial Figure? I think you and I both agree that the majority of white males over the age of 42 think I have a pretty bangin bod.
AC: (very serious all of a sudden) That’s sad.
Nola: Truly. Perhaps if O had dumped Biden and ran with me on the ticket we could have improved on the ‘white males on the average have small dicks’ percentage.
AC: I think you mean ‘White Males on the average don’t vote for Obama’ –
Nola: That too yes.
ISRAELI ROCKET LANDS 10 FEET FROM THEM
AC: So we’re here to talk about you and the future. The last I saw of you was an appearance on the Charlie Rose show. You said some pretty damning things about the administration. Where is your relationship with the President these days?
Nola: It’s no secret I have issues with the President. He still refuses to allow Vladimir and I to stay in the Lincoln bedroom when he comes over and he’s completely opposed to talks with Ahmadijenead. I mean have you seen this guy? He’s hilarious. He’s batshit, but he is hilarious.
AC: You seem to have sympathy for the Middle East in a way that many Americans don’t tolerate.
Nola: Sympathy? It’s not sympathy. I have sympathy for Kanye West. Kanye on that Watch the Throne album sounds like he was from make a wish – and you know what his last wish was? To record an album with Jay Z. I mean he sounds straight retarded. Huuuhhhhhhh. Huuuhhhhh. I mean someone should really check him out. I’m worried about him. But sympathy for the Mid-E? Never. But what I want to talk about more than anything is my new video.
AC: Yes, you are launching a pop career.
Nola: Yes. Under the name SOS.
Nola: I’m going to try Anderson. My first video is set on the strip. Though I think after the Israelis are done we’ll have to start calling it the Stripe.
AC: (giggling) Why haven’t we always been best friends?
Nola: I told you. I don’t associate with closet gays in position of power. You should all come out. Unless you have bad taste like Bachman’s husband. Then I encourage you to stay in the closet until you figure out something appropriate to wear. Anyhow, we’re here in the Strip and I play Lady Gaza.
AC: Lady Gaza?
Nola: Lady GAH-za. And I’ve just interrupted a super secret meeting of the world leaders. I walk in and I have Hamas –
AC: I’m sorry Hummus? You’re eating hummus.
Nola: Anderson, just be pretty, sweetie and let the big kids handle the news, k. So there are Hamas and Israeli soldiers flanking me on either side. I’m wearing a BurqAlaïa.
AC: What is that?
Nola: Azzedine Alaia has come out of retirement to design a specially made burqa for me. As a pop star I feel it’s important to pay homage to the beliefs and customs of the people I have stolen from in the name of art.
AC: You’re working with some really interesting people for this video. Can you talk about how you found them?
Nola: I actually can’t because it’s classified information. I can tell you whom I’m humping to obtain my classified information. Do you want to know whom I’m humping to obtain my classified information?
AC: Who says humping?
Nola: I’m literally humping this guy in the EDIT named EDIT because he likes his leg humped. He did a lot of years over in East Asia so I think there are some PTSD issues. If you think any politician over the age of 19 can get off without some kind of weird sex than you my frenemy have never made the rounds in DC.
CNN TICKER: PARTS OF MZ SHUMWAYES INTERVIEW HAVE BEEN RED ACTED BECAUSE CLASSIFIED INFO WAZ DISCUSSED
Nola looks down as the ticker moves across the screen
Nola: Is it that all of your staff went to schools where you all get a trophy just for trying or are you guys truly an equal opportunity employer and the equal opportunity is explored through people who can’t spell. Or articulate. Or, apparently, read.
Nola: Okay, so I walk in with my backup, and I press play on a tape player. And you hear this:
AC: Wait, that doesn’t sound like you.
Nola: It’s Otto Tuned.
Nola: I’m SOS okay. I can’t have people knowing what I sound like. It’s a security thing. So Otto, my IT guy decided to give me a little mask of the voice.
Nola presses play again
AC: So are you dancing during this video?
Nola: Your knowledge of the MID-E is so sad to me Anderson. Do you know what kind of trouble I’d be in if I was dancing? Did you see Afghan Idol? That chick was in hiding for shuffling her feet. Of course I’m dancing! And so are the soldiers. But only during the Ramadan chorus. Towards the end the Israeli gets a little gay and the Palestinian shoots him in the head. The video is cutting edge. I’m using the same director who shot the fake Syrian rebel hostage video for Assad. Do you know how difficult it is to keep robes clean on a set in the sand? Top-notch crew working here.
AC: I think it sounds too much like Lady Gaga’s Bad Romance.
Nola: I’d like to see that little Pop tart come after me. (Directly into the camera) Hey Gag, I’m in Gaza and I’m armed. I stole your song. Come and find me.
AC: So a pop career? For once I love that you’re acting your age.
Nola: A pop career? Who said anything about a pop career? I’m not an idiot Anderson.
AC: But you’ll be known as SOS? Help.
Nola: Oh god I hate you. Secretary of State. Hill’s out in January and I’m shooting my little video to show O that I’m the lil girl for the job. It’s down to me and Kerry and Kerry’s still on a sandy beach somewhere looking for his flip-flops.
AC: You can’t be serious.
Nola jumps up from her chair, slides under Anderson’s and pops up behind him, knife at his throat.
Nola: I’m always serious.
Anderson starts crying and pees his pants.
Nola looks into the camera.
Nola: From Gaza Strip or Stripe this has been the night of your life. I have been wonderful. ‘Merica, get ready because there’s a new breed of Foreigner Policy coming your way and most of you aren’t going to like it. I’m future Secretary of State Muhammad Nola Shumway. You’re Welcome. ma`a as-salāma! Don’t forget to check out my full song at (she holds up a sign with the link – of course she can’t trust CNN to get ot right) LADYGAZAFULLSONG!!!!
She waves us out.
For the full set of lyrics visit: Lady Gaza Lyrics