Let us rejoin the courthouse:
Nola: (waking up from her deep slumber, confused) What…Huh… Are you my mother?
Whale: MUUUU. MUUUUUUU. MUUUUUUU.
Nola: What? I don’t speak whale. (to the judge) Does the court reporter speak whale?
Court Reporter: Que?
Nola: Never mind.
She pulls out her Idon’tPhone and babelmammals the text:
Nola: Oh, we’re up. Sweet. Cnn guy! Yes, question, (pulls out two pictures and shows to the visit) Can you tell the difference between these two people?
Cnn guy: No.
Nola: Tea partiers, note the witness cannot tell these two apart. Defense exhibit A and B. One picture of Kathy Rundle looks just the same as one picture of Katherine Harris. (Nola walks to her table, and high fives Al Gore, who has been sitting quietly the whole time.)
Nola: I’m done with this witness. Get him out of my sight. I would like to call my first witness! (To Al) Cue the music.
Lady Gaga’s instrumental of Bad Romance begins to play it. Over it a Tiger’s roar. The lights dim, the court doors fly open and in walks Montecore
Music: Rawr Rawr, Rawr Rawr Rawr, Rawr Rawr, RawrRawrRawrrrrr, Rawr Rawr, RawrRawrRawrrrrrr
After twenty five laps inside the witness stand, Montecore settles in and sits down
Nola: Hello Kittay! (They air kiss on both cheeks) Muah. Muah. Lovely to see you.
Montecore: Hey girl.
Nola: So, you were raised in captivity?
Montecore: Ohmagawd girl, you already know that. You’ve been to my house like a million times.
Nola: Monte, we’re in court. (whispers) you gotta pretend we aren’t beasties.
Montecore: Oh, gotcha. (loudly) No, we never met before. (winks)
Nola: Again, you were raised in captivity?
Nola: By Siegfried and Roy?
Montecore: Yeah, sugar, they were my daddays.
Nola: What happened on Oct 2003?
Montecore: Sugarnipslooook,Im gonna be straight wich chew. There was this tacky ass bitch in like the fifth row, andshewasalllikewhisperingovertoherfriendlike ‘ya’ll see that half black Tiger?’ AndIwaslikeoohmygawd,didshejustsaythatlikeRoyI’mgonnabitethatbeetch.AndhewasalllikenoMoMo Vie hav to do sie show. And so then I don’t know, like you like when you get a feelin’ you know and you just can’t control yourself, I just ripped into Roy’s neck. And plus I was pissed at Roy.
Judge: I’m sorry, can the court reporter read that back slowly? I think we missed some of that.
Court Reporter: Shugar neeps luke. Im go-nah be straight wich chew. Dare was dees tacky
Judge: Stop! Do we have a translator for the court reporter? Nevermind. (to Montecore) please speak slowly.
Montecore: Okay because sometimes when I get dee nerves I speak fast.
Judge: Well breathe. Proceed Nola.
Nola: So why did you try to rip Roy’s face off?
Montecore: Because he was prrr prrr hitting prrr prrr me a lot and stuff like that.
Nola: Can you describe his penis?
Prosecutor: Objection! Leading!
Nola: I’m trying to establish a pattern of sexual abuse endured by the witness at the hands of his captor.
Judge: he never said anything about sexual abuse.
Nola: No, he didn’t, (motioning to the jury) but they heard it. False seeds produce true fruits. Right?
Nola high fives Montecore
Nola: (licking the blood from her hand) I’m fine, I’m fine. Geesh. (winks) Defense is finished with this gorgeous witness. (pause) Ladies and gentleman of the jury, let the record show that this animal snapped after suffering years of abuse. Abuse, that the For Now United States of America condoned by allowing this sexual act to go on.
Nola: What? I’ve seen their act your honor, it’s very homo erotic. Middle America loves it.
Prosecutor: Yes, your honor. On that note, Montecore, do you think the fact that you were raised by gay parents had a lot to do with your behavior?
Montecore: No, biotch, I think the fact that IM A FUCKING TIGER HAD A LOT TO DO WITH MY BEHAVIOR! If someone don’t geet these beetch outta my face.
Prosecutor: You may step down.
Music: RAwr Rawr Rawr Rawr Rawr…….
Nola: Your honor, for my next witness I’d like to call Steven H Chimp, brother to deceased chimp Travis.
Steven H Chimp enters the courthouse, swears on all 20 forms of religious articles and then takes a seat
Nola: Hi Steven. Can you tell us a bit about your brother Travis.
Steven: Um, well, until that bitch Sandra started medicating him he was a nice enough guy. He was always a little strange, you know, growing up the way he did. But then when he started that anxiety medication, it was like a bomb went off inside of him. So, one day, he just went crazy and ripped that lady’s face off.
Nola: (holds up a picture of a lady) Steven, can you tell me what this looks like to you?
Steven: It looks like a woman who has had her face ripped off by a monkey.
Nola: It does. And, can you tell me who this woman is?
Steven: It’s the prosecutor.
Nola: It is…She is ugly, isn’t she?
Steven: Yeah, she’s pretty ugly. (he poos and then flings it at her)
Nola: Hahahahaha. Hahahaha. Hahahahahaha. Hahahahaha.
The courtroom erupts with laughter
Judge: Order! Order in the court!
Nola jumps up on the judge’s bench
Nola: Cheeseburger and fries please.
Judge: If I get a side of onion rings will you split them with me?
Prosecutor: Objection! Why do we always eat where she wants to eat?
Nola: Because I’m cute.
Nola: Okay. Back to my case. Jury, I think what this witness is trying to convey is that his brother suffered abuse at the hands of his capture. His only recourse was to rip the face off the prosecutor.
Prosecutor: Objection! Defense threatens!
Judge: Sustained. Counsel, watch yourself.
Nola: Fine. Sufferin Succotash you people are so serious. Defense calls Sea World penguins to the stand.
45 minutes after a line of penguins marches into the courtroom, Nola begins her examination
Nola: You suffer from claustrophobia, true?
Nola: Your honor, I’d like to play a video now for the court. Penguin number 1, what do you see on this video?
Penguin: (Opens his beak)
Nola: (interrupting) yes, that’s me! Genius wasn’t it? Best way to outsource your own protest is to show up to an immigration protest. Those darn illegals, they had no idea what those signs I gave them even said.
Let us cut to KCal newscast about protest at City Hall:
‘Hi, I’m Rick Garcia. (Chuckles) Seems some people got mixed up about what they were protesting down at city hall today. Ha-ha. Let’s cut to the video.
Let us cut back to the courtroom:
Nola: (to the jury) Do you see the pattern that is developing? Innocent wild animals forced to live in captivity and treated awfully. Penguins, you may step down.
In the meantime Nola has had the entrance to the stand sprayed down with snow, so that as the penguins leave the stand they flop on their bellies and slide out.
2 minutes later:
Nola: Your honor, defense calls its final witness, Steve Irwin’s crocodile. Now obviously, in interest of keeping the court safe, we’ve had to tie his mouth shut, so he’d like me to read a statement:
Dearest esteemed court, and members of the tea party jury,
My name is Crocodile. I was one of the crocodiles used during the filming of the ‘Crocodile Hunter’ Let it be known that during filming I was never compensated, I had to go without meals, and I was continuously harassed by Mr. Irwin and his offspring. I don’t wish to go into details, but those were the most painful years of my life.
(Nola puts away the paper and addresses the Judge)
Nola: Your honor, the defense takes a nap. Croc, you may step down.
Judge: Okay, well let’s recess and start with closing statements in the morning.
Prosecutor: (leaps out of her chair) Hold it! Prosecution calls rebuttal witness to the stand.
Nola: Huh? The croc had me read a statement. You wouldn’t even let him open his jaw. Who could possibly have anything to say about his testimony?
Prosecutor: Prosecution calls Stingray to the stand.
Judge: Order! Give me my order!
Nola: Your honor, I need a moment to interfere on behalf of my client.
To be continued….