Jules Winnfield speaks out against Prop 8: “What you gotta do is ask yourself ‘Is there some bad shit out there we ain’t lookin at? Is this bad shit badder than the shit I’m bout to vote against? And if it is badder shit, then shouldn’t we be out there worryin’ ‘bout that shit? I mean you got motherfuckerin kids settin some homeless motherfucka on fire for kicks. Motherfucker don’t even have a dollar for ice cream and these little badasses set him on fire. And you wanna tell me God is worried about two motherfuckers kissin’ up in his church? Love ain’t ever bad shit, man. The baddest shit is that love ain’t tolerated. We tolerate some fucked up motherfuckers. I mean my auntie Janisa once got into a fight with a church lady. razored her face. And now she’s up in that church every Sunday prayin’ for crazy bitches such as herself. I love my Auntie Janisa. I don’t think anyone should ever razor a face but I love my auntie. And if motherfuckers are worried about too much fuckin up the ass, it’s cuz they did it and liked it, more than a bitch.”
Wedding planners speak out against Prop 8: “I for one am very tired of planning straight weddings. Bor-ring! I’m tired of lying to the bride about her hideous color scheme.”
“ I’m tired of dealing with pregnant brides who can’t keep their emotions in check.”
“ I’m tired of having to dress up a venue that doubles as the ‘church’ and reception hall. “I’m tired of brides who buy from outlet malls.”
“I’m tired of BRIDES! Give me grooms. Grooms who have taste. Grooms who have well behaved children as their flower girls- not their own daughters born out of wedlock- which explains the quickly thrown together wedding!”
Henry Hasten of Statistically Speaking Magazine speaks out against Prop 8: “Statistically speaking, the sanctity of marriage is in danger of slipping into dangerously low approval ratings. With one out of every two marriages ending in divorce, people are starting to question the validity of marriage. The best way to improve the stats of marriage is to allow an influx of marriage. What we need is a marriage surge! So unless there is a surge in unplanned pregnancies, the only other option is to allow gays to marry, ugh, statistically speaking.”
Ted Haggard (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ted_Haggard)speaks out against Prop 8: “I now believe that God would want us all to be happy and be able to have conjugal visits from the man of our dreams.”
Not so nice, Nola speaks out against Prop 8: “Some people argue that gay marriage is detrimental to society. I don’t agree, but, let’s just say I did (which I don’t) but if I did, I would have to say that there are a few (thousand) more pressing detriments to society. And all, save one (see if you can spot it) are accepted and legal in America; no questions asked- and by questions I mean put to a vote- …. I’ll list just a few: Michael Jackson (Yeah, I said it. Just like Katt Williams: Fuck Michael!) . Roman Polanski. Americans who finance everything. Kids having kids. Scientology. Religion. Fast food. Straight men who just want their mothers. Straight women who let men have their mothers. Girls that don’t say no. Fat girls who put down skinny girls. Skinny girls who put down fat girls (Girls, fat and thin, we must unite! We must fight the true enemy: Fat and skinny boys!) Reality shows. Rockstar. Oscar De La La La LA Hoya and his music career, The lack of any regulations on bands in L.A.- why is that just anyone can start a band? Myspace. Facebook. Mustaches, CNN, MSNBC, The View, Tyra, Dog Strollers, Malibu (Barbie, city, liquor) Words such as-Chillax, like, stoked, fubar, fupa, muffin top. PDidddy, Sean Combs, Puffy, People who don’t take off their Bluetooth devices, boys who think they are great in bed, boys who call girls ‘opinionated’, women lying about size not mattering (it does! It matters how small our waist is and how big your dick is!) Jaegermeister, Men calling women sluts on Halloween because they have finally dressed up the way men have been hoping they would dress up all year!, Dr. Phil, Oprah’s book club, The Jonas Brothers, small children, Food Network, Herpes, Hugo Chavez, Kim Jong and his creepy demeanor, a quarter of the governments in Africa, Half of the South, most of California, Songs like Grillz, The thong song, and any song that starts with Diddy proclaiming ‘this is the remix’ . Any food sold as an “ultimate bowl”, Chris Matthews, Katie Couric and Bob Costas’ new little boy Frankenstein looking hairpiece, people who honk their horns more than once a week.
The list could go on forever. It’s all bad. We are alllllll baaaaadddddd. We are probably all going to hell, in a hand basket, woven no doubt by Oscar De La LA La La hoya!
But gay marriage is our BIG problem? How can we single out gay marriage as the flaw in an already much too kinked chain? Like Jules said- “way badder shit out there than people lovin on each other”
I say gay marriage, just like Obama, might just be change we need. Everything else in America is f’ed. Maybe we should start with the reinstitution of marriage as an institution of love, faith and commitment. Heteros have had their crack-Let’s see what the gays do! I for one think it will be fabulous…. and if not, it should have been!Dedicated to all my gay friends, in and out of their closets, everywhere!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And just so that i’m completely clear- HoneyBunny speaks out against Prop 8: “NO ON 8 OR I KILL EVERY LAST MOTHERFUCKIN’ONE OF YOU!!! “
(CONTINUED FROM ABOVE BLOG (NO TO THE SAME OLD, SAME OLD, YES TO THE SAME SAME, SAME SAME):
EXIT POLLS, SOAPBOXES and FIREARMS! Don’t it smell like an election…….
Asked outside of his polling station in Bell Gardens Precinct 123672aa how the vote went, Jules had the following response: “Vote? Motherfuckas wouldn’t let me in the mothefuckin community center. What kind of motherfuckin community center got metal detectors. And why are those motherfuckers on during an election? What? Is a motherfucka gonna run up in his own polling station and shoot up some motherfuckas votin for the same shit? Little woman over there wouldn’t even let my ass through the door. No on eight, Motherfuckas.”
We caught up with one of our wedding planners making a mad dash to her car outside the Manhattan Beach polling station and she had this to say: “I wasn’t registered! Can you believe that? I’ve been so busy registering these stupid, idiotic brides at Target, I forgot all about registering myself. (looks at watch) Damn. And now I have to get all the way out to Encino in an hour to pick up some doves for a six o’clock wedding. I’m not going to make it! Bye, (shouts back as she runs off) Please vote No on 8–I hate doves!!!!!!!”
Henry Hasten, sitting on the curb outside his downtown polling station, had this to say: “What were the odds that they would have lost my mail in registration. I mean the odds were in my favor. I know they were. I suspect this has something to do with an interview I gave to one Nola Shumway a few days ago. No on eight. Statistically speaking, we still have a chance.”
Ted Haggard speaking from Sacramento State Prison: “I had no idea we weren’t able to vote. I’m hopeful though. I’m leading prayer tonight so I’m going to have to cut this short. No on 8! It’s never too late to come out in support of that which is your truest nature. And god loves everyman!
Wait a gosh darn sec! You mean to tell me, or more appropriately, I mean to tell you that not one of our Fiesty ferocious do gooders voted on Prop 8?
Wait! What about Nola? Where is she? Where’s Nola?
We now join Nola Shumway at her polling place somewhere in the vicinity of Pico and Robertson on the westside of Los Angeles…
We find Miss Shumway standing in the center of a local community center, on a hand painted crate that says SOAP screaming into a megaphone: “And let me tell you sum’tin else!!! Anyone who has ever benefited from civil rights legislation owes us a vote. Any lame ass comedian who has pulled out a gay joke for an easy laugh owes us a vote. And for that matter, for poisoning the world with your stupid comedy, you owe us a two vote minimum. Any man who’s ever said ‘That’s gay’ owes us a vote. You all owe us a vote and today we collect! Ain’t that right HoneyBunny? No on 8! Pay up you freeloaders!!.”
Nola is immediately escorted outside and we catch up with her just as they are about to put her in the squad car. “Okay, okay, maybe the soapbox was a little much, but come on! You’re telling me this shirt (Nola is wearing a grey shirt that reads “it’s okay to be an ass today”) is a problem? What, Is it against the law to try to persuade voters at the polls? (Nola is told it is) Fine, but in my defense it’s not like that lady isn’t doing the same thing. (camera pans over to a slightly overweight woman who is reading a tabloid, drinking a McDonald’s latte and humming a Rascal Flatts song.) She should be escorted out as well! She is just as obviously trying to persuade voters!” (Nola is tucked into the car and as they drive away she screams silently through the back window no on eight, no on eight, this is an injustice, I’ll say hello to Ted for you…….”
So kids, what’s the moral of this very convoluted story? The moral is that it is not enough to be passionate about a cause. You have to act. VOTE! Vote because Jules, Wedding planners, Henry, Ted and Nola didn’t.
But what about HoneyBunny? Where in God’s hell is that H.B. (heinous bitch)
Oh- your story teller forgot– HoneyBunny didn’t vote. She was busy filming a reshoot for her last scene in a previous blog:
On a sound stage somewhere in the Valley HoneyBunny enters polling station and with guns out screams at the frightened voters: “everybody vote no on eight or I execute every last motherfuckin one of ya………..